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Mr. JF



Brief step-by-step guide to whatever before the NftRR proper:

"How a Ross Report Becomes a Notes from the Ross Report"

Step 1: Mr. JF, the brave soul that he is, courageously enters the evil realm of, clicks on "The Ross Report", wades through the million page breaks and copies the whole thing down into a single word document. This is usually done on Saturday, around noon, when Mr. JF wakes up.

Step 2: Mr. JF writes up the Notes from the Ross Report, free of actual page breaks but full of imaginary ones, by way of clicking on randomly places letters on what he calls "the keyboard".

Step 3: Mr. JF posts the Notes from the Ross Report on one of the few Delphi message boards that don't flat out suck. Don't go looking for it at Rantsylvania, in other words.

Step 4: On Sunday (usually), Mr. JF copies the NftRR from said Delphi board, pastes it into an e-mail form, and writes an intro like the one you're now reading. After the e-mail servers fuck with him for an hour or so (because apparently, Sunday mornings is a very busy time for the server), he then sends it to Christopher Robin Dylan-Milne.

Step 5: Also on Sunday, Massa Chris looks in his inbox. If he sees no Notes from the Ross Report, he decides to do a weekend update on [slash] after all. If a NftRR is against all odds laying there, CRZ postpones the update until post-weekend, as is normally common practice with the site.

Step 6: The Notes from the Ross Report get posted on [slash] around Wednesday. (LIES! - CRZ)

Fascinating reading, is it not? So now you at least know why I'm talking about the PPV as if it hasn't happened yet, even though you're probably reading this a few days afterwards, even if CRZ now has the optimal opportunity to prove my unimportant intro talk faulty by actually posting it before every single thing in the NftRR is out of date.

And now for something completelly different. . .

Notes from the Ross Report

  • Eight bouts, a heel turn or two, a major revelation from Shane McMahon that may or may not pertain to his sexual orientation, and the long-awaited PPV return of "Stoning" Steve Austin: WWF Unforgiven will surely rock the free world. And Cuba, by way of illegal pirate satellites.

  • Staying true to its Philadelphian upbringing, the First Union Center quickly sold out as soon as it got word that the WWF had interest in it. The card seems to be more drenched in "emotionally charged issues" than usual, sez Ross. Why, the X-Pac/Jericho storyline has been one for the ages, and even the Rock himself has almost got an issue with his three challengers, who by the way can all win the title without actually defeating the former champion who won the title without actually defeating the former champion who won the title on a DQ. Jimbo predicts that a no-DQ stip will be added at the last minute, just like it was for just about every single PPV main in 1999. Ah, the good old days. . .

  • Triple H and Kurt Angle should be party time, excellent, provided the latter is healthy. You have to wonder what part Stephanie will play in the match, but you have to ignore wondering the same about special ref Mick Foley or you won't be surprised. No one can predict what will happen between the Hardy Boyz and Edge/Christian, Jimbo tells us, which probably means they havenít decided on a finish yet. Vegas odds say Jeff'll plunge to his death, however. That would either lead to E/C retaining cleanly, or a Dusty finish where Matt wins the title despite his brother's deadness, but the Canucks find a loophole that gets them the titles back by way of the infamous "dead partner" clause. Moving along in the meticulous hype of every match on the card, we next have Phatu vs Eddy, which mistah Ross refers to as "the Eddie Guerrero-Chyna-Rikishi Intercontinental Title business", which forces me to entertain the sucky possibility that Chyna will wrestle. Chris Jericho vs X-Pac could steal the show, put it in a pipe and smoke it. In an announcement that will cause Herb Kunze to salivate and the Dynamic Delphi Duo of Jenkinson and Keith to aggravate, Messrs. Waltman and Jerrko might continue their program post-PPV.

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  • Jerry "The Perv" Lawler vs Grumpy has had a great buildup, thinks Jim, and more people are talking about Tazz (the second 'Z' is silent) than ever before. And that counts for something, even if they're all laughing at him. Don't be surprised if the match is as short as the two participants, however. The Perv will deliver, promises Ross. The Dudleys & the APA vs the RTC match will be "intense, concise, and ugly" in one of them nifty Shoot Comments That Aren't Supposed To Look Like Shoot Comments. The 10-Minute Hardcore Battle Royal (aka "the filler") will feature a host of former Hardcore champs challenging "White Man" Steve Blackman: Saturn, Funaki, Crash, Test and Al Snow. Good thing: the fact that TAKA wasn't mentioned at all instantly raised his chances of walking out the champion by 200% (to 73:1 odds), by way of the 'shocking upset' set-up. Bad thing: the same can be said for Albert.

  • AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN! He'll be there as well, in case you forgot.

  • /end hype. Will doubling the space normally allotted for PPV hype in the Ross Report result in a doubled buyrate? We'll just have to wait and see.

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  • Hype terminated. Initialize bragging. The WWF has sold out Madison Square Garden for a show on Saturday, making a shitload of cash in the process. MSG has been sold out every single time the WWF has paid visit over the last three years. Three years ago, TAKA Michinoku joined the WWF. Coincidence?

  • Injury update time, a Ross Report favourite. The Big Boss Man has an injured knee, but should return around October 9th. We can only pray he can bring JAKKED back to its former glory when he returns. Lita has "turf toe", which is not to be confused with Sunny's ailment "turfed ho". Thurman "Hardcore" Plugg is currently a freak on a training-leash but will get his release around November 1st, hopefully. Tori has two months left until she can come back to her strenuous crotch-chopping schedule. Steven Richards is injured, but that's never news. Billy Gunn is officially off the injured list by Sunday, but will probably be sent directly to Memphis. . .

    [. . . and there was much rejoice.]

    . . . but only for a few weeks before returning to the WWF proper.

  • Football. Like I give a shit.

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  • Mark "Fat" Henry is doing well in Ohio Valley. He's currently at 350 lbs, but will be brought back to television once he gets down to 325-340. Unless they get all "Blue Meanie" on his ass.

  • RAW is TNN, don't forget. Jimbo says that it'll hit the ratings hard at first, which is an insurance policy: If the WWF's ratings are down and That Other Show's are up, we can all refer to the move and how even Bleedin' Thumbs Ross expected that to happen. If the WWF does well, however, it's all hunky-dory and "Gee, even we didn't expect this! We rule!" next week. In the long haul, the WWF will be able to take advantage of CBS ("Late Show with Steve Blackman"), MTV ("Road Dogg Rules"), VH1 ("Behind WWF; the Music"), Nickelodeon (erm. . . No idea.), and UPN (nope, nothing for that one either. Sorry). Amazing possibilities all around for the WWF on TV. And it's all thanks to Russo!!!

  • Nah.

  • Underaged readers should close their eyes at this time, as I tell you that Chyna's nekkid in Playboy. Here's the quick report: Her boobs are big, her belly is flat, her vagina's purty, her hair is bigger than her, and she wears more makeup on her face than Doink. As on RAW, except for the vagina thingy, in other words.

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  • Both JR's BBQ sauce and the WWF CookBook!, "Can You Take The Bland Name?" will soon hit the shelves. In order to promote them both, Jimbo himself is expected to do some cooking on popular shows. I'm guessing Iron Chef. "SUSHI!! SUSHI!! SUSHI!!"

  • WWF NY plug, as per the Ross Report modus operendi. You never know who'll make a contractually-obligated apperance!

  • The developmental programs in Memphis, Louisville, and Southern California cause great excitement for Good Ol' J.R. They'll continue to provide the WWF with talents for many years, most likely. The developmental program in Philadelphia might not stay around for that long, but due to the great benevolence of Vinnie MacDaddy they'll at least get to stay on TNN for a few weeks to come.

  • The Big Fat Show is getting positive reviews from Danny Davis and Jim Cornette down in Ohio Valley. He's behaved himself for the short while heís been there, and actually worked out a few times during the past week. He'll be toroughly examined and probed, and Jim Ross wants to see him at 375 pounds, maybe in time for the Royal Rumble 2001. Oh, and he should also stop being a whiny bitch who thinks he's a big superstar, but that's only if you read between the lines.

  • The Perv and the Pussy will soon wed, and Ross slips in a few thinly-veiled shots at the durability of the marriage admidst the well-wishes. That's how it goes when the color man you've had a secret crush on for years marries, I guess. The current Mr. and the future Mrs. Lawler were made for each other, says Jim. If anything, I'd say Ms. Kitty was made for Lawler, seeing as he was around for sixteen years before she was even born.

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  • Steve Bradley is getting promoted from Puerto Rico to Memphis, which is a big step up. If the WWF was Dante's Inferno, then Puerto Rico has got to be the seventh circle. Memphis would be the 2nd, whereas regularly appearing in dark matches before TV tapings would constitute being in Limbo. . . Remind me to make something more out of this in the future.

  • "Terri will soon be taping an episode for the UPN program "Freedom." She will be playing a mom who gets shot. Shooting begins Sept. 27 in Vancouver." Read those last two sentences again, why don't you.

  • "Springboard" Scott Vick has just been reassigned to Memphis and could springboard his way onto WWF TV if he springboards his cards right.

  • Mick Foley tapes MAD TV on October 20th. Provided he learns how to work that damn VCR! Hur-hur.

  • "Stoning" Steve Austin and Bryant Gumbel; An unbeatable tag team! Austin is planned to be on "the Early Show" on Monday, before flying to Philadelphia to be on RAW. I hope he KICK! WHAM! STUNNER!s Bryant.

  • Whoa, Jim Ross is excited! Excited about RAW is TNN, excited about Unforgiven, and excited about the return of the business' biggest box office attraction ever, Viscera. And Steve Austin. We're in for a wild ride, so hold on tight! WOOOUUUIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

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    Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission