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RAW is WAR On Site Report for 12/6/99

Hey gang, Michaelangelo here. Sorry, no Good, Bad, and Ugly this week. Why? Well, because I attended the live RAW show in Worcester, MA Monday night and I am exhausted

Before you start pointing fingers and calling me unflattering names, let me just point out that it wasn't just the RAW show that tuckered me out. The wrestling came on the heels of a Queensryche concert the night before in Providence. No, I am not a fan of the band, I went because my brother-in-law had nobody else to go with. What I won't do for my sister...

On top of that, Saturday night I attended a family Christmas party. some of my Italian cousins brought homemade wine. If you've ever had this stuff, you know that it's damn close to moonshine. Let's just say, I was quite happy most of the night...and quite miserable most of the next day.

So, tonight, I am going to relax, watch my tape of the Nitro show, and not do any more writing. Oh, yeah, the Expansion column will be out later this week...for those who are counting. I'll announce the King or Queen of Vague references over there.

Got it?

Anyway, as a special treat to both my loyal fans, I have decided to give you an eyewitness report of the show. What a guy, eh?


Before we get to the meat of this report, let me take a moment to pay tribute to the firefighters who lost their lives in Worcester this weekend. An abandoned warehouse was engulfed in flames and six men went in to the building looking for homeless folks who were known to sleep inside. Tragically, they got lost amongst the fire and smoke and never came out. A lot of people in the area are outraged that these men should have to die trying to save a group of homeless people. Now, I did not know those men, and my deepest sympathies go to their families, but they did what they felt was right and that's really the bottom line here.

Godspeed, heroes.

Okay, now to the matter at hand. RAW is WAR live, December 6 from the Worcester Centrum in picturesque Worcester, MA where they love Worcestershire sauce. Okay, I made that last part up.

We arrived about 7 p.m. and walked in the non-stop rain to the arena. There's something quite nice about being in the rain, looking up and letting the drops hit you in the face until you feel at one with nature. That's great when you are feeling bohemian alone on a Saturday afternoon, or skipping through the park with someone you love. However, when you are in a dirty city surrounded by 14 year old boys shouting, "IF YOU SMELL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!" it's not so romantic.

We eventually worked our way into the building. Before we went to get our seats, my friend grabbed a $4 beer and I got a $2 pretzel. The beer was in a small plastic cup, 3/4 full, and watered down as all hell. That's how they getcha. 

We watched as security checked each of the signs as they came it. We noticed that one guy was relieved of a sign that mentioned his "penis," but allowed to keep on that referred to his "balls." What I wanted to know is, what's with the discrimination against the penis? What do the balls get special treatment. I should write my local congressman about that. Hang on, my local congressman is Ted Kennedy. Never mind.

We found our seats and were pissed to discover that they were kind of high up, almost, but not quite behind the Titantron. So, no movies for us. I hate that.

Before they started the dark matches and the matches, The Fink came out and asked us to observe a moment of silence for the six firefighters that dies over the weekend. The WWF also announced that they had made a donation to the Worcester Firefighters Fund in honor of the men. The crowd applauded with approval. Hey Vince, good show, old man. Fink also announced that firefighters would be collecting additional donations in the arena throughout the show.

Suddenly, as if my magic, Bob Backlund appeared in our section! Only about 10 people in our section had any clue who he was. He had the same goofy red suspenders and red bow tie that he wore at the RAW show in Providence back in October. No other glib comments left on this one, Bob's plenty good at looking foolish without my help.

They announced the first match, Superman Steve Ripley vs. Kevin Somebody. Kevin didn't get any music but Steve did, ensuring a victory for the Superman. About 30 seconds into the match, half the crowd started chanting "boring. The other half headed out into the lobby to purchase various overpriced foam novelty items. Ripley somehow got the win. I was busy picking my fingernails with my pen cap at the time.

The second match started immediately after Howard Finkle tried to shill some of the Rock's merchandise. Like he needs the help, Fink. You should be trying to help move those Big Show tees before they end up in a landfill next to about 3 million unsold Virus action figures.

Out comes Bob Bower(?) to take on Papi Chulo. Bob gets my vote for the single shiniest man in all of professional wrestling. His pants were made of the same silvery shiny material that Dr. Evil always makes Austin Powers wear when he captures him. Bob's upper body was so oiled up, at one point in the match, a laser deflected off his left pectoral and blinded a little boy in the third row. Poor kid. 

The match itself was actually well-fought. Lots of high spots, moonsaults, planchas and the like. Of course, Papi gets the win here.

After the ring is cleared, Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses (GnR, man!) comes shooting out of the speakers. Finkle introduces the Jakked and metal hosts, Kevin Kelley, Tom Prichard, Michael Hayes, and Michael Cole. Hayes gets a pretty good pop.

The next match is Gangrel vs. The Bulldog for the European title. I got a good view of how they prep the ring of fire for Gangrel's entrance. They put a bunch of rags around the elevator and then drape a rope which I believe is soaked in lighter fluid over the rags. When Gangrel's music hits, they light the rope. Once he has gotten out of camera range, they douse the fire with an extinguisher. That's when I smelled the lighter fluid. Anyway, Much to my dismay, Bulldog got the win with a weak powerslam off the ropes. 

Cole and Hayes left, giving Prichard and Kelley the table.

The next match was Taka and Funaki versus Marc Henry in a handicapped match. What the hell kind of booking is this? Henry was too slow to really make the little guys look good. Thank god logic prevailed as Sexual Chocolate took the loss when both men jumped on top of him at the same time.

The Fink started losing his voice and could barely convince us to go buy The Rock's official elbow pad.

The next match was actually quite good. It was D-Von Dudley (with Buh Buh Ray) versus Christian, who is apparently after revenge for his brother's injury at the Smackdown show last week. Christian hits the Downward Spiral for the pin, but ends up eating three Dudley Death Drivers for his trouble. The Acolytes were conspicuous by their absence. It thought sure they'd make the save, but alas they did not.

As if to bring my mood down, I am now forced to watch The Headbangers versus Knuckles Nelson and Duke Somebodyorother. The only thing about this match that interested me was the fact that Knuckles was at the Raw show in Providence in October. The crowd actually started a weak "Knuckles" chant at one point. I wonder if he's a local guy. Headbangers steal a victory with the stage dive.

The last match before RAW went on the air was The Something KIDD versus Dave. Guess how much I cared about this fucking match. That's right! Zippo! The KIDD is about 5'3" and 198 pounds. yet he managed to win the match with some kind of sunset rollup.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler come out to monster pops. I notice a sign in the front of the arena that has "It doesn't matter if you can't see." written on the back. Now that I liked.

After Lawler and Ross get settled, The King takes the stick and announces Lillian Garcia. I think he worked in a reference to "puppies and kitties" in there too. Lillian came out with a minidress that seems a little shorter than normal this week. Not that I am complaining or anything. Just saying, is all. [Insert Cyanindigo reference here]

Well, you all know what happened at the show, and if you didn't go ahead and read CRZ's recap. I'd just like to make some general comments about my perception.

The New Age Outlaws got huge face heat when they came out. Road Dogg has to stop doing the "Ladies and Gentlemen" routine if he wants to be a decent heel. What I'd like to see is James change the words drastically to something more insulting towards the fans. Fat chance of that happening., though.

Al Snow was dynamite on the stick in his interview with Mankind. I loved it. The only question I have is, does the revelation that Al tossed the Rock's copy of Mankind's book seem like an afterthought to you too? Now that Val is a face again, there's nobody else to blame. Well, at tleast they gave us the answer, and it fits in fine with the current storyline. No real complaints here.

Halfway through the show, a girl in Section 121 started teasing a puppy flash. In seconds, the entire arena was watching her and started the "We want puppies." chant. She teased a few times but never delivered. I think that security escorted her out anyway. 

Shortly after, a girl in Section 119 did flash her puppies and was promptly removed. Guess what the crowd chanted then?

My theory on the red spotlights that hit Blackman and Jacqueline is that The Undertaker is rounding up more lower midcarders to form a new stable  on his return, which I think might be as soon as Armageddon on Sunday. Personally, I like the idea of a Goth Jackie. Blackman...well...

After the cameras shut off, Al and Jericho were outside the ring. Mankind grabbed the mic and dared them to get inside and fight some more. Of course, the heels were happy to oblige. Jericho at a Rock Bottom and People's Elbow. Al also got a Rock Bottom, however, when Rocky was motioning to drop the elbow on him, mankind intervened and asked if he could be the one to do it. Rock resisted, but then gave in and Mankind dropped a People's Elbow to a huge crowd response.

Jericho and Snow bailed, leaving Mick and Rocky alone. Mick pointed out the Patriots and commented on how they "Kicked the Cowboys asses" Sunday night. I don't remember it that way, but whatever. Mankind gave his Santa Mr. Socko to the Patriot who sacked Troy Aikman and handed the stick to Rocky.

Remember that this is the first time all night that Rock said anything that we could hear. The crowd went ballistic as he went through his "Fianlly, the Rock has come back to Worcester." routine he spoke of laying the smack down on Snow and Jericho's  roody poo, candy rectums.

Someone tried to heckle the Rock (bad idea) with a "It doesn't matter what you say." Rocky responded with "Oh, it matters what the Rock says." He then berated the guy, pointing out that though the fan wore a Rock shirt, he had the nerve to interrupt the Great One without even introducing himself. Yep. Setup for:

"It doesn't matter what your name is!"

Crowd pops. I'm getting tired.

Rocky talks of poontang pie and had a good line about how, since you can't shine it up before sticking it in someone's ass, the alternative is to microwave it for 13.5 seconds instead. Although I hardly see why shining it or microwaving it is really necessary, considering where it's going to end up. But that's just me, I'm just talking.

Rocky and Mankind invited the Patriots into the ring for a rousing rendition of Smackdown Hotel. The football players and all their children stormed the ring, started bouncing around, and getting generally rowdy for a minute or two. The Rock stalled for a moment, playing the comedic pause to death. At one point he looked into the crowd and said, "It doesn't matter what time you have to get up! The Rock will take his time!"

They sang a really bad version of Smackdown Hotel, the Rock told us to smell his cooking and we all went home.

The concession stands outside were sold out of Rock merchandise. Lots of Stone Cold stuff left, though. Who's the man?

As we left, herding out of the building like sheep, laughing and talking about the show, I found a moment to drop a couple of dollars into a large rubber boot being held by a very somber Worcester volunteer firefighter.

Funny, but that's the thought I left with.

I say again, Godspeed heroes.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission