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Colonic Crud




Hi, and welcome back to Slash, where we're starved for content! We'll put up anything, even if dumb people don't like it. Mail in favor of the Owen Scale ran 2:1 over mail against, so I'm encouraged that there aren't quite as many idiots among this audience (given what a bunch of shut-ins some of you come off as being) as one might think. Of course, there are a few in every crowd. Thanks for hating, guys!

I'm exhausted after churning out that half-page Owen Scale column, so I'm just going to take it easy this time out. That's right, it's the fallback of every bad Internet wrestling writer, the Random Thoughts column. Here goes:

  • Hey, Vince Russo sucks! Insightful, no? Or perhaps inciteful. Ooh! Ooh! I have another one! The Rick sucks! "Thumbs in the middle." Ha ha!

  • Okay, everyone who thinks Steve Austin would actually feud with Tazz, given their respective standings, raise your hands. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect, put your hands down. Those of you whose hands are still up positively have writing jobs waiting for you at Emzee.

  • Its common knowledge that the WWF is destroying it's future by holding down it's young Canadian stars and Kurt Angle because Paul Levesque and Duane Johnson and Mark Callaway and the rest have Vince's ear and are manipulating him. Hey, Herb Kunze said it, why don't you ask him what his sources are? Its not my job to answer these questions. I'm smart!

  • Isn't it cool how the online wrestling website community seems to be turning into one big incestuous crossover? The Shooters and Emzee and the Oracles and even Rantsylvania should be living in the hills of Kentucky and marrying each other.

  • "Hunter and Kurt like to watch," Stephanie said as she approached Lita, who was beginning to feel a wetness in her loins. Steph reached her delicate hands around Lita's body and caressed Lita's firm bottom, her hands tracing along Lita's thong and into the crack of her . . . WHOA! Almost became a complete loser!

  • I've said it before and I'll say it again: Gene "The Genius" White is the Best Hung Secret on the Internet!

  • In puro news, Hideki Nakajima defeated Hiroyoshi Yamoto with a Super Spinning Diamond Fire Orgasmic Power Flop to win the World Title Jamboree at The Egg Dome. Remember that if you think any of this sounds funny, I will react violently against you. Death to the unbelievers!

  • Here are my predicted ratings for matches that may or may not take place at Unforgiven: Rock vs. Undertaker vs. Kane vs. Benoit: ***, provided UT's work is kept at a minimum and Benoit drags them to it. HHH vs. Kurt Angle: *** , as these guys can work together, but we all know HHH is going over. But not going face. Dudleyz vs. Acolytes: *, because these teams just can't carry each other. And Billy Gunn and Raven and probably Stone Cold have to run in sometime during the PPV. Remember, the predictions matter a lot more than what actually happens!

  • I'll never understand why guys like Brain French and Steve Schroeder hang around with the nTo. They're too smart for that shit. The nTo has tried to destroy at least four wrestling sites, you know. But they only succeeded with the Tilde```. Because Emzee struggled up from its grave like some great zombie mastodon out of a tar pit. Or the ditch it was birthed in.

  • I want everyone to know that I think The Rock is a spurious, unctuous, skulduggerous cur, and he has some sort of problem with detailed and plausible roleplaying characters.

  • About Mr. JF's excellent Notes From the Ross Report columns, I have only this to say: the author is 100% correct.

  • I hate to say I could book better than the nimrods running WCW, but I could. So here's some fantasy booking for you. First things first, a competent ownership group has to buy both WCW and ECW. Then, one week on Nitro, have Justin Credible and Steve Corino and Jerry Lynn and the rest come out unannounced and tell everyone they're staging an invasion. Then have Booker T and Sting and the other WCW faces band together against them. It'd be fresh and original, I tell you! And remember, no matter what people say, developing and broadcasting extensive fantasy booking scenarios doesn't make you a complete wanker.

  • I have Dave Meltzer's ear, you know. Well, to be accurate, I got through to his show the other day, and I was about to tell a delicious joke about Judy Bagwell, New Jack, and Kane's old throat kazoo when my dad yelled at me to get off the phone. Isn't that just super?

  • Some of you want to know my real identity, so I'll give you a clue: I am a fairly well known recapper. I hate the shows I recap, but I continue to complain about them constantly anyway because doing something you hate is better than being happy and not known as a wrestling show recapper.

  • As I noted last week, wrestling fans should have a rating scale for everything. Therefore, I'll give my column a 7.5 WrestleLine out of 10. It wasn't bad, but I wasn't really putting out a full effort. In other words, column was there.

    Until next time, when I may return with a lengthy column overanalyzing a single wrestling topic to death, I'm Sonic, I mean, Colonic Crud, and you're dubious.

    Colonic Crud

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