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Guest Columns

Mike Arnold




I haven't written a column in months, but inspiration comes from extreme joy and intense suffering. In this case, it's the latter.

Last winter, when I was scheduling my classes for spring quarter, I went ahead and scheduled a class that meets on Monday nights from 7-9 p.m., because at the time WCW was so abysmal I wasn't watching it, and I didn't figure I would want to anytime soon. And based on CRZ's recaps (yes, he's biased, and I wouldn't have it any other way), I haven't missed anything. But thanks to our ancestors who paid the ultimate price in battle to defend our freedoms, I had Monday night off this week. They didn't give their lives so I could be free to watch crappy wrestling shows, it just worked out that way.

As I was watching the first hour of Nitro this week for the first time in months, it suddenly struck me that with all the changes in WCW since Russo and Bischoff were put back in charge, the cast of WCW superstars now resembles the extensive cast of Springfield from "The Simpsons." For your consideration:

R and B Security is like Groundskeeper Willie. Remember the Halloween episode where Willie kept getting the axe in the back, and at the end he said, "Aw, I'm bad at this"? Well, that's what I figured the security guys must have been thinking as the dozen or so of them got beat down by three guys.

The anonymous commentator is Mr. Burns. Absolutley nobody likes him, and who knows what unsavory things he did to attain his position of prominence? If he got shot, nobody would admit to it, but everyone would be a suspect.

Which makes Tony Mr. Smithers for kissing his ass with comments like, "That was a good line mark." (that's lowercase on purpose.)

So I guess Hudson is therefore the Sideshow Mel of the group. He knows what he's doing, but he's really nothing more than a pathetic sidekick.

With all due respect to CRZ, I thought Konnan reminded me of Poochie more than Nash. Seeing Konnan again made me realize I was much happier when he was gone.

Torrie Wilson is like Maude Flanders. She's the hottie everyone likes, even though she never puts out.

Miss Elizabeth is Lisa Simpson. She's too good for the New Blood, but she obviously likes hanging out with them, because if she really wanted to get away it wouldn't be too hard.

Bischoff is Sideshow Bob. He's not exactly an idiot, just incompetent. His hair-brained schemes are often destined for failure.

Russo is Krusty the Klown. He used to rule the roost, but now his cartoonish antics are outdated and most uncool.

Vampiro is Homer. Even if he is good-hearted, he comes off as a dimwitted loser. I mean, driving up to the arena in a gasoline truck? I had flashes of Homer's grease-collecting scheme.

Kimberly reminds me a little bit of Helen Lovejoy, in that she's obsessed with herself and with what others think of her.

Ric Flair is Hans Moleman. He's on the old side, but when he's there, he's still one of the best parts of the show.

Kronic seems to match up with Lenny and Carl. They're sort of out of it most of the time, but they have their moments.

Lenny and Lodi are Itchy and Scratchy. They're never around anymore, but in their heyday, they were enough to carry the show by themselves. Man I miss those guys. Lenny and Lodi, I mean.

Hulk Hogan is (and it pains me to say this) Ralph Wiggum. He doesn't seem to get it. He's gotten a lot better, but "the red and yellow isn't dead"? Um, then why aren't you wearing it? Wait, I don't want to encourage you to wear the red and yellow again. Oh, too late. Never mind.

Kanyon and GI Bro are Dr. Marvin Monroe and Bleeding Gums Murphy. They could have been great stars. But they were cut down in their prime by the Powers That Be, killed off before they had a chance to realize their potential.

Shane Douglas is Reverend Lovejoy. All he ever does is talk, and he bores everyone to tears.

Miss Hancock is Marge. Let the hair down, hike up the skirt, and there's not a man alive who doesn't get turned on. Am I right people? What? Just me? Oh. Sorry.

And finally, whoever is in charge of ringing the bell is Cletus. I don't think that requires explanation.

I wanted to compare Beth Flair to someone, but all I could come up with was Linda McMahon. You know, the husband is the one with all the acting talent. Anyway, enjoy the show. The matter of which show to enjoy I will leave up to you.

Mike Arnold

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission