THE WWF MAKEOVER
WCW. Heh heh heh.
Haa haa! Hoo Hoo! Hee Hee! HAAA HAAA HAAA!!!!
<Wipes a tear.>
WCW. Jesus, if ever a company was a living breathing joke, this one is. I mean, they get so damned close to doing the right thing, and then they manage to screw it up at the last possible second and make us all collectively emit a frustrated, "Nnnnngh...AWWWWWW!"
For example, they drop Stevie Ray from the announcer's gig. Why? Oh, he was getting over so we'd best stop that. He's drawing attention away from the big sunglasses-wearing idiot on the other end of the table. Let me tell you something, stealing heat from Mark Madden is as easy as finding free porn on the Internet, and three times as satisfying.
Anyway, since Madden had stolen most of Stevie's best lines, why would we need the original when a fifth-rate imitator is available.
Another non-Madden example? Sure. How about that main event for WCW's premier PPV? Steiner versus...SID! Oh, come on. The guy has been gone for months and the last time we saw him, he was a heel working for the evil Russo/Bischoff connection. What the heel kind of compelling storyline can they expect to build here? We all know that Sid's gonna wind up on his back at the end of the night anyway. At least if Goldberg were the opponent, there might be some element of surprise there.
Anyway, the point of this little diatribe is to convince some of the WCW workers to do the way of the Radicalz and sneak out of their contracts in favor of a lucrative, high profile position with the WWF. My good readers, I give you a list of folks who could do far better for themselves by collecting a paycheck signed by the man with the grapefruits of death, Vince McMahon. I am going to skip the obvious main eventers (Steiner, Booker, Goldberg, Flair, etc...) in favor of looking at some mid and lower card talent that I think could really carve their own niches, given half a chance to succeed.
Mike Awesome. Not since "The Ringmaster" was a potential main eventer this misused. Here's a guy that's 6'6" and weighns nearly 300 pounds that can leap over the top rope to the floor in a plancha. He was one of the scariest ECW champions in recent memory. In WCW, he's "That 70's guy." I need not express my extreme disdain for this gimmick. WWF makeover: Stop feathering the hair and get back to basics. Bring him in as a monster heel and have him punk out the current Intercontinental Champ, feud for a while and take the belt. From there, have him roll over big guys like Kane, Test, Taker, and a returning Big Show. This will establish him as a bad ass that you can really be scared to face in the ring. After that, it's just a hop skip and a jump to main event status.
Crowbar (Devon Storm). He's got a crazy-eyed look that is impossible to fake. He's lean and mean and has the kind of physique that really gets you over in New York. His ability to take huge bumps are always appreciated. In WCW, he's just another 70's guy. WWF makeover: Lose the Crowbar name! What the hell is wrong with Devon Storm. Put him into the hardcore division and you have the makings of a young Mick Foley in no time.
Daffney. I don't know about you all, but I like this girl. She's really cute and the Goth look is perfect. Her in-ring skills aren't bad either. With the right coach and some good competition, she could easily rise to the top of a Women's Division. WWF makeover. Don't change a thing! Just get her in the ring. Perhaps starting her as a valet for a guy like Al Snow might be a fair jump off point. AIIIIIIEEEEE!
Jindrack and O'Hare. I really like these two guys. Yeah, they are green, but they are HUGE and they have actual raw talent. WWF makeover: A simple gimmick is all we need here. I'd like to see them as a couple of locals who answer the challenge of a team like Lo-Down. Have Tiger Ali-Singh offer up a reward for anyone in the arena who can beat his team. Before anyone comes out from the back, these two big guys jump in and dispatch the jobbers, winning the prize and the eye of Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley who signs them to the tag team division. Imagine the battles these guys can have with the existing teams. Just imagine. Cool, eh?
Shannon Moore and Shane Helms. The two talented members of Three Count. They have run kind of dry lately in WCW. I don't mind the gimmick at all, but we don't get to see nearly enough of these guys. Besides, just when it seems that they are establishing themselves, some jarhead like Steiner or Nash beats them all up himself, thus sucking their heat. WWF makeover: Childhood friends of the Hardies coming in to visit and turning on them for notoriety. Here's another team that could really spice up the tag team division.
Billy Kidman. He should have gone with the Radicalz. Nuff said. WWF makeover: Throw him directly into the Light Heavyweight division. Have him win the belt and hold onto it for a good long time.
Leia Meow. This chick is hot and she can wrestle quite a bit. She was supposed to "shape up" the Jung Dragons, but it seems they lose just as much with her as a valet. WWF makeover: I was partial to the cheerleader gimmick, but I cannot seem to find a place for it to fit in WWF... I'd say you start her as a grunge chick valet for Raven and have her establish herself in the Women's Division in short order.
Norman Smiley. This guy is the second most invisible guy that is over with the fans (right behind Scott Hall). He pops the crowd just by walking through the archway yet WCW seems to want to bury him week after week. WWF makeover: I think the "Screamin' Norman Smiley" thing has run it's course. I'd say get this guy into the European Title picture and have him and Regal show us how it's done.
Vampiro. WCW drove this talent right out of the business and into the arms of those idiots, the ICP. If things were different, he could have really made an impact. Instead, he jobbed until his back was calloused from ring burn. WWF makeover: Again, he doesn't need a real gimmick here. I'd have him some in as a biker friend of the Undertaker. Have him mow over the undercard, perhaps through some sort of feud with a group like RTC. Put him in Intercontinental contention if he gets enough heat to warrant it.
Lt. Loco (Chavo Guerrero) . Young, fast, charismatic. So? What is he doing now? He's a caricature of a character from a comedy film made it the 70's. Swell. WWF makeover: Join Uncle Eddie in the Radicalz and let the games begin!
Well, that's it for now. I think I have made my point. Feel free to send me your own ideas. If I get enough, perhaps I will post a follow-up column.
You never know.
I am still Michaelangelo and will be for a while.
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