|Guest columnist: The Cubs Fan
Hi! I'm not cfgb. That's okay.
TV PG LV attitude.
They still don't have an Open for Excess and are still just putting in the clip of the week - this time, Shane saying someone would turn.
Your hosts are Trish and Coach. They're here for two hours and recap what we just saw. They'll reveal what happened, later on. Also, later on, Raven - there's him talking on a cell phone. If you have any questions for him, they say you can e-mail them in to firstname.lastname@example.org but that's a LIE. Let's go back to RAW and watch that again. They pause the clip machine and set up the main event but my fast forward doesn't stop. Good god was this an awful awful match. (10:26) Trish and Coach discuss. I prefer to dredge up old complaints and point out that some person actually gave that match a higher rating the about every match on the WOW PPV and wonder why some people are taken seriously at all.
Coming up - Randy Savage vs Ricky Steamboat, WM3. This is something they might want to advertise and hype ahead of time.
Starburst Dysfunctional Title Defense of Monday.
Trish and Coach discuss. If there's a positive out of this show, it's that Trish got microphone time and really used it to improve herself. Not that she doesn't have more to go, but she doesn't sound so scripted and forced anymore (at least when she's not doing her catchphrase.) Well, I guess Trish being on TV itself can be a positive but that's not what I'm going for. Let's watch the rematch on Smackdown. (4:58) Excess - WWF TV for people who don't watch WWF TV. Coach discuss the challenge, and let's see the graphic. They're on the same team but they're not getting along - will they be able to put aside? Here's the commercial for it. (:22) I believe CRZ would say "People who buy PPVs are SUCKERS" right here but I just have a feeling there might be more than three people in the ring before this one is done.
Mick Foley on Today show. This is good, because I almost wanted to see this but not actually wake up for it. Why do they have the temperature on morning shows? Why do I care what temperature it is in New York? I never understand this. Maybe all local channels put their own temperature elsewhere like mine does? Actually, I don't care. (:55) The book is still in the Bestsellers List. We transition to the Hardy story (Trish again not wanting any blame), and see some clips to illustrate. Everyone should back elbow Lita from now on. I finnaly got to see what the armband said so there's something good from all of this. Into the match and now I can just fast forward. (5:30) Coach is LAME.
Good timing for this month's Fanatic - the Hardy Boyz! This seems an awful lot like old Superstars features stringed together. The Jeff Hardy bike stuff that was on the first Excess (and a previous Superstars) seems to be a part of it.
Lugz Turn Of Monday.
Raven will join us later. Why Kurt Why? They love doing that. Kurt's explanation. (4:23)
Raven will just us later. Why Kurt Why? Oh, this time they're setting it up for the Kane/Angle match. Talking, and then medals. (7:45) Coach wonders if they CAN win. Rock and Jericho aren't getting along, Kane's injured, Vince is old. Later, Undertaker/Austin.
Tough Enough 2 Tryouts at Caesars Palace! This Wednesday and Thursday. Watch history or something.
TV 14 DLV and copyright notice means we're transitioning into the second hour. Hmm, TV 14 because we're getting blood from the Undertaker match. Coach won't be on Excess next week because he'll be in Las Vegas. (But but I thought this was Excess! On a Saturday! I wonder if it'll be Leary and Trish having to carry them both. Maybe they'll make Cole work. Or Kevin Kelly, that's it.) Coach is notably vague on the number of spots on TE2 - they may be changing it or he may just not know. We move on to Booker T's new commercial. Coach fails miserably on doing his Booker T.
Oh wait, this is a behind the scenes of the commercial. "People keep asking me, Booker T, what it was like to shoot the Chef Boyardee Big Beefaroonie commercial. Well, let me tell you." Dream wavy lines fade to the set. We see them doing the commercial footage. Booker explains the concept to us. I think the kitchen is the same in the flashback. The producer has a big fake afro. He explains that instead of building sets, as they did with the Dudleyz and Kane commercials, they thought it'd be quicker (and cheaper) just to use a real kitchen and it's worked out fine. The Book is a number one best seller. He did make it to Hollywood. They saved the best Chef Boyardee commercial for last. "Booker T's mom" talks about enjoying the experience. So does little Booker T. Booker says it's a pretty much easy day - he sits at a table, eats, and says some lines. Producer talks about the past commercials. Booker T thinks the name should be Big Beefaronie. (3:09)
Back in the studio, Coach wonders if that was really Booker T as a kid, if that was really his mom, if that really was his house as a kid, and what was with the big hair? Coach has many questions and I have many questions about him. RAVEN is next.
Raven is walking with a production assistant. "You know, in about two weeks, you all will be working for the Alliance. [huh?] So I was thinking, if you want to get on my good graces, I've got some laundry out in the car, if you can make sure you separate the whites and the colors - which way are we going? - get the door."
That's a graphic to hype Survivor Series! That's not Raven! I feel like I've been lied to! What door did Raven walk in if he's not on the stage? Oh, there's his music. Raven is wearing casual wear and before I can say "hey, where's Terri?", Raven notes Trish's tied shirt and wonders when she's due back in Hazard County - is the General Lee parked outside? Raven's a big fan of the (new) TNN. Raven doesn't think he'll be out of a job - look at the team. In fact, they should be sucking up to him, so they keep a job. Without it, they really have no shot. Coach brushes it off and sends it to an e-mail.
Steve from Gainsville, Florida asks: "Hey Raven, Considering that the WWF is going to whip the Alliance's Ass [TV 14!] at Survivor Series, have you thought about your next career move since you'll be unemployed?" I'm glad they showed us this e-mail because they already asked this question and I wouldn't there to be an actual purpose to the e-mail. They need to make that e-mail address more visible. Raven says there's always a chance (though not a good one) but he's a Survivor he doesn't give up he's a Survivor blah blah blah blah. It would be fun if Raven started singing Destiny's Child. Coach terms Raven "out there." Raven says he's on a higher level, "a higher level of diction" (though the grammar gives him problems) and has a higher IQ then both of them put together - 143. Trish credits the diction to a thesaurus, and Raven wonders if Trish can spell thesaurus.
Moving on, oh by the way, Raven wonders why we didn't see any clips of Christian winning the European Title ("last week, cincinnati, oh") this week (oddly enough, they have a clip ready to go if he was mentioned - staring after the three count.) Hey there's Lance Storm lying outside the ring. I wonder how he could have gotten there. Coach says they only have that footage of Christian celebrating (actually staggering out of the ring with the belt in hand and one arm raised.) Coach terms it's a big win for the Alliance but wonders how it actually helps the Alliance, leading into Survivor Series. Raven says it's all momentum. Raven says none of the matches right now really matter, but can give a psychological edge to the winning team. Coach can't follow what Raven's saying, which means that Raven might be right about the IQ thing. It's 1:20 am, I'm in disbelief about the lameness of the WWF and the gall of Raven and I can follow. Raven makes fun of Coach's inability to say momentum with getting stuck, then explains it again. Coach still doesn't get it. Trish seems like she does. Raven resorts to visual aids and calls a cameraman over and asks him how he feels about being out of a job in two weeks. He has no microphone so I don't know about this. Oh wait, Raven's got to introduce him to everyone. He has no microphone but Raven is savvy enough to overplay his comments to get it over - Martin the Cameraman is eh about the whole "out of work" thing, but likes the Alliance. They don't rehearse these things. Coach tells him to go back to his camera but Raven likes him and wants him to stay. Coach starts to send it to commercial and Martin wanders off, confused.
There were so many embarrassingly sad things in that last segment. SO MANY.
That was like the Side Show Mel episode where he marries one of the Aunts and Bart realizes that he's going to kill her and tries to explain it to Homer three times and he doesn't get it in a "ha ha Homer is so dumb ha ha" bit. Except I think Coach isn't supposed to be as dumb as Homer.
I'm glad I did watch this just so I can be amazed how crappy a title change can be.
They couldn't have cut out six minutes of clips to show the match here?
Play his music again! Why? I dunno. Martin is back at work. Martin dresses awful casual. Kane's ankle injury is still there. Coach says that, given the different problems within the WWF team, the Alliance seems to have the advantage. Raven complains that Coach wasn't listening to him - he's been saying that all show long. Trish tries to make the save but Raven is rolling through is material: "Do you have Alltimers? You know, the good thing about Alltimers is that you can hide your own Easter Eggs." Coach expression seems to say this is worse than the APA segment. Trish, the pillar, moves us on to the next e-mail.
Cliff from Lowell, MA asks: "Raven, do you think Shane and Stephanie picked the best people to be on the Alliance team at Survivor Series? Do you personally feel left out? And how about Test? Seems like he should be on the team since he's been the Alliance MVP lately. Do you trust this team to win and save your job?" You KNOW it's a fake letter because they sneak in the "Test is the Alliance MVP" gag in. (The first letter was from a college football town, hmm.)
Raven says he feels a little slightest, but he "implicitly" trusts this team to win. He is a little hurt and a little slighted, but he knows this team wasn't chosen with feelings in mind, but to make the strongest team, and he things this might be, "probably the strongest team we could muster, you know excluding myself of course. Test, eh." Way to put over your partners, Raven! Coach decides now is a good time to watch the Smackdown main event. (10:02) Yea, I have no idea what they could cut down to show that title change match. Raven says it's just like that. Raven says it more than appears that the WWF is in jeopardy. Raven says he's going to need a secretary after this is all over and Trish would probably look good barefoot and his office, so he'll leave his fax number and her people can call his people. Coach is SOL (and you know what that means - someone was hanging around the WCW people too much) and see them at Survivor Series. Raven walks off. From the Vault is coming up - here's the reminder.
Coach and Trish talk about Wrestlemania tickets, and talk about Wrestlemania III. We get footage from Wrestlemania All Day (I assume) of Gerald Brisco talking about the 93,000. Here's the 93,173 announcement. Remember when they wanted to top that this year?
Anyway, this week's match, also WMIII, is the one they get the most mail about each and every week. So why didn't they run it till now? Liars. Here's the e-mail, from Jean Pelissier (they actually show the last name?) "THANK YOU EXCESS. I had the chance to watch the last edition of excess and I must say it was a fantastic show! To mix Livewire and Superstars into a live show with guests is one of the best ides you ever had. The recap of the matches were great but the best part of excess is without a doubt "From the Vault." I have a few essential match suggestions for you." I'd be sure that was fake if they didn't say it was live. They show the e-mail - a whole long list of matches from the dude. They picked one.
Coach does the quick and dirty set up of this match - Randy busted Ricky's larynx and Ricky wanted revenge. Miss Liz was in Savage's corner, the George "the Animal" Steele in Steamboat's.
From the Vault: Ricky Steamboat vs Randy Savage for the IC Title, Wrestlemania III, 3/29/87. They run themselves into a no-win situation. If this is clipped, that's annoying and makes watching the match a pointless (it's not that hard to find a copy of it at a local video store), but if it's not clipped, why did they run the match and now make a bigger deal about it ahead of time? The match is already in progress, of course. There's the clips. (8:16 shown) We go to Animal taking Steamboat back to the ring cart before cutting out.
Here's My Sacrifice again. (1:20) I bet I can block out 1:20 on Heat for it again.
Chris Jericho has to worry about Survivor Series, and RAW. But he went to Indy recently for the debut of the Jericho funny car.
Clips of Jericho hanging around the NHRA event at the Indianapolis Raceway Park (that's not the Brickyard, for those not familiar - and when the heck did I learn that?) Jericho admits he knows nothing about racing but he's getting a car painted after him. "Wow that's cool." It's actually a Smackdown Car with his face on it. There's Jerry Toliver to talk. They've not on much when I see this on 2. Toliver's done this "explaining how fast the car is" bit before, you can tell, but he should've probably just skipped to the "0 to 100 MPH in under a second" part for Jericho's sake. Jericho admits that he had no idea what Toliver was showing him but it looked impressive and makes loud noises and goes fast. Jericho tells the class that the learned the car goes to 300 MPH in 5 seconds, but requests that it be upped to 350 MPH in 4. Oh let's watch it race. He gets interviewed by the TV people. It wins! Jericho's impressed by the speed and the NHRA guy notes that he flinched. "That was like getting body slammed twenty times in a row all in one second." Jericho compares it to a rock concert. Now Jericho's into it, quoting it's time and thinking it's something he'll remember for the rest of his wrestling life.
Hmm, this ad for RAW hypes the turn.
X-Box accidental dropkick of Last Thursday.
Only time enough to hype up RAW ONE MORE TIME. WCW Title on the mind. Next week's guest will be the New European Champion Christian (no belt in this picture) but Coach will not be here. YAY! Coach plugs the Tough Enough tryout. Survivor Series is only two weeks away. They stall for time a little bit and that's it.The Cubs Fan
Email the Author
Comment about this article on the EZBoard