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Shawn Colton




Greetings friends and lovers, it has come to my attention that the new revamped Nitro that will be presented on April 10th will in fact turn WCW on it's ear. The Muppets of Sesame Street will "invade" WCW in the same way the nWo did all those years ago. Here are some of the details. Be prepared for some shocking changes and some surprisingly entertaining television. I'll bring you each segment as I get them from my " reliable source " and promise that all will be known BEFORE April 10th. Enjoy !

Opening sequence: Mark Madden storms outside of the arena beet red and cursing in between bites of a turkey drumstick. " How dare they replace me ! With that ...that...(.chomp...slurp...URP !..)..thing ! ". He tries to get into his rented Geo but can't fit. He curses again, and removes his shirt and begins slathering himself with butter flavored Crisco. The crowd inside the arena can all be heard gasping in horror and vomiting as Madden's lubricated frame oozes in the car.

Cut to a short Nitro opening sequence.....Surprisingly the old logo is back , but the tag line has changed. WCW Monday Nitro...Where the Big Boys Come and Play, Everythings A-Okay !

We see Tony Schiavone sitting alone at the announce position.

TS: Fans we've just been informed that the new creative team has fired Mark Madden, and fans you won't believe who my new broadcast partner is !

The entrance ramp is shown as Pyro explodes, and " I Love Trash" blasts over the PA. Out comes what appears to be a garbage can with green furry feet propelling it towards the broadcast position. The fans POP, as we cut back to Bischoff and Russo nodding in approval. " Now this is good television", says Uncle Eric.

TS : This can't be happening. Yet it so clearly is.

The can gets behind the monitors, the lid pops off and out comes the greatest heel commentator of all time ,Oscar The Grouch.

Oscar : ( adjusting headset ) Hey Schiavone...Heh Heh Heh.

Tony : Ladies and Gentlemen Oscar the Grouch has loined me at the broadcast position.

Oscar : And with Russo's input the word " Broadcast " will take on a whole new meaning. Heh heh Heh.

Tony : I don't what to say !

Oscar : That's good. Having a speechless Tony Schiavone can only improve the product. That's why I'm here and I brought friends. Lots of friends. It's over for WCW as you know it. We're here to teach kids to spell, kick ass and chew bubble gum that we bought from Mr. Hoopers store. And we're fresh out of bubble gum AND Hooper's deader than the crowd during a Wall versus The Demon match.

Tony : Uh...okay. Let's get to our first match. It's Diamond Dallas Page versus Brian Knobbs in a hardcore match up.

( My notes skip over the ring introduction as it's standard fair, and go straight to the match , where only the booked portions are notated ) One interesting note Kimberley is at ring side wearing a Saran Wrap dress !

Oscar : Look at them knockers !

Tony looks shocked.

Oscar: Hey, I work for Russo now ! What did you expect ? After some give and take action Knobbs heads immediately towards the nearest foreign object he can find, Oscar's garbage can.

Oscar: If you touch this can, I will shove my fist so far up your ass you'll be picking green felt out of your teeth for a month.

Tony: My goodness ! Standards and Practices will be on WCW about that comment.

Oscar : Standards and Practices are too busy finding a workable gimmick, looking for Rats and pretending they're not gay. I liked Rave's signs though.They taught kids to read.

Tony : No, not the *wrestlers* Standards and Practices, the actual Standards and Practices.

Oscar : Well they can lick my my furry green ( BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP ).

DDP goes to the outside and rams Knobbs head into the announce table. Then rolls Knobbs back in the ring. The camera's show the entrance way and out comes the....

Tony : Oh my God !!!! It's the Cookie Monster!!!!!

Oscar: AND more importantly he has a secret weapon in that hefty bag.

Cookie Monster rolls his googly eyed ,blue furred self into the ring the and dumps a thousand or more cookies from the garbage bag onto the canvas. DDP looks shocked and more than a little afraid. Cookie has the house mic.

Cookie Monster: Me read book by Mick Foley, and Mr Knobbs paid Cookie Monster to bring many tasty cookies to the ring. He then offered Cookie Monster another huge bag of cookies for payment. Me did it all for the cookies...ah num num...the cokies ah num num so stick 'em in your yeah, sitck em' in your yeah.

The Cookie Monster rolls out of the ring as Page stands amazed.

.The self proclaimed master of bada-bing is mortified. Knobbs taking advantage of his distracterd foe and slams DDP into the cookies, shattering them into crumbs. Page begins to scream uncontrollably. Knobbs then produces saran wrap and tries to remove DDP's tights !

DDP : No....NO....NOT AGAIN !!!!!!! NO !!!!!!!! I'll kill you for this Foley !

DDP rolls out of the ring and sprints in horror to the back. The cameras follow and coming from the other direction and also screaming like a madman is Norman Smiley. He passes Arn Anderson who is leaning up against the wall with his arms folded looking on passively. Norman stops long enough to say " It's a huge....giant....talking ... yellow thing.Oh god. Here it comes. " Norman is off again.

Arn : ( To himself and the camera man ) What's so scary about Hulk Hogan ?

But Norman is already out of ear shot. Then Arn sees that it wasn't Hulk Hogan but another large yellow superstar. Big Bird.

Big Bird : Mr. Smiley ! Mr . Smiley ! I just wanted an autograph.

Big bird passes Arn.

Big Bird: Hi, Mr Anderson.

Arn : ( unphased ) Hey, bird.

Scott Hall staggers by Arn. " Hey yo, did you see that really Big Bird ? ".

Arn : Yeah, why ?

Scott Hall : Good then I ain't as drunk as I thought.

Arn : Point taken.

Cut back to the announcers.

Tony: This is what Russo and Bischoff have planned to bring Nitro back in the ratings war ? Muppets ?

Oscar : Yeah. Trust me Sesame Street's rating are far superior to Nitro's plus there's a whole new demographic to consider. Think of the promotional product tie-ins . Also we'll be bringing in Adult Film stars to appease Mr. Russo and more musical acts to appease Mr. Bischoff. Add that to the " Rosie O'Donnel cross over episodes and every demo is covered.

Tony: But that's all contradictory programming. You can't have kids seeing Porn Stars and Rosie O'Donnels fans aren't going to buy into the violence of wrestling. It doesn't make any sense.

Oscar : Since when does anything this company does make any sense.

Tony :Ummm....well. Up next we have the WCW tag team championship up for grabs when The Harris Brothers face.....get ready fans ....Bert and Ernie !

Cut to commercial.

Sorry fans but that's all the info I have so far. I'll be back with more in a couple days. Smell the ratings indeed !

Until then I am my inner child,
Shawn Colton

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Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission