WWF DIVAS: POSTCARD FROM THE CARIBBEAN
You know, it's funny. I've been recapping WCW pay-per-view events here on [slash] for over a year now and, when I'm engaged in various forms of correspondence with readers or others, I don't often hear "looking forward to reading your next recap, Chris" or "I'm really interested to see what you have to say this month, Chris". Oh sure, I hear it now and then... but not all that often.
Compare that to my saying a month or so ago that I'd be getting the upcoming WWF Divas video and that I'd do a recap of that. "Hey Chris, got that video yet?" "Chris, when's that divas recap coming out? "Chris, want me to try getting you a back-up copy in case yours is slow getting to you?" It's all anybody asks about! With this in mind, I've come to a conclusion:
SEX SELLS, baby! Woo-hoo!
Yes indeed, my name is Chris Jones and it's time for another trip down Breast Implant Boulevard... hang that right on Tight Booty Drive... and we're checking ourselves directly into the T&A recap hotel! Today we'll be taking a look at the WWF's newest chick video "WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean".
You know, I saw that the video the WWF released of their last UK show... which featured a half-second peak at the Kat's exposed breasts... had "contains nudity" clearly printed on the tape cover. This tape contains the "N" in the rating, but has no such nudity disclaimer. So either we're gettin' shafted with this one or the WWF has decided warnings don't matter if you're knowingly buyin' a tape full of half-naked chicks. Let's hope it's the latter!
Enough small talk! I want naked girls, dammit!
FBI Warning. If you're watching this tape in an unauthorized manner of some sort, you will BURN IN HELL! Don't say I didn't warn you.
This isn't the ONLY new video out from the WWF. If you've got money to burn and you're wondering "what others are there, Chris?", well... there's the Stone Cold "Lord of the Ring" video, which I understand is the Biography that A&E did on him... there's the DVDs for the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania... and the "TLC - Tables, Ladders, & Chairs" look at the wars between the Dudleys, Hardys, and Edge/Christian. All these videos are available now at fine retail locations everywhere! And tell ‘em Chris sent ya!
A truth.com ad? Man, whatever. Hey kids, don't forget to buy a magazine and tear out the ads that you ALREADY PAID FOR.
Okay, here we go...
Wait, no. We get a 5 minute plug for Chyna's upcoming "workout video"... wink, wink. It looks more to me like the WWF's latest Playboy star doing some squats and lunges in really tight clothing. She hits the always great hands-on-naked-boobs pose while some fans talk about how fantastic she is. In some clips from the workout Chyna has on the SMALLEST SPORTS BRA EVER. I might have to get this video. Various wrestlers talk about her, Triple H declares her body the greatest thing ever... not like he'd be biased... and Chyna discusses the video with a few guys. In the "sure to be an upcoming joke in the Ross Report" portion, Chyna tries to get the Big Show motivated about following her routine. Good luck, Chyna!
There's the WWF opening ID spot. Then we fade into an almost porno-like opening.
"World Wrestling Federation Entertainment...
The Kat... Ivory... Terri... Trish... Tori...
WWF Divas: Postcard from the Caribbean."
And here we go! Our host is MARISSA MAZZOLA! WOO! Talk about 500 times better than Michael Cole. The divas headed down to the Dominican Republic for a Raw Magazine photo shoot... and luckily for us, WWF cameras followed them!
Here we are at the beach. Ivory's talking about girls stripping. Yes! Kat says something. There's Trish. Terri's nipples pop on out to say hi. The girls talk about what an honor it is to get a free trip to show off their boobies. I can't help noticing that I've seen most of this before in the videos the put up on wwfdivas.com several months ago. What gives?
We get more random clips of them all wearing little suits. Kat's in the pool. Tori gives us some goofy face that cracks Ivory up. We get some clips of the women from their various arena activities, including ALMOST getting Kitty's flash from Armageddon. Now it's back to island shots. Trish says she's gettin' naked... but then doesn't. Ivory strikes some poses against a wall. Trish is letting 'em hang out. Tori does the hands-on-naked-boobies pose! Terri runs along the beach... and the goods actually bounce. Now Terri's splashing herself with water. Ah, yes. Kat arches her back against a doorway while Marissa reads some lame voice copy about her.
THE KAT:Ahhh, some individual segments. We're going by order of increasing breast size, I guess. Kat's no wrestler, she's a CAT-fighter. Get it? We see clips of such catfights from WWF TV. Marissa discusses Kat's WWF history without mentioning JEFF JARRETT. Blasphemy! Now Kat's running along the beach. She strikes a few poses while holding a large piece of cloth above her head.
ARMAGEDDON: WOO! Armageddon match! Are they gonna show it? The girls splash around in the pool. Just try to ignore Moolah and Mae. Man alive, did BB have a massive rack. Kitty wins... okay now, let's see the big finish. Kat narrates over things from the beach. There goes the dress! Kat talks about her "I don't wear underwear" speech, even though you can see her thong in almost every... YES!!! THEY SHOWED IT!!! BOOBIES!!! That's easily one of the greatest PPV moments ever. Lawler's reaction is so great.
You know, her black hair is obviously a wig these days, but it looked much better back in December. Did she dye her hair at one point or has it always been a wig? Anyway, here's clips the pudding match from the next night, including Lillian Garcia taking a header into the pit.
Kat talks about her best asset being her eyes as we see her do a few hands-on-naked-boobies poses. Yeah, I'm sure her eyes are exactly what Lawler was after. Now she's in the water wearing a non see-through blue top. What's the point of that?
ROYAL RUMBLE 2000: Bikini contest! Oh LORD, they better not show Mae Young. Ivory shows it off. Terri wiggles it for us. JACKIE makes an appearance on the tape. BB shows 'em off. LUNA passes. And Kat narrates again as we see her bubble wrap bikini. Oh Christ, here's Mae. No... no... please... whew! They censored it.
Kat sits naked on the edge of a pool and gives us some butt crack action. There's more hands-on-naked-boobies poses. Kat says she likes poses like the hands-on-naked-boobies where you really can't see anything, but you get the illusion of it. Some random clips of her on the beach close us out.
Marissa wants to get into a catfight. I'd kill to see that. "If you get hungry mid-way through, you could always munch on a little chocolate pudding! What could be better than that?" I dunno, Marissa, how about eating... ahh, that one is WAY too easy. We move on...
IVORY: Ivory is in a studio talking with us. Her (dead) grandmother used to call her "my little snot", so whenever Ivory does her snotty character she thinks of her grandma. That's... kinda weird. We get clips of Ivory talking about BB's boobs, mocking Moolah, and ripping on Michael Cole. We move into some beach clips as Ivory REFUSES TO SHUT UP. She would be SO much hotter if she'd just keep her mouth shut. Then again, so would EVERY woman.
Some dude climbs at least 20 feet up a palm tree with his bare hands. Then he cuts into the tree and pulls out 5 baby woodpeckers. That's an interesting talent. We get a "no animals were harmed" disclaimer, just in case the PTC has PETA on speed-dial. Ivory shows it off in various swimwear. I'll point out again that I've seen very little that wasn't covered in the wwfdivas.com videos.
They show us the clips of Ivory writing "SLUT" and "SKANK" on Tori. How old is this? Now we move into clips of their match from SummerSlam 99. Huh, just a year ago... I guess it's not all that old. Among the highlights, Ivory turns a giant swing into a sit-out powerbomb... purely by accident, I'm sure. Ivory makes excuses as to why the women's matches usually suck as we get clips of her hardcore match with Tori that most certainly did NOT suck. We see Ivory getting her head in the toilet, Tori eating soap, and the finish with a broken mirror and an iron. They don't show, however, Tori's tampon hurling and the funny "what are those?" lines from the King and JR.
Now it's clips of Ivory from the photo shoot. WET T-SHIRT! I haven't seen that before. Now Ivory's bending over in a little tiny bikini top to let gravity do it's thing. Lord, she looks RIPPED when she stands like that.
Back to Marissa, who shills Tori.
TORI: We immediately get a big cleavage shot of Tori in an orange jacket with nothing under it. We ALMOST get a nipple peak as they move on to more shots of her posing in swimwear. WET T-SHIRT! TORI'S NIPPLES! If I hadn't already seen both pictures and videos of that, it'd be really cool and well worth the price of the tape.
Footage of Tori turning on Kane is shown... and now here's Kane's revenge. SPIKE that tombstone! We see Tori putting Buh-Buh Ray Dudley through a table. Now Tori is sitting in the studio discussing yoga. We see some yoga poses from the beach, then several close-ups of Tori in a little bikini as Marissa credits yoga for Tori's physique. Suuure.
Tori gets bodypainted in another year-old segment. I'm not much of an artist, but if Tori was laying there naked, I'm pretty sure I could come up with something.
Now we're back to the beach. Tori's nipping out of her top. She wears a sheer stocking-like top, but has everything covered... dammit. Hands-on-naked-boobies! Tori credits Chyna for making a more muscular body acceptable with women as we see more random swimsuit shots.
Back to Marissa. Trish is next!
TRISH: We hear Trish's first WWF interview... it hardly sounds like her. She's gotten worlds better since then. Trish tells us what a WWF fan she's been as we see various arena shots of her.
The "Ivory Cam" finds Trish on the beach, posing on a bench while water drips on her. Now she's IN the water in a bikini. Now she's in a pool. I'm noticing a water theme here. Trish lays on her back on the edge of the pool and her boobs completely disappear. Don't even tell me them balloons are real.
As if the 13-18 male crowd wouldn't give their front teeth to screw her as it is, Trish tells us from her studio interview that she's a big fan of comics... mainly the way females are portrayed. Back to some footage. Trish hoses herself down! WET T-SHIRT!! NIPPLES!!! This, again, would be much better if I hadn't already seen it.
We see footage from Trish's war with the Dudleys. There's her underwear table teases. Now we cut to more shots from the beach. What, they won't show her going through the table? WOO! SHEER TOP! I see nipple!
More swimsuit shots play as Trish talks about being a "diva". Among the shots, Trish poses in a bikini while sitting in a leather saddle... I guess for the sole purpose of making me wish I had been born a cow.
Back to Marissa, who gives us the "she-devil" horns. Gee, who could be next?
TERRI: Terri talks on the beach in a tube top and... hey, here's a surprise... her nipples are jutting out of her top. When it comes to her best parts, Terri thinks people like her ass. She'd be right! But Terri thinks it's "too bubbly" and likes herself as a person the most. Yeah, whatever.
Plenty of swimsuit shots flash. Terri say's she's a natural redhead and remarks how well she can tan even though most redheads can't. I really can't picture hair like Lita's on Terri. We see more shots of nipples... I mean more shots of Terri talking on the beach. Terri whines about the photographer making her pose where there were sharp rocks. She gives us MEGA cleavage in one pose.
Some arena footage flies. She turns on the Hardy Boyz... there's Terri going through a table. They can show her get wood, but not Trish? Now she confronts the Kat and rips her shirt open during the build-up to WrestleMania.
WRESTLEMANIA: And here's the wildly disappointing catfight from said show. All we got out of this was Terri's ass at the end? It's a nice ass, but c'mon. At least at SummerSlam they'll be starting off in thongs. Mae Young french kisses Val Venis as Kat whips up on Terri. Terri gets the win... and they don't even SHOW the ass-exposing ending! What's the story?
Terri's back on the beach in various swimwear. I don't see why everyone gets on her for being too skinny or whatever. She's LITTLE. With her body size, she shouldn't weigh anymore than 103. Now Francine, she's waif-ish. Terri talks about her rather impressive 4 years as a regular WWF character. There's more nipples!
Back to Marissa. Some poor guy had to go through all these pictures to find magazine covers. Let's meet him!
COVER WORK: Here's said guy. He's trying to find a picture of the Kat that will work as the magazine cover. And he finds it! The crowd goes wild! They show us all 5 covers just to be fair.
Marissa closes us out. We get another shot of Tori doing a goofy face. Ivory is cracking up. Terri is like "damn, you bitches are lame".
And that's it! Wait, another truth.com ad?! How'd the WWF get mixed up with these people?
NOW we're done.
FINAL THOUGHT: Bah. I'm all for hot chicks and whatnot, but the replay of the Kat's Armageddon flashing aside, there's really little here that you can't get for free by looking at the previously mentioned Carribean section at wwfdivas.com. If you're like me and you don't have a decent connection speed, which you'll need because they're all streaming video, find a copy of Streambox VCR somewhere and just download ‘em. The WWF has since wised up and made some newer stuff somewhat rip-proof, but the old stuff still works.
If you're really a big fan of any or all of the 5 women, this tape might interest you as a collectable. But if you're looking for plenty of T&A or an interesting look at the women, this really ain't it. Don't get me wrong, the video has a good amount of booby and butt shots, but when you've already seen the footage it tends to lose it's luster.
The verdict: Save your money. Unless you haven't seen the website stuff and you don't care about shelling out the money, as that'll be faster than downloading 50 some videos. Whatever works for you, amigo.
That does it for this look at the WWF Divas tape! See you back for Fall Brawl.