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Mr. JF


Ross Report; Home of Ross.

  • The Rock and Triple-H are very anxious, excited, and giddy about their upcoming one-on-one match at Backlash. Let's hope they don't pee their pants with excitement. These two will do their very best to prove that they are the best in the business and, doggone it, they deserve to be the only two wrestlers in the WWF who're anywhere close the world title.

  • Jim Ross is paid to say positive things, and he believes RAW and SmackDown! will rock this week. He means that.

  • Brian Christopher won't return to action for a month or so, but will be back on the road this weekend. Why would he want to be on the road, someone might run him over! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Homage to Eliott.)

  • Gangrel's arm is in a sling, and the freaky-ass vampire will be out for four weeks. Bet you won't notice.

  • Mr. Rectum is in pain after his rotator cuff repair job, and will be out for four to six months. And there was much rejoice.

  • Mick Foley will be on an episode of CBS's Now and Again, if it doesn't slip his mind.

  • The British Bulldog is training in Calgary, waiting for a return date to be set. One very efficient exercise is running in the streets and trying to avoid being run over by bitter brothers-in-law with greasy hair.

  • Expect to see X-Pac and the Road Dogg heat up some crack very soon. Speculation is that Tori will be getting high, as well.

  • If Edge and Christian are given the opportunity to talk, which they aren't, they'll become major players.

  • Congratulations, Dean Malenko! You get to be the recipient of the official BJotW. Ross also gives out polite genital licks to the other lightweights, whose talents we shouldn't take for granted. Now go brush, Jimbo.

  • "The Dudleys are beginning to get significant cheers in some arenas. The 3D and tables are popular signatures of these two talented young men. They are a tag team, and they compete in the WWF, which is a pro-wrestling federation."

  • Tazz is still an orange midget who jobs to Crash Holly on a regular basis, but Jim believes he is really going to make it in the WWF. He could even someday be the ECW champion.

  • Get the breath mints out, because Jimbo feels an urge to orally satisfy the Acolytes as well. Gurgle, tough powerhouses, gurgle gurgle, keep an eye on, gurgle swallow.

  • Spit, rinse, repeat. . . Pull down you tights, Chris Benoit, 'cause Jimbo gots a blowjob push to give you! Ross seems to think that if Chris is just his uncharismatic Canadian self, he'll get over just fine in interviews. Yea.

  • Several solid WWF superstars will get repackaged to fully take advantage of their talents. Reports say Stevie Richards will play a flunky who gets injured as soon as a push is staring out, D'Lo Brown will get a garbage man gimmick, and Mideon will continue down the path of teen heart-throbness.

  • WWF InzzurrexXxtyon will be main evented by The Rock vs Triple-H vs Shane McMahon. Them Brits get all the good stuff.

  • Kane's hand is broken, but the Big Red Machine will return soon, and he'll be mighty pissed. Because of the imminent feud with the Big Boss Man and Bull Buchanan, of course.

  • J.R. could be wrong, but he feels that Eddy Guerrero and Chyna will be red-hot. It's not deja vu, Ross said pretty much the exact same thing last week. The senile bastard.

  • What a "bump" Rikishi delivered after a "Chyna-Line" on "SmackDown!", don't you "think"?

  • Jim Ross, you little slut. Once again, he gets on his knees and delivers his patented Oklahoman lip service. The lucky recipients this time: The Hardyz, who will become even more popular when we hear about their amazing life story. Jeff's been a crash test dummy, and when they were kids, Matt had a hamster.

  • The WWF has over 30 talents under development deals. Most of them suck, but ten or so may even have a shot of making Shotgun within a year.

  • Steven Regal's doing really well in Memphis, and rarely urinates on people without their permission anymore. He is trying to earn another shot with the WWF, but no time table has been set. Jim didn't like the Man's Man gimmick, and is obviously not a Monty Python fan.

  • Steve Austin is could return to the WWF in June, but it's only a guess. He's been working out constantly, and at this point can almost lift empty beer cans over his head.

  • The Undertaker could also return in June. So that's two more months of 'groin-pull' jokes right there. Great.

  • Judgment Day tickets did a Mike Awesome in only a matter of hours.

  • A number of WWF superstars will be on hand for the Gary Albright Memorial Show on Wednesday, April 19th. Check it out if your in the area, 'cause showing your support for someone who no one cared that much about while he was alive is always a good cause.

  • The Rock, Kane, and the Dudley Boyz will risk their lives by appearing in Puerto Rico. With four wrestlers there, there's a good chance that at least one or two will make it back alive.

  • Admit it! You liked the Kat/Mae vs Teri/Moolah match on SmackDown, you sick bastard!

  • June could be a huge month for the WWF, as in addition to the possible returns of the Dead Man and the Stone Cold Cripple, J.R.'s BBQ sauce will hopefully hit the shelves! As a side point, Ross really hopes WCW brings back Oklahoma.

  • Buh-bye.

    /Mr JF
    [slash] wrestling

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