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Dan Doomsday




I know, I know, I say this every time, but indulge me people, it's been SO goddamned long.....finally, Dan Doomsday HAS COME BACK TO THE WEB!!

That's right, folks, this is the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, the Pride of 2Dope, the SEMI-GRAND SHIT DISTURBER TRIPLE D, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, and I am BACK...and I am BACK IN BLACK! (That's 5 specific wrestler references, 4 WWF, 1 WCW for those of you keeping score at home). Now, a bunch of you may be wondering where I was for so long, and why I decided to come back when I did. I'll get to why I was gone in just a bit, but as for why I came back...I think I dropped off a bit after Hyatte did, and when Hyatte posted his most recent Mop-Up, I said to myself, "Self, get off your ass and write a goddamned column! Oh, and STOP RIPPING OFF FREAKBOY!!"

So, here I am, back and ready to bring you another edition of the most electrifying column in sport's entertainment today, the DEVICE, right after a new and improved EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT. Whereas the old E.B. had nothing to do with wrestling, the E.B. will contain little thoughts I've had on wrestling not related to this week's column, as well as gloating about the Lakers and all those other things I usually do. Cool? OK...

LAKERS UPDATE: 15 in a row, baby!! Portland can kiss my ass, and so can Sacramento, except for Chris Webber, because he's scoring me huge points in Virtual GM.

HARDY VS. RIOS: Arguably one of the best matches the WWF has put on Smackdown since its debut. That was the kind of match (with the exception of the screwy ending) that made me a wrestling fan in the first place. Not to say that I don't appreciate great storylines (unlike other wrestling writers...coughherbkunzecough), but the first wrestling matches I remember going absolutely nuts over were Rockers vs. Haku/Barbarian at WM7 and Pillman vs. Liger at Superbrawl 2, and that's the way I look at wrestling. Rios and Hardy knocked me on my ass with some of those moves on Smackdown, especially Essa's somersault plancha to the floor. Long live Essa's push!

OTHER COLUMNISTS: The more things change, the more they stay the same...when I started this gig, Hyatte was a god on Scoops, Shannon was leading the fight of the nWWWo, and CRZ was recapping for Wrestlemaniacs. Hyatte and Shannon hated each other, CRZ and Shannon weren't very buddy buddy, and Hyatte and CRZ maintained a professional respect. Fast forward a year and a half, and Hyatte's on ScoopThis, Shannon's on Rantsylvania, and CRZ's running [slash] and writing for Wrestleline. Oh, and the same relationship still exists among the three writers in question. Let's clear this up: Shannon is a snooty pseudo-intellectual who makes some good points every now and then. Hyatte is a fun read who, unfortunately, rarely shares his real opinions, masking them with cynicism instead. He also often shows himself to be completely lacking in taste, case in point his recent comment about Petrie's father. CRZ is the best recapper on the net, but could probably stand to be a bit more clear about what he likes, rather than just making a shitload of sarcastic comments about what he doesn't like. OK? Happy now? Good.

SUPER TUESDAY: This will be my first vote ever, and I am a proud supporter of Senator McCain, which is to say that he will get my vote. In the words of Owen Hart, may he rest in peace, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!"

ALBUM OF THE WEEK: Van Halen LIVE - Right Here, Right Now. While I wonder about all of these rumors of Dave's return, I'm enjoying this live double disc from the Sammy era...all the Sammy classics are here, not to mention some a little of the Dave material also, and a rockin' cover of the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again."

Okay, that's enough, it's time for the Device, and basically, this column is about the one universal truth I have gleaned from my 9 years as a wrestling fan. In this business, ladies and gentlemen...

You Gotta Have Heart (and/or Hart)
    "You know, I remember a time when things were a lot more fun around here,
    When good was good and evil was evil,
    Before things got so...fuzzy"
    -Don Henley
Basically folks, the reason I took a little break was because I wasn't inspired anymore. I didn't feel like there was anything I could write about. With the addition of the Radicals, the WWF is far and away the best it has ever been. The storylines are cooking, the wrestling is the best it's been in the Attitude era, and even the worst the stuff that Vince and company have put us through (the Mae Young experience) isn't nearly as bad as the death and return of the Undertaker, the Ministry of Darkness, or anything like that.

Meanwhile, things down south have gone...well, south. Without the likes of Benoit, Saturn, Guererro, Malenko, Rey, Juvi, and Douglas to bolster the quality of the wrestling, WCW is forced to build compelling story lines. And without Sting, Goldberg, Bret Hart, and Kevin Nash, WCW hasn't been able to compel jackshit. The result has been Sid's WCW title reign, which sucks on the general principle that it involves the words "Sid" and "title reign" in close proximity. And Jeff Jarrett isn't helping things any.

Okay, so the WWF is ruling it and WCW is a lost cause. That's the problem...but what's the answer?? The answer is that WCW needs a shakeup, and a good one. Because things in WCW could still be a lot better than they are, even with the absence of talent. How, I'm not sure, but I know it can be done. The heart of the matter, from where I sit, anyway, is that there's no motivation in WCW anymore. The general sentiment emanating from WCW programming is that the bosses know they can't beat the WWF and have ceased caring. This, in my mind, is just as bad. if not worse, than a given wrestler not bringing his "working boots" on a given night. Honestly, the only time WCW has ever fared well in the comparative ratings was when the man in charge was motivated.

Eric Bischoff, for all you want to say, was motivated. He wanted to redeem himself on a personal level for the way he fucked up the AWA, and he wanted to beat Vince McMahon. Eric Bischoff was a man with ambition. And he achieved, winning those 81 consecutive weeks in the ratings that we keep hearing about. Eventually, though, Eric got complacent and things turned to crap.

Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara, for all you want to say about them, were motivated. They came to WCW with something to prove. They wanted to prove that they could do it without Vince. If the axe had not fallen when it did, I think that they might have brought it out of the gutter. The plug was definitely pulled WAY too soon. I know, I know 20/20 hindsight, bite me.

I seem to get the feeling that Bill Busch could give a shit. He's not a wrestling guy; he's a Turner suit who's interest in WCW is purely business. As a result, he puts things in the hands of guys like Kevin Sullivan and Kevin Nash, so that Sullivan can offend the young talent and drive them out of the company, and Nash can fuck things up six ways from Sunday.

If WCW wants to save itself, the book needs to be given to someone else. The new booker should be a man who knows the wrestling business.

The new booker should be a man who loves wrestling.

The new booker should be a man who hates Vince McMahon with a passion and wants desparately to beat him into the ground.

The new booker should be Bret Hart.

Let's face the facts. You won't find a man in the world who knows more about professional wrestling than Bret Hart. He's been in this business for 20 years. He was with Stampede in the last days of the regional promotions. He was with the WWF through the first Golden Age, and in the lean years that were the "New Generation." He's seen WCW rise, and he's seen WCW fall. Between growing up in the business with his father and his own career, there isn't a single thing in professional wrestling that Bret Hart has never seen. I think he has the necessary experience to know what works and what doesn't. Furthermore, I don't think there is a better judge of talent under WCW contract than Bret Hart. He's watched his father train the likes of Chris Benoit and Ken Shamrock. He's also seen a lot of talent come and go over the years, and he probably has a great sense of where the greatest potential lies.

Most important, though, if you believe what comes out of Bret's mouth (and his pen, for that matter), there is not a single man alive who hates Vince McMahon more than Bret Hart (I say "man" because Mama Doomsday's hatred for Vinnie Mac is immesurable). As deluded as he may be about Montreal (and in all honesty, I don't see how Vince could have proceeded the way Bret says he was supposed to), Bret blames Vince for his dishonorable departure from the WWF. Bret blames Vince McMahon for the death of his brother Owen. Bret also blames Vince for taking professional wrestling so low into the gutter that he can't let his own kids watch in good conscience. I personally believe that there is nothing that would make Bret so happy as to look at a copy of the Nielsens and see WCW's rating higher than that of the WWF.

One last piece of evidence: as you may recall, before the Montreal incident, Bret's contract with the WWF was for 20 years. When I interviewed Kevin Kelly for my radio show Three Count two months before the Montreal incident, he told me that the WWF expected to move Bret into a front office position after his active wrestling career was over. I say that if he's good enough for the WWF, he's more than good enough for WCW. Until next week, I'm Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, thanking you for reading, because READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!! Goodnight, everybody!

Dartmouth Dan Doomsday

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