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Here in New England, last week saw a beautiful 60 degree day followed by an all day snow-fest. What the fuck?

Kind of a good metaphor for Raw versus Nitro isn't it? Wonder if it will be the same this week? Well, we shall soon find out.

Yep, it's me again. Michaelangelo by name, columnist by hobby. I am here to spend another few hours of my life entertaining the masses with my off-color wrestling commentary. Ready for another batch? All in due time, my minions.

First I'd like to talk about the WWF. What's that you say? For the first time in weeks I am actually talking about something other than how bad off the WCW is? Yeah, well, I promise you, there's more dead horse to beat there, but not this week.

I'd like to talk a bit about something that happened on Smackdown. Seems that little Terri Runnells managed to cost Edge and Christian their title shot at the Dudleys by interfering in the match, then she taunted them with her annoying little "devil horns" dance. Thanks to the Hardies, Terri wound up in the ring facing off against Edge and just when it seemed that she was in the clear, she taunted one more time and Edge caught it on the OvalTron. A spear later, and little Terri was down for the count.

It was frighteningly satisfying.

Now before I get letters accusing me of misogyny, let me explain. Forgive me while I go into full-on mark-mode.

Terri's recent actions have caused Edge and Christian to lose their last few matches and when her blatant interference ruined their hard fought title shot, that was the icing on the cake. Of course, Terri is a hot woman who wears very revealing clothes and prances seductively around the ring. By default, this gets her a huge pop from the crowd, in spite of the awful tings that she has a tendency to do. Not only did she cause a series of losses, she taunted the boys endlessly.

Frankly, these things infuriated me for a variety of reasons. First of all, I have been waiting for Edge and Christian to get the tag straps for a long time and to see that little...well...never mind. To see her screw their match up and get away with it just made my blood boil.

Hell, I wanted to spear the bitch myself.

On top of this, Terri reminds me of all those women that used to taunt and tease me in my years growing up. My outward appearance wasn't particularly special when I was in junior High and High School (Let's say I blossomed in college and leave it at that). I worked from the time I was 16 years old, and I was less than suave around members of the opposite sex. Those few times I did get the guts to take a crack at asking a girl out, I usually got shot down before I even had time to make the initial approach. Some of them did more than just say no. Some saw fit to make it a point to ensure that everyone in earshot knew that a rejection was taking place. 


Terri reminded me of every woman who got away with making a man whose intentions were nothing but honest and noble look bad, every woman who got away with treating people like shit because she looks hot. Well I, for one, applauded Edge for taking her down and making her pay for her transgressions against those of the hairier gender.

However, a large man taking out a much smaller woman with a football tackle is just ...well...wrong. The WWF seems to be getting in a rut with the "woman beating" angles. We had Jarrett slapping figure fours on women left and right, the Dudleys power bombing women through tables, and now they hit a different nerve by having an established female fan favorite nail a woman with his finishing move.

Whatever. I am tired of writing about it.

Couple of quickies before we move on:

I loved Beyond the Mat, I don't care what the critics said. It gave me a greater respect for men like Terry Funk and Mick Foley and broke my heart when I saw what one of my all time favorites, Jake Roberts, has been reduced to. If you have not seen this film, get your ass to the theatre now.

On the opposite side of the tracks, I did not care for The Rock's visit to Saturday Night Live. I thought it was definitively unfunny, went for too many cheap laughs (Rocky in a dress, Rocky as Mr. Peepers' father), and did not live up to its potential. Where was the in-ring skit? 

I did think that The Big Show was funny as hell, though.

Anyway. Time to crown a King of Vague References for the week. It is Andrew Fitta who wears the crown this time around.

From: Andrew Fitta
Subject: Long way to the top 

Here goes for trying to get it in fastest:

"Careful lads there's dirty work afoot"- Monty Phyton and the Holy Grail

"Won't somebody please think of the children" - The Simpsons (Ms. Lovejoy I think)

"Chicks with dicks that put mine to shame" - Clerks (Jay)

"If the shit fits, wear it" - Blues Brothers

"For those who believe, no explanation is needed.
For those who don't believe, no explanation will do."
-Jeff Jarrett

He got all four. Congrats, Andrew. You think you can handle being the King? Look for the Vague References throughout the report, identify as many as you can, and e-mail your guesses to me at First one to get them right gets to sit on the throne. Good luck!

Just one last thing. Response to my though about converting the GBU to a audio format was overwhelmingly "NO." Now, I have chosen to take this to mean you all love reading the column and don't want to see it go away rather than thinking that you just can't stand to hear the sound of my voice.

I have been toying with the idea of supplementing the column with a once-a-week audio commentary. How would you folks feel about that? Does anyone know how to set up a server to send a live Real Audio Broadcast? Please e-mail me with any comments or info.

And now, we move onto the meat of the meat. 

The Good, Bad, and Ugly for March 20, 2000


GOOD: Candido in WCW. He's a drug-addicted overachiver, but he has talent and that's all they need right now. Beggars can't be choosers.

GOOD: Vampiro finally gets a win, albeit against Fit Finley, and manages to align himself with Sting. Anytime good things happen for Vamp, I am reasonably satisifed..

GOOD: The return of Big Poppa Pump. About time.

BAD: The rest of Uncensored. 

PREDICTION: I am guessing a heel turn for Sid. I say he's pissed that he is angry with Hogan for taking his main event billing at the PPV.

NOT BAD AT ALL: Sid's promo. He hardly flubbed his words and most of it made sense. That's a big step for big Sid. 

BAD: Why is Jarrett still the US Champion? He does not need that title. He's in the World Title race, for God's sake.

GOOD: Pump is wrestling tonight! Yeah!

NICE TOUCH: Pump wearing a piece of tape that says "Censored" across his mouth. I wonder who's idea that was. I liked it.

GOOD: The NWO girls looking hot.

I KNEW IT: Of course Hogan is Sid's partner. That's the setup, the turn will happen at the main event. Yep.

FUNNY: Sid falling to his knees to beg Hogan to be his partner. Now I am SURE that he will turn on him tonight. 

GOOD: Sting and Flair again. I can never get tired of seeing them in the ring together.

BAD: They will probably give them about 4 minutes.

GOOD: Vampiro versus Luger again. This time, I expect he will actually win. If he doesn't, well then I will just vomit any remaining compassion I have for this company right into the toilet.

BAD: I have the lid up already.

OH FUCKING HELL: Rikki Ratass and he is wearing a straw hat. I want to ram my foot down his throat and stomp on his pancreas. Oh, his time will come. "Patience Lewis, we're only human." (Vague Reference)

GOOD:  Chavo Guerrero. Too bad he didn't leave with his uncle.

GOOD: Chavo lifting Gene's wallet. I laughed in spite of the obviously politically incorrect connotations.

GOOD: Paisley looking hot in her little bra top. "Hey, how you doin'?" (Vague Reference)

BAD: She's out there with that loser, The Artist.

UGLY: What the fuck did he do, try to draw a beard on his own face with a magic marker? I did that when I was 5 years old.

GOOD: Chris Candido is in the first match of the night against Lash Leroux. Just fine by me.

I WONDER...where's Sunny?

GOOD: Candido's quick promo. He said everything I was thinking...except the part about trashy valets. I don't mind trashy valets at all. In fact, I encourage them. The trashier, the better.

BAD: Paisley's commentary. I'd almost rather hear Miss Hancock.

GOOD: Decent match up. Some nice spots and the new guy went over, so I can't really complain.

BAD: Lane, Rave, and Miss Hancock backstage. That acting was akin to something I saw on late night Cinemax. At least Cinemax had lots of nudity to make up for it.

OH NO: The "new improved" Los Fabulosos on Thunder. God help us all.

BAD: Making an angle about Hogan's ego being bigger than his biceps. It just reminds us how true it really is.

GOOD: Finley versus La Parka. If they give these guys a few good minutes, this may be a worthwhile match.

BAD: There's no real back story here. I hate when matches are booked for no reason.

BAD: I hate the fact that they are still voicing over La Parka's mic work.

WORSE: Tony on La Parka's spot: "Is he really saying that?" I bet JR wouldn't have been taken in by that one.

BAD: Having the voice over say things that La Parka does not approve of. How much you wanna bet they keep this shit up for weeks?

GOOD: Nice rollover slam by Finely.

BAD: They gave them about two minutes, naturally.

GOOD: WCW swerving the marks by keeping Booker and Kidman together. Most Internet fans speculated that Booker would turn on Kidman and walk away with Torrie. Neither happened, so now we actually get to wonder what's gonna happen next.

BAD: Booker and Kidman should be singles wrestlers, not a tag team. Kidman should be going for the US Title and Booker should be in the World Title picture. Let's get on the ball here, folks!

BAD: Why does Vampiro have to cut all his promos in a boiler room? Why not an attic or a sewer?

BAD: When Vamp takes off his cast, Tony comments that the arm may not be fully healed. Why didn't he say anything about Hogan's lack of a cast two weeks ago?

GOOD: David Flair's promo. A bit like a young Ric Flair. Not bad, kid. You are getting better.

BAD: Calling out the Wall? How many times do we have to see him beat up David, Crowbar, and Bigelow? Wall is not going to get over by beating up the same three guys every week.

UGLY: David hit the table badly...looks like his back hit hard there.

BAD: Nash on the cover of the WCW Magazine. Why put a guy who has been MIA for over a month on the cover of their flagship publication? I know...I's printed months ahead of time. Why not just tighten the deadlines?

GOOD: Torrie looking hot, as usual.

BAD: Madden going out of his way to put Hogan down.

GOOD: He is right.

GOOD: Booker on fire.

BAD: You can tell this is a rushed match. Close to the top of the hour.

BAD: Madden with the "Spinneroonie!" line again. Hey Mark, it's not over. In fact, it's fucking stupid, so knock it off.

BAD: Booker's second uranage. Barely got off him off the ground.

GOOD: Torrie getting physical against one of the Harris Boys. Seemed a bit late, since the belt shot to Booker was a couple of seconds before that, but anytime there's the chance for some fallout, I am all for it!

GOOD: The Paisans dropping Disco. Good, let him go back to singles competition. His short ring time should come to an end now.

GOOD: Liz again dressing more elegantly than a leather miniskirt and a sleeveless zipper front shirt. She's really a beautiful woman, and the years have been really kind. Is it me or does that dress really make her looked racked?

GOOD: Luger's quick and dirty promo about Vamp coming up to the major leagues. It was straight to the point and convincing.

GOOD: Vamp appearing in the ring behind Luger.

BAD: The first few minutes of this match. Very sloppy work.

GOOD: Vamp actually favors that "broken arm" throughout most of the match. Not bad selling...if you didn't see it, watch the tape again.

BAD: Vampiro loses again. Jesus Christ, will they ever get the picture? Job him out again, why don't you? Yeah, keep sacrificing him to the same main eventers, that'll get his tattooed ass over alright.

BAD: Madden puts Vamp over the whole match, but when Sting comes out to the ring to help Vamp during the beat down he curses Stinger for his interference.

GOOD: Papa Pump's promo. I did miss him...

BAD: I recall writing that quite recently. Let's see, he was out from his injury, he came back, shot his mouth off, got suspended, and came back again. He has learned the one way to truly get heat, vanish for a while and then come back. He must have learned that from Sting.

HORRIFIC: Every time I see Rikki Rattman, I want to smash things...mostly things that look like his face. He's the suckiest suck that ever sucked. (Vague Reference)

WHAT? A press conference with Sid Vicious? Did they find a bunch of reporters who think that wrestling is actually real competition? Let me guess, this is a stupid way for us to justify Sid's eventual turn on Hogan later tonight.

INTERESTING: Rhodes shoots on the older wrestlers. I wonder if he will get suspended and fined now.

GOOD: Hugh Morrus versus Norman Smiley. Two decent workers that I can stand to see together in the ring.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO... Hugh's "Pop"? Remember when the old man wandered out to the ring on Nitro that night? Where is the wrinkly dude now?

BAD: Norman still acting inconsistently. Sometimes he's brave, sometimes he's cowardly. Sigh.

GOOD: I did not expect Morrus to win that match. Nice surprise. Must be a new push.

BAD: The Demon's music cues up a bit soon.

WORSE: Demon comes into the ring for no reason and gets pounded on by Morrus. That made no sense and just served to make both Norman and Demon look bad. What? That was WCW's goal because they are both getting over and nobody gives a rat's ass about Morrus? OK, then.

GOOD: Decent booking here with Rhodes and Hennig set to go at it.

BAD: A bogus DQ ends the match before it gets going. 

UGLY: Looks like the chair shot on Hennig was botched when the chair opened and one of the legs smacked him in the face. 

BAD: Heavy handed attempts to put Hogan over Sid and tease the heel turn are continued when Mean Gene mentions that he wanted to speak to Hogan but is settling for Sid instead. Vicious even furthers it by telling Jimmy Hart to keep interference from ringside. Jesus, this is obvious. Why not just write it on a sledgehammer and smash it through my television?

GOOD: I liked Sting's promo. When he's intense...and actually there...he's quite good.

BAD: How long do we have to wait for the Meng versus Tank match? Why wasn't it booked for the last PPV? Why do I even care?

BAD: Tank versus the Barbarian. Wasn't this match already booked once? Has Tank already run out of guys willing to put him over? I suppose so.

JUST A COMMENT: Fuck Rikki Rattass. 

BAD: Madden on the first Flair versus Sting: "It was 1988, Clash of the Champions, I remember it well." Rented it last night, didja, Mark?

GOOD: This match. I expected no less from these two guys. It may be an amalgam of the past ten years, but who cares? It's still cool.

BAD: Of course, Luger has to interfere. I guess it really is a repeat of the last ten years.

SCARY: Flair nails Stinger in the nuts and leaves his and in Sting's crotch for a few seconds before nailing him again. This is a family show!

BAD: Have you noticed that Papa Pump's new angle is the whole "WCW can't censor him" thing? Uh, I hate to be the one to say it, but they did censor him. They did suspend him. He did not beat the system, he was bitch-slapped by it.

OK: The main event. Of course, it does not compare with what WWF gave us tonight, it isn't horrible. Two of the guys in the ring are great grapplers, one is okay, and the other is over the hill but with his fair share of face heat. I guess this is about the best we can expect from WCW.

I CALLED IT: Hogan gets screwed by Sid. Wow. I predicted that during the opening interviews. Sad, sad, sad.

BAD: Tony calls it an "unprovoked attack." What show was he watching? Didn't he see all the blatant clues? Schiavone must be the dumbest person in the world.

QUESTION: Why did Sid have to turn heel to turn on Hogan. Can't they be on opposite ends of the fence but still both be faces? 

ANSWER: Because Hogan wants the most face heat he can get. In order to do so, he has to face a monster heel.

OVERALL: Actually not a bad show as a whole. There were some well-booked matches, but unfortunately, the endings sucked for most of them. The main event was not awful, since it's good to see Papa Pump back in action. Even though I knew exactly what the ending was going to be, it's always nice to see Hogan get beaten down. Too bad he keeps getting up.


GOOD: Tag team elimination tournament leading to a battle royal to determine the #1 contenders! What do you know, that sounds like wrestling to me.

GOOD: Vinnie Mac is back, gotta love life.

BAD: The Stooges acting like stooges again. I always hated that comedy bullshit.

GOOD: DX's new theme music. I dig RUN DMC.

BAD: I hope that they don't use the rest of the music off the new Aggression album. It really isn't that good.

WOW: What a pop for the Hardys! Jesus, this crowd is hot.

WOW II: The MONSTER "X-Pac Sucks" chant. This crowd is RED hot!

GOOD: Jeff Hardy with a suicide kick through the ropes. Nice move.

GREAT: Kane's interference leading to a hot Hardy Boys win. Everything about the booking here was great. The action outside the ring was cool as was the finish inside. Need I even mention the post-match choke slam to Torrie was quite well received as well? No? Thought not. Wonder why? Go re-read my opener.

GOOD: Stef and Triple H get piles of heel heat by just uttering a few sentences. They are so over, it's frightening.

PREDICTION: I am guessing that the match will be between...Shane and Stephanie! It's a long shot, but what else could they do that would "rock the foundation of the WWF"?

INTERESTING: The triple threat is going to happen tonight? Listen to that crowd! Vince is a genius. He's already got this crowd so jacked, they could run Moolah versus Mae Young for the rest of the night and they wouldn't come down.

I STILL idea was better.

GOOD: No Triple Threat match at Wrestlemania! Yeah! Yeah! I just love this company.

BAD: No time to hype the new main event. There's only three major TV shows between now and then...

GOOD: Hot looking Ho's tonight. I have only been to Chicago once and I did not care for it. I should head on back sometime soon...

BAD: Papa Shango has got to be getting sick of spewing the same catchphrases every week.

BAD: Bull Buchanan? What? I heard this guy showed up on Heat this week. Is he supposed to be another protégé of the BBM? Not again.

GOOD: They just lay into the Godfather and get it over with. As long as I don't have to see Ray Traylor wrestle, I am happy.

GOOD: Kane versus Rikishi. Have these two fought before? I don't recall.

BAD: I can already see the end...the NAO run in and the two big men join forces to take them out leading to a quick feud culminating at Wrestlemania. Watch me work!

GOOD: Too Cool versus The Radicals. I like the odds that this will be a good match.

GOOD: Deano looks great carrying that gold.

GOOD: Eddie looks comfortable in the WWF. I can't wait until he is wrestling again.

BAD: This match seems awfully formulaic. It feels like every Too Cool match I have seen for the past four weeks.

GOOD: The crowd loves it anyway.

BAD: Too Cool wins by screwjob. I hate when face teams win by cheating.

UGLY: Why must we constantly be "treated" to a close up of Rikishi's ass every time he's on camera? We know his cheeks are large enough to conceal the 32nd Airborne, no need to fill our television screen with the damned thing.

HEY! Rikishi and Kane are already tag teaming against X-Pac and Road Dogg at Wrestlemania! How did I miss that?

AH HA! There's the DX run-in.

AWESOME: Benoit gets mic time! What did he say? I don't know. I was just basking in his glory. *bask* *bask*

GOOD: Benoit versus Jericho. I'm loving life. This show has been quite awesome thus far tonight. What's the occasion, Vince?

GOOD: Rocky telling Michael Cole to suck a monkey's nipple. How many signs will this spawn for Smackdown?

WOW: Has it been a year since Rocky wore WWF World Championship gold?

GOOD: Benoit get a shot at IC gold at Wrestlemania! Woo Hoo!

GOOD: Jericho shooting on "Ben-oyt." I could do without the "no charisma" crack, but hey, Jericho is cool enough for me to forgive him.

GOOD: Benoit and Jericho going at it intense-like!

GREAT: Jericho countering a backdrop with a body press! Wow! Nice!

NOTE: This match is opposite Hogan/Sid versus Jarrett/Steiner. I LOVE the idea that two former WCW guys are kicking the ratings crap out of their old promotion's main event.

GOOD: Benoit selling the bulldog. He goes face first to the mat! I love it!

OUCH: Benoit and Jericho tattooing each other with those chops!

BAD: Benoit loses when Angle nails him with the belt. Fuck! 

GOOD: It was a legitimate bit of interference that furthers the storylines, so I will tolerate it for now.

GOOD: Snow and Blackman backstage. "You're trying to bribe me with a dollar?!?" I laughed. "Maybe you'll listen to what Ben Franklin has to say." I laughed harder. Where's So-crates? (Vague Reference) 

BAD: The Hollys versus Head Cheese. Sounds like the crowd is slowly starting to die out. Bummer.

GOOD: Tazz going after Holly for the Hardcore Title. 

BAD: The match in the ring was so boring, everyone was getting beer so we don't get to see what happens when Tazz and Crash head to the concession area.

WOW: That new RUN DMC DX video. Those shots of Torrie and Steph at Scores...whew. Okay, get a hold of yourself, Michaelangelo. "I am the master of my domain." (Vague Reference)

BAD: GTV again? What the hell?

HUH: Miss Kitty is back in black hair again? What? Why?

ON THE FENCE: This whole Terri/Kitty confrontation. I figure it will lead to Kitty taking Terri down when she inevitably interferes in the next match.

HM: The crowd is looking off camera and booing, and now chanting "asshole." My guess is some puppies were shown and someone was kicked out. Shame it happened during this match. These four guys are putting on a decent display.

GOOD: Mideon screwing up and costing the Acolytes the victory. Serves them right for hiring him.

INTERESTING: No sign of Terri. She must be planning to mess with the battle royal. I still say she's gonna get involved.

GOOD: The Big Valbowski is back. Perhaps he can win tonight.

BAD: Nope, he's facing Test who is going to be part of a new stable under Trish Stratus.

IS IT ME... or does Trish look like an older, sluttier Gorgeous George?

GOOD: I missed the way Val takes the throw to the corner. He bounces hard and hits the mat. Are all Canadians great sellers?

BAD: A heel turn for Test? Why? At least they could justify it.

BAD: "T&A."  Too easy...way too easy.

GOOD: Trish Stratus is HOT, so I can forgive it.

BAD: SNL clips. See my opener for more comments.

GOOD: Buh Buh Ray Dudley on The Worm: "What the hell is this? This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen." Here here!

GOOD: Too Cool and Head Cheese out early. We want to see Edge/Christian versus the Hardies and that's what we get!

GOOD: Dudleys get involved. Tons of heel heat here...and it makes the Battle Royal more interesting.

BAD: It never really ends...who is the winner here?

GOOD: I honestly have no idea who is going to win this match. I think HHH will come out on top tonight, but what will that mean for Wrestlemania's main event?

DECENT: The main event was much like I thought it would be. Lots of double teaming on Rocky, lots of close calls, Show and HHH finally go after each other, there's a lot of craziness, and then after some interference, the champ retains.

MORON: The idiot who rushed the ramp. Nice job taking him down HHH.

GOOD: Linda McMahon doesn't even flinch when that fan gets taken down on the ramp. That's professionalism.

MARKOUT MOMENT: Mick gets one last shot at the glory. Linda McMahon is cool.

GOOD: Mick getting his shot at Wrestlemania. I'd forgotten rumors that he was going to be there. Great pop for Foley.

BAD: The only thing worse than a Triple Threat is a Fatal Four Way. Main events should be one on one and that's it.

OVERALL: I have to say it, in spite of the "you are a WWF shill" mail messages I expect to get. This was a fantastic show. The crowd was hot from the get go, there was some excellent angle advancement and tons of great in-ring action. If Vince keeps this formula going, he will appeal to all fan elements. Aside from the odd dead spot (The Hollys versus Head Cheese in particular) I can't say much of this show was really anything less than fun and entertaining.

Well, that's it for this week. Before we go, I have to share an e-mail with you that made me burst out laughing. If you check this out and don't laugh, well, I can't be held responsible.

Subject: Mark Madden was in Star Wars?!?!? 

I saw this, and I immediately thought you should see this, if for no other reason than the chuckle you'd get.

It's almost uncanny the similarity in appearance.
And who hasn't wished for Madden to go out the same way, riding his commentary table down in a pyre of flame and...You mean it's just me?


Oh, I chuckled alright. Thank you and goodnight.

Questions? Comments? Heavy machinery? Write me at All letters will be answered or drove off the deep end.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

[slash] wrestling

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission