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Billy Bob Kane




My name is Billy Bob Kane. You may remember from....Well never mind. Let's put that behind us, as I share some letters I sent to the WWF offices in Stamford, CT.

Open letters to WWF superstars for January 2002.

Dear Mr McMahon,

How's it hanging? Don't answer that. I saw Smackdown sir, and I must ask you a few questions. One, how could you expect Jim Ross to interview you in a normal fashion when you had your bare ass in his face a few weeks ago. Two, what kind of man enjoys another man's ass in his face on national television? Three, honestly, what was with your ass in his face? Are you a homosexual Vince? I mean, really, these days it would be better to just come out and admit it instead of being so weird and depraved about it. When you leaned in and told JR he "didn't know you at all" I began to wonder just how much of a 'right hand man' Pat Patterson really is to you. You sent him into the showers to hit on Techno Team 2000, didn't you Vince? But that aside, are you a retard, Vince? Here's why I ask that, because you see, do you really think you are a credible opponent against Ric Flair? Sure, he's no spring chicken these days, but at least he's a broken down athlete. You're just broken down. Do you think anyone is going to take you serious "kicking Flair's ass" at the Rumble? Do you think, for one minute, that because you have big muscles and an even bigger ego that it makes your punches look any more realistic? You still fight like a special Olympian. Do you think your sorry-ass femme-kicks are going to look even slightly painful to anyone watching that match, even with the Nature Boy selling them? Do you think that if a pipe shot and Flair's most monstrous blade job in years couldn't make the people at ringside get out of their seats or stop laughing at you last RAW, that you have any chance of portraying yourself as a credible opponent at the Rumble? And of course, I gotta know...

Did that black eye bring back any memories?

Ah, forget it.


Dear Big Bossman,

How's it going? I was meaning to ask you what brought you back to the WWF. I only wonder that because, frankly, I have never spoken to a wrestling fan anywhere in the free world who even jokingly inquired as to your presence while you were gone. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything, but I took that as a sign you weren't missed. That being said, I really would not mind if you came back, really, I could handle it BBM, but here's the thing. You're in the main events, and that's what gets me. Why are you in the main events? I only wonder that because, well, you can't move like Austin, Rock, RVD, Jericho, Triple H, or Angle, and while you may match the speed of Big Show, Kane and 'Taker, at least they have muscles. I've never seen muscles on you, not even in the eighties. Do you even work out? Granted, it was good to see you with Edge. In the mid-card hovering around the IC title, just like when you were feuding with the Mountie! How did it feel coming out in one of the preliminary matches? Did it feel like something to get used to? It should. Do you know those headbutts you gave to Rock's abdominal region while he was laid on the buckle last week look like frantic kisses? That did kind of turn me on, but it isn't wrestling. But this is not about me. Forget what I said. Just a few more notes. Can you give me Akeem's phone number? I want to get his thoughts on whether or not even pretending to descend from Africa is the reason his talentless ass is jobless and yours is not. Also, can you give me the booking schematics on the Hell in the Kennel match? I want to mail it to the WWA people so they can have a shot at being a solid number two. Three, was that match with Nailz a shoot? Never mind, forget it.

Later "Guardian Angel",

Dear Stone Cold,


Yours in Friendship,

P.S. Annoying, isn't it?

Dear RVD,

You still owe me a dime. And I don't mean money.

Pissed off,

Dear Stephanie,

Try joining a gym, dollface. You're cute, but like most women, once you speak the attraction is tested. And honestly, sweets, if you got an ass like a, you know, planet made out of cheese, then you shouldn't wear such tight clothing. I mean, if you don't got it, don't flaunt it. I don't wear speedos, because I've got a one-inch-soft on a good day. So you shouldn't wear leather or plastic pants, because I have even less than one inch when I see you in that. Ah, forget it. At least both your writing and your on-air presence made the Alliance angle work.

Still Not Believing You Write This Crap,

Dear Rock,

On RAW, your pop was bigger than Austin's and you still came out before him. He also got the victory. On Smackdown, your pop was bigger than RVD's and you still came out before him, but I'll credit you, you did get the victory. But it was over Jericho. Does that even count? The WWF would have Jericho job to Dino Bravo, if he were still alive, or Hillbilly Jim, if he were still active, or K-Kwick if...Well, not K-Kwick. But don't get me started on that. Anyway Rock, when's the last time you pinned Austin? Wrestlemania,,,,Oh wait, you didn't. And you never did get revenge for that shit he put you through, did you? Kind of makes you look like a sap, doesn't it? What's more, you're tagging with him like buddies, but once one of you misses a chairshot or knocks someone off the apron, THEN you'll have a reason to fight. Well that's retarded, Rock. When are you going to stand up and get the respect you deserve? Why are you the only top guy, out of Triple H, Austin, Taker, or Angle that ever actually had to sell for Stephanie McMahon? Why can't you get a title run with a top belt longer than 3 months? Didn't Helmsley have it for, like, eleven? Never mind. Forget it. Just go make some shitty movies; you don't even care anymore.


Dear Jim Ross,

The last time I saw Austin 'give up' or 'show some quit in him' was a couple months ago, since you asked during the main event. I believe everyone saw that. You're not much of a journalist if you forget so easily. In fact, Austin lost the WWF title by submission at Unforgiven. Remember? You are a horrible, horrible journalist. You are a journalist, right? Right? Ah, forget it.


Dear Jericho,

Jericho, do you smell that? Yeah, it's sort of nasty smellin', ain't it? Yeah, that's the reek of shit, and I think it's dripping off that push they're giving you. Don't tell me that a heel has to beg off, did you not watch a single Triple H match in the past two years? Have you beat one guy clean since you won that big worthless title of yours? No, don't answer that. I just want to be a friend, and no, God will not protect your role in the company, you big Jesus freak. God helps those who help themselves. The current WWF booking is practically mocking you. Maybe Kevin Nash was right. By the way, the company respects you so much, you might get the chance to ask him yourself, because he's coming in. Here's a thought, lobby to beat one guy clean. And not Crash or Spike or Tajiri or someone else smaller than you. Someone big. Someone where the win might actually mean something. Someone bald and from Texas, who's career is winding down anyway and does not need to beat top hands to remain over anymore. Someone....Forget it, man.



What the fuck happened to you? You look horrible.



They are portraying you as a big fat island fuck who shits himself before his matches and then rubs his feces-stained pucker in the face of his opponents for the pleasure of thousands of males. Sika must be rolling over in his grave. God, this is so much worse than when your people had to play headshrinkers. Not that you were there for that. You weren't, were you? I mean, you weren't a headshrinker, were you? Because to be portrayed in such a demeaning fashion all those years ago, and then to allow them to do that to you again would show a real lack of fortitude. Ah, forget it! Haku was the headshrinker. I hope. God I miss Yokozuna. Now there was a leg drop.


Dear Terri,

Um....Bitch? You're not hot.

Peddling Reality,

Dear Triple H,

You look big, man. I mean, there was a time when a guy your size in this business was accused of taking, well, something that rhymes with bearoids. But you wouldn't be on anything like that, would you? I mean, it's not like someone needs more than, say three hundred grams of protein a day to look that big. It's not like that claim, made on a trusted media outlet like the Howard Stern show could have been bullshit? And honestly, if you're snogging the boss' daughter, do you really think it's smart to brag about it? And really, how good could Stephanie possibly be in bed? Her voice is shrill enough as it is, I don't even want to ponder the octave she'd hit with a fat one in her bee-hind. Anyway, getting back to your big-ass, Sabretooth-from-X-Men lookin' physique, here's the thing, I just ask because there's another guy who was as psychotic about muscles as you are. His name was Big Poppa something, and he fucked up his back royal because he refused to drop the muscle mass to heal it. I just hope you're smarter than that. But hell, you're the smartest man in wrestling! If you weren't, you would have had a full-length interview by now, instead of keeping everyone anticipating. So I won't mention that you look like a human box, that you threw a screwy clothesline on Monday because your arm wouldn't straighten all the way, and that you could barely keep your arms bent on Smackdown to pedigree properly. Because I know you can never be too big. And you know that you can never be too big. And I know that you know that you know that I know that you can never be too big. So forget it.

Rarely wrong,

Billy Bob Kane

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