NOTES FROM THE ROSS REPORT
This may or may not be my final NftRR on [slash], at least for a while.
Nothing against [slash], and I love CRZ with all my feet for his conception
of it, but there's stuff going on. That there REVOLUTIONARY INTERNET
DEVELOPMENT THAT WILL REVOLUTIONIZE THE INTERNET, if you recall. I first
started those plug, like, nine years ago or something. I lose track of time.
Anyway, it looks like I've finally have some time to finalize (and also
initialize, which I'll do first) stuff for that there thing this week, so
as long as nothing gets in my way, it'll be around before next weekend. As
you might be able to decipher, however, my prognostics for the future are
not always up to snuff, so maybe I'll still be here next week. In that case
forget I wrote this. Of course, by next week, I bet you already have.
Anyway, on to the Notes! Only four (4) pages this week, which of course
eases my grueling job. My computer crashed as I was finishing up the last
couple of paragraphs, however, deleting everything I'd written, which
un-eased it really quickly. I did manage to re-write, though, and if you
ever stop and go "HEY! That looks like he already came up with that joke an
hour ago, and now he's repeating it again!", then that would be the reason.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
The Notes from the Ross Report (v 2.0)
ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US! Good Ol' Jimbo Rosso (as he's called in Italian
fanzines) seems somewhat unconcerned about this development, almost as if
he's known for weeks. Hmm. . . All the while, he day dreams about stuff.
Something about Oklahoma and an orange bowl. Containing oranges.
The Armageddon PPV is gonna be way interesting, and not just due to the
Cell with the Hell and the particpants within, in the main event. No sir,
ALL matches are really important, it's a great opportunity for all every
wrestler on the card, and great opportunities are excellent to use for
seizing. Since Armageddon is not a one-match-card at all (honest!) and the
undercard is so important (honest!), we'll now promptly ignore every single
match except. . .
. . . The Hell in a Cell six-way main event! Jim Ross is very curious
about how it'll turn out as he hasn't spoken with Pat Patterson and the
other match bookers extensively, but he recognizes how expectations are
high due to the past performances by men like Shawn Michaels, the Big Boss
Man, and the Undertaker. Jim expects a compelling match, though he
forewarns the likely lack of big bumpitybumps.
Triple Ache's H-ing back (huh?) is not fully healed, but he'll
participate in Sunday's match anyways. A less-than-100% HHH is still better
than most people, says Ross, obviously sending a message directly to Crash
Holly. If Jim Ross had to choose an MVP (as it seems he has to, considering
how often he brings it up) for this year in the WWF, it'd be Mr.
Hearst-Helmsley. Pass the torch already, Steve Lombardi!
"Lots of "name talent" looking to relocate from other organizations to
the Federation but no meetings have taken place with any of them. It's not
like our cupboards are exactly bare, and even if they were, we do not want
to inherit someone else's attitude problems. Talks with many of these
talents could occur in the next week or two as some have excellent physical
skills and could help us with a positive and unselfish attitude."
Translation: As long as Hall, Van Dam, and Juventud are selfish enough to
not share their happy pills with others, they won't get those ever-elusive
jobs in Ohio Valley.
X-Pac's such a PAIN in the NECK! Hopefully he'll be able to return to
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Bradshaw and Faarooq, two dudes with attitudes, are ready to return to
the poker tables within a few days.
Tori has really reinvented herself, with all the worn old implants being
replaced by new ones and injections having gotten refills, and she'll be
able to get physical (if you know what I mean. . . Eh? Eh? "Get physical"?
He he he. He) very soon. She has worked really hard to get back with a
better hairstyle than ever.
More TV time could be imminent for Los Radicaloz, whose first eleven
months in the Fed have been very productive. And that applies to all four
of them, not just Saturn.
Eddie Guerrero has a pulled string of ham, keeping his Latino temperature
at a cooler degree than normal.
This Wednesday in Kentucky; It's OVW's biggest event in history! Sales
have already exceeded the fed's best gate, with a full 29 people reportedly
having purchased tickets. Oh, and some WWF superstars will be on hand,
including one "Stoning" Steve Austin.
Raven might go the way of former valet Chastity and get involved in some
more hardcore action in the future. He has great potential, which Ross says
is as of yet unseen in the WWF. Doesn't Ross watch Jakked?
Are Mick Foley's days as WWF commissioner numbered? Would another Mr.
McMahon evil boss run be numbing?
Rikishi will attempt to drop some of his phat, partly in order to
alleviate his sore ankle, and partly to escape the wrath of Jim "The
"Can You Take The Bland Name" is selling well, answering the
once-thought-of-as rhetorical question stated in the fictional name
variation of the actual book's name with a resounding. . . Wha?
"Remember, J.R.'s BBQ Sauce is SO good you can't sit still and eat it!"
That means it causes diarrhea.
RaxXxylMenya X-Sevyn has sold a huge amount of tickets as of last
Tuesday, for a total of a shitload of money. That means that they are only
a small number of tix away breaking the Astrodome record, which is so
impressive it deserves an exclamation mark! If you want to figure out the
old attendance record, you simply add [a small number of] to [a shitload],
and there you have it. To find the average price of the RMX-7 tickets sold
thus far, of course, you can easily divide [a shitload] by [a huge amount].
The results should be in the vicinity of [that much?].
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
TAKA Michinoku's shoulder has improved greatly. It's expected to get a
big promotional push, and other people's shoulders have been rumoured to
express their dissatisfaction with the development. It's unfounded though,
as surgery looks impossible to avoid and will severely halt any momentum
gathered by the shoulder.
If the WWF had All-Star teams, Willy Regal would be on Jimbo's. The young
veteran has earned the respect of everyone, and one should not take the
piss out of him -- as the Brits say -- for past behaviour. Pee-hee.
Perry Saturn, unzip thine pants, for it is time for the J.R. BlowJob of
the Week! It's just a few short licks really, as Jim mentions that Saturn
could turn into something good if he continues to work on his in-ring
skills, and that he's a tough, aggressive guy. I assume that the intention
is simply to get Saturn's spirits up, and then Perry has to take matters
into his own hands. Maybe he'll finally get to that elusive state of
satisfaction that comes with a job well done.
Terri missed RAW due to an inner-ear problem. Small troubles there can
lead to major balancing difficulties, especially when you have to carry
around them big juicy funbags.
Slim and sexy Paul Bearer might soon return to the WWF in the often
rumoured "yet-to-be-determined" role. That has yet to be determined,
Well what do you know, weekly bitchings on wwf.com does pay off! Good Ol'
J.R. and Horny Ol' J.L. could turn out to be Xational Football Association
announcers after all. Time will tell, and I for one can hardly wait.
If Jim could sew, he'd stay up all night making new outfits for Lo Down.
Personally, if I could sew, I'd make a whole lot of turbans. Yellow ones.
Dean Malenko -- who eats dogs -- and Lita (who doesn't) have excellent
on-screen chemistry, which you might have noticed during last week's TVs if
you hadn't been staring at Lita's cleavage, you little pervert. To once
again prove his amazing subtleness and ability to come up with
thought-provoking statements, Jimbo delivers this gem:
(Malenko's entrance music is James Bond like).
Thank you, Jim.
Al Snow has been having problems with his wrist, but he's been valiantly
working through the pain. On Jakked.
Two whole cases of J.R.'s BBQ sauce were gone at the hands of the WWF
superstars after Monday and Tuesday's TVs. Debate is still ongoing as to
whther they ate it of if they used it to grease up.
Lita, Chyna, Tori, Terri and Trish will all attend Howard Stern's
birthday party on January 12 in New York City. Hmm. I can't possibly see
any connection between the five superstars attending, so I'm gonna guess
that they were chosen entirely at random out of all WWF staffers.
The Hardy Boyz and the Lita Gurl will wrestle at an UPW show in Santa
Ana, California on Wednesday, December 20. Santa Ana is Spanish for
!!! PAGE BREAK !!!
Jim enjoyed his "media conference call" he did last Thursday and would
like to make it a monthly deal. Ross started the phone conversation by
screaming that "AT&T BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP!"
" The conversation ended when Jim screamed "MY GOD, THE PHONE LINE IS
BROKEN IN TWO!!!" -- likely meaning he had a caller on the other line --
before the call was unexpectedly disconnected.
Stoning Steve is still a month away from being 100%. In the mean time,
we'll just have to accept his technical style. Just keep your patience
smarts, the brawler we all know and love is just a few weeks away.
The WWF's meeting with Jerry Lynn went better than has been reported on
the Internet, as evident by Ross actually mentioning him by name rather
than calling him "a big-nosed talent with potential" or something. To cover
his ass, Jimbo explains that the request for Lynn to send tapes was
entirely due to younger TV writers not being familiar with his work. WWF
bigwigs like Ross and McMahon *obviously* take time out to check out all
wrestlers everywhere, you see. Jim even knows that Lynn is a very talented
Lita, the Hardyz, Edge, Christian, and even perennial midcarder Kurt
Angle have begun to sell as much merchandise as the "big dogs". And the
great thing is that when you get to that level of merchandise sales, you
stay there for the long haul!
Just ask Tazz. The "li'll orange midget" (Jim's words, not mine! -- or is
that the other way around?) did a great job as color commentator at the UK
PPV, apparently. He was a bit nervous at first, but once he managed to
climb his announcers' chair and get going, he put over the talent and
storylines exceptionally. Other people Jim has worked with have been more
focused on getting themselves over, and he's not talking about Jerry
Lawler. Instead, The Perv focuses on getting words normally used for small
animals over as terms for yummy female bodyparts over, as well as his
political convictions. Still, Tazz is to be commended on his quick learning
that he has no business being over in the WWF.
Three sentences. One promotional plug ("Can You Take the Bland Name?",
JR's BBQ Sauce, WWFShopZone) per sentence. It's not hard to see how Jim
maintains his position; No one is as skilled as he when it comes to these
Blablablah and we'll see you next week. But where? And will we?
The WHOLE JF'N SHOW (but where's the hell is THAT?)
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