You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns

Shawn Colton




Welcome to the inside of my mind. Push aside some junk, look out for cobwebs, and sit a spell. Kinda quiet in here isn't it ? Let's turn on some music . Hey ,look over here, right next to my traumatizing prom pictures, it's my old Rock'n'Wrestling pillow case that my Dad bought me as a joke.

I wonder if there really IS a connection between Rock and Roll and Wrestling. Let's find out shall we. For this little exercise you'll need your Aptervision Kayfabe Goggles. If you don't own a pair you can find a them in specially marked boxes of " Fruitbooty " or " Slapnuts" cereals. Or, since you *are* in my mind, you can borrow a pair of mine. Okay here we go on our search for the Rock and Wrestling Connection.

Okay over here in the corner is a very dusty vinyl recording of the Michael Jackson monster hit "Thriller" and over here we have a Kane phone ( honest ) hooked to my modem. Let's make the Rock'n'Wrestling Connection !

Kane's alleged older brother is also in the wrestling business. Michael's older brothers are allegedly in the music business.

The King of Pop wears one glove. The Big Red Machine wears one glove.

Kane was set on fire in an Inferno match. Michael was set on fire in a Pepsi commercial.

Kane has the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. Michael likes his ....wait, I don't think I wanna go there.

Kane was horribly disfigured in a tragic accident. Michael was horribly disfigured intentionally .

Good deal. This is fun. Okay, let's see. Look over here in this video cabinet . It's Madonna 's " Documentary " Truth or Dare. Okay there's one of my two ( honest ) Undertaker throw blankets over on the couch. Let's make The Rock'n' Wrestling Connection !

The Undertaker made a huge impact upon entering the WWF. Madonna made a huge impact immediately after her first video was shown on MTV.

In Truth or Dare Madonna visits her Mother's grave. On Monday Night Raw The Undertaker is bodyslammed into his mother's coffin.

Madonna offended Christians everywhere by making broad sexual innuendo in a Catholic church in the video for "Like A Prayer". The Undertaker said screw innuendo and offended Christians everywhere by crucifying people on live television.

In Mick Foley's book " Have A Nice Day " Mick tells the story of how the Undertaker " bottle fed " Mankind after he had been knocked loopy inside Hell In A Cell. In " Truth or Dare " Madonna performs simulated fellatio on a bottle making a lot of lonely guys knock part of their anatomy loopy upon renting the video.

Not me of course.

Man, this is easy ! One more, one more ! You pick this time.

Garth Brooks and Bret Hart ? That ought to be a bit more tricky.

Okay ,Garth Brook is closely associated with the sports franchise the San Diego Padre's. Bret Hart is closely associated with the sports franchise the Calgary Hitmen.

Garth Brooks allegedly cheated on his wife Sandy and in a fit of guilt Garth called Sandy that night and told her of his transgression. Bret Hart allegedly cheated on his wife Julie and in a fit of glee Shawn Michaels called Julie and told her of Bret's transgression.

Garth Brooks' sister is a publicly recognized lesbian. Nothing wrong there. Bret's sister sleeps with a Bulldog. Now that's just sick.

Garth has made a lot of enemies in the recording industry due to his perfectionism, so many in fact that he probably doesn't even know most of them. Bret has made a lot of enemies in the wrestling business due to his perfectionism. Bret has no idea who Sean Shannon is. ; )

Hey where are you going ? Was it something I said ? It was only a joke !

Drop me a line at , or I'm gonna write EVEN WORSE columns in the future.

Until next time I am my inner child.

Shawn Colton

Mail the Author



Design copyright (C) 1999 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission