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Yeah, sure, okay. I am still writing this blasted column after all these months. I am still Michaelangelo and this is still a bunch of words strung together that will hopefully make sense to someone.



Since this is the last RAW before Wrestlemania, the WWF will probably be giving us a packed show this evening. No surprises there. 

It's the other guys we need to keep an eye on right now.

What a shocker, the all-time low buy rate for their last PPV has caused WCW to make major management changes yet again. It looks like Busch and Sullivan are out, and Russo and Bischoff may be back in some sort of mutated tandem of power. How will those two co-exist? I can't say, but methinks a balance of the two styles might just be the trick to getting World Championship Wrestling on the road to recovery.

And it is a long road. 

A very long road.

Like from here to Ceti Alpha 5.


So, rumors abound that the existing storylines will be dropped and next week's show will be taped in advance to give the new head office time to get their shit together. At any rate, it's a safe bet that WCW has some interesting stuff in store for us tonight at Spring Breakout 2000. After that, who knows? Another title run for Hogan and heels winning all the time. I can take it, I'm tough.

But I'll tell you what, if I see Jason Hervey for any reason, I am going to put shit under Bischoff's car door handle.

On that note, now is the time to crown our King of Vague References. It's the mainstay Kevin Nishimine who got all five correct. Here is his e-mail:

From: Kevin Nishimine 
Subject: Probably late again... 

Lots of TV references this week...

"Patience Lewis, we're only human." Last line in RoboCop2. This series deteriorated badly, which is amazing to me since Frank Miller wrote 2 and 3, and I consider Miller to be a god among men.

"Hey, how you doin'?" Used often by Joey in Friends.

"He's the suckiest suck that ever sucked." Homer said something like this, right? When in doubt, go with the man.

"Where's So-crates?" Bill and Ted speaking about the most excellent philosopher.

"I am the master of my domain." From the Seinfeld masturbation episode. Great stuff (the episode, I mean).

Weekly Benoit WWF Rant: 0-1-1 last week. Excellent RAW match vs. Jericho, but was made to look pretty bad at Smackdown, both in the ring and by Jericho on the mic. He'd better come away with a belt at WM.


Great job (again), Kevin. Props to the following people who came in with four of five references each: Andrew Fitta, Zeb N. Olsen, Bob S., Jason Horner, Dave, and Charles E. Mosier. You are all Samurai of Vague References.

You know the deal. Find the Vague References and mail your guesses to me at 

Now then, on with the show(s).


INTERESTING: No clips of previous angles. What does that mean? 

UGLY: Mean Gene's ugly shirt. Did his wife get new curtains?

GOOD: Kimberly coming out instead of her husband. She is looking HOT. Page, Page, Page, you are a lucky man.

I WONDER...if DDP is returning as a face or a heel. If memory serves, he was a good guy the last time we saw him.

THERE'S YOUR ANSWER: He is playing up to the crowd. Looks like we got a face on our hands.

BAD: DDP on the new WCW Movie: "Ready to Rumble is like Wayne's World meets wrestling." Whenever you compare a new film to a popular old one, it usually means that the new film is not really all that good. Time will tell. "Time has told!" (Vague Reference)

BAD: During DDP's tirade, the NWO music kicks up and one guy comes out. Let me remind you of something, WCW. The NWO is a gang, not a solo act. Jeez, I hope this is one of the storylines that goes away on April 10.

GOOD: I will give them this, it's obvious that they can't beat DDP down because of his injury, so at least there's a reason for the jawing.

BAD: I dare Jarrett to cut one promo without saying "slap"-something. I bet he can't do it.

GOOD: Sting and Vamp versus Team Package in a no DQ, no count-out, pinfalls count anywhere Texas Tornado match. I think that might just be watchable.

GOOD: Tony Schiavone verifies that Bischoff and Russo will be together, and even gives the internet a nod. Yeah, he said we'd get Russo's answer tonight. That means it's already been decided. Seriously, they wouldn't even mention it otherwise.

GREAT: Jimmy Hart beats on Mancow.

BAD: If I have to see that damned match, I will chew my own cheeks out.

GOOD: Mike Modest! Cool! He's got a shot at the Cruiserweight Title and I hope he wins! (If you are not sure who this guy is, you haven't seen Beyond the Mat yet).

BAD: I get the feeling that fucking sloppy-ass Artist will go over him.

GOOD: It still could lead to a push for the little guy.

GOOD: Booker is in the hizouse! Light someone up, Booker, and then head for the U.S. Title.

BAD: The horribly missed spot by The Artist on Candido from last week. He missed that jumping DDT by about five feet.

GOOD: They decided not to show that spot during the replay.

BAD: Extra music plays after The Artist comes out. Still having production problems, eh?

GREAT: Modest looks awesome in there. I could easily be a fan.

INTERESTING: Sid has put a bounty on Hogan's head. Does that mean we'll see Hogan getting attacked at every turn?

BAD: Yes, but he will likely go over all his attackers.

GOOD: Paisley's takes a good bump off the apron.

GREAT: Modest hits his cool finisher and wins the match.

BAD: It was a non-title match. When were they going to tell us? Sigh, it figures. It would have been cooler if they let the newcomer grab the title. It's not like The Artist is over or something.

BAD: Madden on the win: "That may be the biggest upset I have ever seen." Frankly, I was more shocked when the 1-2-3 Kid beat Razor Ramon, but that's just me.

BAD: Big Ron on Booker's challenge: "You're gonna find out how unlucky lucky can be." What the fuck does that mean?

BAD: Having to look at Rikki Ratass. Isn't his fucking contract up yet?

BAD: Madden feigns ignorance and pretends he's never heard of Mike Modest. Don't try to tell me he didn't see the film.

THE SAD TRUTH IS: Madden's ignorance is probably not feigned. Ever.

OH, SHUT UP: Tony and Madden putting Bischoff over when just a few months ago both these guys were praising his departure. Jesus, do they think the fans have no minds whatsoever?

BAD: Do we have to hear Madden scream "Spinerooni!" three times every time Booker wrestles?

BAD: Booker loses to another screwjob. "Hachi Machi!" (Vague Reference)

WORSE: Booker gets beatdown by Harlem Heat again. Can we please end this feud? HH should be in the Tag Team ranks and Booker should be going for singles gold. How hard is that to realize?

GOOD: Vamp working with Hogan. Say what you will about Hogan, he still can cut decent promos. If Vamp can glom some pointers of the Hulkster, then it's all good.

NOTE: I have been reading Scott Keith's Wrestlemania Recaps and have been feeling nostalgia towards most of the old time wrestlers...that includes Hogan, so I don't mind seeing him out there tonight...tonight.

GOOD: Hogan puts Vampiro over. 

BAD: That means that Hollywood will be beating Vamp on a future Thunder.

BAD: The Wall appears on the top of a 15 story hotel. Hogan has to scream his name because nobody around the ring can see him. What makes this even dumber is that Hogan shouts a challenge that Wall can't possible hear and Wall accepts it by screaming "Okay" at Hogan which, again, cannot possibly be heard. Oy oy oy.

GOOD: The Paizans and Disco versus the Jung Dragons. This might be worth something.

GOOD: The Jung Dragons are using 3 Count's discs and are imitating their lip syncing. This is so lame, it's funny.

I KNEW IT: Russo and Bischoff together. Now, don't fuck it up, guys. They'd better not because Tony is putting it over like it's the most fantastic thing since the invention of the chairshot.

DECENT: This match. The combination of high flying and power is really well displayed here. 

GOOD: Vito running around with one of the dragons raised in a vertical suplex. Comical enough to make me smile.

UGLY: The double top rope attack finishing move on Disco looks like it missed and he took a stiff leg shot to the face. Ow.

GOOD: I like Vamp and Sting together. It's like the master and the that whole face paint thing is kind of cool too. "I say I'm dead, and I move." (Vague Reference)

OH YEAH: The Nitro Girls. 

BAD: They barely show them. We get a long shot of it and they get 15 seconds at the most. 

GOOD: Whoooooo!

BAD: Have you considered that the whole conversation about the creative direction of WCW in the hands of Russo and Bischoff is a huge shoot? Admitting that there are creative forces behind the scenes breaks the highest levels of kayfabe. I guess WCW has just given up on all of that and is doing whatever they have to at this point to get back on track.

GOOD: Gotta love Liz. "Still a hottie after all these years." (Vague Song Reference)

BAD: With the four men pairing off at different parts of the arena, this will be a tough match to shoot. I bet they miss most of the best spots.

BAD: What the hell was Liz doing with that glass of ice? She hit Sting in the ass and then threw her arms up in frustration. 

WORSE: The obligatory pool spot is done by Package this year...did anyone not see that coming?

GOOD: I bet the action in the ring between Vamp and Flair is really great.

BAD: We have to watch a food fight between Sting and TP instead.

OH BOY: Sting and the Package are headed for the beach. 

GOOD: The girl doing a Daffney impression on the beach.

BAD: Sting wins with a lame surfside pile driver. This match was a total could have been so much better.

AWFUL: Madden on Sting's aqua victory. "That son of a beach." Fuck you Madden, you suck a little more every week, you goddamned shill.

GOOD: Booker's comment about Bischoff and Russo: "Do your job." Preach, my friend. I am right beside you!

BAD: More stupid ass shit with college students screaming the benefits of an anti-fungal cream.

GOOD: No sign of Rikki Ratass.

UGLY: Terry Funk and Gene Okerlund. Add these two guys' ages up and you got over a century. Please, Terry, retire and stay retired before you die in the ring.

GOOD: It's Meng.

BAD: He is sporting the monster 'fro again. 

GOOD: The Chairman in the house! La Parka! Wooo!

BAD: Dollars to donuts they do that stupid overdubbed voice thing that gets him in trouble again.

YEP: They did it again. Although, I have to admit, the "Angela Davis" line was worth a chuckle. Problem is, how many people actually know who Angela Davis is?

BAD: Of all the women at the Spring Breakout to hit on, Buff has to hit on the NWO Girls? Has this guy learned his lesson yet?

INTERESTING, BUT NOT EFFECTIVE: Interviewing the wrestlers and getting their insight on the Russo/Bischoff connection. I am unsure what purpose it serves other than to confuse the non-smart fans.

SACRILEGE: Someone remade "We're Not Gonna Take It"? Who the hell though that this was a good idea? I am a purist, if it isn't the original Twisted Sister version, I want no part of it!

GOOD: I am laughing at the above, and I hope you are too.

BAD: They have been pushing The Wall as a monster heel...sort of (he beat up the same two guys for a month), and now they seek to kill what little credibility he has by jobbing him to Hogan.

OH CHRIST: Hugh Morrus versus Terry Funk. Why must I be subjected to this shit?

GOOD: Next week is a "Best-Of" for Nitro! Woo Hoo! One less show to recap! WOOOOOO! We Internet columnists truly love weeks like that. Hey, CRZ, give me an amen!

GOOD LORD: Terry Funk eats a stiff powerbomb on the sand.

BAD: Morrus sells Funks punches a little too much. The guy has one foot in the grave, for fuck's sake! Just sit on him! He won't get up!

BAD: Why the hell didn't Rhodes wait for Morrus to win the match before interfering? What the hell kind of stupidity is that?

WHY...did Morrus moonsault the ref? What the hell did Mickey Jay do?

I WONDER...why Hogan is putting Vampiro over so much? This is highly suspect. Anyone got any theories? Drop me a line.

WOW: Those NWO Girls are incredible. What else is there to say?

AVERAGE: Pump and Jarrett's promos. Been there, done that.

CONFUSING: The Artist breaking character to talk about Bischoff and Russo. Once again, confusing and totally worthless.

BAD: Excuse me whilst I fast forward through this fucking stupid ass bullshit  commercial for some pre-paid cellular phone disguised as a Spring Breakout 2000 spot. 

GOOD: Hennig/Bagwell versus Steiner/Jarrett. These four guys can go, and they do. Pump has a touch of the old ring rust, but otherwise it isn't so bad.

BAD: Jarrett eats a Blockbuster but gets right up. Way to sell a finisher, Jeff.

I of the wrestlers would comment like this when asked about Russo and Bischoff: "You know, I've worked for both these guys and I have to say that neither of them is going to drag this company out of the mudpit into which it's fallen. Fuck WCW, I quit!" 

YEAH, I won't happen, but I can always dream, right?

DAMN: Nice bump by Crowbar there. I am sure that it wasn't as bad as it looked, but it was still cool.

BAD: Wall/Hogan could have happened...and it could have worked, but it is being booked too soon. This match is akin to the Sid/Abbott match from a couple of weeks back. Abbott could have been a major player, but he was pushed to the main event too soon and now he has lost what little heat he had as a result. The same will happen to Wall.

GOD AWFUL: This match. 90% punching, 10% staggering. Yikes.

WHAT THE HELL? Is this a no DQ match? Chairshots abound and no bell.

BAD: Hogan hulks up after the chokeslam. Yep, so much for that.

WHOAH! YEAH! The Wall no-sells Hogan's leg drop! Yeah baby!

WHAT THE HELL? Vampiro interferes? They double-team the Wall? Isn't that a heel tactic? The Wall was legitimately winning before the run-in...I don't get it...OW! I have a headache! Damn you WCW!

SUGGESTION: It's too late now, but if the match had to end with a DQ for Hogan, it would have made more sense to have David Flair and/or Crowbar make the save instead of Vampiro.

OVERALL: What can I say about this show? The matches that had potential were lousy and those that I thought would suck, well...they did. The series of surveys of the wrestlers about Russo and Bischoff were pointless and I hated all the Spring Breakout spots. The booking for the main event was extremely confusing as Hogan and Vamp forced a DQ when it seemed that Hogan was in trouble. I suppose it did the wall good, but it also made both Hogan and Vamp look stupid. The show was a wash and I am glad that I don't have to watch it next week.


INTERESTING: They didn't bleep Stephanie calling her mother a "bitch." tonight.

GOOD: Nice stiff slap by Stef on Linda.

BAD: Linda's tearful selling of her daughter's attack punches a serious dent in the tough matriarchal image she had going all these months.

GOOD: Makes me want to tune in, so I guess we have a winner.

GOOD: Linda has her own music! It's kind of cool and jazzy! It does sound familiar...I bet CRZ knows what it is.

WOW: She gets a decent pop. That's kind of hip. She's smiling like nuts. She is starting to have fun out there...

GOOD: Linda cuts a cool promo. I guess this talent is just a family quality. Can you imagine if your family did this for a living...too cool, I swear.

BAD: It's a bit long.

GOOD: The minute Linda says that she is demanding that Stephanie come out, it garners a loud pop.

BETTER: Loud turns to louder when Vince comes out to join his wife in the ring.

POSTULATION: This is looking like it could turn into a four-way family fight. If the parents and the kids get it on, I will mark my ass off.

GOOD: Honest smiles by the McMahons during their promo. You can tell they are having a good time out there.

GOOD: Vince hinting to some rivalry between himself and Linda by talking about how he will be raising The Rock's arm in victory on Sunday.

INTERESTING: I wonder how the McMahon family feud will actually affect the Wrestlemania main event? I am thinking that the wrestlers may wash their hands of their "sponsors" and make it a purely in-ring affair.

GOOD: Stephanie looking good in a little denim skirt.

WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE? Stephanie is all too quick to apologize.

HERE IT COMES: Yep, she'd rather slap her father.

GOOD: Vince in rare form saying that he was going to "blister Stephanie's fanny until it turns blue." Stef pantomiming a spanking was kinda' hot too.

GOOD: HHH's promo. He's arrogant, funny, and mean all at the same time. I just love this guy.

BAD: No sign of Shane yet.

GOOD: Here he is.

INTERESTING: Shane siding with his parents...nope, there's the attack on dad.

GREAT: The rest of this spot! All hell breaks loose! I am marking my head off! All the players are there! The faces get laid out! What makes it all the more sweet is the fact that you can bet Vince will book something soon that will balance the scales and please the fans. I do sense a tag match in the works for tonight. Gawd, I just eat this shit up.

BAD: Do we have to hear about Third Rock from the Sun every time Chyna comes to the ring?

GOOD: At least the sitcom's actors have not shown up yet.

I WONDER...if the rumors about Chyna and HHH breaking up are true.

BAD: Y2J calling Benoit the "robotic crappler." Come on Benoit, lay this guy out. (Sorry, CyanIndigo, You know where my allegiances lie.)

COOL! Benoit has his own music! It's quite appropriate...mean and gritty, just like my man Benoit.

YEAH! Benoit gets the pin and then he and Eddie start to punk out Chyna!

BAD: The match is entirely too short.

DECENT: The extracurricular activities in this match. The Radicals pound on Chyna and Too Cool makes the save. The crowd is going ballistic and the angles advance decently. No complaints.

GOOD: Vince calls out Shane tonight...could this be a six man tag match?

BAD: As much as I love Hardcore Holly, he has a tendency to slow the pace of the show. It happened last week...

BAD: I have little interest in this match.

GOOD: All the run-ins make this a bit more compelling. It's actually funny to see little crash getting chased by all these wrestlers trying to get his title.

BAD: As Crash hides behind the trash can, does anyone else notice that the camera is pointing right at him?

GOOD: Shane bluntly turning down his father's challenge with one simple word. "No!" (Vague Mel Brooks Reference)

BAD: The Road Dogg is still going for the face pop by playing up to the crowd. As long as he does it, I am going to point it out.

BAD: I think it's time for Rikishi to have his own music. Enough of this Too Cool shit.

UGLY: Rikishi's ass in James' face. Jesus, what these guys have to endure.

ASTOUNDING: That Too Cool dance still gets a monster pop from the crowd. It has been a while since they've done it on TV.

GOOD: Rock washing his hands of the McMahon feud. I thought so...

BAD: Edge and Christian turning heel on the Hardies. I like them as faces.

WOW! Christian speaks! Did the Devil just shiver?

GOOD: Saturn and Malenko versus the Hardy Boys. I can dig it. It's time for my daily dose of in-ring action.

GOOD: I like the trash talk from the blonds during this match. Finally they are in a feud that involves talking...

COULD BE BETTER: This match. Seems to be a series of familiar spots. Are these guys getting lazy due to the promotion's success? They seem to be phoning in their performances.

BAD: Edge and Christian keep repeating the phrase "We aren't taking anything away from them as wrestlers." Can the Respect Train please leave the station already?

GOOD: The interference by Edge and Christian. I don't like them as heels, but it was a cool spot.

GOOD: Cool line by Show where he talks about "unplugging" the most electrifying man in sports entertainment. Not terrible. I wonder who wrote that one.

INTERESTING: So it's Shane and Show versus Rocky. I still say it's a six man...just wait and see.

AGAIN? Kane versus Kurt Angle. This match already happened.

GOOD: Angle talking about how he has tons of retarded fans. The great thing about this guy is the fact that he is a heel simply because he is ignorant, not because he is evil. Ya' gotta' love to hate him. this match taking place?

BAD: I didn't like anything about this booking. I guess it sorta advanced the current storylines, but it did make Angle lose a little face.

IT'S COMING TOGETHER: Four men are locked in...two more to go.

WOW: Trish Stratus and her two not so little friends (and I don't mean Test and Albert). "Are those things on or am I wasting my time?" (Vague Reference)

GOOD: Can Al Snow and Blackman cut a promo that doesn't make me laugh?

ON THE FENCE: I like Test, but teaming him with Prince Albert would not be my choice for a push.

BAD: This match. Seemed like a bit of a waste of time to me.

SWERVE: Okay, so HHH is in the main event, but as a ref. I suppose that it makes sense, considering Mick will not in any sanctioned matches until Sunday. 

I he will be involved. Timekeeper? Second Ref? Enforcer?

BAD: In order to grind the show to a final halt, here's Bull Buchanan and The Big Bossman. Hey! They should get Barbara Bush as their manager and call themselves the "Buncha B's"!

WHAT? The Godfather and D-Lo? What's this about? 

BAD: Hey, I like the Ho's as much as the next some ways much, much more...but the booking of this match was just stupid.

GOOD LORD: Look at the size of those! That's almost grotesque. Can you imagine what that woman's elderly years will be like? Eyuch!

FORGIVE ME...for that last comment, but I bet you never considered it, did you.

OKAY, HERE WE ARE: Mick is the second referee, so all the players are lined up.

BAD: The GTV segment. You know that I like to see The Kat lose her clothes, but gratuitous is gratuitous and if Mae Young is involved, I don't want to see it. Besides, as much as I hate to admit it, unless it leads to more nudity at Wrestlemania, the fans will feel jilted after all this buildup. 

BAD: I could give a shit about the damn hip hop video version of the Rock's theme. Just get back to the show.

BAD: The night was going so well up until now...the show has just been sucking wind since the Hardys and the Radicals.

BAD: No real reason for booking D-Von versus X-Pac. What's the deal here so close to the top of the hour?

UGLY: The puss on Paul Bearer's face when they come down to the ring.

NICE: Dudley Death Drop on Kane.

GOOD: Torrie getting caught by Kane when she celebrates over the fallen Big Red Machine.

GREAT: Kane's bump through the table. Nice spot!

AWESOME! Lillian is wearing a super short, flowy, pleated, black skirt. Well alright. I just love it...

UGH: Please don't tell me all the wrestlers will be coming out to the Aggression-versions of their entrance themes.

GOOD: Vince knows better than to get into the ring against both men...but HHH changes his mind for him.

PAR FOR THE COURSE: The pace of this match. Rock in peril...yadda yadda yadda. Mick and HHH argue...OK OK OK. Rocky goes nuts on Shane...yep yep yep.

GOOD: Shane looks decent out there. Forgot how good he was in the ring.

SAD: See how hard it is for Mick to get up after doing a count? That man's knees are toast.

FUNNY: The look on Shane's face as Vince tosses him into the steel steps.

STUPID: Vince trying to take a shot at The Big Show. Now that was just a bad idea.

BAD: HHH selling Vince's punch like it's made of steel. Isn't Helmsley the champion and in his prime? A guy Vince's age and size should not be able to take him out so easily.

GOOD: The rest of the ending. Faces get revenge, the crowd goes home happy, and there's still time for some heel advantage on Thursday.

OVERALL: Well, the first hour was damned good. I liked the opening sequence, the Hardys/Radicals bout, and the whole Jericho & Chyna versus Benoit & Guerrero match. The second hour was convoluted and overbooked and really slowed the show down. However, they made up for it with a decent main event that laid the groundwork for some interesting possibilities for Thursday night. Not the best RAW ever, but watchable for what it was.

Well, can't say it was all that great a night for wrestling fans, but who am I? Just another armchair booker.

See you after Wrestlemania!

Questions, comments, strong odors? Write me at All mail will be answered or cast asunder.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

[slash] wrestling

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