THE MONTH IN QUOTES: MARCH 2000
Well, another month has just ended, and until a few days ago, I thought that
this collection of CRZ's finest quotes would be up before tomorrow's
Wrestlemania, as a means of passing the time if you refuse to/can't watch
"All Day Long". As things stand, CRZ *may* have revoked his 'taking the
weekend off' stance, but if this doesn't appear before WM, I hope that we
had plenty of reasons to enjoy the show...
Opening credits go like this - dadum da dadum da dadum da daa (repeat) why
the HELL is Oklahoma in there - and so on
Rhodes has something to say. "Listen - all you drones out here need to
choose your heroes (the post-production helpfully airbrushes out a middle
finger at this point - golly, my sensitive eyes MUST be protected!)
"Earlier Today" footage shows Funk signing autographs for plants - I mean
As we cut to 3 COUNT in the ring, we hear an off-camera voice say the
strange word "Clear," and then laughter from the boys who don't mind
unwittingly exposing the business. You know, this company spends countless,
painstaking minutes blotting out offensive signs with such unfit words as
"gay" and "sucks," and video distorting flipped birds, but has NO problem
letting us here the "clear" cue with EVERY vignette. That's a free tip, WCW.
USE IT. Case in point - a sign right behind the ring saying "ROGER SUCKS"
gets video-distorted - first of all, why bother to video-distort when all
you do is CALL ATTENTION to it, THEN don't bother to do a good enough job
that anybody can figure out what the hell they were trying to block out
THE DEMON v. LA PARKA - what's that coming out of his mouth, Mae Young's
Gene says the swimsuit competition is next, then twirls his mustache. Does
that make him a melodramatic heel?
Vampiro's music starts, then it stops and Package's music starts again -
see, we haven't lit the pyro yet. Could they PLEASE stop passing out the
drugs to the tech crew?
"Luger sucks" chant is muted because it's more important that you not hear
the word "sucks" than perceive genuine crowd heat. Jesus Christ, what is
Luger's motivation to get over if THEY'RE NOT GOING TO BROADCAST THE
Castrol GTX provides a replay of Vampiro jobbing - 'cause we don't see
Vampiro job EVERY week - oh, wait, we DO!
Backstage, Vampiro tells the EMT's to get the hell away from him - I guess
he's worried he's gonna job to them or something.
MICKIE JAY v. MARK JOHNSON - Good God, they spell his name THAT way?
"Earlier Tonight," the Wall chokeslammed Crowbar through a table - wouldn't
it be something if Crowbar woke up and remembered he was Devon Storm?
Backstage, a voice yells out "mark" as we take a look at the losing woman,
who is crying. Buff Bagwell happens upon her and asks what's up? She says
that "the NWA - O - turned me down." Retakes are EXPENSIVE! Bagwell asks her
to come with him, HE'LL cheer her up. How...does he have a straight friend?
After two false starts of Jarrett's music and (of course) the offstage voice
intoning the magic word "clear!" it's time for the main event...
Fit Finlay has Vampiro in a choke and he's shouting him down, once again -
but this time, Vampiro fights back! Watch out guys, you'll hit the TV-14-DLS
We immediately go to the opening PYRO PYRO PYRO and MAN there are some big
sections of empty seats in the shot.
PSYCHOSIS (already in the ring, with de Juice) v. KAZ (Hayashiryu, already
in the ring) - "Finally, de joos has is in the house baida popoolur demand!
And tonight, de joosy one, de grate one, and sicolooz and these cowgry gone
live la vida loca, baby!" Search me, I don't have any idea what he was
In the course of five seconds, the camera manages to miss BOTH the Artist
waffling Psychosis with the belt AND Paisley giving a slap to Guerrera. But
hey, it's only plot points - we don't REALLY need them, do we? Good
direction costs MONEY, people!
Also tonight, Ric Flair and Curt Hennig in a "you didn't tune it in last
week, so we can get away with running it twice" matchup!
Flair climbs to the second turnbuckle and poses - but the Wall is up on the
apron and now he's got him by the neck - time for the CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE
TWO TABLES! Jay calls for the bell (DQ? 2:28) Daffney is crying...the EMT's
are out - hey, there's CURT HENNIG! Also TERRY FUNK & ARN ANDERSON. Hennig
says where we can hear it - "C'mon Arn! The old man should have been here!
Where's the old man at?" This segment was pretty well done - THE FIRST TIME
I SAW IT.
Backstage, Bam Bam Bigelow catches up to Wall at a staircase. "What are you
doing? Is it that 'get over' thing again? You don't 'get over' by breaking
people in half! They got bills to pay! What did I teach you?" Wall slaps him
one and Bigelow falls through a table - which fails to break, it just kinda
tips over - bet they wish they'd taped that one...
The noisy logo flies in and tells us that "UNcensored days until 13" -what
the HELL does that MEAN?
Backstage, Sid Vicious tells Vampiro he NEEDS him (to job) tonight! Will he
be there? Vampiro says "yes" - then mutters "Jesus!" Wait, can you speak the
name of our Lord and Saviour on WCW television?
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN come out - You know
what? "Slapnuts" is over with exactly three people - unfortunately, they all
host "WCW Live."
Tank Abbott yells at a random security guy - and now he's WALKING! He walks
by some random guys, calls 'em "yahoos" and tells 'em to shut up. Watch out
guys, he might GO FOR HIS KNIFE!
Abbott proclaims himself the Baddest Man on the Planet...just like Mike
Tyson! Abbott says run the show, but he ain't leavin' the ring...hey, if
this were REALLY a REAL shoot, don'tcha think they'd CUT HIS MIC?
At this point, the "asshole" chant is muted because it's better to have DEAD
SILENCE that give the impression that somebody just MIGHT be getting some
heat from this crowd. My virgin ears! Why, that crowd ought to be THROWN OUT
OF THE BUILDING!
"But you're not gonna get it tonight because you people (suck)." Whoops,
better fine him for trying to get a "suck" by the ever-vigilant WCW censors!
Meanwhile, Total Package tells Ric Flair that Arn Anderson is dead weight.
He refers to "last night," forgetting they're on tape for the NEXT night.
THE DEMON v. IDOL (with Lane) - WHEN "INSPIRED BY METAL" NAMES COLLIDE!
Hennig displays some doctor's orders - he can't wrestle tonight, but while
the Total Package may get a night off tonight, but he'll be ready Monday to
expose Luger for what he is - a jump back, cheap shot, nothing happening
bodybuilder, who he's gonna take out. I don't know about you, but I'm
actually willing to give this one a try - after all, we never got that whole
WrestleMania X situation resolved...REMEMBER?
Hulk Hogan provides pre-recorded comments - it's really VERY embarrassing
for him as he screams "whatcha gonna do" over and over while strapping the
floor. Do you suppose Hogan ever WATCHES himself? Of course, he shows no
effects of the broken, yet castless, arm while using the strap. Sigh.
At UNcensored, the graphic says Dustin Rhodes vs Terry Funk. But my heart
says "time to go to the bathroom, then fix a snack! Better wash my hands
between the toilet and the stove!"
Oh, and BY THE WAY...did that brawl with the chicken make you more likely to
want to *pay money* to see Funk and Rhodes at UNcensored? Hey, Greg, you
think we should stop joking about it - because THIS could be the escalation
to a "turkey on a pole" match that we've been worried about? Hah? THINK
Two things here. One, muting Flair saying "you gotta suck up" is yet ANOTHER
example of a lame policy being taken to the point of absurdity. It's at the
level of having to say "international object" because Turner banned the word
"foreign." The other thing is the fact that they fixate on the word "suck"
to begin with. If Luger gets the crowd to chant "Luger sucks," then *he's
doing the right thing.* Don't *discourage* it already. I know I said this
last week - I'm gonna KEEP saying it until somebody gets it through their
THICK HEADS. **PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING ON TELEVISION IS NOT THE PLACE TO
WORRY ABOUT STRICT MORALITY AND SOMETHING AS PIDDLY NICKLE AND DIME AS THE
USE OF THE WORD "SUCK."**
Outside, Elizabeth and Package load the limo, then contrive some dialogue
for us. "We'll find out Monday night!" All we needed was for Luger to turn
to you and I and say "8PM, ONLY ON TNT!"
Let Us Take You Back To Last Week, where Kidman hit his tag team partner
Booker with a dropkick. WAS it an accident? (Well, yes, but don't let that
mar the progression of the storyline...)
Advance Auto Parts presents the WCW Motor Sports report! Blaise Alexander
did some shtick with Jeff Jarrett (WOW! HE SAID "SLAPNUTS!") and then raced
to an EXCITING! top twenty finish (that's code for "they finished
Gene O. stands with the Mamalukes - err, Paisans. They talk loud and say
nothing. I haven't heard anybody say "clear" tonight, at least, so kudos to
the crew on that.
Is it a telling quote when he [Page] says "I don't know if I WANT to come
back?" Well, now, my speculation would be something like...the ONLY reason
they'd play THAT cut as a clip - well, actually, there are two. 1) This is
part of the "twists and turns" that were promised for the Page/Bagwell
angle, or 2) this is WCW and they just don't KNOW that playing that
soundbite would be a NEGATIVE for the company - I guess it's probably
50/50...sad, isn't it?
Jarrett asks the ladies if they want to flash Vampiro - GOOD LORD there are
SO MANY EMPTY SEATS in that shot. Needless to say, Jarrett says there'll be
no flashing and sends the women to the back - man, I *really* thought that
we were gonna see naked breasts tonight even as they refuse to allow us to
see or hear the word "suck" in any context! Hmm....come to think of it,
"suck" is generally the first thing to come to mind when you think of WCW
television programming...one of the women actually fakes CRYING because she
didn't get to bare her breasts - RIIIIIIIIGHT.
The WCW logo - it sees dead people
JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLET, the HARRIS BROS and SIX - NO, THREE WOMEN walk
out to try to match Flair, Anderson and Hogan in terms of cuttin' a promo,
yo - well, two out of three ain't bad, anyway.
Six days away for Jarrett - he reminds us that he's gotten three recent pins
on Mr. Vicious - and you can believe him, 'cause he's got footage! Jarrett
channels Shane McMahon, punctuating his guitar kabongs with "OHHHH!" Each
pin is preceded by a broken guitar - now if YOU were Jarrett, wouldn't you
EDIT THOSE OUT?
Backstage, Crowbar is wheeled into the ambulance, Flair climbs in after him
(nice UK tour shirt!)
Brian Knobs asks us to never wrestle - just in case we end up better than
Sid's music plays before Vampiro can add "and I'll job tonight, thanks."
At UNcensored, Total Package takes on Sting - for the LAST last time! It's a
Lumberjack Cast Match! Get down! Apparently, friendly people will put casts
on their UNbroken arms and serve as evil lumberjacks, in addition to all the
people with broken arms, who will apparently be GOOD lumberjacks. Okay.
NEXT: Vampiro has some words for Jeff Jarrett. You know, I don't think
that's really next...I think the BEST thing about this interview is that you
can't HELP but hear Hulk Hogan's music playing over it THE WHOLE TIME! Damn,
have they got it OUT for this kid or WHAT?
Meanwhile, Brian Knobs looks for Dog - then finds him in a wrecked dressing room - drinking from a toilet in the adjoining bathroom.
Drinking from a toilet.
Blocked - Funk grabs the can and rams BOTH their heads into the trashcan.
Schiavone - LAUGHS. WHY does Schiavone laugh during the most "brutal"
matches? It demeans their performance, fer cryin' out loud!
Q: How come Jarrett can say "slapnuts" until the cows come home but Stevie
Ray isn't allowed to say "fruit booty?" A: Racism.
Opening credits - hey, wanna have fun? Let's dissect this opening montage and see if we can figure out who's getting a push, shall we?
Because, my friends, only *I* am lame enough to detail a 45 second clip montage and you wouldn't *believe* how much some people hate me for it (as opposed to just skipping ahead). Still, who DON'T you see in that clip? (Hogan) Who do you BARELY see in that clip? (Hall, Hart, Flair) Who do you only see in the jobbin' position? (Vampiro) Does this give us insight into the future booking plans of WCW? (Discuss)
Trust me....this works! We used to do it with "WWF Superstars" to figure out
who was about to be fired!
- and if you had (1:27) into the show for the first instance of video
distortion of a sign in the audience - YOU WON THE BETTING POOL!
Now there's a BLATANT "Jeff Jarret (sic) SUCKS" sign in the crowd, so I'm
left to wonder - if they don't video distort THAT, what DID they video
WCW Magazine ad - I'd normally make a joke here, but the show's been pretty
damn good so far, so it'll have to wait.
Hey! You're video distorting Flair's head!
Backstage, GENE O. works tonight! (Funny, he LOOKS sober...)
Hey, "Deliverance" is airing on WTBS Saturday at 23:05 (20:05 over here) -
that's like required viewing for all pro wrestling fans, isn't it?
Abbott leaves the ring before the decision, yet instead of counting him out
and declaring Buzzkill the winner, Jay stops the match. (:23) Then, Tank
went for HIS KNIFE!!!! (Well, okay, no he didn't really.)
Wall threatening to chokeslam Flair from the balcony to the lower level -
yeah, right, what do you think this is, ECW?
Vampiro is WALKING! Who will he job to tonight?
"Beyond the Mat" ad - it starts FRIDAY! I'd go see it but I think I'll be
wearing green and drinking.
Backstage, Booker is WALKING! Then he RUNS into the TV-PG-DLV ratings box!
Yowch, THAT'S gotta hurt!
Gutshot by Vampiro, NAIL IN THE COFFIN. 1, 2, 3. (5:32) FINALLY Vampiro gets
a well-deserved victory in a hard-fought match over some REAL competition.
Why didn't they give him this match a MONTH ago? TOTALLY BITCHIN'.
Yow! The casket! It's too heavy...but if it could, it'd be WALKING!
Be sure and watch Saturday Night - Torrie might fall out of her top again
like she did last week! THAT'LL turn 'em heel, all right!
Also tonight, the Nitro return of Sting...against Ric Flair! (Wait, didn't
we just see that quite recently? Oh, wait, everybody was watching RAW that
NEXT: Hard Knox Chris Candido is WALKING! Whoa, how'd he FREEZE like that in
LASH LeROUX v. "HARD KNOX" CHRIS CANDIDO - Candido takes the mic and says
he's got no gimmick, no catchphrases, and no trashy valet. Well, DAMN, does
this mean no Tammy for us?
The Nitro Spring Break Out 2000 is brought to you by Tough Actin' Tinactin
and by TracFone! Doesn't that logo look like they made a mistake and had to
cross something out?
Tickets going on sale Friday for Spring Stampede in Chicago, Nitro in
Rochester, and Saturday for Peoria, Nitro in Rockford, and Thunder in
Syracuse! PLEASE buy some tickets - those empty seats look EMBARRASSING on
BILLY KIDMAN (with Torrie Samuda & still shots) and BOOKA v. HARRIS BROS
(with still shots) for the tag team championship - Now listen here: if *I*
can tell them apart, and I'm watching them all the way out here on TV, can't
Tony (sitting about twelve feet away) be bothered to tell them apart as
well? Hell, freakin' TENAY can figure it out.
Torrie jumps on Don's back (!) - he pushes her off and before we can figure
out if she fell out or not we zoom out - WAY out...
THE NARCISSIST (with Liz & TV-14-DLS ratings box) v. RAW JUST STARTED - hey,
no bottles, cans or coolers at South Padre Island next week, okay? (Also, no
Last night, Sid Vicious held a post-match press conference in jeans only -
ooh la la! Hulk Hogan interrupted to give his personal seal of approval to
Vicious...then lingered as the press continued to ask him questions,
ignoring Sid. Do you see where this is going? If not, the commentators are
there to BEAT IT INTO YOU!
Hey, you know that on wcw.com, they actually came out and ADMITTED that
Morrus' music was a complete ripoff of "The Zoo?" Yup!
Hey! How'zabout one more list of directions to get your wrist bands? You
know what would be fun? If a whole bunch of people WITHOUT wrist bands just
STORMED the place...oh you didn't get that idea from me...
WCW Magazine features an article on the Man Called Sting - by God, if THAT
don't make you want to subscribe RIGHT NOW I don't know WHAT will
Another eyepoke by Flair. Chop, chop, oh DON'T actually SAY "he's not
sellin'" for crying out loud!
Setting up for the Sharpshooter - Flair's giving up! Package pulls out
Robinson but the bell rings. (5:20) Tony: "I'm not so sure what the official
call is, and I'm not so sure it matters..." well WHY THE HELL HAVE THE DAMN
MATCH IF IT DOESN'T *MATTER*?!?
Jarrett makes the tag. Kick, elbow, in the corner, kick, kick, kick, kick,
chop, chop, T-bone Tazzplex, did he give a "fuck you" to Hogan that did NOT
get muted? Get down!
Vicious is up as Hogan motioning to the fans - ready to go off the ropes for
the big leg on Jarrett but Vicious catches him IN the choke - chokeslam!!
Sid covers Hogan....huh? Jay counts...1, 2, 3. (5:30) Good God, not only
does that make very little sense (I KNOW they pretended to build it up all
night - I KNOW they had their incredibly inept oaf of a colour commentator
try to spoon-feed us the concept ALL NIGHT - even at the risk of ruining the
"surprise" aspect of it - because, hell, what good is it to try and surprise
us anyway, right?) but....well, despite weeks of quarter hours proving
REPEATEDLY that Hogan and Sid are NOT what's drawing - what's on top? I
guess the only saving grace is that by wrestling each other, they at least
don't drag down two other performers by taking part in INDIVIDUAL feuds.
First off, there's a good chance that everything that happens tonight will
have absolutely no meaning. When we look at it THAT way, it's actually a lot
Bill Busch has resigned following the news that your favourite cracka AND
mine has come back to kill us all. This, of course, begs the obvious
question: Haven't they learned ANYTHING? No, no, I meant THIS obvious
question: When am I gettin' my twenty minute lucha libre matches back?
Close captioned logo and "highlights" of Monday's quickie Sid turn - too
late to prevent THAT, isn't it?
Before any Meng/Abbott confrontation gets interesting, SECURITY is out to
break it up. Oh, the bell rang in here - let's call it (DQ 1:46) Look out,
Meng! ABBOTT'S GOING FOR HIS KNIFE!!
Then as Gene tries to leave, Sid grabs him by the tie. As Vicious drops to
his knees, Okerlund gets all melodramatic with the choking - hey, he's not
drunk, is he?
Gene O. stands with Dustin Rhodes, who calls Hogan a vampire and a disease -
and he's the stake and the cure. Bloodletting and amputation are promised,
but I kinda doubt we'd see that on a TV-PG show.
Did GOD just buy ad time on this show? Well, they can't be THAT hard up for sponsors, then...
Hmm, strangely enough, TBS decides to advertise "The Devil's Advocate" in
this set of commercials, too
I was gonna do play-by-play for this match, but ...c'mon. It's Chuck
Palumbo, already. If you don't watch Saturday Night (and really, you should
-it's the best WCW program on the air), Palumbo is the Jungle Jim Steele of
the Power Plant. If he ends up winning, I'll go back and redo this
paragraph. Oops, he didn't win.
Everybody gets duct-tape-and-chicken-wire chyron tonight - I CAN'T stress
this enough because they had *24 HOURS OF POST-PRODUCTION* invested in this
Advance Auto Parts presents "This Week in WCW Motorsports!" Here's Wally Dallenbach, driver of the 75 WCW Ford, to tell us what it's like turning the steering wheel for a living. Even WALLY says the WCW logo sucks! Oh man, THEN he said that "racecar drivers are REAL athletes - not like those RASSLERS!" Can you believe THAT? The USHRA Monster Jam World Finals are this Sunday on pay-per-view - maybe Goldberg's gonna be there, too. Sure, he can't appear at UNcensored, but sign him up for the monster jam PPV!
(Okay, he didn't really say that.)
Outside, Knobs and Dog wait for their cue (they saw the Helmsleys do it and
thought it was cool), then - yes! They're WALKING!
Jiggle them boobies, front row girl!
Hennig fights them off with one arm - until Jarrett kabongs his gee-tar on
Hennig's head. Keep ringing that bell because it's SO annoying - meanwhile,
there's a Steiner recliner on Bagwell. We cut to a crowd shot and the
bellrining mysteriously ceases - which is weird, because I still saw Jarrett
say "suck on DEEZ nuts" before they cut away - which seems like the kind of
thing they would have edited out. Oh well.
MY GOD! THEY OPENED UP A HOLE IN BAGWELL'S CHEST--oh, wait, that's just the
graphic zooming in.
Hogan says "...I'll take care of Dustin Rhodes on my own - put that business
suit on, get Bill Busch and when I come out of the ring after I beat Dustin,
have that contract signed with me and Sid..."
Say, do Busch's contracts still have validity...after he RESIGNS?!?
So, like, that guy's WHOLE JOB is to hand out sticks of Big Red for free?
Did some eccentric millionaire die and leave this last request in his will
If I was a little kid and my parents bought me those "4 Fish Fly Free"
videos, I'd probably turn gay RIGHT THERE.
Close captioning brought to you by America Online! Since the graphics are
broken, Mike Tenay didn't know to give it a voiceover - making it seem JUST
LIKE you're hearing impaired!
Next week: I make the over on that "CRZ can only last four weeks doing this
show" bet. Come back, won't you?
Anyway, Kimberly's wearing a swimsuit that reminds us all that Vince Russo
is back once again, as well as one of those waist things that all the
Tony proclaims this past week one of the most exciting weeks in the whole of
history and reveals that Brad Siegel, the president of Turner Entertainment
Networks as well as WCW (wink) brought back Eric Bischoff as the head of
Creative (wink) and also he was interested in bringing back Vince Russo
(wink) - Russo hasn't decided yet, but some time tonight we'll find out!
Here's A Special Video Look at Hogan at the Tower Records in Chicago -I
can't help but notice we didn't see ANY shots of any throngs of people, or
long lines, or anything - are they only leaving it to our imagination?
Local spot hypes ...WWF Armageddon? Ummm, that was three months ago!
Somebody at AT&T Cable is on some serious crack.
Oh boy! Knicks/Kings tomorrow! My depression can CONTINUE! I hope they lose
the lead to a free throw like they did Sunday...damn that Shaq and his
diabolical free throw-making ability!
I think the most unfortunate thing about the fact that Nitro and Thunder
will be pre-empted next week is that INSTEAD, we'll get FOUR hours of "Ready
to Rumble" infomercial in their place. Fortunately, no one will be watching
them, so it won't matter.
Gene starts out with "I want to thank you for bailing me out last week," and
I ponder the symbolism.
Package and Sting are at the hotel - and near the swimming pool. Thank GOD
somebody's going in the water - if they killed THAT tradition there'd be
NOTHING left....BACK BODY DROP INTO THE POOL! Who had Total Package in the
Elizabeth finally manages to do some damage, breaking a bottle (I think on
Sting). Package goes to the surfboard. I mean, like, LITERALLY. HE HITS HIM
WITH A SURFBOARD.
Back to the ring, oh IT DOESN'T MATTER what happens in the ring so let's go
back to the beach! Sting's in the ocean - BACK BODY DROP IN THE OCEAN!
PILEDRIVER IN THE OCEAN! Charles Robinson leaps to the water - 1, 2, 3!
(5:25) Sting's not done - bell clap! Clothesline! IN THE OCEAN! Tony has
fifteen simultaneous orgasms.
Back in the ring, it looks like Vampiro must have jobbed.
Fit Finlay says that Bischoff & Russo have a good track record, and these
are the guys who can sort it out. "I'm a team player as far as this business
is concerned, and I'll back them all the way." First of all, after hearing
THAT line of corned beef, I guess those stereotypes ARE true about Irish
guys and drinking, and second of all, Finlay SHOULD have said "when are they
teaming me back up with David Taylor and Doc Dean?"
Here's a Special Video Look at the Wall - he's taking on Hulk Hogan later
tonight. Oh man, don't tell me THAT'S your main event. "Let's TRY to set a
record!" said the lame duck booker. "Lowest rated main event EVER!"
Schiavone says he's been asked to "sell these two people beating each other
up but I'm sorry, I can't do that right now." Sigh. The other guy is giving
free blowjobs, by the way...this from a guy who has a rather unhealthy
fiaxtion, going on and on about how the masturbation patterns of all the WWF
fans out there. Bischoff & Russo are going to take two weeks to "sort things
out" and debut *their* WCW Nitro on 10 April.
WCW Magazine ad - I'm sure on tap for next month's issue is "Chris Benoit:
How Long Can He Hold the Title?"
Anyway, Tony gets relentless in hyping Nitro in two weeks. It would be
HILARIOUS if RAW was SUCH hot shit next week that NOBODY came back to Nitro
in two weeks. Now, in the LONG run, it'd suck, 'cause the WWF has tended to
get REALLY lazy without competition, but in the short run...it'd be fun.
I have a feeling you could play the Hulk Hogan/Big Bubba Rogers main event
of the first episode of Nitro and feel like we've come full circle here.
Sadly, the Mark speaks of the 10 April Nitro as if he already knows he'll
still have a job providing colour commentary, and that's a strike against
the "new" Nitro already.
In the Thunder report, I'll tell you why I'm so depressed about what appears
to be coming with WCW (just in case you haven't figured it out already).
Join us then, won't you?
Billy Kidman looks forward to Vince Russo coming back because "he elevates
the younger talent. Bischoff's done a lot of great things for WCW the last
time around, but he's noted for helping the 'established talent', to be
politically correct." And THEN - he takes out a pad of paper and a magic
marker and CONNECTS THE DOTS and DRAWS IT OUT FOR US, just in case we
haven't gotten it yet. Jesus, how stupid and rubelike do they expect their
dwindling audience to be?
Curt Hennig says it's a great thing that they're back. Bischoff hired him
and Russo knows he can go, "so I think it's gonna be a thumbs up year for
Curt Hennig all the way." God bless Curt Hennig - he still manages to find a
way to turn this bit into self-promotion.
Ron Harris says that a 1975 booking style will be moved to 2000 AND
somebody's in the office with a little backbone and things will get done.
What exactly is he smoking again?
WORLD HARDCORE TITLE: DOG v. BRIAN KNOBS
Crutch! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Woof! Woof! Woof! Fire extinguisher!
Chair! Nasty! Nasty! Nasty! Crutch! Mop! Paint tray! Crutch! Crutch! Garbage
can! Barricade! Garbage can! Garbage can lid! Garbage can! Pitty City!
Nasty! Big boots to the chair! Clubbing blow! Elbow! Whip into the corner!
Follow lariat! Woof! Woof! Gnaw! Woof! Woof! Table! Nasty! Chair! Garbage
can! Cover! Three! Nasty! (Call 4:11)
Tenay gamely tries to promo Spring Stampede despite having no knowledge of
the card. I just had a scary thought...Bischoff on play-by-play...and Russo
TOO COOL and THAT SLUT CHYNA (with her "C2000") - OOPS, NO, I GUESS IT'S and
CHRIS THURSDAY JERICHO v. DEAN MALENKO & PERRY SATURN & CHRIS BENOIT (with
Eddie Guerrero) - Starting off with a match? A MATCH? It's like *admitting*
that Monday's show was off-kilter!
Chyna gets her own entrance (and bazooka) but has no role in this match.
(Makes sense, he muttered in caustic fashion, although not loud enough to
suggest he'd rather see her *in a match...*).
WWF: The Music (Volume 4) ad - did I read right that "Full Metal: the Album"
was going to get a re-release, or did I just imagine that? Hey, anybody got
a copy of that early 90's WCW album? I wanna hear "the Natural" again.
"Well, they call him the Natural (Naturaaaaaal)..."
Man, a half hour without an interview! Maybe you and I *are* being rewarded
for sitting through that God-awful RAW?
LILIAN GARCIA interviews Crash Holly, who says he's the greatest Hardcore
championship the WWF has ever had - and to prove it, he's going to defend
the title "24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year" - if they can
find a sanctioned referee to follow him around, they can try to get a
pinfall on him at ANY time in ANY place - I'm thinking while he sleeps would
be a good idea...
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED REAL ATHLETE, REAL AMERICAN HERO, GO JOE!,
NOW YOU KNOW (AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE) KURT ANGLE v. SERGEANT
SLAUGHTER for the Intercontinental championship - Holy crap, Sarge comes out
to his *1992 ENTRANCE THEME!* YES!! I LIVE for continuity no one gets but
I can just imagine the poor refs going on strike again to fight constantly
being awakened at 3am to follow some guy who's following Crash...refs in
striped pajamas! THAT'S GOLD, BABY! Get me Bishop on the phone, it's time to
write up a treatment!
Holy crap - I'm older than SHAQ? I'M OLDER THAN SHAQ?
Geez, I have enough of a problem knowing I'm older than the Rock!
Backstage, Mark Henry tells Young to stay in the back - One can only hope
she gets put through a table...wait, did I say that? What's WRONG with me?
The Acolytes steal from "Pulp Bookerman" - I mean, "Pulp Fiction." What, are
they driving around a parking lot? Ah, vignettes.
SEXUAL CHOCKLIT MIZARK HENRY (with Mae Young) v. D-VON DAMN DUDLEY (with Buh
Buh Ray Damn Dudley) - Let Us Take You Back to Last Week Because We're
Apparently Not Smart Enough to Never Speak Of It Again - yup, talk to the
hand. Lawler says "starfish," and I'm feeling woozy.
Somehow, we made it through the ENTIRE match without Ross telling us that
Henry was really fat.
And I would much rather look like this than look like a 30-year-old,
never-kissed-a-woman Olympic geek who still lives at home with his Mommy, so
Mrs. Angel, put down your double whiskey sour, pick the corn chips from
between your teeth, and get ready to see your baby boy JACKASS get a Y2J
beating that he, and you will never...ever forget a-gain." Geez, I think
he's talking about his good friend Mark Madden there, actually.
Shouldn't Lawler have NOT asked Terri about Mae Young's condition, so as not
to encourage a flashback to HER superbomb through a table? Oh well.
This time around, we are told that only by going over the top will someone
win this match - they say that so I don't whine about the door being RIGHT
THERE!! like I always do.
TREBLE H & STEPHANIE ONO come out to "My Time" to start us off. And more and
more, I'm starting to notice that Stephanie REALLY has trouble...you know,
LA ROCA v. CHRIS BENOIT & PERRY SATURN in a handicap match - well, golly,
Rock's out to jerk the curtain! Wait - I mean I AM OUTRAGED THAT BENOIT IS
BEING WASTED BY THE WWF BY OPENING THE SHOW - whew, hopefully I get to keep
my "smark" membership card now.
Rios is announced the winner, and Edge and Christian are left in the ring to
argue. Cole loses A MILLION points for not bringing up the fact that
Christian is a former light heavyweight champion.
Got no life? WrestleMania all day long - 2 April - only $49.95
Let Us Take You Back to Earlier Today where KEVIN "NAILZ" KELLY stands with
Henry, Young and Moolah - "Mark, the emotional toll." "Man, I am tired of
the stuff that's going on around here - somebody's going to seriously be
injured. She is too delicate, man - too fragile for this kinda stuff, man -
excuse me..." and they walk off. Hey, so Young can have a four hundred pound
man on top of her and suffer no ill effects, but...wait, what was my point?
JEFF HARDY (with Matt Hardy) v. STEVE BLACKMAN (with Riggs & Murtaugh...and
Al Snow & Head) - backstage, Snow tells Blackman he's found his biggest fan
- then some guy (who WASN'T me - I swear) wearing a giant cheese on his head
gushes while Blackman acts annoyed.
I GET LETTERS: STILL think that guy was me? Talk to Christopher Morgado, baby! Chris-
The dude with the glasses who was Steve Blackman's number 1 fan on Smackdown
is my old roommate from my freshman year at Salem State college in MA. His
name's Will Carbo, and I laughed my ass off watching him act like a complete
nerd... or maybe I was just laughing so hard because the last time I saw him
he was a mall security guard...
The Rock is holding his side - MY GOD! ROCK IS *SELLING*!
Rock grabs the bell and hits a bell shot (complete with sound effect) of
both men - wow, he really rang their bells! BWAAAAAAAAhahahahahaha - I kill
I GET LETTERS: Sometimes, you get JUST the right email at JUST the right time. Dave Mitchell provided with this insight: Y'know why they quit runing the "Getting Cheffy With It" commercials? 'Cause the Rock can't sell ravioli either! HAR!
Still...don't let eight minutes of "Walker" keep you from catching WWF RAW -
ONLY ON USA! (and maybe TSN, if there isn't some curling on or something)
Notice how the "coming up next" clips on USA are now Austin-free? I'm just
saying, is all...
Opening credits - closed captioned - thanks to a German record store, I got
a used original copy of "Full Metal: The Album" for $4 - I have already made
an endless loop of that riff from "All Together Now" to play when I'm around
the house and feeling alone. But I *still* don't need to hear anymore of
"Thorn in Your Eye." Nope. Hey, there ARE a lot of new clips in this montage
- why didn't I notice that earlier? Probably too busy humming along with the
MUSIC! "All Together Now" kicks ASS! Who has the video? C'mon, they played
it EVERY WEEK for a few months in 1995, SOMEBODY'S got it. Hell, *I* might
have it - I really should go through these tapes some day...HEY! Bob
Backlund turning heel! That'd make a good column...wait, I write columns?
When did THAT happen? Oh, wait, you're not here for the tangents? Well,
hell, how come you haven't already abandoned this paragraph for the next
one, son? These things can't read THEMSELVES!
"In the Shadow of NewYork City," (a little birdie told me it was East
Rutherford, NJ) we are LIVE 13.3.2K from the Continental Airlines Arena,
where the word "desperate" is uttered a whopping THIRTY-ONE times in the
span of two minutes - well, maybe I'm exaggerating JUST A SMIDGE
Rock walks off and Ross tells us that, by gosh, we could very well be seing
the Rock's last match ever - EVER! (ha)
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, brought to you by SNICKERS! The gay guys
like it 'cause it's CHOCK FULL OF NUTS!
Lugz brings you the WWF Boot of the Week! From RAW last week, the Dudleyz
conspire to put 77-year-old Mae Young through a table. Oops, Ross said "80"
again. You know, he and Kevin Kelly really need to make up already.
On one hand, if you don't see the difference between THIS bump and the
Grimes/New Jack bump, get somebody to explain it to you. On the OTHER hand,
JESUS CHRIST, SHE'S 77!!!!!
Moments Ago, four paragraphs ago, hey, how about ANOTHER angle - it's STILL
cool lookin'! Hey, did you catch Young squeezing Dudley's hand after the
spot was done? A signal, maybe? "I'm okay?" Cool!
The Rock hosts Saturday Night Live this Saturday! Gee, what a shame it would
be - I mean, it'd SURE suck if he would have had to RETIRE by Saturday,
wouldn't it? Har har har...yeah right. Bleah.
Backstage, MICHAEL KING COLE asks FAB MOOLAH how she feels. "What the hell
do you mean, how do I feel? I don't feel a damn thing! The bitch got what
she deserved! That's exactly right. Listen, no one ever heard of Mae Young
until I brought her into this organisation! I brought her in, she was
nothing, and she's STILL nothing as far as I'm concerned. But, when I
brought her in here, what appreciation did she show me? She disgraced me and
all the organisation by showing her puppies, giving birth, and stealing my
spotlight! I'm a Hall of Famer, do you understand that, Michael? Do you
understand what I'm saying, and frankly I wanna tell you know, I don't give
a damn if the bitch never EVER comes back!" This just in: Moolah gets new
fan. Still, I DON'T want to see them wrestle each other again. I DON'T. I
*DON'T*. You hear me? Don't book it! PLEASE! Moolah saying "bitch"
repeatedly good - Moolah wrestling Young BAD.
Terri bounces out to Edge and Christian's confusion...strangle someone if
you hear the word "she-devil" too many times.
Here's a couple scenes from "3rd Rock from the Sun" featuring Chyna - damn,
I'll probably be watching the Kings lose to the Blazers again instead.
Sorry! Tomorrow at 8 on NBC! Hey, can Ross say "NBC?" The graphic says
"check local listings" for a reason....that's it, he's FIRED!
Hey, Val Venis is back, whoopee! I hear he had a real pain in the neck - or
maybe he WAS a real pain in the neck, I forget.
OH MY GOD! "THREE AMIGOS" IS ON DISNEY RIGHT NOW!! I *must* watch the
"Singing Shrub" scene after RAW is over! That scene KICKS ASS!
WrestleMania is THREE weeks away! Tupac Shakur ate SNICKERS the night he
When Vince McMahon get the biggest pop, is it any wonder he actually
*thinks* he can keep us from seeing "Beyond the Mat?"
Lest this cynical, biased reporter totally ruin the spectacularness of this final sequence, allow my brother to put the proper spin on the night's festivities:
I GET LETTERS: Aaron Zimmerman offers: I just marked out for vince... omigod. Somebody shoot me.
It's okay, mah brutha - it's okay.
Seems weird to see Triple H wrestling at thirty-seven after eight, don't it?
Of course, there's no wrestling competing with this show tonight...not that
there's any on Monday, ba dum bum.
Back to real time, where Triple H trashes his office - hey, that was a
*perfectly* good vegetable tray!
Mr. Backlund, I have a great idea. Why don't you procure your crossface
chickenwing on this nice man?" Backlund promptly "snaps" and it's 1994 all
over again. And I seriously COULDN'T be happier.
Man, Backlund looks FANTASTIC for fifty - oops, gave away his age. Pretend
you didn't hear that.
As Guerrero points to his head - he ends up attacked from behind by THAT
SLUT CHYNA. DDT! Did Cole just call that DDT a "3rd Rock" and will I have to
Backstage, Tony Garea and Sergeant Slaughter attempt to free Kane - why
don't they go find the guy who drives the truck? He's probably got a key
GRAND MASTER SEXAY (with Scotty Too Hotty) v. DEAN MALENKO (with Eddie
Guerrero) for the WWF Light Heavyweight Championship - hey, remember when
Brian Christopher was in the finals for this belt back in '97? No? What were
you watching THEN, the NWO? You were? Oh.
TONIGHT: It's a tag team elimination tournament! DX takes on the Hardyz, and
hopefully some other matches too, or it ain't much of a tournament!
Cole says he really enjoyed Saturday Night Live - McMahon says hey, that
give him an idea.... "LIVE - FROM CHICAGO - IT'S RAW IS WAR!!" Then as
Brisco and Patterson applaud, Vince gives us a look on his face along the
lines of "Can you BELIEVE I get paid to act this hokey?"
For no apparent reason, we zoom in on a pair of breasts being fluffed up -
wait, who am I to demand a reason?
Your hosts are a pair of kings, LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. "JR, let me ask
you something. I mean, tonight's - WrestleMania's main event here live
tonight, this is not gonna be one of those deals where they say that's gonna
happen and it's not gonna happen, is it?" "I guarantee it's not - when the
WWF tells you it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen!" Wow, good old Lawler -
really caring about whether or not the fans get screwed. He's looking out
for US! My question is...who's this a shot at - ECW?
Here's a look at the video for "The Kings" by Run-D.M.C. - a song based on
the DX theme. In case you forgot - he's the KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING - of
ROCK! This video's got lotsa drinking, smoking and tits. I expect
Nickelodeon will add it to the playlist ANY minute now.
Faarooq hits a - well, I don't know how a move hurts when he ends up landing
completely ON him.
Yesterday, Jerry Tolliver and the Stone Cold Steve Austin funny car took
their third win! And to reward him, they let him sleep with Terri! Now
What IS it about spitting in your hand that makes the punch THAT much more
LAST MONDAY: Here's some clips in
Tonight's opening arguments will be presented by STEPHANIE ONO & TREBLE H.
Ewwww, Hunter's got *headlights!*
"Linda - now, MOM - don't make this difficult - GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE -
NOW!!" And so LINDA McMAHON *does* come out, to - holy crap, that's
"(Whoa-oh-oh) WrestleMania" from the old "Slam Jam" album!
Rock comes to the ring to his track from the "WWF Aggression" CD (complete
with special CD graphic replacing the WWF logo in the corner of the screen
for a bit) with rap by Method Man. It sounds quite agreeable - oops, Cole
just said "I'm diggin' the Method Man," so screw THAT.
Here's an exterior shot of the Bradley Center! Hey, it's MARCH!! Why do they
STILL have Christmas lights on the trees? Sheesh! That's just like trying to
continue to get away with having a "Micasa 99" logo! Oh, wait...
STEPHANIE ONO comes out with VISIBLE HEADLIGHTS! WAHOOOOO oh sorry. But at
least if I focus on her NIPPLES, I don't have to be annoyed by her FACE -
which just DOESN'T really do "smug" in a good way.
"...Even at 19, I knew how ta - use my ASSets to get what I wanted." Lawler:
(only dogs and I can hear him say) "Use her assets?" Cole: "I'm not even
believin' this." Me: "Over here with me, Cole."
"That's a trick YOU taught me, Mom...the power of persuasion. Especially as
it pertains to the opposite sex - that's what this game is all about, isn't
it Mom?" [chant is muted out here - what is this, Thunder?]
LINDA McMAHON comes out to "WrestleMania" and it looks like the graphics
have a new font and fade-in. Oh, man, this'll be exciting, won't it?
Geez, it's like they said "just talk - no pauses - just get it all out -
don't lock up - just say it - say it - say it." Linda's the MASTER OF
"Vince, I appreciate that but I think you've known me a long time and you
know that I can take care of myself." Linda SMILES!! She shows EMOTION!!
Crash is out first, and hiding behind a trashcan - everybody goes the wrong
way and looks confused - too bad they weren't watching the cameraman, who
kept swinging back to the trashcan to watch Crash.
TOO COOL come out and NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE! I'm
*praying* for another beatdown but not tonight, I guess...why yes, this DOES
take longer than the match. Up yours, wrestling fans!
Hey, you don't think when the Rock said "Stephanie turns on Vince," he meant
something kinky? I mean, if he's checking Shane for erections and all...
THA GODFATHA & D'LO BROWN (with twenty-four--err, a dozen women) pay off the
Acolytes to take a walk, then beat on the two men in the ring until their
music plays again. I'd be remiss if I didn't note the GIANT UNNATURAL
BREASTS on that one woman, so here's a sentence about that...
STEPHANIE ONO comes to the ring to "My Time," carrying a letter. Say, if
we're REALLY lucky, she just might read it to US!
Holy CHRIST that was a waste of time. Seriously - what was the POINT of
THAT SLUT CHYNA gets an entrance for no good reason other than somebody
REALLY enjoys seeing her shoot off that bazooka. "Don't treat me like a
chicken / don't treat me like a ham / don't treat me like a ribeye..."
You know, that kid's seen ENOUGH dead people tonight - I MEAN IT
Hey, how many of you were waiting for the breaking of glass? Eh? Eh?? What,
NONE of you? C'mon, get some longer memories already!!