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It seems that every online wrestling fan is doing a "Retro Rant" of pay-per-views, old videotapes, and television specials. Frankly, I'm sick and tired of seeing some no-talent load write the exact same thing Scott Keith did months (or is it years?) ago. With that in mind I have prepared for you the Retro Rant for December 8th, 2000, a lame Friday in the life of Kleintime.

7:30 AM 1st Event- The Gymnasium. I work out at the local recreation center. It has two attractive qualities: it's close to my house, and only costs $35 dollars a year. Downside is that the low price attracts vagrants. Anyhow, I have a decent workout except for the fact that there are a bunch of old people on death's door utilizing the Smith Machine. I want to use the Smith Machine, but because they're old it takes them 20 minutes to do what a regular person could do in 5. I have to subtract a star for the cast of "Ebeneezer Geezers", and also another star for the lack of attractive women. **

9:30 AM 2nd Event- Morning Workday. Nothing major is going on in the office. My boss and I discuss downloading the trial version of "Rune" and running it on our LAN. He proceeds to use Download Accelerator to do this, which sucks all the bandwidth and prohibits me from cruising the Web. Therefore, I am forced to work. * _

12 PM 3rd Event- Lunch. We go to the Old Country Buffet. The chicken is not its usual excellent dish, old people strike again, and the Ranch dressing is not really Ranch. When I ask the manager of the dump why they don't use real Ranch, she claims it is real because she can see it. I'm tempted to take a "real dump" in the Salisbury Steak and see if she notices that. Finally, the fellow who will "clean up our plates" won't stop hovering over our table. He could learn from Sir William Regal that a handkerchief is indeed our friend. DUD

1:30 PM 4th Event- Afternoon Workday. We play Rune, which is ok. It was fun for 20 minutes, and I don't see myself running out to buy it. We then switch to Quake III, and blast the afternoon away. A check comes in for $1792 and it's Friday which means this day gets a high rating as a matter of principle. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, we have high school girls that come and work for us in the afternoon. High School Girls. Yes, I'm a pervert, but these girls are hot. I mean, they're no Trish but you know what? Trish ain't bending over in front of me to pick up my trash. Instant elevation is achieved and the 4th event gets an automatic ****.

5 PM 5th Event- Early Partying. The usual routine is to go out to a club that offers a happy hour from 7 to 9 with 75 cent beers, and drink as many as we can. Tonight, I'm looking for a change of pace and decide to stay in. I head to the liquor store and pick up some Vodka and grab some Mountain Dew from 7-11. It's looking like a Green Froggy night. The Friday night traffic is a bitch. Everyone is trying to get to the malls to buy their supposed "loved ones" presents. Meanwhile, I have to wait to get drunk. *

7 PM 6th Event- I start to get buzzed and watch "Rules of Engagement." I'm a big Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson fan so this was a must-see. I think it's a decent flick, and that's a huge compliment from me. I hate most movies, so if I think it's watchable it's usually pretty good. My buzz is really starting to kick in, and I'm not feeling violent quite yet. Usually Smirnoff's affects me that way, but tonight I seem to be mellow. ***

9PM 7th Event -Fate- I jump online to check my email, and my ex-fiancee is online at the same time. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of months. She and another friend are partying at her place, and I invite them over to my new house. They accept and claim they'll be over shortly. I begin running around like a lunatic to clean up, and start to drink faster and faster. 2 blurred stars.

11PM 8th Event-The Meeting. They show up, and my ex is on me like Viscera at a free buffet. She misses me, wants me, yada yada yada. We drink some more, and her friend leaves us there alone. * for the conversation

12 AM/10 AM- The Main Event. I'm not going to give you "blow by blow" but needless to say, Space Mountain was open yet again. Let me say that I don't know if I'll ever see her again, and I've had relations (trademark Kurt Angle) with many women. But she is the greatest performer I've ever had *****. Match of the Year, without question.

Overall, an average day made better by the main event. The old people and needless yakking were made bearable by other factors. Recommended.


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