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Guest Columns

Patrick Barker



Yup. Me again. No opening notes right now, but I'll be back to edit this part to add some boring opening notes as they come to me. Oh yeah, here's one to start with:

1) I passed my driver's test. I am now a licensed driver in the state of New Jersey, so if you live here in Jersey, I'd suggest getting off the road for your own good.

2) I got a bunch of great little feedback for my last HITC double shot review. Three notes regarding said feedback:

2a) Check out Stone Kold Stevie's column NOW. The name is corny, yes, but he's a great writer.

2b) Fan count: fourteen and counting, daddio.

2c) Here is a passage from that last review, during the Godwinns/Headbangers match:

Is anyone even reading right now? Tell ya what- if you are reading right now, e-mail me and remind me to give you free plugs forever. And that goes for anyone who is dedicated enough to reading my PBP that they'd read into the fourth or fifth paragraph (whatever number this is). So if you have a website somewhere, I promise I'll plug it to all 11 of my fans next time.

One person actually e-mailed me to cash in on this. And what does he want me to plug? Three things (he has no website):

Name: Dustin Diaz
E-Mail Address:
And he wants to stress that "SCOTT KEITH DOES NOT KNOW WHAT A BRAINBUSTER IS"... don't ask me, folks... just carrying out my end of the bargain here.

Hog Wild 1996

For anyone who doesn't know, "Hog Wild" (later renamed "Road Wild" to avoid a lawsuit) was a real brain fart of an idea. See, they thought that letting thousands of bikers ride their Harleys on up to ringside and watch the wrestling was a good idea. Yeah, except bikers make terrible wrestling fans. Somebody forgot that.

Now available on video: 1996 Great American Bash! 1996 Bash at the Beach! Slamboree '96! Yup.

"Due to the previous intentions conveyed by the NWO (New World Order), WCW would like to emphasize that all views & opinions expressed by the NWO, do not reflect those of World Championship Wrestling, Inc. A Turner company", reads a black screen. Oh, for the love of God...

Video package revolving around... take a guess. No, no the main event... SOUTH DAKOTA! Whoo! See, the bikers and the "environment" are more important than the actual card. Your hosts are Dusty, Bobby, and Tony, all in biker gear. My Blatant Stupidity Count is at 3, and that's not even taking into consideration every word out of Dusty's mouth. Blatant Stupidity Count is at 4 already, as Tony says that the Hogan-Giant title match later is the most important world title match in wrestling history.

Opening Match: Rey Misterio Jr. vs. Ultimo Dragon (WCW Cruiserweight Title)

Whomp-ass! Bikers boo Dragon, because the only guy they know is Hogan. This should rule. Mike Tenay joins the announce team. Tenay explains the importance of the mask for the zillionth time. The men circle. Rey avoids a kick, and they tie up. Side headlock by Dragon into a headlock takedown, Rey grabs a headscissors, and Dragon kips up to neutral position. Tie-up, waistlock takedown by Dragon, Misterio slips out with an armbar, but Dragon comes up with an arm wringer. Rey somersaults out of the standing armbar and hits a quick armdrag. Both men back to neutral position.

Misterio trips up Dragon and puts a leglock on for a bit. Dragon trips Rey and snapmares him. Dragon follows with a quick crucifix variation for two. Misterio takes Dragon down and locks on a figure four variation. Dragon grabs a rear chinlock from that position and holds it. Dragon with a scoop and a slam, and he grabs the chinlock again, as we get a closeup of "Biker Sonny Onoo"... ewww. Crowd chants "USA". Sigh. We start at square one again. Dragon wants a test of strength, but he kicks Rey. Whip to the ropes, Dragon leapfrogs as Rey slides underneath, and Dragon nails a spinning heel kick.

Dragon with a whip and he tries a slam, but Rey comes down in back, waistlock is reversed, Dragon tries a rolling reverse cradle, and Misterio holds on. Misterio with a top rope quebrada onto his feet, and Dragon with one of his own. Misterio with a trip and a quick cover, but Dragon is right back up. Dragon tries the sweep-pin as well, but Misterio tosses him off. Both men somersault to their feet as about four of the tens of thousands of bikers clap. Both men circle, and Dragon takes over. Kick to the back, kick to the chest, back again, chest again, and a spin kick to the face to end the combo.

Dragon with a whip and a standing dropkick. Dragon with a whip to the buckle and he follows in with a cartwheel elbow. Dragon has him- running sit-down powerbomb! Dragon wastes a bunch of time and locks on a figure four leglock. Dragon gets a bunch of two counts before Rey grabs the ropes and rolls outside. Funny bit as Sonny Onoo says to the camera "American wrestling fan is so stupid." It's funny 'cause it's usually true. Rey back in and he runs at Dragon, but Dragon catches him in a tilt-a-whirl into an amalgamation of the airplane spin and the Torture Rack... there's probably a better name to use than that, but I don't know it. Dragon drops down, hurting Rey further.

Dragon tries a surfboard, but a leg comes loose and Rey falls on him for a two count. Dragon with a kick to the back, and one to the chest. Dragon with chops, and he whips Rey to the buckle. Handspring elbow misses, and Dragon backdrops Rey over the top, but Rey lands on the apron and nails a springboard dropkick to the back of Dragon's head. Dragon rolls outside. Rey with a baseball slide, sending him into the pit (the ring is on a platform; the platform is on "the pit", as I call it). Rey hits what looks to be a gorgeous springboard plancha, but the camera misses it. Boo. Back onto the platform, and back into the ring. Rey goes up top and leaps off into a rana!

Rey off the ropes, somersaults over the top and to the apron, Dragon charges, shoulderblock by Rey. Rey goes for a springboard something-or- other, but gets dropkicked for his efforts. Rey rolls outside, and here we get an AWESOME little sequence. Dragon does a fake attack. Dragon slides between the second and top ropes with a dropkick. Misterio recovers and swings, but Dragon skins-the-cat back into the inside, avoiding the Misterio punch, and Dragon follows right afterwards with a pescado. Back inside, and Dragon with a whip, reversed, Rey with a backdrop, and Dragon lands in back on his feet. Dragon nails a German suplex with a bridge for two. Dragon with a shoulderblock, and Dragon with a quebrada.

Dragon goes up top- moonsault! Cover, two, no! Dragon goes for another running powerbomb, but Misterio reverses with a rana (or "forward roll headscissors", if you're Tony). Misterio with a whip to the buckle, reversed, Dragon goes for a monkey flip, but Rey puts him up top. Rey punches away. Rey goes for a top rope rana, but Dragon holds on and Rey lands on his feet. Rey then runs back up and nails it this time. Top rope rana nailed! One, two, three! *** 1/2 Good opener.

Now they talk about motorcycles! Shoot me! I mean, KILL THE LUCHADORES! LOVE THE HARLEYS!

Match Two: Scott Norton vs. Ice Train

FIRE VS. ICE! Please, can we see some more footage of Harleys?

They slap each other! And punch! A LOT! YES!!! This is dreadfully bad, folks. Fire and Ice add kicks and headbutts, respectively, to their repertoire. Yippee. Seriously, there is NOTHING here but punching, chopping, kicking, and headbutting. Norton works on the bad left arm with punches. Train FINALLY hits a move, a scoop slam, but Norton takes right back over. More punching and kicking, and Norton "works" on the arm. Train hits a powerslam for two. Train with two clotheslines, but Norton with an arm wringer and a single arm DDT. Norton with an armbar, and Randy Anderson stops the match. -**** Awful match, the kind you'd see in a nightmare.

Pre-taped Flair mellow interview. Bleh.

Match Three: Madusa vs. Bull Nakano (Battle of the Bikes)

Winner gets to smash the loser's motorcycle. Crowd wants to see the Japanese bike smashed, duh. Nakano attacks with numchucks. Whip to the ropes, numchuck shot to the gut. Nakano celebrates as Madusa fights back with punches. Nakano re-gains the advantage with a sick hair toss. And another. Nakano chokes Madusa, and tosses her down. Arrogant cover gets a one-count. Nakano with a clothesline, followed with a scoop slam. Cover, one, Madusa bridges out. Madusa follows with three clothesline/bulldog combo-type moves for a two count. Nakano with a double leg trip and a kick-ass submission I've never seen: a Sharpshooter/sort of horizontal abdominal stretch combo.

Nakano lets go and picks Madusa up for a suplex, but lays her across the top rope and DDT's her off for two. Snapmare and a rear chinlock. Crowd chants "Harley" and revs their motors. Nakano takes Madusa right back down. Madusa tries to kick back, but it's no use. Nakano with a whip, Madusa ducks a clothesline and fires off a rana. Cover, two, no. Madusa with a whip and a spin kick. Another whip and the spin kick is ducked, and Nakano nails a clothesline for two. Nakano with a waistlock, reversed, German suplex for two. Madusa with a waistlock, reversed, and Nakano with a back suplex and a bridge for two. Oddly, Nakano holds the bridge for another two count... I think that was supposed to be the ending. Yup, they repeat it, and STILL screw up the ending, which was the retarded "double pin and the person who does the move loses" spot. Sonny Onoo tries to smash Madusa's bike, but she smashes the Japanese bike and the crowd loves it. Ugh. *

Shots of the crowd. They're bikers, so YOU SHOULD CARE!

Match Four: Chris Benoit vs. Dean Malenko

Whomp-ass part deux! Ya know, this and the opener may just make up for matches two and three. Benoit is with Liz and Woman. Staredown to start, and Benoit with a double-leg takedown and he punches away. Dean reverses it and punches away. They brawl with kneelifts, punches, and chops, all of which are convincing due to the fact that they are stiff as hell. Malenko gets the upper-hand and kicks away. Dean headbutts Benoit to the corner, but Benoit fights back with a kick. Irish whip and a kneelift, with Malenko doing the somersault sell. Benoit picks Malenko up and rams him into the buckle. Benoit with a stomp and a punch to the face. Malenko backed into the corner, and he fights back.

Malenko with a kick, shoulderblock, and a Bionic Elbow. Malenko takes Benoit's head to the buckle. Malenko with repeated knees to the gut. Malenko cinches him up, and hits a nice hanging vertical suplex. Cover, two, no. Malenko picks Benoit up and gives him a hangman's neckbreaker in one fluent move, and follows with an elbowdrop. Cover, two, no. Malenko goes to the rear chinlock already. Benoit with an elbow, but Malenko takes over with an elbow of his own. Just as quickly though, Benoit with kicks to the gut, and a stomp. Benoit takes Malenko's head to the buckle, and chokes him on the top rope. Benoit pulls the top strand back, sending Malenko to the mat.

Benoit with a leg drop. Cover, foot on the rope. Benoit hooks the leg, two, no. Crowd is dead. Someone destroy a motorcycle! Hurry! Benoit with two chops. Irish whip, and Benoit with a stiff back elbow. Cover, two, no. Cover, two, no. Benoit and Malenko lock knuckles, another cover, two, no. Malenko bridges up and takes Benoit down, but Benoit flips Malenko over into a pinning predicament, two, no. Malenko rolls through, two, no. Benoit takes him over into a pin, two, no. Malenko rolls through, two, no. Benoit bridges up and they fight over a backslide. Malenko breaks free and somersaults, catching the arms of Benoit and bringing him down into a pin, but Benoit rolls back and flips over, two, no, as Malenko now bridges up.

Malenko with the backslide, two, no. Malenko with an Irish whip, drops down, Benoit over top, and Malenko nails a hiptoss and wraps his legs around the arm of Benoit. Benoit rolls back to relieve pressure and gets a two count in the process. Benoit pulls Dean up and drops him in almost a back suplex. Spot would've been really nice, but Malenko had to cooperate too much. Benoit with an elbowdrop. Cover, two, no. Benoit with a /SNAP SUPLEX for two. He gets it slashed 'cause he puts more effort into a snap suplex than anyone. Benoit with a whip and an abdominal stretch. Malenko fights out with an armdrag, but Benoit is still on top. Stomp to the head. Snapmare and a rear chinlock.

Benoit lets it go and they trade punches. Benoit to the ropes, Malenko drops down, Benoit over top, Malenko with a leapfrog, and we get a double cross bodyblock. Benoit up first and he stomps away. Benoit with a whip to the buckle, Malenko hops over top and to the apron and the Benoit charge misses. Malenko up top, Benoit blocks the double axehandle, and Benoit with a kick and a /SNAP SUPLEX. Benoit now up top- swandive headbutt! Cover, two, NO! Benoit scoops him up for a Tombstone, but Malenko reverses it and hits a Tombstone of his own. Cover, two, no. Malenko tries the cover three more times to no avail. Malenko takes Benoit to the corner. Irish whip is reversed, but a Benoit charge fails and Chris eats a boot. Malenko goes for the Cloverleaf, but Benoit with a small package, two, no.

Malenko with punches, and a cross bodyblock sends both outside. Both men down. Benoit up first with a kick, but plans backfire as Malenko takes him to the ringpost. Back inside and Malenko goes up top, but Benoit over- superplex! Both men down. Benoit up first. Kick, and a hard scoop slam. Cover, two, no. Benoit with a waistlock, standing switch, Malenko with a /KICK ASS RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX... sweet as hell. Malenko with a cover, two, no. Malenko methodically goes for Benoit, so Benoit small packages him, two, no. Benoit with a stiff short-arm clothesline. Cover, two, no. Short arm clothesline #2 is ducked, and Malenko hits a clothesline of his own for two.

Malenko with an overhead belly-to-belly. Cover, two, no. Benoit with a shot to the ribs, and a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge, two, no. Benoit with a German suplex and bridge, two, no. Has anyone else ever noticed how Nick Patrick slips his non-counting hand under that of the guy being pinned after two to remind him to kick out? Benoit with a scoop and a slam. Walls of Benoit! Benoit lets it go as the announcers mention that time is running out. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, 'cause I turned the radio on in case Woman felt like shrieking a lot. Benoit takes Malenko outside with something I just missed while yapping.

Benoit with a pescado, but the crowd doesn't care. Back inside, and Benoit with a super sweet pinning combination for two. Benoit goes for a German, but Malenko comes down and rolls forward at once, cradling Benoit, two, no. They fight over a backslide, and Malenko gets it, two, no. Benoit with a whip and he goes for the knee to the gut, but Malenko reverses into an inside cradle, two, no. Benoit tries two covers for two two counts. Benoit with a powerbomb. Cover, two, no. I *think* they said there's a minute left. Scoop and a slam, and Benoit goes up top, but here comes Malenko- superplex! 30 seconds! Cover, two, no! Malenko with a forward roll into a cradle, two, no.

Crowd counts down as Malenko hits a powerbomb for two, and we have a time limit draw.

Now, I'm turning off my radio to make sure I hear what I've heard on this tape before is true. Hang on.

The crowd boos, because draws suck. Okay so far.

They announce a five-minute overtime period. Great.

The crowd HATES IT. The crowd boos.


What in the hell took Bischoff so long to realize this?

Staredown, Benoit with a punch and a back suplex. Cover, two, no. Irish whip and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Cover, two, no. Benoit locks Malenko's own Cloverleaf on him. Dean fights to the ropes, but Benoit pulls him back into the center of the ring. Benoit lets go eventually. Benoit kicks away. Malenko hits an enzuigiri (rest in peace, Owen). Contrived and better-left-unexplained spot knocks both men out. Benoit kicks Malenko's leg and locks on a leglock. One minute left as Benoit goes to work with buttdrops on the leg. Benoit with another leglock. 30 seconds left. 15. Benoit lets go. Malenko with a small package, two, nope, end of OT.

So they announce ANOTHER 5 minute OT (yes!)... I thought there was gonna be a riot. In a funny spot, Heenan tries to explain the anger of the crowd, passing it off as disgust that Benoit should be the rightful winner, and stutters a lot while trying to make the excuse, and Tony flat out tells him he's making no sense. Malenko's whip is reversed, and Benoit with a high back bodydrop. Malenko comes right back with a dragon screw leg whip. Malenko with an elbowdrop to the leg. Malenko clothesline is ducked, and Benoit hits the Dragon Suplex (his finisher at the time) with a bridge, two, NO! Reversal spot leads to Benoit sitting down on a Malenko rollup attempt, two, no.

Irish whip and Benoit goes for a dropkick, but Malenko holds the top rope. Malenko grabs the Cloverleaf as Woman tries to interfere. Malenko grabs Woman as the crowd comes to life, and Benoit rolls Malenko up, two, three.

Terrible ending to a bitchin' match, even if this crowd sucks ass. ****

And BTW, these guys went 30 minutes OUTSIDE, IN AUGUST. 'Nuff said.

Match Five: The Steiner Brothers vs. Harlem Heat (WCW Tag Team Titles)

This is match 235124 of the series. Heat are the champs at this time, and they are with Col. Parker and Sister Sherri. Harlem Heat draws mad heat from the crowd of bikers. The crowd collectively rev their bikes a bunch as Tony proclaims that "this is what it's all about", 'cause he's a FUCKING IDIOT. Booker starts with Scott, shoving him. Booker yells at the crowd some more, and Scott pounds away on him. Irish whip, reversed, and Scott nails a double underhook powerbomb. Stevie Ray in, and he gets a kick and a snap suplex. Rick with a Steinerline, sending Booker T outside, and Heat regroups as the bikers go nuts.

Back inside, and we start again with Booker and Scott. Tie-up, side headlock by Scott, Booker pushes him to the ropes, shoulderblock by Scott. Scott off the ropes, Booker drops down, Scott over top, Booker with a leapfrog, Booker's hiptoss is blocked, so is Steiner's, and Booker with a gut shot to take advantage. Booker with an armwringer, but Scott ducks the side kick, and kicks Booker in the gut. Scott has him- Gorilla press! Booker taken to the buckle head-first. Scott with a ten punch count (the bikers manage to count along- good for them!) and a hiptoss, sending Booker regrouping to the outside. Rick kicks at Sherri to a good pop. Booker back in, and he tags Stevie Ray, plummeting the match to hell.

Staredown, Stevie with a shove, they mess up a collar-and-elbow tie-up (yes, they really did mess it up), and Stevie with an eye rake and forearms to the back. Stevie with a scoop and a slam. Stevie with stomps to the head and a forearm. Irish whip and Scott ducks a big kick and hits a Northern Lights Suplex, and makes the tag to Rick. Rick vs. Stevie... ugh. Rick with stomps and forearms. Rick with a rear chinlock, but that doesn't last long as Stevie is up. Rick with a whip to the buckle and he charges in, but eats a big boot. Irish whip, Rick ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Cover, two, no. Tag to Scott (yes!) and Scott headbutts the groin. Stevie with an eye rake and he tags Booker (double yes!).

Booker with a sidewalk slam. Two forearms and Scott is whipped to the buckle. Booker charges but eats a big boot, and Scott follows with a great side belly-to-belly suplex. Cover, two, no. Tag to Rick. Rick with punches to the head, but Booker with an eye poke. Booker cinches him up for a suplex, but Rick blocks it twice and hits a vertical suplex of his own. Cover, two, no. Rick with a whip, reversed, and Stevie clubs Rick from the apron. Tag to Stevie, and Stevie with a kick, Booker with a forearm. Stevie with an Irish whip, back elbow. Kneedrop, and he chokes him with the knee. Stevie with an elbowdrop. Cover, two, no. Stevie goes to the rear chinlock.

And holds the chinlock FOREVER. Rick fights up, so Stevie tags Booker. Whip to the ropes, Booker drops down, Steiner over top, Booker tries a leapfrog, but Rick catches him with a nice powerslam. Cover, two, no. Tag to Scott, who hits Booker with forearms. Scott with an Irish whip and a standing dropkick. Scott with a modified STF. Stevie in to break it. Tag to Rick. Rick with a crappy rear chinlock. Booker fights up with punches to the gut, but Rick forearms him. Irish whip is reversed and Stevie pulls down the top rope, and /RICK STEINER FINALLY DOES SOMETHING USEFUL , taking a sweet bump to the outside.

On the outside, Stevie hits a big boot and he takes Rick to the ring post. Back inside now, Booker with a kick, Irish whip, but Rick ducks the side kick, and Booker is tangled up in the ropes. Rick takes Booker to the outside. Booker right back and he tags Stevie. Stevie with forearms and a rear chinlock. Rick fights out after a LONG while, Rick to the ropes, Rick ducks a clothesline, but Stevie catches him with a big boot. Tag to Booker, who stomps away and covers, two, no. Booker grabs the rear chinlock now. LONG chinlock. Arm falls twice, and Rick fights back up. Rick with elbows, but Booker with a forearm. Booker takes him down and the elbowdrop misses, but Booker does the breakdance and nails the Harlem Sidekick.

Tag to Stevie. Backbreaker. Cover, two, no. Vertical suplex, and a nerve hold (boo). Scoop and a slam, and a tag to Booker. Booker goes to the second rope, elbowdrop misses. Hot tag to Scott. Punch, punch, clothesline, clothesline. Scott has Booker- Irish whip, overhead belly-to- belly! Cover, two, broken up by Stevie. Stevie and Rick fight outside, as Parker and Sherri are on the apron. Booker holds Scott, and Scott ducks, leaving Parker the face of Booker to hit with the powder. Sherri, however, does nail Scott with more powder, and Parker hits him with the cane. Booker covers, two, three. Match was surprisingly good. *** 1/4 The trash is a'flying from the crowd.

The following announcement has been paid for by the Oracles of Delphi.

To all of you clay lovin' freaks out there... we intend to prove your way of life wrong. And to the rest of the Delphi forums... you belong to us. And NOBODY knows who will be next... only us.

The preceding announcement has been paid for by the Oracles of Delphi.

Half of you have NO CLUE what that meant... deal with it.

And, wow, I take too long to write these things. That last message is now irrelevant. D'oh!

Okay, we're coming for the "Married but Love to Flirt" forum next!

The preceding blah blah Oracles blah.

Match Six: Ric Flair (with Woman and Elizabeth) vs. Eddy Guerrero (WCW US Title)

But first, ANOTHER Sturgis video package! You WILL like the bikes, God dammit! I'll make you!

Anyway, Flair vs. Guerrero: whomp-ass part THREE! Wow. I've tuned out the bikers with the radio, so it's all good. Tie-up to start, Guerrero backed into the corner, he reverses, and Eddy gives a clean break. Flair responds in kind with a loud "WHOO!". Tie-up, Eddy grabs a side headlock, Flair pushes him to the ropes, shoulderblock by Guerrero. Flair right up and he shoves Eddy, and Guerrero shoves him back, knocking him down. Same deal. Flair also loses a shoving match with the ref, so decides to move into a "slap in the face" contest, in which he also places last, getting knocked down by Eddy. Flair rolls outside to regroup.

Back in, tie-up, side headlock by Flair, Flair pushed to the ropes, Flair with a shoulderblock. Eddy drops down, Flair over top, Eddy with a leapfrog and then they mess up a spot so Eddie grabs a headlock. Flair tries to improv with a belly-to-back suplex, but Guerrero flips over and lands on his face. Sloppy, guys. Guerrero rolls outside. Flair brings him back in the hard way and takes him to the corner. Chop- whoo! Eddy with a punch, and he takes Flair to the corner. Chop, chop, chop- whoo, whoo, whoo! Eddy with a punch, but Flair takes back over, bringing Eddy into the corner. Chop- whoo! Eddy takes Flair down with a punch, and Flair begs off. Flair begs off long enough to roll outside and regroup again.

Flair back in and Eddy wants a test of strength, but Flair backs out. Tie- up, side headlock by Eddy. Eddy springboards off the second rope (while still holding the headlock) and nails Flair with a headlock takedown. Eddy holds the mat headlock and Flair rolls him up for a five-count (well, three pin attempts with two, two, and one counts, respectively). Both men up, headlock in tact. Flair shoves Eddy off and starts to strut, only to have Eddy kip-up behind his back. They brawl in the corner with Eddy taking advantage. Eddy with the cross-corner whip and he follows with the high back bodydrop. Flair begs off as the lights go out, leaving only what is left of the sunlight. Flair continues to beg off and pokes Eddy in the eye. I LOVE that spot.

Chop- whoo! Lights back on... maybe that's just the sun? Punch by Flair. Flair spends another 60-90 seconds doing NOTHING but punching and chopping. Boy, if the old fable were true, the broomstick would be carrying Flair here. Eddy fights back with different varieties of the punch (including the popular ten punch count). Some chops too. Eddy with the whip- Flair flip! Flair onto the apron and Eddy dropkicks him to the outside. Flair back in. Irish whip by Eddy and a high back bodydrop. C'mon guys, you've done about three moves... no need to repeat them. Weak clothesline, and another sends Flair outside. Flair back in and he's begging off. Guerrero with more punches and chops, and we get the Flair Flop.

Flair takes over with an eye poke and a direct kick to the nuts. Flair with a whip, Eddy ducks a back elbow, and Eddy nails a cross bodyblock, two, no. Eddy with a clothesline. Cover, two, no. Eddy goes up top and hits a sunset flip. Flair won't go over, he tries to punch out, but Eddy avoids the punch. Flair grabs a side headlock, punched to the ropes, drop toehold by Eddy. Guerrero locks Flair's own figure four on him. Eddy gets some two counts, and Flair (after a LONG while) gets the ropes. Eddy grabs his hands and goes up top, walking the ropes ala the Undertaker, except he comes off with a rana into a pin, two, no. They go back to trading chops for a bit before Eddy hits a Tornado DDT. Cover, two, no.

Flair begs off as Eddy struts. Eddy with a kick and a cross corner whip, but the charge misses. Flair with a snapmare and he goes up top, but he's Ric Flair, so we know how that turns out. Eddy tossed to the apron, but he shoulderblocks Flair. Eddy with a sunset flip, and he pulls Flair's trunks down. Flair tries to fight falling over by grabbing the top rope, but the ref kicks his arm off, because everybody knows you aren't legally allowed to break a hold by grabbing the ropes, duh. Eddy gets two. Flair with a chop, and Eddy follows with a Flair-like eye poke. Back to the headlock. Then, out of nowhere, Eddy releases the side headlock, goes upstairs and nails the Frog Splash, hurting his knee in the process.

Flair up first and he goes for a belly-to-back, but Eddy flips over, Eddy goes for the rolling reverse cradle, Flair holds on, and Flair runs him over with a clothesline. Flair gets the Figure Four, and Woman helps him with leverage, forcing a pinfall. ** Very disappointing. ** is good, but it's RIC F'N FLAIR VS. EDDY F'N GUERRERO. Good is disappointing.

On the home stretch now.


Quick interview with Jimmy Hart and the Giant.

Match Seven: Lex Luger and Sting vs. The Outsiders

Alrighty, here's a BRIEF synopsis. The month before, Hogan turned heel and joined Hall and Nash in forming the NWO, duh. So, um... that's pretty much the story. Told ya it'd be brief.

What the HELL is Sting wearing? Faces get about 45 seconds worth of non-stop pyro. Luger starts for the faces, Hall for the heels (after winning a grueling game of paper-rock-scissors that went overtime). Hall tosses his toothpick at Sting and ties up with Luger. Luger backs Sting into the corner, and after a delay, gives a break. Tie-up? No, Hall with an arm wringer and he twists the arm back-and-forth, putting it right back where it started, but Luger sells it anyway, God bless him. Hall goes to a hammerlock, and releases to hit a Northern Lights suplex variation. Hall mocks Luger, and they start at square one again.

Hall with an arm wringer and some shoulderblocks. Hall with a hammerlock, and he forces Luger down, slapping him to piss him off. Luger right back up. Hall over to chat with Nash and to waste time. We start over again. Tie-up, Hall with a knee to the gut. To the corner- right hand. Hall tries to hiptoss him out- nope. Second verse, same as the first. Luger reverses and hiptosses Hall. Luger with a kick to the gut and a running knee lift. Luger with a scoop- and a slam. Hall backs off and tags Nash in, and the match starts over again. Luger shakes his boobs without touching them, a trick that always annoyed me, not to mention the fact that the point of it always eluded me.

Nash looks past Luger to Sting, and then signals that he wants Sting tug in (ya have to spell that sorta thing out for Lexy). Luger obliges, and Sting and Nash have a staredown. Sting spits on Nash. They talk trash for a bit, and then Nash hits a big forearm. Sting goes down and Nash brags to Hall. Sting pops up and nails Nash with a right cross. Nash charges and Sting ducks the clothesline. Sting with a scoop, well, not quite. Nash hammers away at Sting. Sting goes down. Nash pushes Sting to the ropes, but Sting comes back. Flying forearm. Punch, punch, chop- duck that clothesline! More punching. More ducking. And there's a kick, just to confuse me. Sting with a whip, reversed, clothesline ducked, and Sting with a poke to the eye, and now he hits the scoop slam.

Sting punches Hall off the apron and goes back to work on Nash. To the corner. Sting with a whip, reversed, and Sting tries to leap up and over, but Nash catches him. Snake eyes on the buckle, and Hall clotheslines him from the apron. Tag to Hall, and he punches the crap out of Sting. Hall distracts the ref, allowing Nash to hit a clubbing forearm to the chest. Hall with the Discus Punch. Tag to Nash. Nash with knees to the gut, and Hall with some extra-curricular punches from the apron. Nash with an elbow, and this match is dragging badly. Another elbow. Short arm clothesline. Sting back into the Outsiders corner. Tag is made. Hall with an Irish whip, Sting ducks the clothesline, but Hall catches the cross bodyblock and nails a fallaway slam.

Cover (with feet on the ropes), two, no. Hall stomps away on the head of Sting, and mockingly kicks the head a few times. Hall takes Sting to the corner- Irish whip, followed by a big clothesline into the corner. Hall with a mocking pie-face! A mocking boot shove! A mocking slap! Another mocking boot shove! Diversified offense at it's finest! Hall with a front facelock, and he tags Nash. Nash with a punch to the exposed ribs. Nash with a boot choke in the corner. And another. Ref backs Nash off, allowing a Hall clothesline from the apron. Sting suddenly fights back with kicks and punches. Sting tries to get to his corner, but Nash grabs him in a front facelock, preventing the tag.

Nash takes Sting to the corner. Punch. Nash gets a running start... and I have no clue what that was, or, for that matter, what it was supposed to be. Nash with another punch. Irish whip is reversed, and Sting with a shoulderblock. They follow up with the "woozy guy falls while headbutting conveniently placed testicles" spot. FYI, that's the first time ANY recapper ANYWHERE has used the phrase "conveniently placed testicles". Both men down. Nash tags Hall, who prevents the hot tag. Sting taken to a neutral corner. Hall punches away. Cover, two, no. Hall takes him to the corner. Chop. Sting with a kick, but Hall with an eye rake. Hall with an Irish whip, and Nash is in with a big boot.

Nash tags back to Hall, who comes in looking for the Outsider's Edge, but Sting counters with a back bodydrop. Race to tag is on. Sting tags Luger. Luger hops over top and catches Hall (sorta). Irish whip reversed, Luger ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. Punch for Nash. Clothesline for Hall. Clothesline for Nash. Luger punches away on Hall in one corner, while Sting hits the Stinger Splash on Nash in another. Sting and Nash fight outside. Inside, Luger with an Irish whip and a pathetic powerslam. Meanwhile, Sting has locked on the Scorpion Deathlock outside. Luger racks Hall, but his foot hits Nick Patrick in the head. Luger goes for it again, but Patrick chop blocks him and counts a quick three, setting up his heel turn. The announcers argue whether or not it was intentional. Match was nothing, with a screwjob ending to go with it. *

Let's look at some more bikers! They still can't make me like Sturgis, nope, nosiree.

Married people that love to flirt are idiots, so say the Oracles.

Main Event: The Giant vs. Hollywood Hogan (WCW World Title)

Buffer does an intro to put over the bike rally, getting a bigger pop than ANY of the wrestlers thusfar. Hogan is very over. Boy, great way to play off of the initial heel heat that the NWO got. Put their evil heel leader against another heel in an environment where everyone loves him. Hogan stalls outside a bunch to start to avoid the Giant. Hogan walks out, but the ref stops counting and Hogan just decides to go back. Weird. Hogan dodges a double axehandle to start and punches away, but the Giant no-sells it and Hogan retreats to the outside. Back in, tie-up, side headlock by Hogan, pushed to the ropes, and the Giant hits a shoulderblock, ending what will likely be the most complex wrestling sequence of the match. Hogan to the outside again.

Hogan stalls more and heads back in. Tie-up, side headlock by Hogan, and the Giant counters with a belly-to-back suplex. Hogan rolls outside again. Ugh. Hogan stalls even more and heads back in. Hogan goads Giant to the corner, but hides in the ropes. Hogan tries to goad him over again, but Giant would prefer that Hogan come to him. They stall a LOT more. They do a two minute test-of-strength spot. Yuck. Giant takes over with some sort of standing armbar. Hogan plays to the crowd, evil heel that he is, and takes Giant down into an armbar variation of his own. Hogan keeps holding it and drops a leg on it for variety purposes. Wouldn't want the match to drag, or anything, right?

Hogan with the idiotic "hold the guy's arms back and drive the knee into his back" spot. I fast forward, and he KEEPS THE HOLD ON! Back to the armbar. Giant fights up, Hogan takes him down. Back to the armbar. Giant fights up and takes Hogan down. Headbutt. Headbutt again. And a third, sending Hogan to the outside again. Hogan drags Giant outside. Punches. Giant's head is taken to the steel pole. Hogan with three back rakes. Giant blocks the "head to the post" spot and rams Hogan into it (actually, Hogan TOTALLY missed it, but he sold it anyway). Back inside, and the Giant with a whip to the buckle and a boot to the chest. Whip to the buckle, kick to the gut. Giant with a whip, backbreaker. Cover, two, in the ropes.

Giant with a scoop and a slam, but the elbow drop misses. Hogan punches away, but Giant does an identical-to-Hogan no sell. Giant chops away. Irish whip and a big boot. Giant calling for the Chokeslam. We cut to a wider shot, which must mean that overbooking is coming. Hogan rolls outside as Hall gets tossed off the top and chokeslammed. Nash eats a big boot and a chokeslam. Hogan nails Giant with the belt. Cover, two, three. Huge pop from the biker crowd. -*** NWO celebrates afterwards, and Ed Leslie brings out a birthday cake for Hogan, wearing an NWO shirt. Hogan grabs the mic and rants for a bit. Leslie rants. Hogan and Leslie are friends, ya know. Oops, Hogan turned on him. NWO beatdown, belt spraypainted... duh.

Well you had two very good matches, but you had two TERRIBLE matches, a couple more bad matches, the worst fans on the planet, the insistence that those fans kick ass, the focus on those fans over the actual event, etc. I've always hated Hog/Road Wild... and this card did nothing to make me care. Not recommended.

I will close by plugging the following writers:

Josh Haggard. He really is quite good.
Tanvir Raquib. Somebody give the guy some props, he's very good at what he does.
Butch Rosser. Dedicated and good at what he does.
Marvellous Martin. I'm not a big fan of his writing, but, judging subjectively, I can see why a lot of people are.
Mr. T. I'm sure HE of all people doesn't need my plug, but here it is anyway.
And, oh, who else? Dale Blasingame usually puts out quality stuff, and I'll plug that Stone Kold Stevie fella once again.

That'll do just fine.

(Hey, you forgot somebody. Hint hint. - CRZ)

I'll be back soon with another recap. Probably.

Patrick Barker

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