UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL
Last column for a while.
Read the closer for why, but in the meantime, I'm CyanIndigo of [slash] wrestling, which I'm quite proud of. CRZ is dead sexy, Alex Beckers owes me a drink, and this is my column, filled with more real wrestling stuff than I think I've ever written in my short life.
For your consultation and dissection, I present the ways to make the some-what faltering WWF better.
I know what you're thinking: the WWF is doing just fine in terms of ratings and popularity and such. Screw you Cyan, what the hell do you know?
Ah but I do. I know that there are some of you out there who find the show repetitive, somewhat boring, and in need of some spice and change. Ones who are sick of 20 minute promos and screw-job endings.
So here's to you, to the ones out there like me.
If you don't want to read it, then lick my ass and get out of here. I have no patience today.
SUGGESTIONS THE SHOW AS A WHOLE:
1) Lose the run-ins and the consistant use of outside interference, unless it's something we haven't seen before. It's highly tiresome to see the same people getting screwed over by the same interference.
2) Save the blading for PPV's and high-profile matches.
3) Make the PPV's special again. While I'm fully aware that a once-a-month PPV generates the bucks, and there's no chance that the WWF will ever go back to the major ones only, there are ways to make the PPV more like a $30 PPV and less like a no commercial version of RAW. Longer matches. Surprise finishes on more than just the main event. Injuries, turn-coats, bleeding, things like that that change the face of the superstar. Fresh feuds.
4) On that note, LOSE THE IDEA OF THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE.
5) More interview time and mic promos are desperately needed for the lower card talent. While some are getting exposure, like Edge, Christian and Kurt Angle, there's a whole bunch more that need some background, some personality.
6) Solution to above complaint? CUT BACK the HHH / MACMAHON / ROCK 20 minute promos. The Rock doing occasional appearances and long promos would be much more attention-grabbing and special than weekly ones. Same goes with HHH; unless there's something new to say, we don't need to see it every week. The MacMahons, once again, are shoving themselves into the spotlight, and it's nothing new. It's boring, in fact.
7) Cut back the Vince MacMahon / Linda MacMahon spots. They make much more of a commotion when they're out of nowhere. Remember when Vince returned and smacked Shane across the face?
8) Don't automatically assume that the return of the former big guns will cause great hysteria. The Undertaker has been gone for ages, as has Billy "Never-Gonna-Make-It" Gunn and Steve Austin, and there's no guarantee that they're going to be able to slip back into the main event fold anytime soon. Perhaps never, it's a new breed of wrestlers out there.
9) Break up the HHH and Stephanie MacMahon-Helmsley era. The angle where HHH drugged Stephanie and married her, only for her to turn on Vince and become evil, hey that was a fun ride, I liked it, I'm glad it happened and made my night. But there's no point to it anymore. How to break them up?
10) Have Stephanie or someone else "de-virginize" Kurt Angle, or at least attempt to. Gives people a reason to call Stephanie a slut (why do they, anyways?) and I can just see the reaction on Angle's face at that sort of thing.
11) Make subtle adaptions of the following theme music:
Edge and Christian - that whole mysterious vibe doesn't fit anymore
T & A - if they survive for more than a few more months
Esse Rios and Lita - they deserve better
.....AND PERSONAL SUGGESTIONS FOR EACH MAN OR WOMAN ON THE WWF ROSTER
Keep pushing the Acolytes, and eventually make them the unbeatable sort of WWF tag champs. They shouldn't be losing to anyone.
Let Al Snow retire in peace, or with a little applause.
Keep Brisco & Patterson out of the spotlight, it's not necessary, no one particularly cares, nor do they serve any real purpose, comedic or otherwise.
After letting the Big Show decimate Shane MacMahon, start sending him into main event caliber again, as long as he continues to perform skits and impersonations. That personality is what's getting him attention, and the WWF would be fools if they made him stop.
Billy Gunn is pretty much finished.
Big Boss Man can lick my ass.
Where is the Blue Meanie, anyways?
British Bulldog will never get back to the level that he once was. Obviously, he's got wife troubles, painkiller addiction troubles and fan troubles. It's unfortunate, and I'll always beam with any mention of that fabulous tag team of the Dynamite Kid and the British Bulldog, but he's pretty much over and done with. It's a shame.
Bull Buchanan has loads of potential and ability, but everytime I look at him, I think Goldberg. Either that, or I see the Bossman beside him and shake my head. He'd be much more intimidating if he took out the Bossman unexpectedly, and used that whole task force gimmick for himself and only himself, decimating a ton of people in his path.
Chris Benoit is doing fine and dandy. Keep having those quiet little interviews, keep giving him good matches. The only thing I'd suggest is up the whole ferocity angle. Benoit has the ability to completely latch onto someone and injure them badly and madly.
Chris Jericho is also doing good, my personal favourite has made quite the leap into the #2 face spot. So what's suggested? Not much.
Christian is better on the mic than Edge, and I'm pleasantly surprised. Keep him in the tag team for now, see what happens.
Chyna looks like she's having fun with Eddy Guerrero. She needs some training time in the wrestling ring still, if she wants the idea of her beating up tough men to be believable. She's still sloppy.
I'd say that Crash Holly is doing better than I ever thought possible.
The idea is circulating that Dean Malenko is going to have a hard time escalating any higher up than the Light Heavyweight Championship, and I think I'd have to agree. Only possible change could be to the European belt, but that's about it.
Bring Debra back again. Always liked her.
Ah, D'Lo Brown. Well, he's never lived up to expectations. He was stuck in with the Godfather, and the WWF is now trying to build any sort of interest in a Godfather / D-Lo feud, which ain't happening. I have no idea what to do with this guy. He's been around for ages, it seems, and not much beyond the European title.
No comment on the Dudley Boyz; they're doing great.
Eddie Guerrero looks like he's having fun as well, good wrestling, good character, the most socially over person of the Radicalz with the crowd. He has the personality to take him to the Intercontinental level, screw the European. Keep giving him mic time, vignettes and that car of his, and get him in contendership.
Essa Rios and Lita. God, these two deserve better. I mentioned this last week, but in order for either of these two to do well, the WWF needs to stop having them lose their matches or costing the win in tag matches. They need better music. They need more exposure, some background (like why is Lita with Rios in the first place?) some more elaborate feuds.
And Lita? Well, I liked her better as Ms. Congeniality in the ECW as a tough, ass-kicking girl, so I'd say get her back into that. We don't have any in the WWF (no, Tori, Stephanie or Ivory don't count, come on)
Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young are no longer needed. They can be let go.
There's a big part of me that wishes for the reunion of one of the coolest stables ever, the Brood, but we all know that ain't happening. So when Gangrel comes back, I still think he could be successful if they focused more on the vampire idea moreso than anything else. You know how scared shitless wrestlers would be if Gangrel tried to bite their neck in the middle of a match?
I'm readily sick of the Godfather, and even though he's done better than expected, the schtick is getting old. It's getting downright dumb, in fact.
Hardcore Holly is doing WAY BETTER than I ever thought possible, so I have nothing to say. Same goes for the Hardy Boyz.
The Headbangers can be let go. They've never shown much promise or crowd interest, not to mention I've heard rumours that they cause trouble back stage with their attitudes.
Hey, even though I know everyone was silenced into submission by the sound of overly-hyper Ivory commentating at the Road to Wrestlemania preview, I still say she has talent. Calm her down, and let her try commentating. The Women's Division is a dead donkey, and she'd be better at interviews than Lillian Garcia ever could be.
I wish there was more to offer Jacqueline, but there isn't. She didn't even get on the five-woman cover of RAW spread.
Kaientai. Hm. Well, we all know that they are never going to be anything but jobbers. So for their sake, I'd say go back to Japan, but I will say that I will always be impressed with the top-rope springboard plancha of Taka Michinoku's.
I look forward to Kane's return, although I really don't know where they're going to stick him. If they put him in ANOTHER feud with the Undertaker, I'm subjecting myself to RAW.
Believe it or not, I like the Kat, or Miss Kitty, or whatever. I don't really know what to do with her, but I like her.
Kurt Angle is going to be very big. It's true.
Fire the Mean Street Posse. There's no reason for them to be employed.
I hope Mick Foley is enjoying his retirement; god knows he deserves a rest.
I hear the only reason why Mideon is still employed is because he's one of the more popular members behind the scenes. Even though he's pretty much useless outside of the ring.
Perry Saturn isn't going to get very far in the WWF.
I really, truly wish that that ass-in-the-face move by Rikishi Phatu wasn't something cheered for by fans, but it is. Once again, another direct ass shot. In all seriousness, though, he's done very well for himself, and is in no need of any suggestions.
Oh, the Road Dogg. He's done. Have him stop rhyming for god's sake, stop wrestling, stop just about everything. The one thing he's always been good at, though, is being on the stick, so just as I said for Ivory, give him a test shot at commentating, maybe on Sunday Night Heat.
The Rock. God, where do I start. Well, for starters, he is more hype than substance. He needs more training in the ring, some variety, because he's boring the piss out of me and many others. If he's going to continue being a fan panderer and insanely popular, then here's the suggestions: Make less appearances, so that a show-up is reverred as something really special. Get some new catch phrases, a new purpose in wrestling. Hell, if you want to get people's attention, turn heel again (although if you think about it, is that ever going to be possible?) Bottom line is, do something different.
Is Mark "Sexual Chocolate" Henry still employed?
I can take Shane McMahon in small doses, only because he throws himself into the ring and gets his ass kicked. But remember, small doses. He's not necessary.
While Shawn Michaels returning made me smile, he's pretty much lost all his popularity and hype in the current wrestling world. Marks like you and me on the Internet will always remember him, but he's not necessary to the program, UNLESS HE WRESTLES. Then that's different. However, considering that he's making the WWF bucks and barely doing a thing, I can't see why he'd agree to do anything other than talk for 5 minutes.
I like Stephanie McMahon, believe it or not. I think she's funny, not to mention she's a WORLD different from that daddy's girl persona she was presenting last year. A WORLD different. She has really gotten into the gimmick, and I find that amusing. She has a nice evil streak, let's see her use it.
I can't see Steve Blackman making it in any way; that whole HEADCHEESE gimmick that died away surprisingly quickly gives testiment to that. Let him go.
I can't say anything about Stevie Richards because we never see the man.
Tazz is having more trouble getting over than one might have expected. Will that change? Well, I don't know. He's got the best music, pyros, shots at the Intercontinental and Hardcore title. BUT, unfortunately, size does matter. It's hard to imagine a tough street guy being so much shorter than everyone else.
Terri's pretty useless. Let her go.
Get Test the hell away from Trish Stratus and Albert.
Tori could be doing a lot more than she is. First off, stop making her look like a useless crackwhore in throws of DX. She's a "jezebel" so to speak, so have her turn on them, do something else.
Triple H is doing brand-spanking fine. However, his mic promos are starting to lack substance and interest. Have him follow the road of the Rock and cut it down to occasional, which will make them seem more attention-worthy.
Trish Stratus is useless. Not even that great looking, very artificial.
Good luck with Val Venis and this apparent new gimmick the WWF will be giving him.
Fire Viscera. Immediately.
And finally, X-Pac. Oooh. Where to start on this skinny punk.
There is no way in hell that that fucking lame-ass finisher of his should dominate and beat so many of the big names in the WWF. There is no way I'm believing that Tori is willingly banging him. There is no way that he should even be considered cool anymore, and there's no reason why he should be given as much screen time as he is. The fans finally are starting to hate him (good boys and girls) and he's pretty much, my favourite word, useless. I'd say fire his ass, but that's not happening. Either learn something new, or stay off my TV.
So that's it. I have no idea when I'm writing another one of these again, mainly because I'm pissed off at the general internet community for multiple reasons.
Mainly because I've been doing this for two years, and everyone still thinks I'm a guy posing as a girl in disguise. And the fact that I'm consistantly called things like a "dumb waste of time fuck" for spending a sentence or two making a mention of my boyfriend, [slash's]Michaelangelo.
Fuck the lot of you, honestly.
I may lose my position at [slash] wrestling for being so upfront, but I take offense to being called a whore and a slut and everything else. Maybe I take this all too personally, but I'm proud of what I do, and what I have been doing, which is taking time out to entertain people with my wrestling thoughts and strange personal life.
I just finished my second year of university in Canada. I'm 20 years old, and a female who's been watching this sport since I was around 6 or so. But I can't prove this to be true without sacrificing my privacy, or the privacy of those around me. I'm flamed on, insulted, called a liar and a poser and everything in between.
I trained Michaelangelo a long time ago, we've been a team for a long time, on various sites, including CRZ's [slash]wrestling. And yes, we've been a real-life couple for around six months. If I feel like making mention of it, I'd like to do so. My fucking column, I'll do what I want, along with the wrestling stuff.
To those who are legitamate fans, accept my apologies.
The others can merrily go and fuck themselves.
This is CyanIndigo, saying au revoir.