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Dan Doomsday




And now, it's time for...DOOMSDAY'S CREEK!!

I don't want to wait
For the Artist to get over
I want that gimmick off of my TV
I don't want to wait
For the Artist to get over
Will he be gone or will they be...sorry?

Doo, doo doo doo
Doo, doo doo doo
Doo, doo doo doo doo de-doo

So let us watch Jung Dragons fly
And ditch that Chuck Palumbo guy
You know that if you want to stay alive
The Wall's big push has got to die.

That's right, this is the World's Most Dangerous Columnist, Dartmouth Dan Doomsday making yet ANOTHER return to the world of Internet wrestling journalism, much to the delight of...of...I'll get back to you on that one. In any case this is the Device, the Most Electrifying Column in Sports Entertainment Today.

Wow, has it been so long? Last time I wrote a column, CRZ was still clinging to the hope that his Kings could beat the Lakers (hehehe). Well, make no mistake, I am back, and I am BACK IN...GREEN., and ready to thrill you all with the Device...right after I bore you with EXTRANEOUS BULLSHIT.

DOOMSDAY ON MUSIC: I've been listening to a lot of different stuff...the only new release that I've picked up is the new Oasis CD, Standing On the Shoulders of Giants. Good stuff, very catchy, although I still maintain that they haven't recorded another song nearly as good as "Wonderwall" or "Champagne Supernova." From the collection, I recently pulled out Jon Bon Jovi's solo album, Destination Anywhere. It's a good, smart album, and I'm really looking forward to the entire band getting back together for their CD which is coming out in June.

LAKERS UPDATE: OK, I'll give the Blazers credit for a great game on Monday night...they completely took the Lakers out of their game. But I am firmly of the belief that Phil has a plan, and that the Lakers will come back and win the series before going on to beat the Pacers (or the Knicks) into oblivion.

THE STATE OF WCW: This week is mostly a WWF column, but I feel it necessary to say a few words on the subject of WCW. I'm glad they decided to do something with the title shot that Ric Flair won in that Mick-awful battle royal on Thunder. It shows someone is paying attention to the story. Also, keep your eye on Reid Flair, as I believe he will be the one to properly carry on the family wrestling tradition. It's not great, but it's getting to the point where it's more entertaining than not, and that is progress...there's still some weak spots, especially the overall WRESTLING quality, but the arrival of Lance Storm (and maybe Raven?) could help out a whole lot in that department. They're on their way, but the question still remains...exactly WHERE are they on their way to?

Well, since I already gave away the topic of this week's Device during that bullshit session, I may as well just get on with it. This one's called...

Getting Away With Murder

Nothing that the WWF can do will change the fact that The Rock should have gone over at Wrestlemania. His title victory at Backlash was anticlimactic, to say the least, and I'd be inclined to say that the "heel goes over at Wrestlemania" experiment was a failure. An inexpensive failure, to be sure, but a failure nonetheless.

Nothing that the WWF can do will change the fact that Mick Foley should have retired after No Way Out. His involvement in the Wrestlemania main event was completely pointless, and would only have been excusable had he gone over or bowed out gracefully to the Rock. His post-retirement appearance served only to cheapen what was an excellent retirement match and a great farewell speech.

But neither of these two points changes the fact that the WWF is at its best high of all time at the moment, with regards to story quality, ratings, and (who would have thought) WRESTLING quality. When we think the WWF is bound to screw up, they surprise us in the best possible ways.

Case #1: Triple H goes over at Wrestlemania. We denizens of the Internet let out a collective scream for Vince McMahon's head. We thought that asking fans to pay a grand total of $65 US (or $80 US) to see Triple H get his would turn off large segments of the WWF fanbase. Instead, the Rock gets his victory, and the WWF fans prove that they are indeed the "lemmings" that we had thought them to be for some time.

Case #2: The WWF sets up an Iron Man match between the Rock and Triple H in order to build interest for Judgement Day. Internet insiders insist that the two stars don't have the skill to carry an hour-long match. We go on to predict that the match will turn into an hour-long, interference-laden clusterfuck. Judgement Day comes, and the Internet's judgement proves to be false. Both the Rock and Triple H use the full range of their respective movesets and deliver a high-quality match. Scott Keith proceeds to proclaim, "Triple H is GOD," and if that particular title were not already being shared by Mick Foley, Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat, I might be inclined to agree with him.

Case #3: The Undertaker is sidelined by a pesky series of injuries. While the UT is on the sidelines, the WWF begins to heat up, and without an obvious place for the Undertaker. Bad-ass babyface? Too many faces. McMahon henchman? Been there, done that. Team with Kane? Too low on the totem pole, and kind of boring. So, what can be done? Well, we've finally seen the death of the "be afraid of my tongue" scary Undertaker. Instead, we have the new "American Bad Ass" Undertaker, who was starting to emerge when we last saw the 'Taker back in October. This role fits Mark Calloway well, and it fits the WWF even better. UT will probably settle into a role as a heel, based on the fact that he cost the Rock the WWF Title at Judgement Day. However, he will remain separate from the McMahon-Helmsley Regime/Era/Faction/WHATEVER, which eliminates the possibility of more "Corporate Ministry" bullshit. Where the WWF might have had to turn Rikishi heel to avoid being face-heavy, they are now well balanced.

So, is there ANYTHING the WWF can't handle? I kind of tend to doubt it. Time will tell if Chris Benoit will ever become a marketable main-event heel. I hate to say it, but Benoit, great as he is in the ring, does not have the mic skills to main event as a heel. Other than that, the WWF is set. Best of luck to Bischoff, Russo, Heyman, or anyone else who harbors dreams of unseating the McMahon family business as the top wrestling promotion in the world. Until next week, this has been the Device. I'm Dartmouth Dan Doomsday, reminding you to keep reading, because READING IS FUNDAMENTAL!! Goodnight, everybody!

Dartmouth Dan Doomsday

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