You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns





No, the plane didn't crash and burn.

Disappointed? Please. You can't escape my feminine wiles.

Sweet little innocent Canook that I am, I am now officially in Americana, and trying desperately not to take on the New-England surprisingly-similiar-to-Vince-Russo accent that seems to linger everywhere I go.

And people say I have an accent.

What-ev-AH. Oh, by the way! In case you're wondering, [slash] wrestling's painter / that keen boyfriend of mine, Michaelangelo, is away for the week, and his writing hiatus will be, hopefully, not permanent.

I'll work on him, boys, in the only great, writhing way I know how.



First of all, we (sorry, I) need to talk about this new announcement that the re-re-match between the Rock and HHH at Judgement Day is going to be a 60 minute Iron Man Match. Last one I saw of this sort was at Wrestlemania 12 between the inconquerable Shawn Michaels and the then-best-there-was Bret Hart, probably the single greatest match I've ever seen (and hey, that's my opinion) Fantastic wrestling by fantastic athletes.

So with that in mind, not to mention my own personal favourtism for that particular historic fact, I have to say that there is no way in hell that this new Iron Match Match for May 2000 is going to be nearly, if at all good.

Let me explain.

There is a signifigant difference between the athletic stamina of the mid 90's wrestlers and the ones today. Back in 1996, PPV matches regularly went to the 15 minute mark, not to mention technicality took precidence over showy gimmmicks and 20 minute mic promos. Matches today rarely, if ever, pass the 10 minute mark, and that's with the repetition of trademark moves, outside interference and 5 minute entrances.

HHH is precise, but not original or daring. He's very singular in his moves, large, but immobile.

The Rock is more show than substance. again we have another man who is large and the owner of a fantastic body-builder physique, but not known for his versatility, stamina or anything else.

And stamina is the key here, kids. It's one thing to say you can wrestle for 60 minutes; it's another thing to actually do it. If it were Chris Benoit, I could believe it. HHH? Nope. Rock. Never.

Some of you might be saying, well, the Rock was part of the Miami Dolphins, which gives evidence that he can take 60 minutes in the ring considering that football requires strength and stamina. Then again, think of this: when's the last time he was football playing? Four years of wrestling cancels that fact out.

The fact is this. In order for an Iron Man match to work, the following components are needed:

1) Two intriguing personalities (done..... well, sort of) 2) Consistant effort to keep things interesting and top-pace (I doubt it) 3) No outside interference if you want to keep credibility (can you really see that happening?) 4) Stamina, dexterity, endurance (we'll see, but the fact that these two guys are huge will affect these components) 5) Intensity (we've seen this match many many times before, the hatred is common and everyday) 6) Fan interest (depends on who you talk to)

And that's another problem. The WWF is recycling all the matches from Wrestlemania over and over again, and they have been for the past two months. Why? Is it an open invitation for WCW to start stealing fans? Because that's what'll happen if they're not careful. People don't care about HHH vs Rock AGAIN, nor Jericho vs. Benoit AGAIN. (well, I do, but I'm a biased Jerichoholic) The Iron Man Match doesn't take that fact away.

And the only thing longer than an Iron Man match with the same potentiality to be a boring disaster is a HHH mic promo.

I can see it now: EARL HEBNER VS. .......


The scary thing is, I bet old-schoolers like myself and others on this site would tune in.

I'm surprised how tickled I am to see Debra back. She always was one of my favourite of the women, although not for her voice. She's the most pleasant of them all; I've seen interviews with her and Chyna and that old Mero chick and by far she was the most fun.

I watch Tori and think "Contrived." "Dumb as a post." Notice that all she seems to do is flip her hair? "Elegantly evil" my ass.

(By the way, just because I'm a Canook doesn't mean I automatically cheer every Canadian and consider them my favourite. Tell Jim Ross that. I'm not keen on Test, Trish Stratus or Val Venis. I prefer the Hardys over Edge and Christian, except when it comes to their fine, fine new mic work. )

Speaking of them, Edge and Christian seem to have gained some semblance of success with the "Chant of Champions." Believe it or not, but when you're called an "ASSHOLE" by 10, 000 fans out of nowhere, that's always a good sign for your heel career.

I think the mistake that the WWF is making with T & A is that they're going with the idea that sex will get over anything and anybody. While Trish Stratus is pretty and has that strange shiny look to her breasts that all implants garner, she doesn't do anything inside or outside the ring, she just stands and poses.

And while Test was on a real offensive role late last year (who DID he piss off to deserve this?) Albert...... well, the name speaks for itself.

They are voiceless marionnettes. Their music is lackluster hard-rock common. They wear black and never smile. What's the appeal? Obvious sexual innuendo will only get you so far; consider the example and current Sunday Night Heat status of Val Venis.

Consider this laughable piece: the Godfather was insulted because Chyna refused his offer to be a prostitute.

Strange but funny true quote: "These days there are so many nutshots that no wrestler can possibly have testicles." - my roommate Fonz

Shouldn't Stephanie MacMahon-Helmsley have to give up the Women's Championship, due to the 30-day compete clause that has always been re-enforced before? You'd think they gave her the title because every single woman in the Women's Division suddenly died, and they didn't want to waste the tin. To my knowledge the girls are still there. So?

Is the WWF doing what I think they're doing and bringing up subtley that old crush that Stephanie harboured for the American Hero Kurt Angle? He says he's proud to defend her honor because she has class.

Maybe she'll end up de-virginizing him. That would be entertaining to find out......

Hey, imagine HHH's reaction if that happens!! Outcome? Feud between HHH and Kurt Angle, possibly main event caliber, gets Stephanie out of the picture and could possibly turn HHH face (which to some, is the next step for him since he's been heel for so long; I personally think he makes too good of a heel to let it go) Grudge matches, promos galore, gives the fans an actual REASON for calling Stephanie a

Personally, I sit back and shake my head at the fact that Faarooq (aka the Black Pantha "Nation" Gladiator) and Bradshaw (aka Blackjack Justin Hawk) are considered feared these days as a team and . And actually are.

I do believe that Chris Jericho has moved into the #2 face category.

"Vance MacMahon." [laughs]

What the hell was Billy Corgan doing at BACKLASH last Sunday????

I have to say a SHAME to the WWF for pretty much wrecking the potentiality of Esse Rios and Lita.

They started out great, I distinctly remember the crowd reaction when Lita first climbed to the top rope and moon-saulted the schmuck in the ring, not to mention those huricanranas, the fact that she took that nasty powerbomb from Eddy Guerrero on the outside. And Esse Rios is a fantastic aerial specialist, great wrestler, pretty nifty look to him.

BUT, the problem arises with the fact that they've lost just about every match they've been in in the last few months, gotten their butts whipped or cost their partners the match. Not to mention there's been, ONCE AGAIN, no focus, no mic work or anything. I swear to god, if HHH and the MacMahons don't give up some of their mic time......

Let me check......

Yep. That's all my notes.

So I turn away and slink into the night, hoping that I can figure out the different currency of you crazy, crazy Americans tonight. Given that your money's not purple and red and polka dotted like my old home soil's, I'm having some trouble distinguishing a $5 from a $20.

Problematic, eh?

And by the way, I got a bunch o' flack in my mail last week for claiming that Americans didn't know about any good Canadian music. My mistake, there are a few blessed ones after all. Imagine that. I apologize.

[blows them all a kiss]

Wish me luck. Next week: job hunting.... but I'm not legal!

Hey Alex Beckers! You owe me a drink!

[slash] wrestling
Doing Her Best to Stay Canadian...In the Best Sex Sense

Mail the Author



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission