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James Cobo



Vince McMahon: Genius Dumbass or Dumbass Dumbass?

So anyway, a while back I wrote this column which I actually got some good feedback for (which, if CRZ will be so kind as to provide a link, should be available by clicking somewhere in here) about who I would kill if I was in charge of such things in the WWF (I think it's currently Linda's job). I was supposed to do WCW in my second one, and ooooooooooh, how the venom would fly then. But, as they so frequently do, things happened. I went out to college here at USC (I'm here for film, not football). I discovered the greatness that is the Japanese Junior scene (ah, sweet, sweet MPro) and the indy scene (ain't nothin' wrong wit' some OMEGA). In short, I came out here, and in addition to learning a lot about a bunch of stuff in general, I learned a lot of stuff about wrestling in general, not that you care.

I also learned how to lie. Ain't nothin' going to be about no WCW proscription list in this issue (maybe later). Like almost every other column put out on this very day, the Boxing Day to Wrestlemania's Christmas, I've got some stuff to say about WM. Like everyone else, as soon as I saw the results on [slash]'s Q'N'D, (Poor College Students like myself don't buy pay-per-views, especially when NOBODY ELSE ON THE FUCKING CAMPUS WATCHES IT) my jaw hit the floor. It hit the floor again when the page reloaded. I just couldn't believe it:

A heel walked out of Wrestlemania the champ.

Think about that. The biggest show of the year, the last possible chance for Mick "Screw you, Dude Love was the best" Foley to win the Big Belt at WM, and the last chance to conceivably eradicate the words "McMahon-Helmsley Error" from being heard every two seconds on RAW. I started getting scared, thinking that Vince had Starrcaded himself, and that this would be the cornerstone in the revolution that would end up with WCW getting double digit ratings and the 'net calling RAW stale. I was sure that the most important people in the wrestling business, the marks, were going to shit on this show, no matter how much the workrate freaks loved it. I broke into a cold sweat thinking about the smug messages that would erupt all over the Big 3 newsboard (zing!). And Ijust sat there dumbfounded thinking that this time, Foley had to be gone, and he was gone forever.

Now I'm ecstatic.

Think about it. Vince set in motion about three years worth of angles. People may have bitched and moaned about how the only singles match on the card was a total fucking joke, but they've just come onto a fucking ton of angles for people who were formerly directionless. Tazz, wasting away for three months in programs with the Big Bossman and his ilk, finally gets a badass who he can really work with. I'll be the first to say that it doesn't help his "Hardcore as Fuck" image to be put down with a candy dish, but hey, I think he'll be a better champ than Crash, who now has the ability to move into the LHW scene. Oh, you say there's some "Hardcore Holly" guy in the way? Good! Let Tazz MURDER him tonight, but not with bags of popcorn and huge tampons or other abstruse objects. Concentrate more on the "no countout" part than the "no DQ" part; take him out back and tazzplex him onto the cement or whatever. See, the thing that people often forget about Hardcore Holly is that he's not that bad in the ring. So a feud with Tazz over the Hardcore title would be great; if he ever runs out of moves or anything, he can pick up a chair and sock the fuck out of him. And there's others waiting in the wings, for when Tazz moves out of Hardcore status and into IC status (probably at about [The] Summerslam [tm Bret Hart]): The Headbangers, Joey Abs (get thee to an OMEGA tape, and see how hard that bad boy can rock), Bull Buchanan, maybe even Crash again. I'd also think about putting Saturn in the race, just to further legitimize the belt. See? All set up at WM.

Even better, the midlevel belt situation got elevated big time. I've heard that the two-fall triple threat match wasn't spectacular, but now there's a hell of a lot of star power holding the belts. I say Jericho gives up the belt tonight to go after Benoyt, and that that feud carries us through the summer. Say until about (The) Summerslam (but again, more on that later). And Angle, after holding both belts for a few months, gives any opponent he faces instant credibility. That means that now he can be more effective when he fights the upcoming Scott Vick, Dupps, and Reckless Youth for the rookie belt. And in addition, he's got the street cred to go toe to toe with the big boys, since he held both belts and held his own with two soon-to-be main-eventers. See? All for the future. Everything goes in cycles.

From what I've heard, no complaints about the tag match. I give Edge about twenty days (hey, isn't Backlash in about twenty days?) before he and his brother split up after Chris costs them the tag belts, monster-heel-ifying hiself in the process, and inserting himself into the Benoit/Jericho feud. There's plenty of people who he could work great with; hell, I think he'd be a great match for Test, who should be out of his godawful T&A angle by, oh, I don't know, (The) Summerslam?

As for Das Hardyz and Dudleyz, I say that the Hardyz will get the straps in another match at Backlash, a (spin the wheel, pick a stip:) hell in the cell match, and then feud with the Duds all summer long until, that's right, you guessed it: (The) Summerslam.

You see, I think that the WWF realized that, storywise, they weren't going to have the best WM ever. They only had a month to throw together a card with as many people as possible after they accidentally put on a Wrestlemania at No Way Out. So what do I think they did? Realizing that there weren't any issues that had been boiling for long enough to really matter, they instead just decided to capitalize on people's heat and use the show as a setup for the summer. And they did it for purely financial reasons. See, in the summer, there's no football or NCAA tournament to contend with, and all those teenaged kids (you know, the ones that aren't part of the WWF's audience *wink*)don't have school to interfere with PPV buyrates (takes that valuable "school tomorrow" excuse away from those damn parents). I remember there being a significant drop in the ratings when school started last year. And as the final excuse, he's got a couple more months to build up some real feuds, so that we care more, and more of us buy the PPV. Be honest: how many of you would have bought the PPV if there was a LightHeavyWeight defense at this stage? Not too many of you. But if you give Deano a summer to build up a story with Ese (grr, damn misspelling) or TAKA~! or Funaki, or whoever, it'd be a different story. You'd get a great match either way with plenty of jumpin' and flippin', but you don't get a story one way. And the best place to put the period at the end of those stories is the WWF's number two pay-per-view: (The) Summerslam.

Yes, (The) Summerslam. There's a ton of history behind it, it gives him time to develop his stories fully, and it's one of the "Big Five". Oh, and if I remember, Rocky and Triple H had a BITCHIN' ladder match there two years ago. And Mick Foley won the title there last year. So they set the wheels in motion for (The) Summerslam: Tonight on Raw, HHH comes out and cripples (hereafter known as "Mummifying") the Rockster so that he can go do his movie thing. Meanwhile, towards the end of school, Shawn Michaels comes back to manage his group of TWAers. It's not until Smackdown in June (since they'll be moving to a new network soon, I'd bet that they give the 'Smack more importance - that way, they'll have one show that won't have any new station jitters, and that the fans are already accustomed) that someone gets around to relieving him of his commissionership.

Say hello to your new commissioner...Mick Foley. And boy, does he have a score to settle with Triple H.

He makes Triple H's career a living hell, just toying with him. But Rocky's busy until August, when he finally gets his match. And his title. Or he can just let HHH keep it for almost the whole year, and let Rocky win it, one on one, at the Astrodome, to the biggest wrestlemania of ALL FUCKING TIME. There's a ton of great stories waiting out there that will be oh so much more satisfying than Rocky winning a non-built-up match last night and having nowhere to go with it (except rematches, but YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT). My prediction? I don't think my picks are all that unreasonable. I'm guessing that VinMan's not stupid, and that he knows that with no story, it doesn't matter (see CW, W). I'd guess that if the card at (The) SummerSlam is anything like the not-unreasonable card I've proposed, then we've got one HELL of a (The) SummerSlam on the horizon. Legendary, even.

Still, it would have been nice to see Foley win it. And Terri and the Kat naked.


  • I'd like to tape the "Best of Nitro" tonight, but, you know, RAW. And That Seventies Show (Laura Prepon...she will be mine. Oh yes. She will be mine.). And Titus. And, you know, clipping toenails
  • Since it'll probably be a cold day in hell before I ever get around to doing another one of these, I'd just like to plead with Shane Helms and Shannon Moore to jump to the WWF toot-sweet. They're almost as good as the Hardyz in the air, and Shannon's even better on the ground.
  • Just because I can, I'd like to say that I think that the Chi-Town Rumble is the best match ever, not WrestleWar.
  • God DAMN it, but Headcheese is funny. I've never laughed that hard at anyone in the wrestling industry not named Rocky or Jason Sensation. I just wish Blackman had some damn talent...
  • And on that note, why don't the Hardyz hang out with HHH? Or Foley? They really need to cultivate the insane badass style.
  • Final Destination: AWESOME.


    Comments? Questions? Need someone to ridicule all of your beliefs? Write to me at and let me know. I'll be more than happy to reply. And anyone who writes gets (wait for it...) ALL UP IN MY AREA! HA! HA! HA-oh.

    And I'm spent.

    James Cobo

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