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Oh my oh my. Here we are again. Mondays suck ass and sometimes, so do Monday nights. 

Yep, here's another edition of my insipid little column in which I use every pretentious bone in my body to pick apart WWF RAW and WCW Nitro. Yep, thousands of dollars go into each of these shows every week and I seem to think that I am qualified to tell you all just what they did wrong. Do I have the right to do this?

Damn straight, I do.

Let me start with a correction from last week's column. I must have missed that Stone Cold did not actually beat the tar out of the Brooklyn Brawler as I reported. He did in fact offer a handshake and Mr. Lombardi fell over in fear. Sorry. When you are writing a report as the show broadcasts live, sometimes you miss a detail or two. I will make sure to be more vigilant in the future.

Anyway, this week Nitro is not actually live! They taped the show a couple of days back from Brisbane, Australia. Damn, not even the off chance we might get to see something spontaneous like an wide open head wound or a bare breast. Hardly worth the effort to watch, is it? *Sigh* 

Anyway, I really don't know what to expect from the Atlanta-based company tonight. I would assume the continuation of the Goldberg streak and the first title defense from newly re-crowned WCW World Champion, Booker T. 

Meanwhile, at WWF headquarters, word on the net is that tonight we will finally find out who shot mean who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin. There are reports that HBK may well turn up tonight to help bring this little storyline to a head as well. Smart money is on one of two men, either "the man without an angle" Chris Jericho or the current WWF Commissioner, Mick Foley. I can't say for sure, but if they drag this thing on one more week, the fans may well become impatient. What are the odds of that?

Alright, let's get to it.


RIGHT OFF THE BAT: They have limousines in Australia and WCW is renting them! Well, at least they are consistent.

GOOD: Jarrett in full classic Stingface makeup and costume. That's the kind of cheap heat that I like.

GOOD: Is that a new opening for Nitro? If it is, I like it!

GOOD: They sold out the arena I hear. Now they can finally show us the whole crowd.

GOOD: Stevie Ray is on commentary! Yeah! If anyone can make Madden shut his fat mouth, it's Mr. Fruit Booty.

GOOD: The match between Ray and Elix. Good stuff.

WOW: Over the top rope powerbomb! What a bump!

BAD: These guys start to blow up early on in the match...they are wheezing and puffing.

BAD: Having to listen to Tygress, Madden, and Stevie Ray all screaming at the same time.

FUCKING AY: Madden calls Torrie and Tygress "yaks." He manages to steal his first line of the night from a guy sitting right next to him! Fucking asshole.

WHY...does Torrie attack Tygress? 

WELL...does it really matter? A good catfight is always worth a look.

GOOD: Rey jobs! You don't see that every day.

COOL: Skipper's finishing maneuver.

BAD: David Flair getting out of a car is an entire segment? What the hell?

GOOD: Mike Sanders gets the stick. Been a while since he's been given time to address the masses.

WHAT? Sanders is Commish? Are they going to explain this?

OH JOY: An Australian rules evening gown match. How bloody original.

GOOD: Stevie Ray actually calls Madden when the asshole tries to shout back at the crowd who is chanting "Russo Sucks." 

GOOD: Yeah baby! The Cat! I missed him last week. "I'm the greatest!"

BAD: Too bad he is gonna get his ass kicked by the NBT.

INTERESTING: The Cat and Sanders allying for one night? I don't think so.

GOOD: Finally Miller is on the attack for the first time. Usually he gets his ass waxed by the NBT. For once, he got the drop on them.

BAD: So do we know who is really the Commissioner? Let me guess. Next PPV will determine that.

WELL WELL: Look who's finally back! It's the "who cares if she's pregnant because this angle sucks and it went on too long" woman, Miss Stacey Hancock Keebler!

BAD: Ugh, more on the "who knocked her up" storyline. Just what I wanted.

BAD: Who the hell is this goofy asshole shouting "Where's the Stinger?" Does he realize he was way off cue there? 

WORSE: Madden shouts "It's the real Sting!" when Jarrett appears. Please, Heenan, knock this asshole off the chair and take over. God I miss him.

BAD: We get a tag team title match and don't get to see the Champions enter the ring?

GOOD: I can stand a match with these four guys.

BAD: Madden steals another line when he says "That duck's dynamite!" Anyone else seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Fuck you Madden. You can't lick John Cleese's shoes, jerkoff.

GREAT: Wright with a missile dropkick right to O'Hare's head! Impressive.

UNIQUE: Jindrack tags O'Hare with his foot. I don't think I have ever seen that before.

HOLY SHIT: Charles Robinson takes a massive clothesline! Jesus that man can take bumps.

WOW: The Boogie Knights  win the belts! That was a great match.

AWFUL: Another Dusty finish? What the hell? Who the fuck booked this? Can't there be a title change in Australia?

BAD: Restarting the match after Disco and Alex have been laid out. This is the kind of shit that the fans hated 9 months ago...

FUNNY: Jarrett mimicking Sting's Mastercard commercials! That's fucking great!

UGLY: Madden in outback gear. He looks like an inflated Crocodile Dundee.

ARGH! Madden has to say "Snootchie Bootchies" to Stacy. Does he want to get high with her?

GOOD: I will give Madden this, he was the first person to think to finally ask her outright who the father is.

BAD: Of course she tells us it's not our business. Oh, I have to contradict you blondie. Since we are being subjected to week after week of David Flair acting like a moron with a magical camera, you FUCKING OWE US AN ANSWER TO GET THIS CRAP OVER WITH.

GOOD: Madden insults Hancock...I certainly hope that Flair pastes his pimpled ass tonight. 

BAD: It does not happen. Poor Crowbar absorbs the punishment instead.

GOOD: At least we maintain angle consistency when Awesome makes the save.

HUGE: Pamela's breasts. You could feed a kangaroo with those.

BAD: Again, we get a single 30 second segment followed by a commercial.

BAD: You can tell Torri's shorts are pre-ripped in the back.

WHAT THE HECK...why the hell is that "bad"?

BAD: T&A aside, this match is painful to watch.

BAD: In spite of the fact that she wore less at the bikini contest a couple of weeks back, Torrie covers up in embarrassment when she loses her clothes.

GOOD: Konnan shouting Douglas' annoying catchphrases back at him. Something about that I liked. Perhaps because those catchphrases are delivered in such a n abrasive way and K-Dogg's mocking echoed my own feelings.

GOOD BUT COULD BE GETTING ANNOYING IF TAKEN TOO FAR: Jarrett continues his Sting imitation in the ring. This is classic Jarrett heel stuff, but let's not go overboard with it.

GOOD: Jarrett painted up by the old Sting means that we won't have to deal with Borden actually going back to it himself.

BAD: They are ramming this "Sting has no heart" crap totally down our throats. We get the idea, time to let it catch on itself.

BAD: Is it me, or is Madden the biggest idiot going? When Sting repels down, Madden shouts "Who is that?" and then he follows up with, "It's Alicia Silverstone!" He then proceeds to call the rest of the fight as if Jarrett is actually the real Sting, even going as far as interrupting the other commentators to scream at them because the keep calling Jarrett by his real name. Jesus. How much more of him are we expected to take?

BAD: Sting totally destroys Jarrett. Kind of makes Jeff look like a wimp w    ho stands no chance at the PPV. Oh, right, he doesn't.

INTERESTING: Nash is suited up for wrestling? 

BAD: Schiavone claims that Nash brought the NBT a long way, but if memory serves, it was Sanders' promotion to Commissioner that actually got them the gold. Nash just kept calling them losers.

FUNNY: Miller crotch chopping at Nash before blocking a sunset flip attempt.

GOOD: The crowd is hot. That has to make the wrestlers happy tonight.

BAD: Booker's jumping side kick spot is totally blown by Nash who falls way too soon. Booker's foot never even came close to hitting Nash.

WHAT THE HELL? Sam Greco? Papa Pump? What? Can't the faces win a match without there being some sort of heat killing beatdown following?

BAD: They mute Steiner calling Booker "boy." Are they that afraid of being construed as slightly politically incorrect? 

GOOD: Vito cuts a decent pre face/face match promo. I got no problems wit' dat.

BAD: Kronik turned heel for no reason whatsoever. They were over as a face tag of the few out there actually, but that was not good enough. Russo had to give us another "shocking swerve."

BAD: Goldberg wins the match in 15 seconds. Come on, can't we give some of these wrestlers some respect? Wouldn't it make sense for this task of Goldberg's to be a little harder than it is? It seems that it's just a matter of time before he gets his streak done, perhaps these matches should take something out of him.

BAD: He gets a win by beating a guy after the match is over? He was not booked to face Johnny the Bull tonight, so he should not get credit for the win. This is stupid booking that is insulting to the fans and I simply cannot abide by it.

BAD: I weep again for the dying career of Mike Awesome. I hear tell on the 'Net that he is happy about his current gimmick. I find that very hard to believe.

QUESTION: Why is Daphne's scream still in David Flair's music?

COOL: David does the Flair Flip, the Flair Strut, and takes the clothesline on the apron. Like father, like son.

BAD: Other than those comedic spots, this match cannot hold my interest.

GOOD: The right man won.

GREAT: Whoooooooo! Ric Flair!

WHY? Why is Madden putting Ric over? I thought he was a heel commentator...

GOOD: Awesome drops David at Ric's request and nobody turns on anyone else. Whew. I don't think I could have dealt with another swerve.

WOW: Major Gunns. Nuff said.

BAD: Why is she still hanging with the Canadians? This crap has gone on long enough...the horse is dead, please stop kicking it.

UGLY: What the hell is Konnan wearing over his eyes, is he supposed to be Cyclops or something? He looks like a reject from the Mos Eisley Cantina.

NOT BAD: The match between Konnan and Lance. Too bad there is gonna be a run-in.

THERE IT IS: Douglas interferes, causing Konnan to lose the match.

UM...Shane hit Konnan in the head, but it makes him tap out to the Maple Leaf even though he could have easily reached the ropes. I bet K-Dogg was pissed about that booking.

GOOD: Sting versus Steiner. If they play it straight, this could be a great match.

BAD: The inclusion of Jarrett as the guest referee throws that out the window.

WORSE: Like all other illogical WCW moves, Jarrett could screw Sting out of the victory right off the bat by DQ'ing him or using a fast count. Instead, he actually allows Sting to strike him without retribution and even stops counting when Sting kicks out. It makes no sense, and WCW does it all the time.

GOOD: Decent swerve at the end when Booker replaces Jarrett as the referee. 

BETTER: Steiner jobs to Sting! Mark this day on your calendar. Papa Pump was pinned!

OVERALL: I can't really say this was a terrible show. It flowed well and, aside from a few issues here and there, made sense. I can still do without Madden's inane braying as I think it really takes away from the credibility of the broadcast team as a whole. Most of the matches were decent, but they would have been a lot better if not for the plethora of run-ins and screwjobs. It's a shame really, the company seems to be getting better, but the impeding buy out threatens to change the creative team again, which will set them back months for sure. 


GOOD: A promise that the driver of the car who ran over Austin will be revealed tonight. They'd damn well better deliver. 

BAD: If you think about it, we have been waiting a year for this answer.

INTERESTING: Foley gets a lot of boos tonight. Funny since he is sort of a face in this whole scenario.

COOL: Here comes HBK.

BAD: He's not dancing. Awww.

GOOD: There he goes! Damn, I missed this guy.

WISHFUL THINKING: Michaels drove the car and he and Austin are locking up at the next PPV.

BAD: Never happen.

GOOD: HBK looks damn good. 

BAD: This is already turning into one of those waaaay too long opening segments.

GOOD: Shawn's non-confession to Mick. It's delightfully peppered with his own special brand of sarcasm.

STRANGE: This whole investigation is getting a little bizarre. The way Foley is pushing HBK in there would point to the old Commissioner being the guilty one...

COOL: Michaels on the driver of the car: "I hate to say it, but it wasn't me." Heh. His logic about wanting to be back in the spotlight is a well-written bit of dialog.

GOOD: This segment only runs 15 minutes.

GOOD: Lita gets a monster pop. That has got to make Vince happy. He made a star out of this one. Now, all he needs to do is get her into Playboy.

WOW: These ladies are every bit as hardcore as the men. Some stiff shots in there.

BAD: Is this the blowoff to the Lita and Jacqueline?

WORSE: JR says that the war between Jackie and Lita is not over. Why the hell not? Last I checked, a clean win like that signaled the end of a feud.

OH NO: The return of Debra? The driver had blonde hair...hmmm....NAAAH.

GOOD: Debra's legs are as long as they ever have been.

GOOD: That stuffed thing is spinning in the dryer behind him. For some reason, that made me chuckle.

INTERESTING: They reveal that Debra and Steve are married. I wonder how this play out in coming months. Will she be paired up with any other wrestlers now that we know what's really going on? If so, will she still show us her bra? Please? Please?

COOL: HHH and Jericho versus Benoit and X-Pac. I can do without the 1-2-3 Kid, but the other three guys are really cool.

THANK GOD! Linda has arrived, that usually signals the end of an angle!

HMMM: It's likely not Foley now, since the King just mentioned it as a possibility.

COOL: Raven versus Blackman. 

BAD: It's nontitle so we know just what the end result will be already.

BAD: Is it me or is Raven looking very sloppy out there?

OUCH: Blackman lifts Raven up and smacks his face against the steel steps. That looked painful.

BAD: Raven still gets beat, and then gets destroyed post match. *Sigh* Ataway to push the new guy.

YIKES: Now Foley begins to accuse Linda? Ugh. Now I am getting as sick of this angle as I am of the pregnancy angle in WCW. 

COOL: Benoit, baby. Yeah man. I want to see him turn on X-Pac and send him into a Pedigree.

GOOD: The psychology of this match. All four guys have at least some tension between them. It makes for rather interesting possibilities. 

GOOD: The rivalry between Jericho and Helmsley with the constant blind tags. This match is tells a story throughout.

BAD: JR keeps getting Jericho and Benoit mixed up.

COOL: The match deteriorates as HHH hits X-Pac by accident and Benoit nails a sweet backdrop for two! 

AWESOME: Benoit gets a pin on HHH! Great stuff there.

BAD: I guess that Hunter will get the win back at the PPV. *Sigh*

YEP: HHH versus Benoit at No Mercy. Looks like a loss for Benoit.

FUNNY: E&C calling HHH "The Parcheesi." Classic.

EWWW: HHH plops down on that leather couch in spite of the fact that he is coated in sweat. He's gonna ruin the upholstery!

HEH: Stephanie twists the knife by pointing out the number of losses HHH has had since he stopped allowing her to come down to ringside.

EH: Lo Down versus the Hardies. I like Matt and Jeff, but admittedly, D-Lo and Chaz just kinda cool me off.

OKAY: This match seems to be a way to put over Lo Down most of the match.

OH COME ON: JR actually has to wonder who the guys in gold suits were? 

BAD: Even with the interference, Lo Down still loses. What was the ref doing? 

GOOD: Al Snow and Mick chatting up backstage. It's soft spoken humor, which I kinda dig.

GOOD: Okay, I thought that up until now Snow's portrayals of various European countries were fairly lame, but I have to admit, tonight's depiction of Greece was quite funny.

GOOD: Regal's assessment of Trish: "She's a buxom wench, isn't she? Nice bristles." He says that with so much...class!

DECENT: This match between Snow and Test.

BAD: I am just waiting for the run-in. It's inevitable.

BAD: Snow resorts to cheating to win the match. He should be able to beat Test without using Head.

UGLY: The faces Regal makes in response to Snow's tainted victory. You gotta love this guy.

OH MAN: I guess we are back on track with the Chyna and Eddie breakup angle. I hope everyone remembered.

BAD: I saw the Chyna layout in playboy. Egads. Can you say "airbrush"? 

BAD: GTV? Again? What the hell? Are they ever gonna tell us who is behind that? It's been a year!

HEH: Eddie showering with the ho's. Now that is funny.

GOOD: Looks like we have reached the end of this relationship, and perhaps it is the beginning of the end of the angle.

BAD: Chyna wore her wedding ring to a wrestling match? She must either be very proud or very stupid.

COOL: Mr. Ass's save on Chyna. Great way to get the big man over in a hurry and it puts him into an angle where he can work a program with Eddie Guerrero.

BAD: I thought that Mick guaranteed that he would reveal the driver tonight. He is interrogating all the blondes 15 minutes before the show ends. Would seem to me that he does not know who the driver is at this point.

IS IT ME...or does Billy Gunn sound a little effeminate addressing Eddie? It's just my opinion, just saying is all.

COOL: Eddie cheats to win by smacking Gunn in the head with a bottle.

BAD: The main event gets almost zero hype tonight. No interviews with the participants or anything...what's the deal with that?

HEH: Kane beats the stuffing out of Angle to start the match off. At least there is continuity at work here.

GOOD: Angle refuses to help Kane in the match. Nice touch.

EH: This match. I get the feeling I have seen this stuff before...

WOW: Kane chokeslams Kurt Angle over the top rope!

BAD: Rocky cheats and delivers a Rock Bottom in spite of the fact that he is not the legal man in the ring. Was that really necessary? Angle has lost clean to HHH plenty of times, but we have to protect him from losing to Rocky cleanly?

BAD: Foley claims to know who drove the car that ran down Stone Cold, yet he accuses Rocky, who we all know is totally innocent. What a bunch of crap. They are copping out on us again.

WHAT? Foley says that The Rock is not guilty...hmm...I am eating my words.

RIKISHI IS THE ONE WHO RAN STONE COLD OVER? WHAT?!?! Wow. Vince got us all! Now let's hear his reasoning.

BAD: Anyone else get the impression that Rikishi's guilt was only established because he was the least likely person to have been guilty? Did they throw this together at the last minute because he is the only person on the roster that hasn't been speculated on the Internet? (You didn't read my SmackDown! report? - CRZ)

BAD: Racial reasons for the deed? Kinda dangerous ground to tread...

COOL: It's kind of interesting to hear Rikishi name drop like he did.

WAIT A SECOND: Is that applause and cheers that I hear during Rikishi's speech?

GOOD: The position this puts Rocky in now. He now has to come to terms with the fact that, although he is innocent of the actual wrongdoing, the last 10 months of his career were handed to him by Rikishi's actions. Now that may actually amount to something.

OVERALL: A loaded show to be sure. We got some angle advancement in the Chyna/Eddie situation, finally picking up where we left off. The HHH/Benoit feud has been furthered as well. I don't quite know how to feel about Rikishi being the driver that ran over Stone Cold. Something tells me that there is more to it, as it seems to be an anticlimactic ending to an angle that has dominated so much TV time as of late. Speaking of which, where was Austin tonight?

Yep, another week has come and gone. Amazing, really, how fast these days go by. 

Another amazing thing happened this week. My little sister gave birth to her first child. I am now Uncle Micahelangelo and will soon be Godfather Michaelangelo. This little boy is about the closest thing to a miracle that I will likely ever see in my lifetime. I just thought I'd share that with you all.

Questions, comments, fun in the sun? Write me at All letters will be considered a form of bribery.

I am Michaelangelo and will be for a while.

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission