GOODEAR'S WACKY WRESTLING FIESTA
Hey folks and welcome to the first ever installment of Goodear's Wacky Wrestling Fiesta! Yeah, it's a rather terrible name and all but it has a neat old acronym and I've always wanted to get sued by a group that really likes pandas. Anyway, I bet everyone has been dying for me to finally break out the old word skills and write out a big long column about something, anything. I know this because I get the letters each and everyday which say, "XXX All Sex All The Time!" and if you think I will turn down a request like that, you are surely mistaken. So I'm guessing that everyone can guess that no one has ever asked me to write a column based on my brilliant posts on CRZ's Easy board. But I'm not bitter, oh no!
Long story short, people read these columns usually for a couple of different reasons. Maybe they do it for a little bit of humor on an otherwise dreary day. Well if you read my first paragraph, you just know you won't be getting that here. So maybe, I will have all these controversial statement that will bring me much hate mail. Yes that's it.
Have I ever mentioned how much Triple H is holding people back and how The Undertaker refuses to sell the offense of anyone in The Alliance? Those guys are such bastards and I hate them and for all they stand. May they rot in perdition for all their horrible crimes against humanity. Boy, I am wild and crazy now, and no one can stop me. Anyway, I figure I work some Bret Hart jokes in here every once in a while and everyone will have a good old time. Because Bret's bitter about that whole Montreal thing you know. (Whistles to himself.) Well I guess that's enough filler to make it look like I actually put some thought into this thing. So lets move along to what I actually wanted to vent my spleen about.
There is a veritable legion of wrestling fans out there who love to talk about, read about and sing about wrestling but don't get to actually see much of it. I know there is a tremendous legion of these fans, because, well because I can't be the only one. I mean I can stand being a loser who watches wrestling, Saturday morning cartoons, and For Your Love. But I cannot be the only one of those losers who gets by on SmackDown as their sole source of wrestling fun and excitement for the week. I just wouldn't be able to cope with that.
It might sound easy at first to live without the pay-per-views and RAW. You only have to put up with one long Stephanie McMahon promo a week. Usually you get by with only one Nick Patrick as the crooked referee screw job. And you only get half as much Steve Austin saying "What?", which by the way brings the "What?" total down to a rather paltry 1,400 times a week. But imagine the next day, when everyone is talking about how bad the finish to the Austin-Angle matches and you didn't get to see it. Now some people might be thankful that they didn't get to pay $30 to see a lousy finish. But not me! I want to see every Chris Jericho blown spot, every Undertaker squash, and every time Angle bleeds... on purpose even. Yet because of situations beyond my control, those being that I don't want to pay for cable or pay-per-views, I am denied access to the excitement. So then, the next day, I come onto the CRZ board to see what everyone was thinking and saying about the event. And the talking is going this way and that way, about how much this stunk or how awesome was that, and I am powerless to reply for I haven't seen the event in question. People who can't walk or talk or go to the bathroom might think they are disadvantaged, but they don't understand real pain, my pain. Oh, woe is Goodear. Yet I yearn to be included into not only the chit but also the chat involved in reacting to shows I didn't even see in the first place.
But wait! Perhaps I could post on the board, and go still go undetected as a cheap bastard who won't pony up a few dollars a month to support his sports entertainment. By agreeing with everything I see and simply chiming in with agreement, I'll be able to add to my, albeit invisible, post count and look somewhat intelligent while doing so. Aha! Indeed a double word score and a completely victimless crime. But you can't just go in all willy-nilly and expect to not get caught. Now some might think that all you would need to do would be to take a poll of the majority and agree with whatever they might have to say. Now while that might be the safe way to do things, real men and women with lots of body hair and those musky smells know better. There are a couple things you can do to make your ruse all the more cunning and evil.
First off, you should pick out a favorite wrestler and champion his cause no matter how silly it makes you look. I would recommend someone who is kind of good, but not so good everyone really likes him. That way, you can memorable and still look kind of thoughtful. So lets say you pick out Mark Jyndrak. Now Jyndrak's had some good matches but has never really set the world on fire. But to you, Jyndrak has now become the Messiah, he can do no wrong, you will champion the cause of Mark Jyndrak long and hard until everyone else is so sick and tired of your rambling that they want you to develop carpal tunnel syndrome. But now, you are "That Mark Jyndrak Guy" and will be known across not just your town but also the entire world. Not only does this make you look totally insane, it also makes what actually happens totally meaningless, because you love Mark Jyndrak! You don't need to see a damn thing anymore, and isn't that what its all about?
But wait, Mark Jyndrak wasn't at SummerSlam or RAW or what have you, so how can I champion his cause? Well Smokey that's the greatest thing of all! Why you ask? Because you can say, "Why did they waste 6 minutes on X-Pac when Jyndrak isn't doing anything? I am full of righteous indignation!" And who's going to complain that they aren't seeing too much X-Pac? Lunatics, that's who. You are completely clear of all suspicion.
Now, if you're feeling extra uppity, you can always do the opposite and pick a wrestler that you can place the hate on each and every time they show their ugly faces. And who doesn't love that? And then, when someone asks, "Why do you hate Jeff Hardy so much?" You can just use gross generalizations that have nothing to do with that specific match, once again making you look knowledgeable without actually having specific information.
The other keys are to hate anything that isn't actually wrestling or any match that ends with a disqualification. Because everyone knows that those things never did anyone any good.
So there you have it a foolproof plan to talk about things you haven't even seen and still seem bright as a cartoon light bulb over Bug Bunny's head. I was your host, Mark Goodhart, because the truth is out there, and we're all in here.