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Matt Hocking




So, NOBODY liked Raw, right? Right. How can we change that? Oh, wait, we can't. Bu surely we can see some positive in there, right? The following is my account of how I would have booked this Monday's RAW using the (general) storylines and matches already set up for me by the WWE.

(This is for Satirical purposes only. I still don't like Fantasy Booking. The only person who would have wanted to have seen these things done this way is me. These are worse angles than the WWE is putting out, but at least they're funny. Kinda...)

Triple H and Ric Flair come out to do an interview. HHH says that he's got a video tape that will blow this whole case of Kane and Katie Vick wide open. Unfortunately, Ric Flair forgot it in the rental car in Montreal. Thankfully for Hunter, and I'm sure the audience, Ric had another copy. Triple H warns the parents to put their kids to bed because this is WAY worse than letting them buy Grand Theft BMX XXX 3!

The Hurricane runs down and attacks Ric Flair. Flair blades. HHH doesn't sell for Hurricane, but instead pulls out his Sledgehammer and swings it at Hurricane. Gregory thinks quick on his feet and blocks the sledge shot with the videotape, crushing it. HHH pedigrees Hurricane, but is devastated at the loss of the tape.

(Ad break)

When we come back, Jerry Lawler is devastated that he won't get to see any necrofilia and JR is pissed that HHH is calling Kane a murderer. They both refuse to discuss the next match.

Jeff Hardy v. Chris Nowinski

They put on an ok match back and forth when suddenly Al Snow runs down. But who will he help? First it seems as though he's helping Jeff Hardy by yelling at Nowinski, but then Jeff blows a spot and Al attacks him, puts him in an arm bar, and yells at him for endangering Chris' life and his own. He then tells Jeff that sadly, he's cut. Jeff is confused because he CAN'T be cut, and Nowinski uses this distraction to hit the Harvard slam and get the victory. Lawler says "Semen".

Stacy Kiebler asks Eric Bischoff if she can referee a match. Eric says sure, whatever, because Stacy is a tertiary character only good for Bra and Panties matchups. Big Show comes in and eats Eric's fruit tray (not the fruit, the tray). Bischoff is so pissed that he books Show in a match with Rosie, Jamal, and Rico. Show is like "Whatever dude, Jamal and Rosie are being punished for hurting Paterson, and Rico is cannon fodder." Bischoff is sad that Show saw through his ruse.


Tommy Dreamer asks Al Snow if Al had heard if there would be any wrestling on the show tonight. Al tells the camera in a confessional that he didn't think that Tommy had any heart. Tommy challenges Al to a match so that there will be more wrestling on the show, but it's an ECW style Singapore cane match, so it doesn't count. Chris Nowinski enters and says that Al should never have cut him from TE 1, because Maven is still out from his injury, but look how Chris came back only a few weeks later. "Looks like Maven wasn't Tough Enough after all." Nobody mentions Jackie Gayda.

Lance Storm and William Regal v. Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley

J.R. brings up May Young in reference to the time she got put through the table by Bubba, and reminds the audience of the time she gave birth to a hand. Lawler works "Hymen" and HLA into the conversation. Lance Storm is serious for a minute. Then he starts telling jokes. Spike gets a fluke pin on Regal, but Regal gets his revenge by hitting both Bubba and Spike after the match. Lance Storm cries because his stupid tights mean that he's not getting pushed.

(Ad break)

Trish Stratus is doing a photo shoot for WWE Divas Back Stage (coming soon to news stands near you) when she is interrupted by Chris Jericho and Christian who wonder if she wouldn't mind forming a stable of blonde Canadians with belts. Christian spoils the plan however when he recounts the time that Trish almost got pushed because she was totally almost sleeping with HHH, but then Stephanie caught them. Chris Jericho hits on Trish. Lawler finds some way to work "Hymen" into this segment.

Eric Bischoff comes out to unveil his greatest creation yet! The Elimination Chamber. Nobody knows what the hell that is, including Bischoff because the writers forgot to tell him. So he just stands there until they cut to commercial.

(ad break)

D'Lo Brown v. Test with Special guest ref: Stacy! Everyone's all surprised because no one is supposed to know that Stacy is dating Test. J.R. makes a big point to note that Test is wearing new tights and that is why this match was booked. Nobody mentions poor D'Lo throughout the entire match. D'Lo makes a "Classic Comeback" but without the Coach there to share it with him, it's not the same, so Test pins him with help from Stacy. Stacy and Test make out, and the crowd is all confused, because Test is a dork.

Victoria is in for an interview with Teri but is rudely interrupted by Goldust who saw Teri and thought that it was 1997 all over again, and that she was still Marlena. Booker T comes in to break up the tedium of the segment, but he just seems hungry. Better get him some Hungry Man!

Booker/Goldust/Trish v. Chris Jericho/Christian/Victoria

Lawler works "Hymen", "Puppies", and "HLA" into the commentary. J.R. is too distracted by the producers in his ear telling him to remind viewers that they'll never see necrofilia on "Everybody Loves Raymond" to call the match. It's a good match because there are three Canadians in it. Chris Jericho uses the Walls of Jericho to make Trish tap out, because he's the king of the world. Booker T is sad, because he's not sure whether or not he can do the Spineroonie even though they lost the match.

Triple H is backstage saying that thankfully, Stephanie was able to smuggle the tape across the Canadian border between her breasts and that they'll play it tonight. The viewers are confused because Stephanie and HHH are broken up and Stephanie is on Smackdown.

Coach takes time off from teaching Lita how to announce to say hello to HHH. HHH says role the tape:

Triple Kane is obviously HHH in disguise. Though the tape says '92, he's cleverly wearing a WWE Kane shirt, and everybody knows that it was the WWF back then. Triple Kane whispers sweet nothings into the casket, as Ric Flair wanders over and asks him where the rest room is. HHH is all mad because Flair wasn't at the funeral home when Kane raped Katie. Flair runs away. HHH goes back to whispering sweet nothings into Katie's ear. Then he climbs up onto the casket, but it can't support his muscles, so it falls over and a mannequin that looks like Katie Vick falls out! Oh, no! HHH is exposed! He tries to cover it up by yelling, "How dare you deny me, Katie! I am The Game! I am that Damn Good!" but then realizes his error and says that "I mean, I am Kane! I am that Damn Burnt!" A bouquet of flowers starts on fire because this was back when Kane still had powers. HHH grabs some "Brains" and says "I guess I really Am the Cerebral Assassin" before realizing, again, that he's Kane and not HHH. So he grabs some teeth and says "I guess I really am the Mad Dentist!"

After the tape HHH looks confused and says that maybe they shouldn't have played that tape after all, because it wasn't very incriminating. Then he makes Coach do a dance to save the segment.

The camera is on Teri for no reason and they just kind of sit there for a few minutes until the next ad break. Jerry Lawler says "Puppies".


Al Snow v. Tommy Dreamer

They have a sword fight and Al wins. But then Christopher Nowinski comes down and swings the cane and hits Al. Did he mean to hit Tommy Dreamer? Who knows? Find out next week. Jerry Lawler manages to sneak a "Hymen" into the match, but he could have meant "Heyman".

(ad break) Big Show v. Jamal/Rosie/Rico

Big Show laughs because he finally found three guts who are bigger jobbers than him. Rico gets some offense in because he beat Ric Flair. You can tell Pat Paterson booked this match because Jamal and Rosie both have their shoulders separated. (ads)

Coach can't spend any quality time with Lita because Show wants some mic time. Bischoff realizes that this is a bad idea and trades him to Smackdown for the Traci/Undertaker storyline and some Velocity wrestlers to be named later. Big Show is relieved that he wasn't traded for his weight in cruiserweights, because that'd be, like, all of them. Then who would bump for the Big Show?

Shawn Michaels gets pissed off because a camera crew is invading his nice meal. Oh, no he's at WWE The World for an interview, and he's pissed off with love for his Savior Jesus Christ. Reverend D-Von makes a rare RAW appearance and faith heals him, and then Shawn Michaels dances. This has something to do with HHH.


Rob Van Dam/Kane v. HHH/Ric Flair

Ric Flair tries to do the Five Star Frog Splash but he can't remember how to do it because he's old and he just kind of stalls. Jim Ross says that he's never done that move in 20 years, but really, the Five Star Frog Splash hasn't been around THAT long. HHH and Flair work over RVD for a few hours (cutting into CSI, OH NO!) while JR and Lawler talk about "HLA" and "Semen". JR calls HHH the Yin to Kane's Yang, and the audience laughs because that was the name of some Pandas at a zoo. Maybe. Kane is a House a' Fire, which is part of his gimmick, but everyone is so bored with this match that they miss RVD hitting Flair with the Frog Splash and showing the old man how it's done.

Meanwhile, in the parking lot, Hurricane readies the Hurri-Rental Car for some Hurri-Hijinx. But as soon as HHH and Kane brawl towards him he runs away, because he's a cruiserweight. They brawl on the car for a while, and somehow D'Lo ends up going through the windshield. Kane throws HHH in the trunk and starts to drive off, but HHH accidentally opens the trunk and jumps out. He points to his head because he's the "Cerebral Assassin" and he can get out of this situation. Kane backs over HHH.

NEXT WEEK: Did Kane have sex with HHH's dead body?

Matt Hocking
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