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Spicy Jack



You know, ever since the first time I read one of these on the Rant Crew way back a while ago I've wanted to try one. So now I'm bored at work and, actually having watched SmackDown! last night I can give it a try. Hopefully the boys at won't kick my ass or sue me or anything for trying. And maybe I'll even be funny! Well, we'll see about that. So, without further ado, here's:

What I Learned from WWF.Com: SmackDown!

(WWF.Com's text in White, mine in Festive Yellow)

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley

Looking yummy, I might add.

and Jim Ross were backstage in the locker room as SmackDown! kicked off from Nashville, Tenn. J.R. asked Stephanie what she wanted, and Stephanie said that she was planning to give a mission statement on the final SmackDown! of the year 2000.

Mission statement. It's a mission statement. (Anyone else see Jerry Maguire?) (She's Stephanie MacF'inHelmsley!)

She said she knew J.R. had a big mouth,


and he would be sure to spread her word to audiences around the world, so her name would be synonymous with greatness, like her father's and her husband.

Poor Steph. She's so young to be so delusional.

She promised that the name Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley would be emblazened in the minds of everyone before the end of the night. She said she would start by extracting revenge against Chris Jericho, putting him in a Handicap Match against Edge & Christian. She then made a World Wrestling Federation Championship match between Kurt Angle and Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Oddly, Stephanie then made a Handicap Match with Rock & Undertaker against Rikishi! Stephanie said that tonight was her night, and that she had some resolutions to make -- but she would reveal them later, instead of to J.R.!

Poor J.R. So let's see...opening interview, out of the way. Matches, set up. But Rikishi v. Rockertaker? Spicy Jack confused.

The opening match on SmackDown! was the first Handicap Match, as Y2J faced off with Edge & Christian, the Federation Tag Team Champions. Prior to the match, Jericho said that he would make it his New Year's resolution to never call Stephanie names again! But since it wasn't New Years yet, Y2J decided to get his money's worth, and he called Stephanie a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding, trashbag ho!

Y2J rules. 'Nuff said. (How does one be a brutal ho, anyway?)

Jericho had the match won on several occasions, but Edge & Christian used the numbers game to their advantage.

"Odds or evens?" "Odds." "1-2-3...dammit!"

Stephanie soon ran to ringside


to distract Jericho.

Well DUH! I'd be distracted too...(bouncebouncebouncebounce)

Christian then snuck up behind Y2J and hit him with the impaler for the win! After the match, Edge & Christian held Jericho down, and Stephanie slapped him across his face! After the break, Stephanie congratulated Edge & Christian on their win. The Tag Champions told Stephanie that it was a pleasure to defend her honor.

Hmm...Edge & Christian = APA Lite? Less Beer, more Awesomeness?

Chris Benoit then defended his Intercontinental Championship against Matt Hardy. Ultimately, Matt went for a tornado DDT from the top rope, but Benoit reversed it and locked on the crossface for the submission win.

Leave it to this pinhead to leave out most of the details of what was a great freakin' match. Benoit tried the crossface 4 or 5 times, reversing from bunches of different moves to finally get it on. Plus you left out his goofy-ass smile. Get it together!

As the Undertaker arrived at the arena, Coach approached him and asked about the Handicap Match that night. Taker simply said that payback would be a bitch.

But presumably not a bottom-feeding ho.

Footage then aired of Val Venis and Ivory of the Right to Censor dressed up as Jim Ross and Chyna, in a parody of the emotional interview with the Ninth Wonder of the World which aired on RAW. Val and Ivory insinuated that Chyna's severe injury was a good thing, since she would no longer be able to corrupt the minds of America's youth.

This was funny beyond words. Val was totally straight facing it (no pun intended) (well ok, sort of) as JR, and Ivory's whimpering as Chyna was just hilarous. Classic.

Backstage, Kurt Angle and Stephanie watched footage from Monday's RAW of Buh Buh Ray Dudley powerbombing Angle's brother Eric through a table.

That was it? They just stood there in silence?

As the champion walked to the ring


for the championship match, Angle said that Buh Buh broke his No. 1 rule when he put his hands on Angle's family. As Stephanie watched on, Buh Buh came within an eyelash of becoming Federation Champion after DDTing Angle onto the championship belt!

Dammit! As Word97 pisses me off, I'll sigh and note that Angle's head was nowhere near the belt.

Eventually, Kurt retained his title after a low blow

Someone forgot to tell Buh Buh it was gonna be that, cause he sure didn't sell it like one.

and a small package.

After the match, an irate Buh Buh Ray assaulted Angle until Edge & Christian came down for the save. But D-Von Dudley came down to save his brother. Buh Buh then told D-Von to get the table, but after a distraction by Edge & Christian, it was Buh Buh Ray who went through the table, after being given an Olympic slam by Angle!

Backstage, The Rock arrived at the arena.

So he did.

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley then headed to the ring. She said her resolution was to get what she deserved -- the respect of the Federation Superstars.

Fair enough, I suppose.

She said that her father was Vince McMahon -- the owner of the company -- and her husband was Triple H -- the greatest superstar of all time.

What, he doesn't have a first name? When they're in bed, does she moan "Oh Triple! Oh Triple!" Just curious.

She said her resolution had already started to come to life. Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass filled the arena, and Stone Cold Steve Austin walked to the ring to interrupt Stephanie's speech!

Well, no, he walked to the ring to hit all four corners and pose. THEN he interrupted her speech.

The Texas Rattlesnake told Stephanie that no one gave a rat's ass about her New Year's resolution. He said there was only one thing he wanted -- a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship! Austin said he was done playing games, and that he wouldn't step foot in the ring for a match again until he got a title match against Kurt Angle!

As half the internet fanbase goes nuts. I personally happen to like SCSA, so I'll say boohiss.

Stephanie denied Austin his title shot, saying she didn't think he deserved one. But when Stone Cold asked the crowd if he deserved a title shot, they responded with a loud "Hell Yeah!" Stephanie said that her opinion overrides the 18,000 people in the arena, and he would not receive his title shot.

Well aren't WE little Mrs. Bitch? At this point, was I the only one waiting for a stunner?

Since he wasn't getting his shot, Austin said he would drown his sorrows with a few beers.

Man whoever tosses those has good aim. Has Austin ever totally flubbed a catch and someone get nailed by one on accident?

The Rattlesnake busted open a Steveweiser in the ring and took a few sips,

Hmm. If what Austin took was "a few sips", then how the hell does THIS guy drink beer?

and then he asked Stephanie if she liked beer. He then handed her a beer and toasted to her -- spilling beer all over her outfit!

SPLASH! Of all the nights for Steph to wear a black dress.

Stone Cold then said that normally he didn't like to waste a perfectly good beer, but he would make an exception in this case -- and the Rattlesnake then poured an entire can of beer over Stephanie's head!

After the commercial break, Stephanie cried backstage about having been humiliated by Stone Cold moments earlier. In a moment eerily reminiscent of her father, she screamed, "I'm Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley -- dammit!"

Who was she crying to, anyway? Was that person in any position to do anything about it?

Next up, Faarooq, Bradshaw and Jacqueline took on Bull Buchanan, the Goodfather and Ivory of the Right to Censor in six-person tag team action. Ivory won the match for her team with a roll-up.

Feh. With the exception of the Goodfather, all of these people could be doing something better.

After the match, the Right to Censor continued their assault until "The One" Billy Gunn made the save.

-shuffles over to the corner- I'll be here, not caring.

Backstage, Test asked Albert what he was thinking on Monday night, buttering up to Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. Albert said that he was heeding Vince McMahon's advice -- Don't cross the boss.

Yea, cuz that NEVER worked for Austin.

Test said that the problem wasn't with he or Albert, but with Trish. Test then asked Albert where Trish was, and Albert said he had gotten an answering machine message from her, saying she was home for the holidays. Test then suggested that maybe she meant Vince McMahon's home.


The new Hardcore Champion -- Raven - walked to the ring and talked about how he left Steve Blackman and Bob Holly lying on RAW, thanks to what he called the "Raven effect." Raven seemed disgusted about having to make his first title defense againt Jeff Hardy on SmackDown!

"Against a Hardy Boy!" Funny stuff.

The match was intense and brutal -- at one point, Jeff even brought a ladder into the ring!

Cuz he'z nutz.

Raven would retain the title, however, following a DDT. After the match, Raven left through the crowd, obviously concerned about the 24-7 rule.

Obviously. Pinhead here also neglected to mention Jeff's devastating "mophead to the face", or the witch's ride he took.

Kevin Kelly interviewed Rikishi about his Handicap Match against Rock and Undertaker. Rikishi said that whatever he did to Rock and Taker in the ring was hanging over Stephanie's head.

Ok...whatever you say, Rikishi. (Why was the "s" on his sash backwards?)

T&A then took on Too Cool in tag-team action. Too Cool had the match won after Grand Master Sexay hit the Hip Hop Drop on Albert. But with the official distracted, Test hit a top-rope elbow on Sexay, allowing Albert to get the pinfall.

Smashing Albert pretty badly as well, which I guess is the only reason for what followed. Test also took a NASTY double team posting to the lower regions...looked like he was very unhappy about the little quizzes being damaged.

But after the match, Albert turned on his partner, brutally attacking Test, as Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley watched on and smiled! As Albert left, he screamed that he didn't need Test anymore!

Ok...whatever. I'm of the opinion that if Test had fought back and beat the holy hell out of Albert, he would've gotten a monster face pop.

Kevin Kelly caught up with The Rock backstage. The People's Champion said he had three New Years resolutions -- to once again become Federation Champion, to be the greatest man in sports-entertainment and to get Kevin a sex change!

Poor Kevin. He was trying not to bust a gut during this bit.

The main event on SmackDown! was the Handicap Match putting Rock and Undertaker against Rikishi ... or so we thought! Even though it was indeed a Handicap match, the match was changed from one-on-two to three-on-two, when just prior to the match, Stephanie gave Rikishi two partners -- Kane and William Regal!

Looking goofy as always.

Despite being outnumbered, The Rock picked up the win for his team, pinning Regal after a DDT.

Best spot of the match: The Undertaker has Regal (I think) near the corner, and yells out "Old School!" and does the ropewalk! That just ruled.

But after the match, the three men destroyed Rock and Taker. Stephanie laughed menacingly as SmackDown! went off the air.

Well damn. That was a hot hot show! I don't get to see RAW anymore, and haven't watched Smackdown in a few weeks, so I was pleasantly surprised to see them pull out this show, with good efforts from everyone and good matches from top to bottom. Well I hope you enjoy my little foray into the world of my apologies again to the guys over at if this upset them or pissed them off or whatever. Happy New Years to all!

Spicy Jack

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