You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns





I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

And how!

Apologies, people: I just find that funny.

Oddly enough, in my sheltered Canadian existence, I've never seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

That will change soon enough, but for now? Bloody and bleeding, move onward!

I'm CyanIndigo. I look dead sexy 23 hours out of the day. I have lots of spiffy WCW and WWF notes that smell like second-hand smoke to share with you.



And YOU! The trapped masses under my spell! *twinkle twinkle* *evil laughter*

Yes, yes, there will be wrestling. Shut it already, I'm getting there.


"The Undertaker has been spotted on commercials for Smackdown! on UPN, saying he is "coming back to take your heroes.""

Oh, for god's sake.

What the hell is that supposed to be???

'Taking back your heros', my ass and RAW's ratings. They already did that schtick with the man, is there any doubt that with the attitude and "real-life" characters that the WWF uses now, that this is going to completley back-fire?

If this is the case. I just read it as a rumour. I myself haven't seen a thing on the UPN. Could be old, could be anything. Hey, have you realized that the Undertaker has been gone for seven months?

Speaking of the truly dead man, this is a prediction of April's BACKLASH card I stole off some site:

  • The Rock vs. Vince & Shane McMahon
  • Triple H vs. The Undertaker
  • The Big Show vs. Too Cool
  • Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Jericho
  • T & A vs. the Dudley Boyz

    Just rumours for now, but either way, this is not one of the most stellar rumours I've heard in a while. Ugh.

    Doesn't this send a little message? Taka Michinoku vs. HHH for the World Title on RAW. Remember the saying that Vince MacMahon could put anything on the screen and still win the ratings against NITRO? Even if that's the case, I have to give an impressed thumbs-up to the whole deal. Sure, HHH was far huger than Taka, and a big shot to boot, but there was an actual match. HHH actually SOLD Taka's moves, and had the near two-counts. Unheard of!

    NITRO NOTES (unreal, they are present for once)

    Mike Awesome? Shane Douglas? Shawn Stasiak? WCW? One of these things just doesn't belong here......

    I'm telling you. Give it a few months, and they're jobbing to Brian Knobs.

    Were those real Goldberg chants from the crowd? I can never be sure anymore.

    Is Scott Hudson replacing Mark Madden, considering that Madden was taken out by Tank Abbott near the beginning of Nitro, and never returned? I could be pleased with that. (And on a related side note, there was no reason for me to see Madden's white beached whale gut on the big-screen TV at the bar. Oh no no.)

    I find it interesting that NITRO was filled with references that only the "smart marks" would pick up, like Bischoff asking Sid "can't find your scissors?" (referencing, of course, his years ago legit attack on Arn Anderson with a pair of the mentioned above) Or Kidman called out Hogan because of nasty things that Hogan said about him on a radio show. Or that Shane Douglas attacked Ric Flair from behind because they've had legitamate heat for years.

    Yup. Diamond Dallas Page still makes me want to BANG my head against a wall.

    Uncle Eric verbally abusing Hogan and Flair for real? My ass. Bischoff still has his nose stuck up Hogan's butt. Hogan's going to fix things in the WCW? My ass. The only sort of fixing he needs to look into is the putting-down-the-dog kind.

    Can't you see the asshole that's still in Eric Bischoff? I take one look at him and that's all I see. Same with Hogan.

    Fuck Hulkamania, it can suck my butt.

    QUESTION: Do people actually willingly wear Hulkamania T-Shirts?

    Lex Luger has remained useless, all entrance, stiff as a six-foot board (but not the favoured kind)

    Using brighter lights on the crowd (red and orange, brightens the whole broadcast view) ropes and the spotlights themselves.....well, it might look cleaner, but I doubt it'll have much effect.

    Why in the hell is the Wall being pushed so much? Does he have some redeeming quality I don't know about??

    Tank Abbott is not intimidating. He has the Mike Tyson Syndrome, which produces a lack of vocal scariness in all forms. He just needs a lisp and he's all set.

    Commentator Line of the Night: "Should we get in there?" Scott Hudson to Tony Schiavone after Madden gets dragged into the ring and his ass kicked by Tank Abbott.

    Wrestler Line of the Night That Actually Made me Laugh: "Let's see if your balls are as big as your bald spot!" Kidman to Hogan.

    And as much as I loved the fact that Kidman called out Hogan and pinned him, I do NOT like the fact that Kidman has aligned himself with Eric Bischoff. (See my reason why a few lines above.)


    X-Pac should not dance.

    DX as tag champs, even for one second, makes me want to vomit, especially since Edge and Christian JUST GOT THEM, for god's sake. How are you going to push the young up-and-coming talent if you take their fucking belts away in a week???

    And to the 1-2-3 Skid of all people. UGH. GERMS.

    And hey, since when does Earl Hebner reverse decisions left and right? Don't get me wrong, the sooner belts are taken of those grubby DX'ers, the better.

    But....if the only match that had a reversed decision was the one that Road Dogg and the 1-2-3 Skid were involved in, couldn't that be a little F-YOU from the people in charge (aka MacMahons) Could we see some dissolution... AGAIN.....of the shrivelled remnants of DX?

    And on a related note, X-Pac is known for his natural ability to shrink.... but without meaning to. HA!

    Take it easy with the WWF Aggression music, gentlemen. Some songs are good, some really suck. And some just do not fit. Like the Big Show one.

    STELLAR to Kurt Angle for introducing polyurethane condoms to the Godfather and his ho's. And of course, for solidifying his role as a heel wrestler by claiming that celibacy and abstinence made him the great man he is today. No sex???? The man must be E-VILL.

    But seriously, that "Olympic Slam" finisher has got to go.

    Tazz should be kicking more ass than he is.

    Chyna looked NASTY on Monday. GAH. Being a "Mamacita" for Eddie Guerrero does not do wonders for her sex appeal, I'm sorry.

    And on a related side note, isn't it interesting that Chyna turned on Chris Jericho only last week for Eddie "Latino Heat", but already there is new music, AND a new video with the two of them in it? I'm guessing this gimmick arrangement might be lasting a while.

    Chris Jericho is getting VENOMOUS. Dare I say.... heelish? E-VILL? Must be the facial hair. I like it. GO JERICHO GO!

    I fully believe that Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko are screwed....unless the magical purple and black "Radical" colours change their luck for them.

    I don't believe that there is a shred of personality or consistancy or anything in the pairing of Test and Albert, along with Trish Stratus who seems to be good for one thing only. Here's hoping she doesn't start trying to wrestle or anything.

    I do believe that the Big Show has morphed into Stevie Richards. Funnier imitations of other wrestlers, but probably only because he's so huge and big and everything. Still, he looks like he's having fun. That's a lacking quality in most wrestlers these days. Best of luck to you, Paul.


    Did Terri use that date-rape drug in the beauty parlous on Miss Kitty? That's a little scary.... or depending on your social life, a lot exciting. This whole thing is reminding me of a bad Spanish soap opera.

    The Acolyte Protection Agency is far more successful (and far cooler) than I ever thought possible. Is this true? Are they actually being thrown into main event inclusion and gaining the ever-profitable distain for the MacMahon family?

    Did they break Test's nose again? What is this, the eighth time?

    What in the hell makes WWF officials believe that Albert has main event potential?

    Do you remember the time when the gimmick of Val Venis was considered "risque"?

    Hey, guess what? I was gonna be a ho!

    I'm serious. In May, friends of mine who run an indy organization around these Canook parks are planning to bring in the Godfather. And the bar buddies asked me if I was going to be around, and if I would consider being a Godfather ho for the show.


    You know, I would if I could.

    But alas, t'was not to be. I will be doing my best imitation of an American come May, trying not to let my purity and virtue be tainted by all of your strange American sex ways.

    Not too much, anyways.

    That's it for me. Send the mail if you have a question, or hate me, or whatever you like.

    Keep your spit to yourself, pinatas.

    Internet Ninja, Seduction Artist, and Canadia Chick

    Mail the Author

  • BLAH


    Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission