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Josh Haggard




Allright, so let's get to this. I am the J-Mann, El Joshito, waste of oxygen, and your Paragon of Virtue (hey, Jericho doesn't use it anymore, so it's MINE, MINE, ALL MINE!), that's right children, I am Josh Haggard, and until I can think of some catchy title with puroresu in it, this is the MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER!!!! (Thanks to the No Respect Posters...If SeeOurZed would be so kind, give 'em a link!

So, let's catch up on things, shall we? Good.

  • The WWF should be praised for giving us a 15 minute match between Jericho and Benoit.

  • Vince Russo and Eric Bischoff should be shot for even THINKING about giving David friggin' Arquette the WCW Title.

  • Paul Heyman is a genius, though I would've liked to see the Dudleys kick some Impact Player ass.

  • Misawa isn't the greatest booker in the world, is he? (And only a select few puro heads will know what the hell I'm talking about.)

    Now, to the meat (and that is NOT a Shawn Stasiak pun) of the column:

    WWF Crap:
    Soooo...They gave The Rock the belt. Damn. I'm sorry folks, but I CAN'T STAND The Rock. You'll hear a lot about that in my future columns, but, I mean, the guy has a couple of catchphrases and a really stupid elbow, and the crowd pops like Jesus Christ was walking down to the ring (with all apologies to Hyatte). I swear.

    Turn Jericho heel. I mean it. Do it now or feel my wrath. I'm listening to Jericho's debut in the Countdown to Millennium Raw, and it was so cool how he received a giant pop and then got monster heel heat. Just don't put him with Curtis Hughes. CURTIS F'N HUGHES!!!

    Edge and Christian rule. I was a huge mark for the Brood, and now I'm a mark for their primadonna attitude. "Wash that ass off my face!"...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

    WCW Crap:
    I'll try not to piss any WCW fans off here. I'm what you would call a "New age Wrestling Purist," which means I think titles mean something besides angle advancement, unless someone I mark out for wins the belt (*coughJerichocough*). Giving David Arquette the belt is not something I would be proud of. I bought a damaged, half price WCW belt from (Oh, blessed be the children we, who give links to those who, uh...flee? CRZ, if you don't mind, a little linkage, save the dozens and dozens of my fans from my pathetic poetry...), and I figured if they'd give the belt to David Arquette, surely they'd give me the belt.

    The New Blood shirt rules, as does Kidman. I swear, I think Kidman is one of the only guys I like in WCW...Let's see...Booker T, Scott Steiner (except for his mic work), uh...Vampiro, Sting, Ric Flair, and of course, David Arquette! *coughBULLSHITcough*. Excuse me, I seem to have come down with a bug...The love bug!! AHAHAHAHA...I kill me.

    ECW Crap:
    I REALLY hate the ECW timeslot. I always forget about it, and I kick myself for missing it. I love ECW, but it's such a pain to remember to watch. Of course, the cable is out in my room, so that's an added inconvenience, plus, I'm tired from a week's work of school.

    JUSTIN CREDIBLE! Go Aldo! Sure beats having a jockstrap on your head, eh? Or doing motion capturing for possibly the worst wrestling game ever made, WWF Warzone (no, wait, I forgot about WCW Mayhem. <<>>) Anyway, I'm glad they gave him the belt. I don't think there could've been a better selection for champ, especially since the man from "Caaaaaalgary, Alberta, Caaaaanada," Lance Storm, looks to be jumping ship to WCW. I take that back...I think Raven would've made a HELL of a champ.

    For the love of God, let Jerry Lynn actually go over on RVD! Please? I mean, come on, he should've won a match back when the TV title was up for grabs, but now, it's RVD's return match...Which basically kills Lynn winning. Ick. Let me quote the No Respect Posters once again, this time in their parody of "No Sex In The Champagne Room" by Chris Rock: "If you've been wrestling a guy for three months, and you haven't won a match yet...He is not your rival."

    AJPW Notes:
    Allright, this is the puroresu portion of the column, so let me steal from Patrick Barker when I say /PAY ATTENTION!!!!! Here's my short and sweet list of why Japanese wrestling is SOOOO much better than American wrestling:

  • Longer matches
  • Better matches
  • Better workers
  • Killer moves
  • Logical booking (well, until Misawa took over for the late Giant Baba)
  • (This needs a slash) /HEAD DROPPING!
  • Five words: Mitsuharu Misawa versus Toshiaki Kawada.
  • Belts that mean something besides an angle advancement.
  • NO RUN-INS! (CRZ, can I get a witness from the congregation? [You don't think I'm actually READING this column, do you? - CRZ])

    Anyways, here's the deal with champions: Kenta Kobashi is the current AJPW Triple Crown champ. This is the most prestigious belt in the world. He won it from Vader (that's right, the same guy who was oh-so unfairly jobbed to guys like Marc Mero). He has a variety of nifty moves, including the Orange Crush (Suplex into a Powerbomb), MOTHERF***ING BURNING HAMMER (Very sick looking Reverse Death Valley Driver), and the infamous Powerbomb onto the turnbuckle (concussion!).

    The World Tag Titles are vacant; Dr. Death and Vader were champs but Vader got his arm broken, so they've been held up for a tournament. I'm hoping the Movement (Johnny Ace and Mike Barton, formerly known as Bart Gunn) wins, but it'll probably end up being Misawa and Ogawa or some other Japs...So sue me.

    The All Asia Tag Titles are held by Tamon Honda and Masao Inoue. They suck. I hope they don't keep the belts too much longer now, as they are a comedic team that has almost no talent. We're talking MEAN STREET POSSE talent, here.

    Let's close this out. I'm tired and my Espresso rush is gone. What have we learned today?

  • Japanese wrestling is better than American wrestling.
  • Jericho rules.
  • Benoit rules.
  • Russo and Bischoff suck major ass.
  • Ric Flair is old and has tits.
  • Benoit rules.
  • Heyman is still a genius.
  • I just got an e-mail and it had better NOT be the love bug virus.
  • Jericho rules.

    Read Patrick Barker's tape reviews and such. He says that we're parallels, and I'm not ashamed to say that I've stolen some writing techniques of his. He's an excellent writer, and a good friend, and he passed his driving test...Congrats, Pat!

    Read Chris Hyatte's stuff, too. Read CRZ for his dry, subtle humor and his EXTREMELY accurate reports, and then read Hyatte's Mop-Ups for the sheer comedic value. Read the Mop-ups EVERY WEEK at (Malaka linkage, brotha my man, CRZ). Read him or die. Trust me. Just don't send him hate mail, or he'll tear you a new one, *coughSeanShannoncough*. Oh, here we go again. *coughSlymmcough*. I'm also not ashamed to say that I am a huge Hyatte mark, and I steal a lot of his crap, too. For instance: Patterson is gay...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Oh yeah, one more thing: I am your Paragon of virtue.

    "J-Mann" Josh Haggard
    Why do the Houston Astros suck this year?
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  • BLAH


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    Guest column text copyright (C) 1999 by the individual author and used with permission