You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns

Ian Challis




It's me, it's me, it's that guy with no N-A-M-E, dear lord that was L-A-M-E. Excuse me, I never was very good at intros-but at least I'm better than Jesse James! Oh You Didn't Know? Your Ass Better Realise It Ain't '98 Any More!

Right, enough pointless crap to fill the gap(argghh! Stop rhyming, you idiot!), my reason for this unusual late-week visit is a simple one? Who is the getaway car-driving, cop-calling, wrench-wielding coward that's in cahoots with Rikishi? Who could it possibly be? I doubt that we're gonna get a clear answer any time soon, so I'm gonna offer some options, some odds and some ideas as to who the Phat Man's been rubbing shoulders with.

This mystery guy's been doing a lot of work over the past couple of years. In June '99 he rammed poor ol' Kevin Nash with a Hummer, then screwed Steve Austin out of the ownership of the WWF by raising the briefcase in the Handicap KOTR Ladder Match. He also decided to take some further anger out on Stone Cold by dropping a cinderblock on his head come August '99, and was pegged for the spot behind the wheel at last year's Survivor Series-until Rikishi owned up. Now he's back to his own antics, again tormenting Steve Austin-and who the Hell is he? Let's look at the oprions...

There are several main suspects who have been mentioned a few times in conjunction with the case, so we'll get those out of the way first-then we'll move onto the FUN part! Suspect #1:

The Rock: Not really a suspect, but more of a number one man in the whole shebang. Of course, all the evidence points to Rock wanting Steve Austin out of the picture for a while, just like the evidence in the "Who drove the car?" case. And, indeed, it does appear that there isn't room at the top of the card for both big-time babyfaces. But Rikishi's "revelation" that Rock is the culprit, added to Austin's victimisation of the Brahma Bull, makes the Rock a long shot. I'd rule him out of heeldom...for now.
Odds: 100-1.

Vince MacMahon: Don't kid yourselves, folks-Vinie Mac's hiatus from Monday nights is temporary at best, and as soon as the opportunity arises he'll be back in there dealing out twenty-minute interviews like the good old days. Another little niggling clue would be the time of year-ever since the fated day in Montreal '97, November has been the time of MacMahon screwjobs galore. You honestly think that MacMahon is gonna bow out of his yearly custom? I don't see it happening. But once again the option is too obvious, too stale, and havin MacMahon as Austin's nemesis once more just isn't hot. And Vinnie knows it.
Odds: 75-1.

Shane MacMahon: Another guy who's indulged in screwing Austin over in the month of November, Shane has also been missing from WWF TV recently-pretty much since SummerSlam, with the exception of the barrage of Stunners he recieved at Unforgiven. But AGAIN, it's just too damn obvious. Shane as the Austin-hating bad guy? Hasn't that been done three or four times before? Isn't that just a tad stale? Yes, and Vince knows that stale ain't good.
Odds: 70-1.

Mick Foley: Throw this whole "Accomplice" thing in the mix right after Rikishi's admission and this here would be your prime suspect. Austin and Foley had some real nice tension building as Austin ran rampant through the ranks following his comeback, but that all evaporated when Rikishi stepped forward. Foley's "Face-But-A-Heel" antics with Austin were pretty priceless, if a little uncomfortable watching three-year babyface Foley get booed for no reason. But since the mystery was solved Foley's gone back to his goofy antics, and it seems way to unlikely that he would turn now. Still more likely than the above candidates, Foley seems to be bound for babyface shenanigans for a good while yet.
Odds: 50-1.

Shawn Michaels: He;s just a Sexy Boy...Could the Heartbreak Kid be the man with the wrench? Some people think so. And indeed it could work, and would be a killer programme...but something just doesn't click. Shawn's got motive enough, but his best years are behind him, and he couldn't work an extended programme in today's environment. It's a pretty well known fact that Shawn is gonna climb back in the ring for Vince one more time, possibly for a retirement tour. But the time frame-and common sense-would place that comeback around next year's WrestleMania, which emanates from Shawn's home state, the Houston Astrodome in texas. I don't think even the slow-burn writers of the WWF can drag this one out for that length of time.
Odds: 40-1.

Well, there are your main(stream) suspects-and the least-likely ones. Now let's move onto the more unheard whispers...

Chris Jericho: And why the Hell not? Those who follow me regularly know that I like Jericho, and I don't like seeing him in the position he's in today. Heel Jericho kicked ass to what he is today, and I think a return to that act could be just what the doctor ordered to rejuvenate his career and get him back on track. Hell, it's still not too late to see him be revealed as the ACTUAL driver at last year's Survivor Series. But as much as I wanna see it ain't gonna.
Odds: 100-1.

Kurt Angle: Now HERE you have a suspect. The new WWF Champion does have some direction-for now. But once his programme with Triple H raps up at Survivor Series, where next for the Olympian? Belt or no belt, he's gonna need a sparring partner. Angle's proven to be one of the most-if not the most-outstanding rookies EVER. What better way to keep his fire alight than put him in an angle with the number one guy in the fed? Some simple explaining can be done to put him in position. I think this is the guy to watch.

The Undertaker: Mark Callaway returned from a ten-month break in May-looking drastically different to when we last saw him. This was a new Taker, one with a decidely Stone Cold attitude. Taker's suddenly re-emerged on TV after another brief injury pit-stop, squashing undercard guys in mid-promo. He doesn't seem to have any direction, however, which does add weight to this argument. But I don't see this one working. For Taker to be the accomplice, they would have to do some serious character reworking, and I don't see that happening.
Odds: 50-1.

Steven Richards: I know that this is an odd choice, but look at Steven's meteoric rise to the top. Just four months ago, Steven was getting squashed by such megastars as Chaz, Funaki and Essa Rios on Metal and Heat. Now he's the leader of the hottest heel faction since the Nation. THAT'S progress. Steven has always been gold on the mic, whatever the character, and he's proved it time and again recently. But Right To Censor is like a huge weight on his shoulders, one that he needs to drop. Get rid of that and you've got yourself an unlikely candidate for a Stone Col ass-whuppin'. But as it is...
Odds: 75-1.

And NOW, some real outside bets...

Steve Blackman: If you wanna man used to swinging weapons, then this is your guy. Steve has been partying down in the Hardcore division as of late, but maybe...just maybe he saw a gap for stardom...and he took it with a mighty wrench swing! Nah.
Odds: 4000-1.

Bert: Rumour has it that a split with Ernie has recently turned Bert into a hardened fighting machine. Photo evidence has been compiled connecting him to several atrocities over the past few years-a shadow lawyer for OJ...Hitler's right hand man back in the 40s...hiring Vince Russo for WCW back in '99...yessir, Bert's quite a character. You can catch up with his crimes by mailing my friend CW at Tell 'em Ian sent ya. But as dangerous as he may be, I just don't think a Muppet could swing a wrench that hard.
Odds: 10,000-1.

Clarence Mason: Clarence has proven himself to be a skilled manipulator of the Human mind in the past-anyone who can out-talk Jim Cornette deserves a medal. And we know of his fondness for racial injustices, as seen when he captained the Nation's cause back in 1997. Clarence is a shrewd operator and no mistake. Why, he could be behind the whole thing! Father of Stacy's baby...the man with the cinder block...the Hummer driver...the Phantom Briefcase's ALL Clarence!
Odds: 2-1...or 767,482,146-1, if you have a rational brain.

So who do I think was giving Rikishi the bunkup? Glad you asked my friends. In my own opinion, the smart money would be on Olympic Hero Kurt Angle. It's simple...Rikishi gives Angle the dukes in his title match with the Rock...Angle returns the favour with Austin...and they set up Rocky as the fall guy! Angle retains his title against Hunter at Survivor Series when Steph FINALLY turns on her hubby. The following month, Austin wins his fifth (and final) World strap, leaving the window open for his heel turn and eventual loss to the Rock at WrestleMania 2001.

So there you have it-my complete rundown on the "Accomplice" mystery. Perry Mason would be damn proud. Of course, all that's just my Own Damned Opinion(sorry, Rick) (Dammit, that's MY line you're stealing! That's it, you're fired. - CRZ). So, if you wanna agree, disagree, or discuss any other li'l tidbits, gimme a shout at Until next time...SHOW ME LOVE!

Ian Challis

Mail the Author



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission