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Mr. JF


  • The Rock will be in London and Morocco from May 7-12, filming the Mummy II. He'll play the part of the Scorpion King. Thank your lucky stars that it's not a WCW wrestler in that spot, or you'd be seeing Pyramid Cage matches main event pay-per-views.

  • The Rock, along with New York Mets' Mike Piazza, will be on the cover of USA Today Weekend Magazine. Thank your lucky stars that it's not a WCW wrestler in that spot, or Piazza would be wrestling in that Pyramid Cage.

  • On Wednesday, April 26th, Grandmaster Sexay and Mr. Rectum Billy Ass will be evaluated to determine the how their injuries are healing up. Seems unnecessary, since J.R. sure appears to know what's up: Christopher will return in a few weeks, and Rectum isn't expected back for several weeks. Some twenty weeks, according to previous Ross Reports, but what the hell. . .

  • You won't be seeing Mark Henry's fat ass on WWF TV for a while. He's going to Ohio Valley Wrestling, the Jenny Craig of pro-wrestling. Other patients currently enlisted in the Louisville weight-loss program include Stephen Regal, the Blue Meanie, and Jim Cornette. OK, maybe not that last one.

  • Edge and Christian are looking for homes in Florida. They are housebroken, and very cuddly.

  • Val Venis has purchased 25 acres outside of Toronto, and will be moving back to Canada from the Bahamas. His name is Val Venis, and the Canadian cold shrinks his penis. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

  • Sorry.

  • More Canadian news: events in Vancouver, Tacoma, Calgary, Edmonton have all done well in ticket sales. The event in Calgary where Bruce Hart wanted to loan in a bunch of WWF wrestlers to celebrate Stu's 104th birthday has been postponed. Stu says he didn't know anything about it, and I guess surprise parties isn't his bag.

  • Kurt Angle will go to the UK on May 3rd to plug WWF InzurrexxXxxtyon. The event sold out months ago, as soon as it got out that Mideon might be there.

  • Backlash is looking good. Some major announcements regarding the main could occur RAW and/or SmackDown!, because a simple one-on-one match may never main event a WWF PPV. If it turns out to be a surprise no-DQ stip, I will be just as shocked as when it happened the last thirteen times.

  • Both the Benoit vs Jericho and the Edge/Christian vs Road Dogg & X Pac matches should deliver the goods. Reports say that Benoit and Jericho are being pressured to produce at least a four star match, while X-Pac & Road Dogg are being pressured to please guys, just for one night, lay off the bong, OK? Guys?

  • Expect Val Venis, D'Lo Brown, and Stevie Richards to get more visibility on WWF TV. All three are hard working, good citizens who filled out their census forms on time and frequently help old ladies cross the street.

  • It's a sad farewell for the team we all came to know and love as Head Cheese. Jimbo wishes both Al Snow and Steve Blackman the best of luck in getting over as singles wrestlers.

  • Ross says that T & A have been replaced by Kane, Crash Holly, the Big Boss Man, and Bull Buchanan for the UK PPV. Math was never Jimbo's strong suit.

  • Joe E. Legend's work situation is still up in the air. Legend first arrived in Stanford on his own after his mother had passed away while attempting escape from Canada's communist regime. It's a gripping tale, I tell you.

  • Shawn Michaels? Return to WWF TV? This week? Who knows? Huh?

  • APA and Tazz merchandise is selling well. Which is ironic, when you think about it.

  • Chances are good that you'll see more of that little indy fed that had one of its wrestlers on SmackDown! last Thursday at future tapings.

  • It's time! It's time! It's BJotW time! Ross says that Kurt Angle has great work ethic and tons of character, and has progressed extraordinarily. Then he swallows. . .

  • . . . and moves along to Chris Benoit, who Jim pleasures using phrases such as "great motor" and "future PPV main eventer". You know, if Jim keeps giving out blowjob pushes this often, they'll cease to mean something. Really.

  • When it comes to Eddy Guerrero and Chyna, Jim Ross says that he thinks they have potential as a duo. Which is exactly what he said last week and the week before that. The senile bastard.

  • Bull Buchanan has potential but is stuck with a shitty eighties gimmick. He needs something edgy, something like being a member of a South African Truth Commission and feuding with various racial gangs. Or something.

  • Hardcore matches are getting boring in J.R.'s eyes. ECW won't have any matches on RAW any time soon, methinks.

  • Wrestlers who don't speak English will be tutored. Good luck TAKA, Sho, Essa, Jeff, and Matt.

  • As always, let's plug RAW and SmackDown! For once, Ross thinks they'll be good. What do you mean "he says that every week"?

  • Buh-bye.

    /Mr JF
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