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Shawn Colton




February 15th,1988 -- a day that will live in personal infamy. It's was the day that this man became not just very interested in, but obsessed with professional wrestling. I blame it all on the editors of the Detroit Free Press for deciding to take my wrestling fandom and plaster it on the front page of that particular daily. Millions ...and Millions, woke up bleary eyed and pissed that they had to start another work week. They opened their newspaper and lo and behold it was ME that they saw.( Well, me and Bob Dole in one of his doomed presidential bids ) It's not a particularly good picture of me. I was grimacing like a monster while my little brother stood at my side with a totally demonic smile on his face, but who gives a flying jalapeno, I was on the front frickin' page of a major metropolitian newspaper. Hell, even today I don't mind that the sign I was brandishing had my artistic rendering of Hulk Hogan and Bam Bam Bigelow on it. I didn't get there by being a smart anyway.

Suddenly ,without warning I had used up my fiteen minutes of fame, or so I thought.

Now twelve years later, you should see my basement. It is veritable museum in progress of the sports entertainment version of wrestling. The Undertaker takes top honors for most memorabilia, not far behind him is my all time favorite Randy " Macho Man " Savage. Ten years ago it was Savage who would be the wrestler to prove me wrong. My fifteen minutes of fame were about to go into overtime.

Steve Kelly and Tim Murphy were the "wacky" morning show personalities at the local " hits" station for Mid-Michigan ,WIOG. I was working third shift at a full serve gas station off of the express way. One morning Kelly and Murphy asked for people to call in and tell them what they were mad-as-hell about. It was dead at the station so I called up, but it wasn't my voice they heard but that of Randy Savage.

" Well I'm had a real bad day yesterday'', Macho-Me said ." It all started when my pet spider monkey Chico bit Sensational Sherri while she was performing her rendition of the Dance Of The Seven Hot Curling Irons . I had to take her to the emergency room, but I don't think I need to tell you guys that I spanked that monkey . OoooYeah ! ". They were laughing hysterically. I did a call in everyday Monday thru Friday for three months and they actually replayed the things later in the morning as well. My Savage impersonation is uncanny, so much so that when I listened to the play backs, even I was kayfabed into thinking it was Randy talking.

My real name was kept under wraps until " Randy's " last appearance, which brought some surreal moments at work. People would come in laughing about what they had just heard on the radio. " Man ,have you heard that guy does Savage on WIOG ? " I had been asked more than once. I always replied " Ooo yeah ". They looked at me like was an idiot. They wouldn't have gotten an argument from me. I'm just glad nobody at Titan ever heard me. They seem to be a litigious lot.

As the years rolled on there were several incidents that would bridge my love for Pro Wrestling and Real Life which I will get to later this week ( barring tons of hate mail ). Here's a teaser though. The day Randy Savage taught me how to love a woman and how Goldust wound up making a pseudo appearance at my wedding will both be in the conclusion of My Life As A Mark. Join me won't you ?

Until then, I am my inner child

Shawn Colton

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission