MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!
The J-Mann's weekly puro wrestling report
Hey everybody, welcome back to the MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!...The anniversary special! It's not like I've been writing for the [slash] for too long (since around November, I believe, but it's hard to remember, due to the two long hiatuses I've taken from writing), but I've been a visitor since around the beginning. So, without further adieu, Christopher Robin Zimmerman, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
...Not. I'm not going to go profiling CRZ, I'll just stick with the usual praise I give him. CRZ is the best recapper on the 'net, BAR NONE. All the assholes who write stuff like, "u r a biased loser get laid and maybe u'll do a beter job. give me the nitro recaps if u dont like nitro," are COMPLETE morons. Yes, CRZ is BIASED. Here's a quote from the Zed himself:
"RANDOM RANT: A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that I am some sort of journalist. I am not. I ceased to be a journalist when my high school journalism teacher decided that I wasn't liberal enough to have a future in journalism (well, I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I can see what a bleedin' heart he was and what a Libertarian I was and retroactively put 2 and 2 together). So, even though I'm acquainted with the whole doctrine, I don't simply report, because it would bore me. It would probably bore you too (no, I mean even MORE than it normally does). I am *biased*. I go out of my way to show you my ugly biases EVERY WEEK. STOP bitching about it. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but you have to use a SMIDGEN of intelligence to explain your side to me - you are practically a complete stranger to me, why the FUCK would you insult me out of the blue? I don't insult YOU. So...well, I didn't have a point really, but STOP asking me to quit. I ain't quitting, Rick and Mike don't want me to quit (I think), and there are a hell of a lot more readers out there that LIKE what I'm doing than not. You don't believe me, YOU go take a poll - *I* don't have to. You get this crap every week for FREE (less the microsecond it takes to glance at an incredibly annoying ad banner at the top), you don't have any right to complain, and if it's THAT bad, go find another report to read, or don't miss the shows, or just be patient and wait until the shows come on in your country, but don't bitch to ME because you don't like my style. Have a raspberry. Thbbbbbbbbbbpht."
There. That sums it up perfectly. I'd like to invite you to read CRZ's 1999, 2000 year in quotes, as it will really help add to your appreciation of Zimmerman. Here's another funny quote:
"My friends, *Hell* is watching THIS crap take place before my eyes. I should note that Paul has been brandishing a dagger in a Freudian manner. Undertaker walks over to Knight and starts chanting as if he were about to embalm him ... oh, SHIT, he's slitting his wrist. I do not want to see this. There's lotsa - blood? which drips into a Gangrel-lookin' goblet. "Bullshit" chant from crowd, that's right. 'From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight - you are Minion! Now drink.'
The funny thing about it is this: At least CRZ is not TOTALLY biased...and I paid $40 to see this crap. Yep, I was at that RAW...My section (specifically me and three friends, then the rest of our section joined in) started the "bullshit" chant...I was sure CRZ would appreciate it. :)
So, to close out CRZ praise: Rock on, brotha! And listen to some Bad Religion!
So, now we head on to some WRESTLING! Let's see what happened:
RANDOM CRZ QUOTE: "'No, child - don't be scared - I came out here to see what you got.' Sable kinda warms up to this and starts le Grind again - Undertaker grabs her by the throat. YEAH! KILL HER! Oops.
I'm just about out of ideas for this week's column, so I'll cut it short right here and come back with another one very soon. Until then, enjoy summer!
"J-Mann" Josh Haggard