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The ICONoclasmic Smackdown Report for 3/16/2K

Here's the deal: I feel like recapping this show, so I'm doing it. You may find this hard to believe, but I have never seen an entire episode of Smackdown before. I live in Canada with basic cable <insert pity here>. I watched and taped Smackdown at my friend Matt's house (where he has digital cable and like 250 channels including the Playboy Channel, the lucky bastard) so to commemorate the occasion, I'm doing a recap. I wish that I had one of those mini-recording things so that I could tape and transcribe what Matt and I say as we watch it. Sometimes I miss half of a match because I'm laughing so damn hard. Once I get one, I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE that I will be doing PPV recaps. Our one for the Royal Rumble would have KICKED ASS.

Oh yeah, I'm also doing a Smackdown recap to spite Scott Keith. :)

On with the show...

Opening package shows how close the Rock was to having his career end on Raw <snicker>. I think the ratings proved that not many people bought that, as there was no increase in viewership. The Coaliton brings out midgets. Rocky and the Coalition agree to the match terms. Rocky is almost screwed by a biased referee until Vinnie Mac returns, Tank Abbotts his son-in-law and KOs his son in order to put Rocky in the WM2K main event. Jeez, you'd think Meltzer wrote that last sentence for its run-on-edness.

Opening montage shows only one shot of the Hardyz, as opposed to the roughly 500 images of them crazy mofos in the Raw opening. I also REALLY HATE the theme music for this show. Maybe it's because I heard it for 12 hours straight while playing the PS game. At any rate "Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, UH!" aren't good lyrics for ANY song. That's worse than Alanis' lyrics even.

Taped from Uniondale, NY.

That is some sweet-ass pyro. It sounds like that time when we landed on the beach in Korea.......sorry....channeling old veterans again.

Michael Cole and Jerry "Old Dirty Bastard" Lawler are your hosts. Shit. I forgot that that hyperbolic little pissant was on this show. Oh well.

Well it's the Big Show and his sneering little buddy Shane for our opening interview. Shane shows clips from Raw where Rocky said that if he wins that he's in the main event at WM. He says nothing about the Big Show losing HIS spot. I sensed that loophole coming when JR said on Raw that TBS had "nothing to lose" in the match. Apparently it's a Triple Threat match at WM. Goddammit. Is that chick I met at Front 54 that one time booking this? Quit fucking teasing and give us what we want, beeeyotch! Jeez. NOTHING other than Rocky v HHH will suffice for the real Big Show. The cries of dying seagulls means that HHH and Steph H are out to chime in with their two cents. HHH's promo is off tonight. He must have got a book of clichés as a gift recently or something, as he calls TBS a "freak of nature" and says that if he loses at WM it would be "natural disaster". I hope that's not foreshadowing Tenta or Ottman showing up <shudder>. Steph takes the mic and gives her usual annoying promo. She's really good as a heel with her whore-with-a-heart-of-coal facial expressions, but she should NEVER cut a promo. Shane calls her a <muted> and she goes to slap him. He blocks, HHH jumps in to retort physically, and then TBS jumps in to do likewise. Just then, No Chance In Hell heralds the arrival of Vinnie Mac. He says that watching Shane and Steph argue is like watching "a bad soap opera". That made me laugh. Not only because of Vince's deadpan delivery of a line dripping with as much irony as that one, but also because it made me think of Vince Russo. Who's "over" now Vinnie Ru? Heh, heh. He talks about how his snotty little kids have been ruining the business in his absence by running out Mick Foley (big "Foley!" chant and hometown pop for that) and trying to run out the Rock. Vince says that he returned to stop his company from sliding into the gutter. Each participant in the WM main event will have a McMahon in their corner. Shit, what is this segment missing? Oh yeah: CLIPBOARD BOOKING! Shane books Rocky with Kane for tonight. Steph books TBS with Rikishi, as the camera shows a hilarious sign in the crowd of Rikishi's ass with moveable butt-smacking action. That's funny, but the real deal is not. Vince decides that since his daughter is a slut, he will book HHH with the Godfather. Someday I hope to call my daughter a "ho" on national TV, if I ever meet her...or find out if she even exists or that suit is all in thast bitch's head...oops, sorry 'bout that :) I'm kidding anyway. Vince growls out "HOOOOOOO TRAIN!" in reference to where Steph might find herself tonight. Vinnie using that constipated growl of his to say *that* makes me laugh.

World Tag Team Title Match: Edge & Christian v The Dudley Boyz (C)

Isn't this supposed to be a match at WM? Why on earth are they doing it here then? The only thing wrong with the WWF is that they try to be too cutesy with their booking sometimes. They show a replay of Buh Buh Ray's powerbomb of Mae Young through a table on Raw. It's nice of them to do that considering that the TSN Gestapo saw to it that it was never aired in Canada. Well guess what?: I've seen it and I don't have the sudden urge to attack an old lady. Censorship sucks. I'll get to the match before I start sounding like Scotty Netcoppy. All four men brawl to start and D'Von hits his high-angle inverted DDT on Edge to take control. Buh Buh tags in and gives Edge a HIGH backdrop. We're reaching 35 thousand feet, put your feet up, and have cocktail, Mr. Copeland. Ahem. Elbowdrop gets 2. The ref gets distracted because he just noticed how much Christian resembles Vince Neil allowing the Dudz to hit the double team Bobbing For Nutsack headbutt for 2. D'Von hits a weak spinning elbow, but misses an elbowdrop to allow Edge to get some offense in. A spinning wheel kick allows the hot tag to Christian. Right hands for everyone! Tornado DDT on D'Von for 2. Buh Buh and Edge run in and clothesline each other. Christian goes for the ~TOMIKAZE on D'Von but he gets shoved off into the ref for a bump. He hits the diving inverted DDT and holds D'Von down, but the ref is out. Terri (that little minx) runs out with a chair and throws it in the ring. Buh Buh grabs it, but Christian dropkicks him in the back causing him to drop it to the outside. He promptly turns around and gets 3Ded as the ref comes to and get pinned. Man, what rotten luck! Rizzats, as Lane would say. (3:00)

Terri goes up the ramp and does those cute little devil horns. Then the Hardy Boyz accost her and throw her into the ring into the waiting arms of the Blondz. Well, not exactly that pleasant for Terri. They badmouth her and go to leave, but before Edge leaves, Terri does the devil horns again. Edge sees it on the OvalTron, turns around and SPEARS HER!!!! Holy shit!!!!! It was a wicked one too, and probably hurt considering that Terri's got no meat there to protect her. Edge does his own devil horns as they leave through the crowd and Christian seems to be none too pleased. The logical way to go with this would be for the Blondz to split up and have Terri go with Christian. But hey, I'm not pretending to be a booker or anything. :)

Funny backstage moment as Steph H is walking to the ring with her hubby and stops in her tracks and gives the hoes a dirty look. Heh heh. You see what I mean about her facial expressions?

We get a replay of the SPEAR OF DOOM. Lawler is none too pleased either.

Godfather (w/ Hoes) v HHH (w/ Steph)

The hoes are kind of average this week, except for the one in the silver dress, who's lips are perfect...well, the line is in a Liz Phair song if you want to look it up. Use your imagination. The GF invited Steph to be in the caboose of the Ho Train. I think Steph's caboose is her worst feature personally. HHH beats the shit out of him in response. Heh. A HHH high knee misses by a mile. You'd think he'd have *that* one perfected by now. The GF eats some rights in the corner but comes back with a clothesline and a big boot. The GF's offense is so paint-by-numbers and Ed Leslie-esque that I'm not going to do play-by-play for any of it. Learn a suplex or something, Chuck. Jeez. The Ho Train splash misses and HHH comes back with the facebuster. Shane and TBS saunter on down to ringside. As Steph and Shane have a sibling quarrel on the apron, TBS picks HHH up on his shoulder and rams him into the post. He's rolled back in and the GF covers for the 3. (2:49) Laaaaame finish. At least chokeslam him on the floor or something. The match blew as well.

Backstage HHH destroys his dressing room. YEAH! YEAH! BREAK SHIT!!! Sorry. Down Beavis! Matt notes that he could break lamps all day. It certainly looks fun enough...

The Acolytes (w/ Mideon) v Head Cheese

Before we get started, Al pitches Steve an idea of being sci-fi outer space ninjas. Al brings in a wee little Martian and dances with him. Steve welcomes the little guy to earth by hitting him in the gut with his weapon. Good god is this funny shit. Steve Blackman's personality is that he has none. It's like the guy in Singles who claims to have no angle, when having no angle is his angle. Confused? Good! The match starts off with a big schmozz. Steve and Faarooq fight on the floor, whilst Al and Bradshaw fight In That Very Ring. Then they switch places. Al hits Mideon with a diving clothesline off the steps instead of Bradshaw. It's good to see that they've finally found a job that Mideon can't suck at: beer bitch and punching bag. Can't go wrong with that one as long as he stays out of the ring. Eventually Al gains control for his team. These guys are certainly coasting tonight. The Head Cheese advantage doesn't last long as Faarooq hits a double clothesline and tags out. They had five aces in their hand Bradshaw, KILL THEM!!! Just trying to get the intensity up a notch by yelling at the screen. I doubt current technology allows that to work though. Bradshaw is doing nothing but big boots and elbows tonight. He should stop hanging around Mideon, his lack of talent seems to have rubbed off. Mideon grabs Head and tosses it in, but Snow pretends he's playing against the Atlanta Falcons and intercepts. He whacks Mideon with it but turns around into a Clothesline From Hell. Goodnight Al. (3:00) Well that was a pretty pedestrian affair. They even used the same ending as in the earlier tag match. A rare bad match for Head Cheese, especially considering how awesome Steve's singles matches with the Hardyz have been in recent weeks.

We get WALKING (tm CRZ) shots of TBS and Rikishi. I really hate it when the cameraman gets a closeup of Rikishi's ass. Why not reserve that shot for the ladies or something?

The Big Show (w/ Shane McMahon) v Rikishi

TBS attacks first and whips Rikishi into the steps. He does the framed elbows in the corner, without the framing. OK, so they weren't really framed elbows, but you know what I mean. TBS keeps tossing him from corner to corner until Rikishi reverses a whip and follows up with a clothesline. A superkick leads to TBS tossing some Samoan salad. I for one would REFUSE to take that move. That's just sick and wrong, even if it is over. Rikishi hits a REALLY fudged up looking Samoan Drop. That was uglier than a big fat guy's ass. OK, maybe not. TBS recovers and hits a running clothesline which draws a a Hennig-esque OVERSELL. Damn, I haven't seen that from him in a while. Big fat belly to big fat belly suplex from the Show. HHH sprints out from the back and decks Shane from behind. While Steph diverts the ref, HHH runs in and hits TBS with a Pedigree and posts Shane on the outside for good measure. A Banzai Drop later and it's over. Rikishi even wiggled back and forth as the 3 count was levied. Ewwwww. (3:04)

Too Kewl runs out and we get we get the big dance production. I'm SHOCKED that the American Males clap is over again. I think they owe Bagwell and Riggs royalties for using it.

Backstage Kurt Angle and MISTER Bob Backlund are talking to Kurt's stonefaced security buddy about the awesome power of the crossface chickenwing. Kurt wants to see a demonstration, so we get a PROCURATION, PROCURATION! I love that word, even if it isn't a real one. Wait, according to Lotus Word Pro it is. WOO HOO! PROCURATION! PROCURATION!

Backstage TBS is right pissed at HHH and tosses some dolly cases around.

Kurt Angle & MISTER Bob Backlund v Chris Jericho (w/ Chyna) & Tazz

Kurt bemoans the Long Island economy, the release of Amy Fisher, and the sorry state of the Islanders. Oooh, that last one will draw heat. Well, from Don Becker at least. Bob is his usual obsfucatious self on the mic. Good to see that he he's still misusing big words and calling for morality in society. Move to Canada, Bob. We'll appreciate you up here. He's cut off by the Y2J countdown. Whenever I hear that countdown start I stop what I'm doing and turn around with my arms stretched out in a Jesus Christ pose. OK, so I'm a big flaming mark. Our Paragon of Virtue calls them the biggest nerds in all of America and makes fun of Bob's suspenders and bow tie. He also says that he'd like to stick his hand up Bob's keister and do a ventriloquist act. I'm gonna stop describing this because I can't possibly communicate to you the tone of Jericho's ventriloquist voice. Too funny. He also says that the only thing they are going to procure tonight is a rapacious incursion courtesy of Y2J. Damn was that funny. The sound of a EKG flatlining can only mean one thing: The Midget Is About To Emerge. He says that someone's getting choked out and there's two things they can do about it: Nothing and like it. Someone else got a hold of that book of clichés too, I see. I guess if he can't say, "Fuck you, you piece of shit." then he can't cut a promo anymore. A brief "E-C-Dub!" chant starts up as Tazz starts off with Angle. Angle hits an overhead belly-to-belly and immediately tags Bob in. Bob goes for a procuration already. Tazz blocks and sweeps the leg to escape. Nice. Angle tags in, but gets caught with a side suplex right away. Jericho in and he knocks Bob off the apron. Jericho sets Angle up for a powerbomb and we see an OBVIOUS clip job. Jericho must have REALLY blown the resulting move. We cut back to both guys in the same position and Jericho hits the double powerbomb. A Jericho quebrada gets a save from Bob. Tazz chases him away and slaps on the Kathy-Naijimy, or however you say it. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jericho rolls through a sunset flip attempt and puts on the Walls Of Jericho. He's doing it properly this time too with the neck bent and shit. Chris Beoit and Eddy Guererro storm the ring and end the match. (2:02 aired) Ben-Wah with a backdrop suplex on Jericho. Eddy nails Chyna from behind. Yeah, let's go for TWO chicks knocked out in one week, jerky. I was a *little* bitter about the whole Lita thing from Raw. There's no need to go all New Japan style stiff on a chick. Benoit boards Air Canada and crash lands on Angle as Eddy stomps Chyna. This sets up the 3 way at WM quite nicely. The match was as inadequately short as one of its particpants, though.

Jonathon Coachman tries to intro the latest Adventures of Elroy footage when Kane collars him and demands to know where X-Pac is.

Hardcore Title Match: Mosh v Thrasher v Crash Holly (C)

We catch up with the Headbangers and Earl Hebner at Funtime USA. This should be fun. Mosh finds him upstairs playing video games and slams him. He covers, but the ref is downstairs. Crash escapes via a slide. The cameraman's perspective while going down the slide is just too funny. Great visual. Trasher greets Crash at the end of the line with a trash can shot. It gets 2. The 'Bangers are arguing about who gets to pin him. They drop him throat first on the railing surrounding the Panda Pods. Crash gets whipped with a belt. Mosh rams Crash into the test of strength hammer thingy. It maxes out. Methinks it was gimmicked. Again they fight over the cover. They agree to beat him up some more. A hammer attack backfires and Crash beats them with it and runs into the playground. The 'Bangers tell Earl to go "right in the balls". Heh. They make a plan to trap him in the room with the plastic balls. Crash hits a flying clothesline on Thrasher to escape the ball trap. Crash then swings on a rope and ranas Mosh down and escapes. Mr 24/7 gets away again. (2:32 from "Hardcore Title" graphic to segment's end) Entertaining crap with a few cool visuals.

We get multiple replays of Buh Buh's attempt at killing Mae on Raw. I think it's being shown again to spite TSN. YEAH FUCK 'EM! FUCK 'EM RIGHT IN THEIR FASCIST EARS!!

We get a history package of Moolah and Mae. Moolah's embarrassed at Mae's actions and also jealous of the attention she's been getting. Again, TSN wouldn't let us see Moolah's promo. Pig fuckers. I mean, what was so bad about it? Oooh, she used the b-word. So? I for one hope that this feud NEVER reaches the ring. I think that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Backstage Kane has found Squeak-Pac, the Little Bitch. Hey Tori, I hear you're paired with....SQUEAK! Definite psyche-out. Kane would have made Squeak his little bitch except for the fact that HHH is there. Squeak is screaming like the little bitch that he is as Kane backs him into a trailer. HHH waffles him from behind with a lead pipe and they lock Kane in the trailer. Well, that ruins someone's booking plans.

We get a replay of that last segment and then Vince tells Lillian Garcia that Squeak will face Rocky tonight. Heh.

Light Heavyweight Title Match: Grandmaster Sexay (w/ Scotty Too Hotty) v Dean Malenko (C) (w/ Big Tough Eddy the Lita Killah)

This should serve prove or disprove Meltzer's rumor about Brian having heat backstage. Well Dean-o is a pro, so he won't let shit like that effect him in the ring. Dean attacks before the bell, but a whip gets reversed and he get hiptossed. Dean tries a rollup and gets sent to the outside. A baseball slide takes out both Eddy and Dean. Scotty gets up on the apron and starts bouncing on the ropes in celebration and in a HILARIOUS moment, slips and falls to the floor. He gets up and does the serious security guard pose. That made me spit out my soda. Dean ties a suplex, but gets countered into an inverted suplex. Bulldog gets 2. Another bulldog attempt draws GMS' nuts to the turnbuckles. GMS comes back with a horribly blown inverted atomic drop and a DDT. The crowd breaks into the American Males clap spontaneously. "Ca-ching" sez Riggs and Bagwell. GMS with an empty pool backdrop. GMS does the Thriller dance instead of following up on a whip to the corner but it doesn't adversely effect him. GMS' shitty superkick drops Dean, but the ref is tied up with Eddy the Dickhead. Dean hits a couple of clotheslines and, get this, does the little hop leading into the Worm!!!! Does he look happy to be in the WWF or what? Holy shit!! Scotty trips Dean up before he can actually do the Worm dance, which draws boos from me. GMS rolls outside and gives Eddy the atomic ballshot into the post. That one's for Amy! Scotty guillotines Dean on the top rope setting up for the Hip Hop Drop, which is foiled by that cursed Eddy. Dean covers for 3. (3:47) Dean got almost NO offense in, which seemed odd.

Post match Too Kewl flapjack Dean in the ring as Eddy scurries. As Eddy taunts Too Kewl from the entrance, Chyna runs out and decks Eddy from behind. YESSSS!

WWF officials are trying to cut the lock on the truck to free Kane.

The Hardy Boyz v Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn

YESSSSSSSSSS! Ahem. Eddy is noticeably absent. Jeff's hair is purple tonight for those of you who like to keep track. The Radicals start quickly by double slingshooting Jeff to the floor. They go to work on Matt, and Ben-Wah goes to work. A powerbomb to a sunset spot is seemingly blown when Ben-Wah loses his grip, but since the Hardyz seemingly have no spines, it still ends up looking great. How else could you explain how they're not crippled yet? They may be vertebrates, but they are DAMN flexible. A right hand from Ben-Wah is countered into a neckbreaker. Second rope legdrop gets 2 for Matt. He goes for the Twist Of Fate, but gets shoved right into Saturn who guillotines him. Double elbow and a DOUBLE OKIE BLOW from the Rads. Side suplex from Saturn. Beh-Wah with the stiff-ass elbow. They do the Decapitation Kneedrop double team. It only gets 2. Running body vice from Saturn. Perry goes for a superplex, but gets shoved off and bodypressed. Hot tag to El Jeffy. Gratuitous flip on the entrance and a drpokick and clothesline for Saturn. A drop toehold on Benoit, which is *almost* into the bottom turnbuckle. Then we get into the weird part. Jeff charges Saturn who ally-oops him into Benoit in the corner. Jeff whips Saturn into Benoit. Then Saturn falls down on all fours and Jeff uses him as a springboard to hit a leg lariat on Benoit in the corner. I don't know if that was cool or contrived. Saturn catches Jeff off guard with a Tiger Suplex, which draws in Matt for the save. I haven't seen Perry use that in a dog's age. Double elbow and a fistdrop/flipping senton combo from the Hardyz. Benoit with a quick elbowdrop to save. Double suplex on Benoit, who scurries to the floor. Jeff runs the rail and clotheslines Benoit. Twist Of Fate and Swanton Bomb combo on Saturn, but Benoit drags Jeff out by his freaky hair. A big trainwreck spot takes place on the outside. As they show replays, Tim White throws the match out or counts both teams out or something. (4:53) Cheap, but understandable ending. Apparently, this was for the "number one contendership", so hopefully we'll see it again on Raw or something. Good little match for Smackdown.

Backstage Squeak-Pac is bitching about having to face the Rock. I think that the moniker I've given him applies, because he really is a whiny little bitch.

X-Pac (w/ Tori) v The Rock

Tori looks like that chick that danced on the hood of a car in that Whitesnake video way back when. Rocky starts out by beating on X-punk like he was his bitch (and let's face it, he is) and throws him all around ringside and through the crowd. Atomic ballshot, for which Eddy owes Squeak a beer for stealing from him earlier in the night. That's Squeak's bump, dammit! Shane and TBS make their way down to ringside as the bell FINALLY rings. Shane grabs the Rock's ankle allowing Squeak to take control. Fliiping lariat from Squeak. HHH and Steph make their way down to ringside. Rocky gets sent out to the wolves and TBS and HHH fight over who gets to kick Rocky's ass. HHH whips Rocky into the steps and tosses him in. Squeak only gets 2, even with his feet on the ropes. You think YOU of all people is going to win tonight, you little bitch? Sliding legdrop for 2. Rocky comes back with a spinebuster as both guys do the 20 minute sell. It's only been two and a half minutes so far guys. Suck it up and get to your feet. Rocky with a Samoan Drop for 2. Rock eats a boot in the corner, but Squeak runs right into a sort-of tilt-a-whirl powerslam. Tawny, er, Tori is up on the apron to distract the ref. Squeak capitalizes with a spin kick and goes for the Bronco Buster. He gets intercepted like a Chris Chandler pass and Rock Bottomed. TBS pulls the ref out before the 3. HHH in to nail Rocky with the belt. It only gets 2. Just then, Kane's pyro goes off and lo and behold, it's Kane. He's out to kick Squeak's scrawny ass. Rocky is DQed for that. (4:10) Squeak runs through the crowd like a little bitch. TBS and HHH try to attack Rocky, but end up running into each other and coming to blows. Vince looks on approvingly. End of show.

The Line at the Bottom: Them having the Coalition fight each other can only mean that they are actually building towards a triple threat match for the WM main. This is a BAD thing. I hope that they're only trying to be cutesy with the booking and trying to swerve us, rather than just plain being stupid. We just saw this match at Survivor Series and it sucked then. Unless Foley is involved, I don't want to see a Triple Threat match as the main event at WM. I don't think anyone does. Anyway, at least this show was building some heat for the WM main (if they're leaving it as is). It was also good how they finally integrated Chyna into the Radicals/Too Kewl mix and Benoit into the Jericho/Angle thing. Good build there. The matches were too short, and some were HORRIBLY half-assed, but such is Smackdown, so I hear. There were also quite a few funny moments on this show to make up for the laziness of some people's ring work. Thumbs barely up this week.

ICON out.

~The ICON~

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