You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns

Colonic Crud




Wrestling fans on the Internet have a fetish for using scales for everything. We have the Meltzer star scale for matches, a Muta scale for blade jobs, the Hennig scale for overselling, and so on, and so on. Therefore, I propose another scale, to be the definitive scale in an area that has surprisingly few scientific measurements so far: bumping.

Half of this scale would be based on distance flown and appearance of impact upon landing, while half would be based on actual damage done. Examples follow.

  • Anything Hulk Hogan has ever done tops out at 0.1 out of 1.0. And that's being generous.

  • Buh Buh Ray Dudley putting Mae Young through a table gets 0.2 for little distance, nice impact, and no real injury.

  • Buh Buh jumping off a ledge with Mae Young and going through a table gets 0.3 for better distance.

  • Shane McMahon's fall at Summerslam achieves nearly the maximum for distance flown and impact (reduced somewhat because the impact didn't look too terrible), but no points for actual injury, and rates 0.4 on the scale.

  • Kanyon's Slamboree bump off the big old cage gets a similar 0.4.

  • Tony Nash's backdrop bump receives no points for distance flown, but does receive full points for being fatal, so he gets a 0.5.

  • Likewise, Buff Bagwell's bump gets a 0.5 for being slightly more impressive looking than a damn backdrop but only breaking his neck.

  • And Droz gets 0.6 for his broken neck, since a botched powerbomb looks more spectacular than a botched bulldog.

  • Any one of Jeff Hardy's big bumps that cause him injury could easily get a 0.6 or a 0.7 for being quite spectacular and hurty, but not career-ending.

  • Mick Foley losing his ear to Vader or taking a powerbomb on concrete would be a 0.7 or 0.8 for little distance flown but excellent looking impact and actual severe injury.

  • Mick Foley falling fifteen feet through the top of a cell, landing on a chair, busting his face, and breaking bones gets a 0.9 on the scale.

    You get the idea. No doubt you can place your favorite bump somewhere on this scale. Still, there is one bump that is the absolute ultimate on the scale, and I'll reveal it now.

  • The top of the scale goes to a wrestler who falls seventy feet onto a turnbuckle and stops his heart, thus achieving the coveted 1.0 Owen.

    Perhaps someday a wrestler will fall 100 yards out of a helicopter and spread himself throughout the ring and get a newer, superior scale, but until then, I leave you with the Owen Hart Scale.

    Colonic Crud

    Mail the Author

  • BLAH


    Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission