THE MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!
I'm back! Sorry for not having a column in a while (not like YOU care), I've been having some trouble with my cable modem provider for my upstairs computer. I'm reduced to using the crappy family computer (mit cable modem access, but still slow), and I haven't found time to write something for the [slash].
So, as you may or may not know, I now write for ShootAngle. It was the strangest day...everything seemed to be going right. I tuned into WCW Live and my question (not a phone question, rather an e-mail...of course, they didn't say who sent it, but it was my wording) was used in the Johnny Ace interview...then, I found out World Series Baseball 2K1 for the Dreamcast was shipped and that I'd be receiving it earlier than expected, THEN I get an e-mail from Paul Miller of ShootAngle, asking if I'd like to write for them. Needless to say, being a crappy writer on a second-rate website, I jumped at the opportunity. ;)
By the way, I've seen a lot of comments that WSB2K1 sucks...WRONG. It's just hard...and it would be nice to be able to turn off automatic fielding. A Home Run Derby would've been nice, but I'm not one to complain. The graphics are awesome, and the gameplay is realistic; it's hard to win with the Astros, after all. Enough mindless opening notes, let's get on to the...wait, I feel the need for an:
ORACLES UPDATE: 4-7, *** 1/2 Average Match Rating, 4 match winning streak, and the NEWWWWW OWF International Champion! Who's your daddy? Oh yeah, kudos to Massa T for letting me mooch off of him...free domain name (well, he's paying for it), 120 MB webspace (plenty), and some other nifty stuff.
Let's NOW get past the opening notes and move on to the column. Three parts today: Edge and Christian: Why they RULE (yeah they do! *high-five*), Why Mark Madden is a fat pigfucker (Part I), and why Booker T. has almost been made into a joke of a champion.
PART 1: Edge and Christian
Why am I such an Edge and Christian mark? I don't know, really. They're extremely funny, talented, and have breathed new life into the tag team division, being cowardly heel tag champs, and all. I've been a mark for them since their WWF beginnings, really. I loved the Brood. I don't know why. Was it their SWEET entrance music? The even SWEETER intro, with the burning ring o' far and such? Was it the fact that they were heels, but could never quite get over that way? I don't know. Let's look at the history.
They did this on Heat. I had the privilege of seeing the trio in their first match together, in my first live Raw ever, on November 2nd, 1998, in Houston, TX, against Degeneration X (the Outlaws and X-Pac). This was a night of multiple crappy endings, with Kane interfering in JUST ABOUT EVERY GOD DAMN MATCH. I didn't mind it so much at the time, because his entrance was ultra cool live. They fight with just about no-one [Christian wins the Light-Heavyweight title somewhere in here, defeating the great TAKA Michinoku, then losing it to Duane Gill(berg)]...More history:
The Brood does their evil bit...blah. Then Ken Shamrock goes and puts the Ankle Lock on poor Christian (that SO reeked of heinousity), Christian gives up the location of Steph BEAR~!, and is tortured by the Ministry for it. Edge and Gangrel make the save, and the Brood breaks away from the Ministry...even MORE history:
One of my absolute favorite Brood moments was when Gangrel beat Jeff Jarrett when Edge and Christian interfered while Debra was showing off her *ahem* goods. Debra was attending to Double J when Edge did his little crawl thing over to Debra and flashed that evil smile. I laughed. That RULED! "Yeah it did!" *high-five*
Conclusion: Edge and Christian RULE!
Afterthought: I've heard of a New New Brood forming with Gangrel and some other guy...dollars to donuts says that'll fail.
PART 2: Mark Madden
I started writing this during the Nitro replay, after the Viagra-on-a-Pole match. Let's face it folks, Mark Madden SUCKS. Not only does he suck, he blows, swallows, and takes it up the ass as far as his commentary goes. His moniker, "the best looking big man on TV", is a crock, and he is as well. His commentary during the match was piss-poor. I mean, let's look at some of the stuff he said. "I remember when guys like Verne Gagne, Lou Thesz, Giant Baba, Antonio Inoki, Jumbo Tsuruta, and Johnny Ace had these types of matches, all because they needed it." First of all, Johnny Ace ain't that old, Madden. Mid/Late 30's isn't too shabby...second of all, the joke COULD'VE been funny, had you not pissed all over a couple of dead legends like Baba and Tsuruta. I'll admit to have never liked Baba's matches, but he made AJPW, and deserves legendary status. He claimed it wasn't the first Viagra on a Pole match in history, then he CONTINUED THE STUPID FUCKING DYING JOKE THE REST OF THE DAMN MATCH. Had he SHUT THE HELL UP about it after the first stupid sentence out of his mouth, I could've lived with it. But NOOOO, he has to be the stupid bastard we've come to know him as, and continue to drive the joke RIGHT INTO THE DAMN GROUND. Schiavone told him to shut up while laughing, sounding comical...but I'll bet he was 100% serious. I swear, I don't think ANYONE likes Madden, not even his colleagues.
SAD BUT TRUE QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Up next, a Women's Hardcore Match. You heard that right. This is Nitro!" - Tony Schiavone, 31.7.00 Nitro
Conclusion: Madden is a sorry piece of trash announcer, and to even have the words "Mark", "Madden", "Gordon", and "Solie" in the same sentence is a shame. GIVE ME HEENAN OR GIVE ME DEATH!...oh yeah, Madden pissed CRZ off, therefore he sucks. ;)
Afterthought: Madden still sucks.
PART 3: Booker T.
Is Booker T. becoming a joke of a champion? I would say so. Don't get me wrong, he's a great wrestler, an above average mic worker (though his "save the drama for yo mama" is fairly weak), and he's a VERY deserving champion...though 8 years in WCW is a stretch. I think it'd be more like 5, but I'm not sure. I remember him and Stevie debuting with Sister/Sensational/Sensual/Whatever Sherri in '94 or '95...but I could be wrong. Anyway, let's look at the facts:
Rough title reign for Booker, eh? Eh. Will he job at New Blood Rising? Fush no. WCW doesn't have the balls, to just have him keep the belt for a month. This is the new new new new new NEW WCW...they wouldn't do that...right?
After-thoughts: I think the only reason that keeps me watching Nitro anymore is Lance Storm. Go Lance! THREE belts! The Canadian Heavyweight Title (AKA United States Title), the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title (AKA S.H.I.T.), and the yet-to-be-named Cruiserweight Title. All he needs is the TV Title (I'll bet he could dig that out of storage), the Tag Titles (he could bring back Bret Hart...if he wants to be back), and the World Title (good luck on that one).
The Goodfather is cool...though, when I pictured the Godfather turning heel, I pictured him using his real name, James Harris (I THINK that's his real name...I'm too lazy to check). Here's what I'm waiting for him to say: "I want you to light it up for the Goodfather and SAYYYYY: 'Degrading Women is WRONG!'
Hell, I'd like it. At least Stevie Richards is getting over.
I'll close out the column with a new addition...I'm hoping it'll be a regular part of the column...but, knowing my stupid ass, I'll probably forget about it in a week. Until next week, I'm Josh Haggard, and I'll leave you with this:
THE PERSON WHO I'D MOST LIKE TO SEE RECEIVE A BURNING HAMMER FROM KOBASHI OF THE WEEK:
Michael Cole, receiving 1% of the vote.