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Guest Columns

James Cobo



Special Mega Main Bonus Event: Shadowlongknife's Save The Rainforest Benefit Rant on Royal Rumble 2K, Mem-O-Rate (tm) Style

I. Intro

Folks, count Mem-O-Rate (tm) as a certified HIT ON WHEELS, because it got me MAIL~! Read it and weep, suckers:

The new column on CRZ f'n rocks my world, man...funny, FUNNY stuff... what's the next event for the MeM-O-Rate (tm) system? -Shadowlongknife

I replied that the next scheduled Mem-O-Rate bomb to be dropped on y'all is my Best PPV Ever: A Retrospectical Look At Canadia/en Stampede And AAA When Worlds Collide (still is). Because, y'know, PGIT (Puro Geek In Training) and whatnot. But, like any good patriotic American, Shadowlongknife wrote back that he had never seen those shows ( audience...must...disguise...secret...longing...for...acceptance...), and requested that I do a show that he had seen so as to create, y'know, dialogue between the PGITs and Non-PGITs. So here we go with my favorite e-vent of the Burgeoning Year of the WWF (burgeon, burgeon, burgeon... ah hell): the Royal Rumble 2K. For those of you just tuning into Mem-O-Ration, the scale works kinda like this:

*****: I'll watch it again as soon as I change my pants. And wash my hand.
****: Almost as good as kicking Turkeypuss Kevin in the nuts by surprise. Almost.
***: I would rather watch this match than have any hot pokers shoved up my ass (tm Scott Keith - Plagerism = RATINGS)
**: I've seen better on Metal
*: I've seen better Mabel vs. Yokozuna matches
DUD: I've seen better on WCW (*RIMSHOT* Thank you, thank you. Objective journalism is for suckers.)

P.S. - As a result of WCW's latest booking decision, I have decided that it's OPEN SEASON ON THEM, with it. I still like 3 Count, though.

II. Mem-O-Rate Madness

MATCH 1: Kurt Angle vs. Some Unknown Guy, Possibly Tazz, But Probably Not, Because Fulfilling Fan Expectation Bites
Like I said before, I was one of the most liberal kidz at my High School, so what with my whole dissident thang - sorry, I mean DIRTY PINKO COMMIE FAGGOT WAYS, it always gives me a vicarious kick to see a whole arenaload of folk booing Kurt "I woulda been a megaface in the 80s" Angle out of town. But that's just me. Y'know, I remember reading that Kurt Angle's opponent - a "closely guarded WWF secret", which is an oxymoron if I've ever heard one - could be anyone, from the Undertaker to Ken Shamrock. I leave it up to you, gentle reader, to evaluate how excited the prospect of seeing Ken Shamrock, much less the Undertaker Sucks, return to a WWF ring left me. But no, it was Tazz all along (complete with his badass music), proving that sometimes the best surprise is no surprise (retroactive WCW bashing: anyone wanna bet that if the WCW was in this same situation, that they'd bring out David Arquette? Well you'd be WRONG, because he's their CHAMPION! HAH! SMUGNESS~!). Anywho, since North Carolina really sucks ass, I'd never seen Tazz in action before this. Was I impressed? Yes. He really did give the impression of being a "one man crime spree" (I've seen my share since then), although he did a bit too much selling for my taste. And he had the first credible submission move I've seen in a long time (one that fulfills Rule #1 about finishing moves - it can come at any time, from anywhere). I liked it, and even seeing it on tape (Poor College PGITs like myself don't get to order Pay-Per-Views), it provided a decent markout moment.

Mem-O-Rate Score: ***1/2 (yes, fractions too) I like to mark out a lot, and it's always cool to see anyone for the first times (like most WWF fans with the R4dicalz *RIMSHOT*), so this did the job for me. The best moments, however, were YET TO COME, BAY-BAY!

MATCH 2: Table Match: Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz
Better moments come RIGHT HERE, GODDAMMIT! For those of you not keeping score at home, the Hardyz RULE, pulling ASS-BEATING FEATS out at a rate that satisfies my bloodlust quite nicely, sankyouverymuch. I'm three shades of OK with the Dudleys, too, especially since I hadn't seen them before WWFdom "ruined" them (kudos to you, ECDumbass Marks). In addition, DJC is a big fan of highspots, especially "death-for-my-amusement" ones that involve both flipping and breaking. Guess what happened? They did me right. There was flips 'n shit all OVER the fucking place for something like ten GODDAMN minutes, not to mention a ton of table spots, which pleases the "break stuff" mark in me. But I'll always remember the best damn "death-for-my-amusement" highspot I've seen in QUITE sometime when Jeff MOTHERFUCKING Hardy AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT SWANTON~!ed D-Von through a table that must have been, oh, let's be conservative and say fifteen feet. Keep in mind that I had both read what Jeff done did and seen the clip on RAW the next night. And I still had to do my Silent Jumping Around At 3:30 AM Markout Moment, because it was just FREAKING INCREDIBLE. It's almost sad (I'll explain the psychology of the match later) how awesome that moment was, because there were a buncha un-possible stuntz that ROCKED ASS in the rest of the match, too. Damn glory-hogging Jeff. Better enjoy him while you can, however; he's not likely to be among the living if he keeps this shit up.

Mem-O-Rate Score: *****. Oh, right, like it was going to get anything else? Now that I look back on it, it really did have a psychology to it, and not a "I-Hit-Your-Arm" psychology, either. It was like, both teams are some crazy mofos, and it'll just take something UTTERLY instupidlysane to keep 'em both down. It's a cop-out answer, but it's just different from all those alleged "spot-setup-repeat" matches I keep reading aboot with Sabu Et Al, because the personae of both teams has been built up as such. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE this match, and I'm pretty sure that I'll be giving it one of the votes for RSPW2K's (it's not dead yet, and I'm ranting on it too!) Match of the Year. Kudos all around.

MATCH 3: Royal Rumble Swimsuit Contest
Yes, this is THAT thing. I'll be honest, I fast forward through it every time it comes up. I mean, it's fairly obvious that I have the internet ('cause I'm not yelling this report from far, far away), so why should I subject my precious rods and cones to the sight of Mae Young's Horrible Breasts? Or Luna's, for that matter? So instead, I thought I'd think up a few NICE things to say about WCW, in light of the rather remarkable bashing that has been (rightfully) levelled upon them lately:
1. Hey, at least they aren't breaking into their matches for commercials any more! (only because it's pretty tricky to find a point in which to break into a match that's eleven seconds long.)
2. Since I didn't start watching wrestling until '98 (November '98, to be precise), I get to see Hulk Hogan give me an approximation of what it was like back in the early days of Stone Cold!
3. I get to see the talent of tomorrow's! (job to Hogan and Flair and Vicious and Sting et al.)
4. I get to see that cool nW- oh, sorry, I mean nEw BlOoD angle!
5. Save money now by watching Nitro and Thudner, and you have to order neither their PPVs nor their soon-to-be-released last-gasp-before-death Best Of show! It's like the AWA - but with ATTITU- damn, sorry, I mean EDg- no, not him either, um, but with BISCHO- fuck, he was there too! Howsaboot - but with VINCE RUSSO! Yeah, that'll do, pig! Oh, yeah, the match. Um...

Mem-O-Rate Score: DUD. Not quite the FUCKING DUD that was the Inferno "match", but pretty damned close. Quick math lesson for WWF bookers: Nudity - Terri Runnels or Kat + Mae Young = No Erection = No Ordering Replay. NEXT.

MATCH 4: Intercontinental Title Match: Chris "Markout" Jericho vs. Bob "Better Than I Let On" Holly vs. Chyna "Heat Sink" "No Last Name"
Er, um, right. Yeah, well, Jericho rules it in his lazy manner, which is still about NINE THOUSAND BENOITS BETTER of Chyna's best. Am I the only person who thinks that that quebrada looks totally stupid? Because it does. He needs to just go back to using it as a setup move, which creates an interesting paradox, b-cause his WHOMP-ASS LAZY BUT STILL COOL LINKED POWERBOMBS set up the Walls of Liontamer damn well. Anywho, Chyna wisely makes herself minimal in this shindig, leaving Chris "~!" Jericho to laze his way around with Bob "Competant" Holly. Match is OK, if boring, because Jericho hadn't yet gotten to a place where he needed heat like he needed air. That'll come after he turns heel, and as far as I'm concerned, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN TOO SOON. (I have no reason for putting these parentheses here, but they're like a trademark of mine [like the quebrada SHOULD be to Jericho], and I hadn't put one in yet. 'bout that local sports team?)

Mem-O-Rate Score: ***. Like I said, not bad, just...boring. All would soon be forgiven, however; Jericho would soon go onto his program with Kurt Angle Rules, which would lead to his program with Chris Benoit Rules (But Not On The Mic, Although He's Getting Better), which would lead to his soon-to-be program with the WWF title. All is right in the world.

MATCH 4: WWF Tag Team Title Match: The New Age Outlawas Grate On My Last Nerve vs. The Acolytes
Yeah. Anyway, since I don't care much about either team (but I will watch those deLECTable aPa sketches - they RULE), this is what you call a "fast forward" match - boring mixed with FUCKING boring. Fortunately, the WWF did my FF finger a favor (ALLITERATION~!) and kept it SHORT AS HELL. Thank you, god!

Mem-O-Rate Score: *. It didn't actively suck, but it was BORING, which is JUST AS BAD. At least it wasn't boring for very long.

MATCH 5: WWF Title Match: Triple H vs. Cactus Jack
We all know I wanted Dude Love (~!~!~!~!~!) to come back, but eh, this'll do. If I had to pick MOTY right now, based on what I've seen (which means no Big Japan Honma death matches, CMLL PPV matches, Wrestlemania matches or [wait for it... wait for it...] WCW matches *RIMSHOT*), it would be THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. I mean, this was just IN-GODDAMN-TENSE, with great p-sychology from both guys. I mean, they just hit the EXACT RIGHT MOVE at the EXACT RIGHT TIME. It was impressive. Words really do fail me on this one, folks; it just rocked REALLY HARD. So I guess I'll spend this time detailing exactly why I wanted Dude Love (~!~!~!~!~!) to come back for February. Y'see, there's plenty of hardcore intense people in the WWF, including HHH. But there isn't anybody near the top who's just a funloving imbecile. Can you imagine how great the match would have been between HHH and Dude Love (you know what goes here) if they'd had the backstory of Dude just annoying the shit out of HHH for a month? Foley's god, I mean good enough to work in a GREAT brawl (it's happened before - see Edge 1998, Over The) despite the inherent silliness of Dude Love. And Helmsley's CERTAINLY up to the task of keeping up with 'im; witness the LEVEL SEVEN BLADE JOB he did in this match. Besides, the fans were eating Foley up with a spoon in February; he could have come out as The Gobbledygooker for his last match and they woulda been cheering him on. Godspeed, Foley; I for one miss you already. There's only one cat who can sufficiantly bring peace to the war zone, and he retired.

Mem-O-Rate Score: *****. It's pretty FUCKING rare for a card to have two ***** matches on it at the same time, even with the personal slants of Mem-O-Ration. But make no mistake - this one was DAMN SURE WORTH IT. Here's how intense this brawl was: I knew that the Pedigree on the thumbtacks was coming. I knew EXACTLY when it was coming. But I'll be damned if my jaw didn't hit the floor.

MATCH 6: Oh Yeah, That Royal Rumble Thing.
Hoo baby, like there's anything that's going to be able to successfully come after that EXHAUSTING whompasser of a match. Since I'd never seen a RR before (like I said - Poor College PGITs get no PPVs), I was entertained by the whole thing, but not terribly impressed. By way of comparison, however, I got a comp tape a few weeks after I got this tape with the Rumble match from '92 (shameless plug: I got it from Mickey Alderson, who runs and all of its resplendant goodness), which BLEW ME THE SHIT AWAY. Of course, it didn't have to follow that AWESOME brawl, but hey - who keeps score anymore? Suckers, that's who. I did like the Rakishi Long-Ass Push That Ultimately Leads To Elimination; he stayed in the exact right amount of time, got to get jiggly with it, and gave the crowd exactly what they wanted, while planting the seeds for a heel turn for either him or Too Cool. I liked the Test push for similar reasons. What I did NOT like, however, was the way that they kept showing the TAKA-smooshing-the-shit-out-of-his-shoulder spot. It wasn't very cool to watch the first time, but at least you didn't have to see where he lands DIRECKALY on his shoulder. I mean, OW. I don't like eye trama most of all, but shoulder trauma's pretty fucking heinous. And it didn't help that no effort was made to rein in Jerry Lawler. I really feel bad for him, because I bet he felt like SHIT when he found out that TAKA really fucked hisself up hardcore as hell. Nossir, I don't like it. Still, can't say that I wasn't overall entertained. Good stuff.

Mem-O-Rate Score: ****. Well well well, seems that I have the last two matches ranked exactly the same as Scott Keith. He's copying me, I tell you. Anywho, this was a very good way to end a very good show, with everybody giving at least %75 of their total worth. I can't complain, dammit, I just can't complain.

OVERALL WORTH OF TAPE: FRIGGIN' GREAT. Like I said in the intro, this is the best show of the year as far as I'm concerned. It's really scary how many cylinders the WWF's been hitting on since Will 2K (the millenium, not the song) broke out. Three great shows in a row, not to mention a bun in the oven on Sunday. Will wonders never cease?

Oh, and because I couldn't fit it in anywhere else, since Shadowlongknife wrote me with praise (~!), he gets the show-closing quote:
can I add that the Treble H-Cactus match, although a well worked match, made the mark in me want to gouge out Vincent K's eyes with a sharp stick?

Yes; yes you can. And for the record, my stick-gouging moment came a month later. But that's for another Mem-O-Rate.

III. Things, Stuff, and Misc

  • Sooooooooooo, David Arquette's the WCW champ... I have nothing to say about this which hasn't already been said (not that that's ever stopped me before): it sucks, it may very well be the nail in the coffin, they now have no belt or credible challengers, etc. I mean, is there an upside? All I can see this doing is cutting away at the hardcore fanbase that makes up 1.9 of their ratings points. WCW, 1990ish - 2000ish. Watch for "WCW, We Hardly Knew Ye: A Eulogy by Digably Joyful James Cobo" coming soon to a near you!

  • Bret Hart still sucks. Wait, I mean - no, he still sucks. Hogan too.

  • As a side note, I read about the Super J Cup (~! - man, I'm just throwing those things around tonight, aren't I?) having Kidman, Juvi, and Kid Romeo. Well all I've got to say is Kidman's mouth ain't gonna be very pretty for long, because he's in the same group as Koji Kanemoto and Tatsuhito Takaiwa, two mofos known for kicking teeth out of heads not belonging to non-New Japan employee. Seeing as how Kidman's looming death will leave Torrie Wilson without in a position in WCW (a company presently dealing with its own looming death), I'd like to offer her a permanent position on my dick (and at this point I'd like to say a big ol' Southern "Howdy" to all my female readers - fuck feminine side, I saw Fight Club three times). Kid Romeo also has no chance in HELL of winning, despite how good he may be. My pick, therefore, is Dr. Wagner Jr. vs. Juvi, with Juvi going over Liger at least once to return the job (w/o Tequilla~?). Not that you care, of course.

  • Well, if you're mildly interested in wrestling, I'd reccomend the chatroom over at the Death Valley Driver Video Review page, which lately has become my eHome. Two nights ago, I ordered a Best of the Hollywood Blondes tape and helped temporarily blacklist the letter "n" (I still like my line "David Arquette wants to name his bastard kids "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN NNNNNNNNN ARQUETTE", so I'll pimp myself all I want). Last night, some people looked at pictures of naked female Japanes wrestlers while I and a bunch of others talked about old school videogames (which reminds me - big props to Tony Ling, not just for his excellent recap of "The Best of Starman" [longtimers will get that immediately; newbies will have to read the post], but also for the title of his column - "Tony Ling Watches Wrestling". Tony, if you're reading this, I'd honestly like to trade column titles with you for a while. It just seems right. I'll even deed you my closing paragraph if you want it, although I'll have to adapt it sorta. Get back to me.). All in all, good times were had by all. Fun f'n fun.

  • And since I've pimped almost everyone under the sun besides him, I'd just like to give a shoutout to CRZ. If he didn't have this corner of cyberspace, I'd have to post on the rant crew. And since Scott Keith's a terse dick to me in every email I've ever gotten from him, I don't think I'm ready to do that. So kudos, Fearless Leader.

  • Umm... I'm seeing the Slackers today (4/29)! They rock! Anyone else who knows about them... WALLOW IN JEALOUSY! AHAHAHAHAHand so on.

    IV. Obligatory Closing Paragraph

    Comments? Questions? Need someone to ridicule all of your beliefs? Write to me at "" and let me know. I'll be more than happy to reply. And anyone who writes gets (wait for it...) ALL UP IN MY AREA! HA! HA! HA-oh.

    Digably Yours,
    Digable James Cobo

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission