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Mr. JF


Yo yo yo! What it is, motherfuckers!

The Notes from the Ross Report are back after a four or five week layoff. I hope you're not too angry with me for forcing you to enter the evil realm of and read the "actual" Ross Report, a million page breaks and all.

Pac Man is high on crack. Yup.

Before we get to the mega-hot newsbits this week (including an update on Steve Bradley!), I shall start to subtly hype some HUGH JAZZ (or huge-ass, dimwits) things currently in development - something that will REVOLUTIONIZE the Internet wrestling scene completely - by saying three little words: Wait for it.

By the way, when I use ALL CAPS to emphasize words, you know I'm being serious. Or joking. Either one will do.

Incoherent introductory ramblings ending. Initiating NftRR.


  • "Stone Cold" update: It's T-60 days until he can return to the ring. Or T-59 days, really, since I'm writing this on Saturday. CRZ will no doubt post this around Wednesday for some reason, so [/slash] readers can do your own math. In any event, those 60 days will be spent losing what's left of the beer gut, as Mr. Austin is looking to drop ten pounds or so down to 245. Debra and the Rattlesnake (do rattlesnakes and puppies go together? I would assume that the snake would just attack the pups and bite--. . . Forget I said anything.) are getting married in Las Vegas soon, which is at least classier than your average Texas wedding. You know, where the bride's father is aiming a shotgun at the groom just for insurance, and the vows include Jerry Springer quotes. Steve Austin, Hollywood superstar that he is, has also turned down a lot of movie and television deals to be able to return to doing what he loves. Which is Debra, I guess. Steve surprised the gullible tourists with money to burn in attendance at WWF NY by staggering in drunk Thursday night, by the way.

  • The Big Fat Show has a herniated disc and will be sent to OVW in Louisville, -or as it is known in the business, Fat Camp- to improve his timing and attitude. No word on how long he'll stay there, but three months is a good cooling off period, isn't it?

  • Trish The Boob Babe, Commissioner Mick Foley, Too Cool, Eddy and Chyna will all be on WWF SummerSlam radio on Saturday, August the 26th. It will originate from WWF NY, of course, so come look at them and spend your cash on overpriced food, why don't you?

  • Brock "N. Broll" Lesnar has miles to go before being good enough to debut for the WWF, but he's down in Louisville and the former NCAA (No-one Cares About Amateurs) "National Champion Heavyweight grappler" is progressing well. Remember that once you read about him being in dark matches before RAWs, you'll know it's just a matter of years until his TV unveiling.

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  • There's still tickets left for SummerSlam, emanating from Raleigh, NC. 'Raleigh' sounds Alabaman to me, by the way. There's been over $1 million in ticket sales already, and it sure looks like it'll make like an ECW headliner and sell out.

  • Road Dogg, Bradshaw and Faarooq will be in Bristol, Tenn for a NASCAR race this Friday. Good to see they're all staying true to their redneck roots.

  • Trish the Boob Babe and Test (the TTs, if you're in a WWF-booker-like mood) will be at the Air Canada Centre on Friday, August 25, to plug the WWF's first visit to said Centre two month later. Not much joke material there, I'm sorry to say. It's Canada, so what can you do?

  • Lita's popularity is rising, proportionally to the waistline of her pants lowering. She's getting almost as many requests for appearances as her thong panties are, and that's a lot. Trish is also becoming more and more popular, probably as people are realizing just how big those boobies really are.

  • Expect to see X-Pac vs Road Dogg, Kat vs Terri, and Phatu/Too Cool vs RTC to be added to the SummerSlam card. Expect nothing good in terms of workrate. Expect no heat for the DX match. Expect unfunny comedy and no actual nudity in the women's match. Expect the RTC match to be heated as hell, and expect trash to be thrown into the ring when they win it.

  • Kane-UT at SummerSlam should be interesting for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that it's been thrown together at the last minute. J.R. expects them to have a "helluva" match from Hell.

  • Chyna. Playboy magazine. Jimbo expects record numbers, and I wouldn't be surprised. In addition to the usual demographic, I expect the Chyna photos to attract new buyers among key groups such as lesbians, near-sighted Xena fanboys, and freaky ECW recappers with leather fetishes who masturbate to TV Guide covers.

  • The WWF pulled another 'ECW headliner' (meaning sell-out, damnit. Where's your memory?) for a show this Saturday in Greenville, SC. Ticket revenue was at $400,000, which is around 399,950 bucks more than the usual amount of dough ECW grapplers usually leave the bingo hall for.

  • During his visit at WWF NY, Steve Austin praised Triple-H. This sets up a feud between the two in the future, if I read Ross correctly.

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  • Paul Bearer will likely be backstage this Monday when the WWF go to Mobile Homes, Alabama, but there's no news for his return to TV. Soon, Jimbo hopes. Him and everyone else.

  • 'Just Joe' is impressing 'Just Jim' with his in-ring abilities, and he "could become a hand in the near future."

  • Val Venis needs to talk more, but is a top hand and is "this close." Ross won't say what he's close to, but I suspect it's either complete baldness or being teamed up old partner Joe if he can't find his heat soon. And since you may have noticed the two consecutive paragraphs containing the word "hand" in a context it's not usually reserved for, well. . .


    'Hand', as in 'guy who can carry good matches', will become the next phrase overused by people who want to let everyone know how well they know the business and how they are much smarter than other smarts. Jimbo will use it more and more, and then Scott Keith will include it in a rant. Next thing you know, every single Rantsylvania writer will be using it, as is customary with any phrase Keith starts using a lot. Then, about six months down the line, WCW commentators will start using it to suck up to the Internet fans.

    Don't say I didn't warn you. We can only hope that by bringing it up here in the widely read and extremely influential NftRR, I have stopped this horrible turn of events from taking place. Pray for it.

    . . . . We now return you to your scheduled programming . . . .]

  • Triple-H was on C-Dawg O'Brien recently, and did a good job. Conan is a big WWF fan, and HHH is funny 'n' stuff. I suspect the Fabio On Crack nickname to hang around for a bit.

  • RAW and SmackDown! ratings continue to impress TV execs, who are amazed at the popularity of men in tights pretend-fighting. A lot of shows would like to garner the ratings those shows get. WCW would like to garner the ratings Caroline in the City re-runs get.

  • Scott Vick will be out for a while with a broken jaw. It's nothing too serious, says Jimbo. I hope this doesn't slow his push down too much.

  • Bob "Spark Plug" Holly is working out, but can't put too much pressure on his broken arm. He's coming back in a few months as scheduled, though. If I sacrifice enough to my gods, perhaps he'll step in as color commentator at SummerSlam. We don't want Cole there in Lawler's place. We don't. Remember that.

  • Tori's rehab is also going well, and she'll be back "better than ever" in a few months, probably in time for a spot in a ladies' eight-man tag at Survivor Series. Will she be able to go all-out when she does those crotch chops, though?

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  • We finally get an update on Tiger Ali Singh! No idea where the bag of suck has been lately, but he'll be sent to Memphis now, along with Steve Bradley. Singh is Canadian.

  • Jimbo saw some clever "J.R.'s BBQ sauce" signs on TV last week, but he's still looking for those "J.R.'s BJotW" signs. He holds out hope for future WWF stops Lafayette and New Orleans. Ross going to Louisiana brings back all sort of great memories of working with such people as Bill Watts, Ernie Ladd, the Junkyard Dog, and many other 'greats', who're in fact so great that no one would recognize the names if he mentioned them. New Orleans will be the "sight" of the next Royal Rumble, says Jim. If the scenery's more fun to look at than the performances, the action can't be all that great. . .

  • Filler paragraph about football. Next!

  • Ross talked with some Houston Astrodome people recently. It's the site for WrestleMania 2001, or as I like to say: "It Should Be Called WrestleMania XVII, You Bitches, Not WrestleMania 2001!" I suspect this business about switching the roman numeral to the year is only step one. Then we'll have WrexxleManya 2002. Because they're so HIP!

  • Unforgiven, the September PPV from Philadelphia has also managed an 'ECW headliner'. Business is great!

  • As well it should, because the Ross Report is one big commercial for upcoming events! RAW. Greensboro. August 28.

  • Jack Brisco has had surgery to remove part of his intestine. EEEEEWWWWWW!!!!! To soothe the pain, he and his brother get a blowjob. Nothing major, but the most apparent one this week. Hence, the BJotW. Congrats.

  • Remember to buy multiple TV Guides with wrestlers on the cover. There's also a story on the WWF, but the pictures are obviously the main selling point. A picture is worth more than a thousand words, especially if you're an illiterate wrestling fan.

  • Sez Jim: "Lots of positioning and posturing by some wishing to explore their options in the WWF. Apparently, poor management, a lack of organization, and gang-rapes of anyone who dared to question Russo's booking have motivated some to want to change addresses. No one will be considered to join the team if they are unable to leave negative baggage behind and become a positive force in our locker room. (Hear that Goldberg?) Unfortunately, that could eliminate a lengthy list of talent. (Hear that, Lanny Poffo?) The next few weeks could very well be some of the most interesting times many of us have seen in a good while, as certain wrestling promotions based in Atlanta crash and burn for the millionth time in the past couple of years, and the WWF is there to pick up the leftovers at will."

  • Obligatory hype for this week's TV tapings.

  • Take drugs and I'll see you here next week!

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