|Guest columnist: Elmo Machete
Hey, did you know that the World Wrestling Federation
has a brand new show on Saturday nights called Excess?
What with me being a loyal WWF zombie and all, I
decided to offer YOU, the fine folks at [slash]
wrestling, my recap.
I turn the channel to TNN at aboot 9:45 or so, just because there's *nothing* on, and... HEY! Robot Wars, Extreme Warriors! My only real thoughts? Well, I gave BattleBots a shot. This wasn't much better. Wasn't much worse, either. It still sucked, don't worry. Also, it sounds like Dean Malenko's frog has wandered its way into Mick Foley's throat.
One World Leader Attitude.
TV PG LV, and we start with the video package from Triple H's injury we've seen over and over again for the past few months. Your hosts are Jonathan Coachman, Trish Stratus, and Her Breasts. Excess is LIVE! from...? HHH puts his knee brace on. You can contact Coach, Trish, and whoever their guest may be LIVE! at 1-888-LIVE-WWF or at email@example.com
Trish and Coach discuss summerslam, as Coach puts over angle without putting under Austin. It takes a true shill to do that, I applaud him. Video stills of Stone Cold Steve Austin/Kurt Angle from SummerSlam. Nick Patrick is a BAD PERSON.
Recap of the Austin Apprieciation ceremony from RAW. I don't care what anybody else says, this whole thing was f'n hilarious. "It's very cold, here in your shadow... but you spread the sunlight on our face...". Methinks that Chavo, Raven, and Justin Effective should pursue singing careers. Joke nobody cashed in on when the Impact Players were together - their names are JUSTIN and LANCE. C'mon! N Sync? Actually, I think it's *NSYNC these days.. nevermind. I didn't notice it on Monday, but the crowd booed louder for the song than I've heard them boo in a LONG while. Stone Cold's got the mic, and... HEEERE'S ANGLE! This huge face pop for King Kurt is truly a thing of beauty. Okay, so JR oversold the milk truck a little. I don't think what he sprayed from the hose was milk, it seemed too thin and clear. also, it would piss off the fans who didn't expect to get covered in moo juice. And, it would start to go bad after a while. Aww, Kurt got the camera all wet...
Ooh, Kurt Angle's going to be LIVE on the PHONE! TRIPLE H! NEXT! EXCLAMATION POINTS!
RAW is LIVE at 9 PM this Monday, by the way. Where? TNN, of course!
Hey, Thursdays on SHOwtime it's a live action version of UPN's "Gary and Mike"!
We're back, and Trish talks aboot her ankle surgery. She'll be back soon, don't worry.
Same video package we've been seeing whenever anyone on WWF TV talks aboot Triple H. Injury footage, astounded doctor, x-rays, surgery, Stephanie makes her Kermit the Frog face, rehab stuff, the gang's all here.
MOTORHEAD!!! YEAH, BABY!!! Triple H... is... walking! Good for him. HHH is a little weird aboot huggin' Trish, and doesn't hesitate to shake hands with Johnny the Coach. H's therapy is... going. It's nice to be on TV again. He's at the rehab center 8-9 hours a day. Trish asks what he was thinking when the injury happened. After a second or so, he knew what muscle he tore. Therapy's coming along great, by the way. Shot of the nasty scar - may be 12 inches, we're not sure. Coach has the tendency to embelish. Craig in Florida is on the phone, and says Trish is the best date HHH could have on a Saturday night. If this question is aboot Trish's boobs, Craig dies. He asks - "Where does Triple H figure himself with Stephanie and the Aliance?" H avoids giving a real answer, you had to know he would. Commercial break.
Starburst. As long as it's still wrapped. Okay... what?
Jeepers Creepers. It's hard to believe that THIS is the best title they could think up.
We're back, and the SAME DAMN VIDEO we've seen for the past half hour. What goes through HHH's mind when he watches the footage of him being injured, asks Coach? Triple H mentions Sid's broken leg. Kewl. He says the Walls of Jericho was the most painful part of the injury.
We flash way back to March 26th, when Vince bought WCW. Vince didn't really have anything to do with the demise of WCW, when you think aboot it. It was the combined idiocy of Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff. WOW, Shane just bought WCW again!
HHH says (in character) that he didn't know anything aboot the WCW purchase. Shane's his brother in law, and Hunter was as shocked as anyone. Triple H says WCW is (was?) a miserable place to be, that they don't recognise talent. Can't argue with him there. The young guys are dangerous, he says, because they want their spot the most, and are willing to fight for it. Mike from Baltimore (the producers told him to change his question... if you're going to do that, why even let him on the air?) asks if Triple H has talked to Kevin Nash lately, and if any of WCW's old top stars will come in? HHH HAS talked to Nash, they're good friends. Talks to him all the time. Time will tell if any of the old WCW guys come in. Triple H wants to see them come into the WWF. He doesn't care who he fights, even if it is Nash. Good point, Coach says. Another good point? They're live. Okay...
Recap of the shocker that was the ECW reunion, WCW/ECW hooking up, and Stephanie getting hold of ECW.
Trish says stephanie has created "quite an environment" for HHH to come back to. Hunter says Vince should've seen it coming. He raided territories in the 80's, he raised his kids to be ruthless. E-mail from John Hayes asking how HHH feels aboot Steph and Test. He trusts them, that says they're responsible adults. Oh, and Test BETTER be treating Stephanie right. Stills of Steph walking in on the HHH/Trish hammerlock fiasco from months back. Trish thanks H for teaching her that hold. Triple H threatens Coach, saying that he can kick his ass even with one leg, and we go to commercial break.
WWF Live/TV taping schedule for the next few weeks. Do they have seperate commercials for the TV schedule and the house show schedule?
Brought to you by M&M's and Lugz/s. Video stills of Austin's turn to the Aliance at InVasion, and a video of his explanation the next night. I feel your pain, Steve... we all need hugs sometimes. The Little Bitch, Michael Cole, calls Austin paranoid, even when most of his acusations were right on the money.
HHH's thoughts on Austin's defection? Stone Cold sold his soul to McMahon for the belt, then the Aliance for praise. Trish mentions the WCW DX invasion, and we get pictures of Triple H, that X-Factor guy, some guy with braids, and Billy Gunn with... *GASP!* long hair on the tank thingy. This was a time when you never even mentioned the competition's name on TV or in print, and DX had the guts to drive down to Norfolk, Viginia in a tank. An e-mail from firstname.lastname@example.org asks Hunter aboot his career highlights. His biggest hightlight? Retiring Mick Foley. Big meanie... Coach asks HHH to explain how important the WWF title is to him. He responds, saying that everyone's goal is to be the WWF World champion, but very few will ever get there (but damn, Ludvig Borga sure came close...). To see what the belt means, look at how people are before and after winning it. It's ruined quite a few people's careers... Big Show, anyone? H wants the title again, duh. He says again that Stone Cold is a paranoid shell of a man. Coach mentions Austin's nasty remarks towards HHH after his injury, that he blamed H for the loss of the Tag belts. HHH calls Austin, in alot of words, a pussy. Coach must really want to see Triple H and Trish together, he brings their past tension up quite a bit. Commercial break.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back commercial. See the movie, it'll put hair on your teeth.
(The stupidest) Twix ad. It's that one with the flying candy bars, and the rasta guy... forget it. WWF Live at Madison Square Garden - for familys. How adorable...
Let the bodies hit the STOP THIS GODDAMN SONG ALREADY!!!
Hey, we're back in the saddle again. Coach asks how tough it must've been for the Rock to come back and put on that type of performance at SummerSlam against Booker T. Why don't you ask the Rock? Triple H wasn't there, dingus. Anyway, HHH compliments both Rock and Booker, that he's been watching Booker's career in WCW for a while. My 12 year old sister notes that Trish is looking at Hunter sorta funny. E-mail from email@example.com asks if Triple H has his sights set on Hollywood. HHH is loyal to wrestling, ROCK. He's anxious to get back in the ring, ROCK.
Recap of rock and Mini T from RAW. Rock, even with midgets, you're not fucking funny. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... well, the midget played his part well. TV 14 DLV at the 11 o'clock hour. I sure wish i could do those groovy dancing moves... not being a football fan, the Deon Sanders dance was lost on me.
Clips of Rock/Acolytes vs. Rhyno/Test/Booker from SmackDown. Take away the Rock, and this would've been a darn good match. Why can't the WWF EVER have a gutsy heel (besides Triple H)? Wimpy Booker just doesn't do it for me. Meanwhile, on Metal, it's Sho Funaki vs. Crash No Last Name Given. Damnit, I'm missing that for THIS?!? Something I noticed - this match featured all three black WCW champions in the same ring at the same time. If only Farrooq was ten years younger...
Trish gives us Peter from Southern California on the phone, who asks how HHH feels coming off an injury. Haven't we answered this several times in the past hour? Coach and Hunter discuss his impact on the Tough Enough cast. Three people quit because of Triple H's "advice". He's pretty bitter aboot the cast going to the Bahamas, sitting in a hot tub, and living in a huge house. They have it WAY too easy, and I agree. Marion from California asks when Triple H knew he wanted to be a wrestler. He knew it when he was a kid, watching wrestling on Saturday mornings in his underwear. Says him - don't let anyone tell you you can't be a wrestler... except for him telling the Tough Enough kids, of course.
Recap of Thursday's episode. Has here ever been a wrestler cameo where Nidia DIDN'T over react? Foley contributed NOTHING to the show. He really just gave a copy of H's speech, only he sounded alot friendlier. Bringing his book with him and forcing Al Snow to shill it is just plain wrong. Not-From-Harvard-Chris quit, but you know that by now. We go straight to commercial...
...for TNN's Robot Wars - Extreme Warriors! Scroll back up if you want my feelings on that. (Who would want YOUR opinion, Elmo?) SHUT UP.
Dream must die for doing a video with P. Diddy Poppa Daddy, them old guys with the acordians are cool, Lil' Bow Wow must die for having "Lil'" before his name, and Twix are yummy. That covers everything, right?
Adidas now has love handles! Wait, that can't be right...
Ghosts of Mars - your typical stuffy white chick meets badass black con movie.
Chris Leary informs us that Clearasil gives us Unforgiven. We're actually going to see a match! Yay! HHH picks (drumroll)... himself vs. the Rock from the first regular schedule SmackDown w/HBK as the referee. KEWLIO, Triple H gives us the shirtless water spitting entrace thing! Only 45 minutes late, too. His timing needs a little work if he's hoping to be back by Survivor Series. Hunter asks everyone to remove their shirts... (whispering to Trish) "let the boobies hit the floor". Haha, so original. We go to comercial, are we going to see the match? Waitaminute, I'm actually requesting a Rock match. What's wrong with me?!? It has HHH in it, though... EEK! Moral dilema!
Movie commercials suck. Movie commercials for sucky movies (Two Can Play That Game)? Guess.
Slim James Snap o' the Night - Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy from SummerSlam.
HHH is gone when we come back. Must've been MURDER for him to stand throughout that entire interview segment. Coach shows us Jeff Hardy's idiotic dive from SmackDown. Dumbass... RVD is LIVE! on the PHONE! Dear God, he STILL sucks on the mic. Oh, well... if I can put up with Trish for a two hour show, I can put up with Van Dam for a few minutes. He likes hardcore matches because it tests endurance. Sure are alot of clips of Van Dam vs. Jerry "I Carried RVD" Lynn from Hardcore Heaven in his entrance video... it's been great for Rob to be back on television defending the Hardcore title for ECWCW. He *might* face Raven this Monday, and we're back to commercials.
The WWF loves Twix , and George Carlin loves blowing truckers.
Over on metal, we get to see the Rock methodicaly dismantle another superior opponent, Lance Storm. Have I told you lately that I HATE the Rock? Oh yeah, just four paragraphs ago. Heh.
We're back live, and it's past my bedtime. Jeff Hardy has severely bruised ribs, but here he is on tape (with a stupid ass song in the background) riding his bike "on the wild side". Matt says Jeff's always loved motocross riding, it took Jeff a while to convince his dad to let him ride a motor bike. Fear is only a four letter word... but I can't spell. Jeff Hardy (and the cameraman who keeps aiming the camera directly at the sun when Jeff makes a jump) has to be bludgeoned several times with a large, blunt object. HOLY FUCK, will this Goddamn segment ever end? Jeff built a mini volcano in his backyard to jump over. What the fuck is the point of this?!? Them kooky Hardyz/s, they love pointing their fingers...
Trish thinks Jeff Hardy is on fire. I have some matches and gasoline, if you need it... here's that match.
>From the Vault: Triple H (c) w/(name removed for legal reasons) vs. The Rock for the WWF World title, 8/30/99. Guest referee: Shawn Michaels. Hey, whose music is that? Can't be HHH's, he uses Motorhead! I miss that chain mail sandwich board Triple H used to wear down to the ring... remember when Rock's music had such a slow beat? Seems like almost two years ago. Hey, the OvalTron's on the wrong side again! This must be in Nassau Coliseum. I'm not videotaping this, so my play by play may be a little Scott Keith-ish. Shit, I mean... I'm a huge Scott Keith fan, I visit TheSmarks more than I do [slash]. SHIT! I mean... aww, tartar sauce (quick! A nice, shiny Sponge Bob Square Pants doll goes to whoever guesses where thjat's from! Wait...). Okay, here goes... IlikebothCRZandNetcopsodropthesubjectalready. Can't please ANYONE these days... Rock attempts the Book End, countered. HHH's Pedigree? Countered. Aww, screw the recapping, the match is brutally clipped. Rock suplexes HHH on the stage, then it cuts to him pounding Triple H on the table. Chyna clubs Rock in the nuts, HBK sends her to the back, and HHH doesn't approve. Rock DDT's Hunter, but there's no referee. Shane w/"asshole" chant runs in (in a Mr. Socko shirt) to argue with Shawn. Clipped again to the Duane Read (Rock Bottom. See, Duane Read bought out the chain of stores named Rock Bottom, and... screw it.), Rock sets up for the People's Elbow... SWEET CHIN MUSIC! Yes! HBK rules! Pedigree finishes the Rock off, and the trio of Shne, HHH, and Shawn rejoice in the ring. If I'm not mistaken, this was the last time we saw Shawn on WWF TV.
Coming up next, Scoop Stratus (huh?) brings us Kurt Angle LIVE! on the PHONE! Commercials.
"What a feelin'... here's believin'... I can have it all, now I'm..." SHOVE. Ever seen that game "Dance Dance Revolution"? Well, the remix of this song in that game (combined with the psychadelic dancing cartoon characters on the screen and your best friend trying desperately to act hip, like he knows what the hell he's doing) is ten times more irritating.
Over on Metal, Stone Cold is still the singe beneath our thing... okay, YOU try to come up with a noun that rhymes with "wind". You can't, can you?!?
A bunch of strangers get together to save Miami. Why bother?
The RC Cola Rewind - Angle's milk truck attack. MILKAMANIA IS RUNNIN'... nevermind.
LIVE! on the PHONE! is Kurt Angle. Coach asks Kurt what he does on a Saturday night. He's in Des Moines, Iowa right now (Angle beat Rhyno in the main event, by the way). They show the beer truck attack from a couple years ago. Coachman asks if Kurt knew what was going on between Austin and McMahon with the hugs. He pretended not to know, that sly fox. Trish plugs Angle's book. It comes out next month. Go ahead and buy it, it can't suck as much as "The Rock Says...". Stephanie from New Jersey is on the phone, and after a couple second delay, she asks how different the Olympics is from the WWF. Do you really need to ask? 180 degree turn, Kurt says. Real competition on one side, fake shit (Sports Entertainment, he says) on the other. Both are brutal, but he's been injured more in the WWF in two years than he ever was in nearly 20 years of amateur wrestling. Funniest thing that's ever happened to kurt on the road? He doesn't say. C'mon, we... uhh, want to know. Or something.
Skittles and zebras. They go thogether like Twix and crappy music "artists".
Back live, Coach and Trish shill hers and Stacy Keibler's photo spreads in RAW magazine. The WWF cameras were behind the scenes at... that... very... photo shoot, where Stacy looks all slutty n' stuff. She talks aboot the Nitro Girl contest, her month/month and a half of Nitro dancing, and how that lead to Ms. Hancock. Hey! Did you know that Stacy knows everything aboot Gardner's Furniture? The photographers go on and on aboot her legs, and rightfully so.
Trish brings us to the break while Coach stares at Stacy's RAW pictures.
Kane just LOVES Chef Boyardee. How did he get so big if he can't eat anything?
What do they have more commercials for - Push Pops or Twix?
That green M&M sure looks sexy...
WWF Excess will be LIVE! every Saturday night, Coach is "stratusfied", RAW is LIVE! from Grand Rapids, Michigan on Monday, William Regal and Yoshihiro Tajiri will host Heat on Sunday, Tazz is their in studio guest for next week, and we're done.
How did it go? Not that bad for a first show. The pace slowed down a whole lot after Triple H left, but that's just because he rules. I'd suggest clipping the show to one hour, maybe 90 minutes. Two hours is just WAY too long for a glorified Live Wire. Another suggestion would be to stop clipping the matches, especially if you're only going to show one, but that could be just me.
This has been Elmo Machete... I'm NOT a Muppet! (like Owen Hart, "I'm NOT a nugget", get it? Bah.)