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Tape Review

Chris Jones




Before I get started, I'd like to thank those of you who've sent me feedback on my various works. I appreciate all your comments and I look forward to hearing more. So if you have a minute, drop me a line and tell me how much I suck. It keeps me level headed. Thanks... and enjoy!

Recently I was given the fantastic opportunity to borrow a video cassette from the impressive collection of one of my dearest friends. After hours of careful thought and deliberation, I narrowed my tape search down to two different, yet equally stimulating titles. The first of those tapes being "Churchill: A Look Back", the award-winning documentary about the historic life of Winston Churchill. The second was a more modern piece entitled "Come Get Some", a chronicle on the careers of several femme fatales from the World Wrestling Federation.

After weighing the options in my head, I decided I would look past the personal enrichment and education the Churchill piece would bring me, and instead choose the tape about the ladies of the WWF. Why, you ask? The simple truth is that by watching the WWF production and offering a review for you fine readers of [slash] wrestling, I can aid in your decision to purchase the tape for yourselves at a later date. A positive review may encourage some of you to buy the tape and view it firsthand, while a negative critique may help you decide that your money would be better spent elsewhere. As you read this review, bear in mind that my choice was based solely on my desire to offer assistance to the masses.

Well... that and I wanted to see some HOOTERS, baby! Melons, jugs, boobies, puppies, headlights, the dairy farm, nature's pillows! Woo Hoo! Yeah! Come get some? You better BELIEVE I'm gonna get me some! Fire it up! Let's DO this!

As the preceding paragraph may have suggested, this review will contain the thoughtless, sexist comments that went through my head as I watched this tape. And seeing as how I've pointed that out already, I don't need a flood of e-mail telling me about it. Any potentially offensive comments I may make are meant strictly as jokes, not an attempt to use this as an outlet to express my hatred of women or my views that they should be looked upon only as sex objects. Well... as far as YOU know! Bwahahahaha!

And with that, ON with the show!

An ad prior to the featured presentation depicts Nostradamus predicting the rise of the "third and most evil Anti-Christ", known to us as Vince McMahon. Apparently McMahon's rule shall bring about the end of mankind. Lovely. To close the ad, as Nos says he never saw that (McMahon) coming, a woman whacks him upside the head with a chair and says "Bet you never saw that coming either, you old bastard!" You know, I can sum up that entire piece in five words: that's one fucked up commercial.

We open with various shots of the WWF's ladies doing their things in and around the ring. And if you're wondering whether "doing their things" includes bouncing and jiggling, why yes! It does!

ROAD DOGG comments that while he doesn't feel the women have any business wrestling, they definitely have a place on the show and are likely responsible for some of the WWF's ratings. What a guy! THE BIG BOSS MAN is a man's man who likes to watch women walking around. Hey, so do I. So where ARE they? JERRY LAWLER says part of the big ratings and crowds can be attributed to men wanting to see the WWF's beautiful women. Not like he'd be biased or anything. And JIM CORNETTE comments that a great woman couldn't beat a good man at anything physical. Why do I have trouble believing that Cornette has experience with either great women OR physical activity? Oh well.

MIKEY COLE, our host, comments on the "great debate" over the merits of women in wrestling. And we kick things off with... hey, why's SHE on the tape?

A look at THE HOOCHIE FORMERLY KNOWN AS SABLE kickstarts this party. I guess they couldn't edit her out in time to meet the distribution date. Cole talks about Sable's career over various suggestive poses, including Sable in a wet t-shirt, Sable wearing nothing but a net over her breasts, Sable in a see-through top on the beach, and Sable naked except for some suds. Hey, I hope there's no KIDS seeing this video! Sable will surely be outraged! The Playboy shoot is mentioned. From Sable's own mouth, it's the fans who made her a sex symbol. But if all those fans are kids, why pose naked when they can't see it? Jeez, do her lawyers know about this tape? More shots of Sable's WWF career flash over the screen as Cole hypes her commitment to fitness. This would be much better if Cole would SHUT THE HELL UP. Footage from Survivor Series as Sable wins the Women's title is shown. Now we see nearly her entire match with Tori from WrestleMania. Hey, I've SEEN this! But for someone who claims to have had no wrestling training, Sable's doing pretty well for herself. Why, there's NICOLE BASS! I'll bet this is the only time we'll see HER on this tape. Haha! Sable wins the match and her segment ends as I start to miss seeing the Grind. No, wait... it passed.

JACQUELINE is up next. Jackie is doing an interview for the tape without make-up... and I'll be nice and simply suggest that she wear some next time. Footage of Jackie's WWF career flies by as Jackie narrates the history of her career. Her accent is really strong ("rasslin" is said numerous times), but at least it's not Cole. We see Jackie's WWF introduction by Marc Mero. "She's no Sable!" says Jim Ross. Well, duh. Jackie discusses Eric Bischoff and his problem with women involved in the business, but she showed him she could wrestle. Oooh, kinky! Clips of Jackie's match with Sable to crown a Women's champion are shown. Sable attempts a suplex as Mero grabs her leg, allowing Jackie to score the pin. What's a person with no wrestling training doing trying a SUPLEX?! Ahh, never mind. Jackie says everyone is friendly in the WWF and she hopes she can stick around for a while. The infamous footage from the bikini contest is shown! Woo Hoo! NIPPLES! Jackie starts to rag on Sable. "She ain't all that!" You go, girl! Now we see Jackie running along the beach. Baywatch it ain't... but I'm not complaining. Wait, I spoke too soon... Cole's narrating again. SHUT UP, COLE! Jackie continues to bounce... I mean run along the beach as the segment ends.

Now it's an exclusive look at CHYNA. Chyna doesn't consider herself one of the women, she thinks of herself as one of the boys. Not the best comment to start this off with. Chyna is interviewed post jaw surgery, while most of the clips shown are before it. She looks far better now, in my personal opinion. The Boss Man says Chyna is the toughest woman he's seen in wrestling in a long time. Road Dogg says he's friends with Chyna, they talk and spend time together... but none of the other women give Road Dogg the time of day. That's not how HE said it, of course, but it's the general idea. Chyna is pumping iron at Gold's Gym. She discusses her life as a bodybuilder. Trainer CHARLES GLASS says Chyna is his favorite out of all the athletes he trains. He says it's due to her endurance... but I'll bet looking at her breasts doesn't hurt either, huh Chuck? Chyna talks about how people used to think her look was too butch or ugly. She continues to work out as Cole continues to ruin things by running his mouth. Chyna's "affair" with MARK HENRY is chronicled. This was some great stuff. Who wasn't pulling for Mark on their date? Henry says there was a lot of truth to the angle, as he was attracted to Chyna due to her build and her strength. I start to wonder about Mark until I remember he was an Olympic weightlifter. Maybe they're into that. TRIPLE H discusses needing someone to watch his back and finding Chyna. He says nobody wanted her around, but he and Shawn Michaels didn't look at Chyna and see a woman. That's not nice! What he means is that he saw her as a great athlete who could kick someone's ass... but that's not what he SAID! Footage of Chyna's early WWF days are shown as Helmsley talks about how Chyna gained acceptance over time. GREGORY HINES is with Chyna at the gym! Holy crap, he's famous and stuff. He says to watch out ‘cause Chyna's coming. Whatever you say, Gregory. "Primo bodybuilder" FLEX WHEELER talks with Chyna about their braces. Chyna got hers off three weeks after this shoot, if you're curious. Wow, there's JAMES CAAN! He's REALLY famous! He kisses up to Chyna and then actually kisses her as he leaves. Knowing Chyna is cool in Hollywood, apparently. You go, Chyna! Bodybuilder PAUL DILLETT offers his services if Chyna ever needs help in the ring. Dillett has the BIGGEST DAMN ARMS I have EVER seen, which he compares with Chyna's. There's no contest. Four bodybuilders including CHRIS CORMIER sexually harass Chyna. Cormier removes his shirt and flexes with Chyna, then is laughed at by the others as Chyna walks off triumphantly despite Cormier's superior build. Chyna discusses trying to slim down and streamline her look. She says she "broke her jaw" and dropped 30 pounds because she was unable to eat. See girls, there's no need to diet! Reconstructive jaw surgery is where it's at! More footage of Chyna in the ring ends the segment.

Now it's time for DEBRA. Ms. McMichael is seated in a hot tub as she discusses always wanting to do a soap opera, and working for the WWF is like doing one. For some reason the Sultan's music plays to footage of her around ringside. JEFF JARRETT says he and Debra have a great look together. Yeah, without Jarrett, Debra's nothing! Put her in her place, Double J! Debra says there's no tension with the women. She feels special and the women are treated like stars. Jarrett discusses the role of women in wrestling. We take a look back at the events leading up to the striptease match at Rock Bottom, then Debra's elevation into top WWF talent as she stripped down for our enjoyment. There's the BLUE BLAZER to cover her up. I miss that guy. Debra says if it's over the line for her as a person, she won't do it in the ring. Pictures of a young Debra are shown. I'd speculate as to the year they were taken, but that wouldn't be nice. She's actually a brunette, if you couldn't tell. She discusses being a tomboy but changing her image when boys started to notice her. Good for her, some girls NEVER change... and then they hook up with other tomboys. But that's a whole other topic. Finally, some gratuitous T&A! Debra rises up from the hot tub, wearing a white bikini, and blows bubbles with one of those bubble wands. The camera follows the bubbles on occasion, but primarily focuses on Debra's OWN bubbles... if you smell what I'm cookin'. She may be old, but DAMN. I'm jealous of that bubble wand.

Debra fades out and we're taken to TERRI RUNNELS. Some early shots are shown, then we find Terri at restaurant doing a wine tasting. I thought she was a cigar afficionado. What's that from, the Slammy Awards? JEAN DANIEL, some pussy Frenchman, talks to Terri about wine while trying not to stare down her top. A techno beat plays as a strobe lights up Terri dancing like the wild child she is. Speaking from her sit-down interview, Terri thinks her heart is the most important part of her, but not many people get to see it. Well, just stand still and let me look for it, Terri. More strobe lights as Terri dances in a sweater with only one button connected. I'm sure you know which button. This would be extremely appealing if the image didn't flash on and off like that. Terri discusses PMS and that all her WWF characters are somewhat snobby, but that's not at all how she really is. She tastes wine with the Frenchman and talks about how a cleansing breath after each sip is good. She actually says "lift your chest with me" to the man, nearly giving him a heart attack as he continues to avoid looking directly at her cleavage. More strobe dancing. I think she flashes her ass, but I can't tell. Terri discusses how parents should control what their kids watch. Then there's more strobe dancing. Terri likes men who can be men without being men... whatever THAT means. Now Terri's stirring a bowl in the restaurant kitchen, where a French chef tells her to stir more forcefully as he blatantly watches her breasts shake. The poor guy probably doesn't see much play, so Terri does as requested even though she has to know what he's up to. She DOES have a good heart! From her sit-down interview, Terri motions to the phallic-shaped boom microphone and says "this is what I like". I'll BET it is, sweetheart! How about a little... no, wait... she meant speaking on the microphone as opposed to doing physical things in the ring. Damn! Just when it was getting good. Terri says she has so much fun being in front of the crowd that she doesn't see it as a job. A few more clips of her in the ring help us fade out.

Now it's a duel look at both TORI and IVORY. We start with Tori, going over her start as an obsessed fan. Tori is interviewed from up in the stands inside an empty arena that's set up for Raw. She's wearing a thin white t-shirt with no bra, and anyone NOT staring directly at her protruding nipples has to be blind, because even women and gay men can't help but notice ‘em. Did I mention her voice? God damn! She ought to be a phone sex operator. Now we switch to Ivory, showing her debut as a "gift" to Mark Henry. They dropped that angle pretty quick, huh? Ivory is interviewed at the same spot as Tori, though she's completely covered. She talks about how fun everything is in the WWF. Tori says... something. I don't know. Her nipples have me hypnotized. Ivory talks about how you have to get rid of fear and doubt before you go out to perform. Maybe that scarf is her version of a security blanket. Tori again.... ahhh. She discusses the other women of the WWF and their bodies, making this entire interview a male fantasy come true. Ivory says the WWF has the hottest women. Now Tori is doing yoga on the beach in an even THINNER white top. Tori is now officially the greatest thing on WWF TV. Ivory discusses working out as I cuss her for taking Tori off the screen. She says she uses the scarf to "attract and distract". She'll never come out without the scarf. Goody! Tori's nipples close things out.

Mikey Cole thanks us for joining him... like HE had anything to do with it! And to close out we get a "warm weather look" at the WWF beauties, meaning a view of them on the beach in various skimpy outfits. I'm guessing this is from their photo shoot. I'll try to catch the highlights.

Jackie dances around in a bikini. Terri is bent over in a thong, as Jackie mimics spanking her. Move your damn hand, Jackie! Now Terri dances around in a bikini. A bikini-clad Debra nearly slips off a landing over the water. Jackie and Terri are both topless, covering themselves with their hands. Tori has on a flannel shirt over some sort of lacy top. Ivory has on a button-down shirt that almost opens up too far. Tori stretches in her yoga top that's now WET. God bless Vince McMahon for hiring Tori, no matter WHAT Nostradamus says about him. Debra's in a thong. PMS poses together. Tori has on what appears to be grey Jockey shorts, and she pulls them down low enough to show a tattoo on her tailbone that (at a glance) resembles the one Perry Saturn has between his shoulder blades. Terri and Jackie are both topless again. Tori drums on her bare stomach with her fingernails. Debra strikes a pose. Tori wears the grey undies and half of a sweater that barely covers her. A few shots of Terri. Ivory tears at her top. Debra is barely covered with some sort of sweater. I thought Cole said it was warm weather! Tori quickly lifts up her half-sweater to flash the camera, covering her breast as she does. Tori is a goddess. Terri dances with a towel as we fade to black. Hmm, no Chyna in that closing montage.


So should you buy it or not? Hell, that's up to YOU! Make your own damn decisions! But I will run down the pros and cons, ‘cause that's just the kind of guy I am.

Pros: Tori! Even if you're not a fan of Tori or on the fence about her, much as I was, this tape will turn you around. If you ARE a fan of Tori, this tape will be for you what Live Bait is for Chastity fans. She's THAT hot. The Chyna segment was very interesting, especially her interaction with the famous people. Debra's segment was also good, and the childhood and teenage pictures were a nice touch. Terri Runnels, in the words of Austin Powers, is one sexy bitch. And, of course, numerous images of all of the women in skimpy clothing. Not to mention the replay of Jackie's nipple exposure from the bikini contest.

Cons: Not ENOUGH Tori. And where was Ryan Shamrock? She's been around longer than Ivory, hasn't she? Not counting her recent dismissal, of course. Segments like Sable's focused on things we already know and showed us things we've already seen. More details on their lives before wrestling would have interesting. As I said, only the Chyna and Debra segments were particularly interesting. Why did Terri get into wrestling? What did Ivory think about GLOW? There's lots of things they could have gone into. And I really could have done without Michael Cole, but that's a personal preference.

To sum up... it was an interesting tape. It could have been both informative AND appealing to the T&A crowd, but it traded off in parts. Debra's segment reminded me of a Playmate Profile... not that I've ever seen one or anything. But we learned about her while seeing her in action, then she showed off her assets to some music. That mix works for both crowds, but Debra's is the only section that it was used in. But having to keep it under an hour probably limited what the WWF's production team could do with the show.

Well, there you have it! Join me next time when we'll take a look at "Girls of Hawaiian Tropic" or maybe a review of the soon-to-air Nitro Girls PPV special. Or... I suppose I could do something about WRESTLING next time. Suck all the fun out, why don'tcha. Jeez!

Chris Jones
Almost ready for prime time

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