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Shawn Colton




Originally I was going to title this column "I've Got A Boner" as a surefire hit getter, then explain it away as "a cutlery thing, baby, you wouldn't understand". Seeing as how this is [slash], however, and it ain't about hit counts or money here, I opted for the more appropriate title above. (Now, if Chris wanted to make me look like a loser he'd switch all of this around on me).

For those of you that don't know who I am, count your blessings. For those of you that do, yes, I actually am alive. The "internet wrestling community" had gotten a bit much for me, so I decided to step back a little. I handed the reigns of The Oracles Delphi forum over to Rob "Webmassa T" Harris, and just turned and walked away for awhile. The Oracles still rule and stuff but all that negativity in the time of celebrating alleged miracles isn't healthy. See how steeped in cynicism I've become? "Alleged" . Tsk.. tsk.. tsk.

I hate to pimp here, but you have to listen to The Edge, a weekly audio show over at Rantsylvania. That Hyatte fella is a hoot. Oh, you may do a little keening, a little wailing, and a little of gnashing of teeth, but it's all entertainment, baby. Now, if they'd let me on the show to do my uncanny wrestler impersonations...

I'm kidding. Sort of.

Since this is the internet, and one must be extra careful to qualify everything one types for public perusal, let me just say that I am also a big fan of GH and Joe. It never even occurred to me to compare them to Hyatte. I think they have completely different approaches to there respective Monday night wrestling show reports . Both are effective and (usually) extremely entertaining. Two thumbs up! Now if we can only get Irving Forbush and Sid's friend Seth to be running mates in the next presidential election...

I couldn't help but buy a particularly ironic piece of wrestling merchandise recently. How could I not buy a Kane Zippo Lighter? I used to think my Kane telephone was ironic, but now that the WWF has him doing color commentary I can't say that anymore. I'll file that under: things to blame on X-Pac.

Hey, I told you there was nothing substantive here before you ever clicked the link.

Want free Slim Jims? Not the kind you can break into your neighbor's car with, but the beefy spicy snap-inducing meat confections? Somebody sent Dave Meltzer or Bryan Alvarez (I forget which) an e-mail stating that they received a whole box of Slim Jims after mailing Goodmark Foods, Inc a complaint about the company's PTC pressured decision not to advertise on Smackdown. I happen to have a Randy Savage/ Gorgeous George Slim Jim tin right over here.... hang on a secundo... the address is simply Goodmark Foods, Inc. Raleigh NC, 27609.

There aren't any beer companies that advertise on Smackdown, either. I gotta get me a pen and pad and write some harsh correspondences when I get out of detox.

Actually, is there a Kane coffee mug? That'd be good for some laughs.

Yeah, I got a lot of wrestling related merchandise. Yes, I have kissed a woman. I know the two don't jibe but I'm not without my charms.

Okay, if I ever see another idiot baby face go off the ropes on the side where they *know* the heel's second is standing waiting to trip him or her up I'm gonna revert to the side of me that is almost more animal than it is human. And when the animal in me comes out, nothing, I mean nothing, is too violent. You know what the scariest thing about this side is? It's that I like it! I'll knock your teeth so far down your throat you'll chew your own ass out for pissing me off.

Sorry, I was just channeling the Undertaker for the amusement of the nTo.

I think Chyna could carry Billy Gunn to a decent match. Just make sure Billy doesn't get winded after selling 102,356 consecutive right forearm smashes and you'll be all set.

I'm not digging this Linda-Vince angle at all but I *am* gonna dig my car out of the snow so...

Until next time,

Shawn Colton

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