Well, for those of you who don't remember or haven't seen one of these
before - Duds 'R' Us is a look at the worst of the worst...the true stinkers
of their time. In previous installments we have looked at New Jack/Mustafa,
the Giant/Hulk Hogan Halloween Havoc monster truck madness, and lots of
other things that are funny...in a train wreck kind of way. So without
further adieu, "let's get it on!" (Ooh, foreshadowing!)
-drumroll- The newest inductee...Roddy Piper/Buff Bagwell "Boxing Match" from Bash at the Beach 1999! Come on down!
A little history...Roddy Piper was the then vice president of WCW, under the evil rule of Ric Flair. Buff Bagwell was the least talented of the "young" brigade in the whole "Young vs. Old" feud, so of course, WCW decides to push him. He even scored a pin on Ric Flair. Meanwhile, Chris Benoit got to be within about three feet of it, so I guess he should consider himself lucky. Anyway, after Piper suggests this match, JJ Dillon brings out America's Judge Mills Lane to observe and lay down the law for this match. Got it?
Now, since I am a fan of courtroom drama (The Practice is the best show of TV, well...behind Thunder, of course.), I feel like I need to stand up for my man Mills here. With the influx of new judge shows in the wake of the monstrous success of Judge Judy, I think Mills' show is the second best - for one reason. If you have ever seen Judge Greg Mathis, you know what I am talking about. Mathis is a former convict who became a judge, and man oh man, he gets some winners in his courtroom. It is mesmerizing television to say the least. Mills is second, the new People's Court is third, Judge Joe Brown is next, and Divorce Court is last, simply because the judge (I won't even pretend to know her name) is soooooo awful.
With that out of the way, Michael Buffer has made his way to the ring. He assures us this matchup will be like no other. Blah blah. Man, the Pointer Sisters were right - he works hard for his money. Mills is out with his own music and video, and gives a sweet "thumbs up" to the viewing audience.
Piper is out with Flair in his corner, proceeding to punch the camera a few times, he's a crazy Scot, ya know.
And man, does Buff look queer tonight. He has on a dashing red gown, red trunks, freshly shaved legs, crazy black hat, and will you look at this - detailed airbrushing of George Michael on the back of his gown! "Faith" kicked ass George, don't let that whole rest stop thing hold you down, my brother! Buff has his gloves numbered "1" and "2," and has "Left" and "Right" written on them as well. Never claimed to be a genius, I guess. He is the stuff though!
Buff gets in the ring and says he was prepared for Piper having Flair in his corner, so he has something up his sleeve. He asks for Judge Judy to come out (to a big pop), but then sneaks in a "Bagwell." Look at this - it's Former WCW World Tag Team Champion - Judy Bagwell! She proceeds to trip on her way to the ring, but we'll ignore that.
Mills goes over the rules of the match...which turn out to be that he expects a clean fight. Notice he never said you couldn't finish the match with a wrestling move! That sly devil!
Tony informs us there are ten three-minute rounds. Great. Oh well, round one is underway!
Piper starts off with a left, and another, and a right-left combo. Buff's already getting pounded! What a great match! Bagwell tries a few fairy punches, but Piper has backed him in the corner and is waylaying him with combo punches. Not as bad as Gunn/Butterbean (Ooh, foreshadowing!), but this is getting ugly already. Bagwell comes back with some phantom punches, and actually nails a nice one. To say the crowd is going apeshit would be a bit of an exaggeration. Holy cow! Look at the pit stains on that guy in the crowd! Piper lands a right as Buff flops to the ground...there's your first knockdown. A clock shows us :45 seconds left. Piper connects with a rather stiff left that actually made me laugh. Round one ends with Piper grabbing Bagwell to rest...Judy dabs at Buff's forehead with a sponge - watch the makeup, mom! Flair is shown spraying an international mist of some sort on Piper's gloves.
I guess we will ignore that Round one only lasted just over two minutes. No we won't...Tony corrects himself and now a 2:00 clock is on the screen! Piper nails one punch, and gosh darnit, the substance is in the eyes of Buff Bagwell. I thought this match was supposed to be clean! Take charge, Mills! Bagwell is just getting pounded, and is down to one knee in the corner. Judy brings the sponge over to the corner, Lou Duva she isn't. Piper connects with a roundhouse...there's your second knockdown! Buff is up pointing to his eyes, while Mills tries to not look concerned. But wait a minute! Bagwell can see! Praise the Lord! Piper is down! And that ends Round two. The crowd is booing. They want some more action, damn it! What's that? This match sucks? I swear, the crowd's ripe for the picking here.
Piper attacks before the bell. JUDY BAGWELL IS IN AND BITING THE EAR OF RODDY PIPER. Man, I bet Mills Lane is glad he decided to do this. Now Judy has the water bucket and stuffs it on the head of Piper. That's no way for a former tag champion to present herself! Buff goes up and gets a blockbuster on Piper...and pins him?! Judy keeps Flair from breaking up the pin, which has to rate up there with dressing in drag for him. The match went (6:40). Flair is now RUNNING from Judy Bagwell.
Tony: "Don't mess with Momma!"
Now THAT was offensive. -**** for the whole stupidity of the thing.
Wait a minute! There's "Actor"/Wrestling Valet Gorgeous George! (With proper credit to Chris Jones) I don't know what that does for the last match, but it makes me feel all happy inside!
Hey! Looky there! It's Joey Styles doing a coin infomercial! MUHAHAHA! This is AWFUL. I was going to keep on going, but I HAVE to watch this. I'll be back later this week with a look at the best match of Wrestlemania XV, the Brawl for it All finals!
Send all comments, complaints, and ideas to email@example.com and I will catch y'all later.