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Jonny X



I'm an Idiot, and You Probably Are Too

It didn't really dawn on me that I could be watching something that could unseat The Beach Blast '93 Mini-Movie angle as the worst angle ever until today (Tuesday). Sure, I recapped the show, and I enjoyed the TLC match thoroughly, but I didn't give much thought to Triple H accusing Kane of murdering some girl we've never heard of.

I simply dismissed it like I dismiss most of the crap put before me on Monday nights. Regal's in drag? Whatever. The Godfather's on the wrong roster for no apparent reason? Eh. Kane killed Katie Vick ten years ago? Too bad for her. But then I started thinking, and it finally occurred to me that they have no fucking idea what they're doing. A murder angle? Are they insane?

The idea of Kane killing someone isn't all that far-fetched considering he lit a coffin containing his half-brother on fire and was tempted to give the same fate to The Brood. So, as far as character motivation goes, the angle sort of makes sense. Kane has morphed from an emotionless, freakish, mute monster covered entirely in scar tissue as a result of adolescent burns to a wise-cracking, finely skinned Romeo of a man. And in wrestling time, ten years is horribly long. Most wrestling fans don't even remember ten days ago, let alone ten years ago.

But character continuity aside, this angle makes so little sense, it's mind-boggling to think that the writers (men and women paid to think of creative ideas designed to make money for their employers, mind you) sat down at a table, put this idea on paper, and thought, "Hey, this is fantastic!"

While this may be a shock to some (complete morons), this idea will fail and fail miserably.

I know of no one (on the Internet or otherwise) who watches professional wrestling and thinks, "Wow, I sure wish they would cut back on this wrestling nonsense and get to some more soap opera storytelling. That's why I watch wrestling: to see actors with marginal acting ability perform scenes involving murder, shady histories, and love triangles. That would make this show better."

Let's not forget how much this has to suck for the fans at each live event who have to watch this crap play out in front of them for the next couple of weeks. This is why shows like CSI and NYPD Blue are not filmed in front of audiences. The story doesn't lend itself well to action and audience participation the way wrestling does. Watching a match live is a unique blend of storytelling within the context of violence and hand-to-hand (or chair-to-head) combat. Watching characters talk to each other about murders that happened ten freaking years ago under the pretense of calling this a wrestling show is not only a horrible idea, but offensive to our sensibilities and our desire not to be mindfucked.

If RAW had decent actors, writers, production capabilities, and storytelling acumen, this might turn out to be a worthwhile endeavor into drama. But when lacking not just one of those elements, but ALL of them, the angle is doomed to fail before it begins. I like to think that we as wrestling fans are not stupid, but unfortunately in my heart I know it's not true. I personally have sat through 16 years of wrestling and most of it has not been good. I can't count how many times I've sat through 53 minutes of C-level Superstar VS Jobber matches just to see a Legion of Doom VS Beverly Brothers match on All-American Wrestling. Why do I do this?

Short answer: I'm a fuckin' idiot.

I sit through more bad wrestling than good wrestling. And when it's a good night the balance does not switch, it merely comes closer to the middle. Think about yourselves. Why do you watch RAW? Probably for Booker T, Rob Van Dam, and Chris Jericho or some other three superstars. And how many guys are there on RAW? About 40 or so. You watch for three guys who get no more than 20 minutes between the three of them which leaves 1 hr. and 40 minutes of shit you either don't pay attention to and dismiss, or outright hate.

The smart ones are the casual fans. They stop watching when shit turns south and head for better entertainment. We just sit here practicing our mantra, "Thank you sir! May I have another (Triple H promo)? living in the eternal (although ultimately wrong) hope that we can someday get what we want.

We probably won't, but Vince only crushes our dreams further by presenting a murder angle that no one likes. And that's the most terrifying part. I read that Vince is real high on this angle and hopes to continue with more soap opera angles for the RAW brand.


He thinks this will bring back casual fans. What's his problem? Over the top, charismatic WRESTLERS (big emphasis on that word) who have celebrity potential like Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock bring the casual fans to wrestling. Not some 'roided up caveman accusing a giant penis in a mask of killing a girl none of us know nor care about.

Vince is so pathetically out of touch, I'm becoming embarrassed for him. If he keeps this up, stay tuned for the appearance of such hot cultural commodities as Max Headroom (remember the Smackdown promo?), ALF, and Joe Piscopo.

You laugh, but I'm willing to bet that you thought you'd never see a murder angle either. Fucking McMahon, just give us plenty of action and clean pinfalls and we'll be happy. Start catering to your morons who never leave the product and leave the rest up to faith. Or fate. Either applies in this context. The casual fans come, but the foundation is cracking. You keep up with this and some of us morons will smarten up and find other ways to spend our time.

I'm not excited in the least for RAW next week, but I'll watch it.

Why? Because I'm a fuckin' idiot... but maybe not for long.

Jonny X
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