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Marvellous Martin



Helping to make a long week feel just that little bit longer.

*Yawn* happy New Year folks. Only a year to go until the new millenium (was there a ZERO AD? I don't think so!) and I am back with my erratic but captitvating column. I hope you guys didn't have any problems with the Y2K problem (power surges my ass), though I had a Will2K problem, that song is on every three fucking minutes!

Slow week for wrestling wasn't it? Considering both big feds are trying to build up to their PPVs.

Want to know what I'm wearing? Oh. Okay never mind. I was just asking.

Can you believe THE MAN CRZ asked me for hot sex? I won't tell you what my answer was but it involved hamsters and fondant nipple icing :)

Did you guys get anything wrestling-related for Christmas? I got a Goldberg FEAR THE SPEAR pack with Goldberg, a locker, a chair, a belt and, get this a BREAKABLE TABLE!!!! All I need now is another figure and I'm all set (doh!). I also got the video of STARRCADE '89 - FUTURE SHOCK, one of the greatest PPV's ever even though the Great Muta gets his ass kicked. Honestly, if you want to see what American wrestling used to be like back in the 'good old days', watch some WCW stuff from back then. It's this stuff that got me into wrestling in the first place.

Poor Kane. That man must be a close second to Ed Leslie (Brutus Beefcake/Booty Man/Zodiac/The Disciple etc) for the record of having the most bad gimmicks/angles. He was an evil dentist, and he was JR's Diesel rip-off (dear god spare us). If that wasn't enough they then make him the Undertaker's horrifically scarred brother and put him in a feud with good ol' Undie that lasts for about five years (why didn't the Undertaker just zap him with a lightning bolt?). Just as the poor bastard is getting some credibility as a wrestler thanks to his teaming/feuding with X-Pac, they do this lame angle with him and Tori. Let's forget he's the best big man in wrestling at the moment (though that's because Wrath isn't working) and lets concentrate on how easily led he is by that deep-voiced hussy and how he keeps remembering how to speak and then forgetting again. I think he should lose the mask and just have some cool facial scarring, then he could do facial expressions and stuff. Though it was cool seeing him do that 'tilted head like a confused puppy' thing.

The whole DX skit on Mankind (I've been fired - by Mick Foley I actually laughed!) made me think of the old New World Order skits from a while back. I remember Scott Hall dressing up like Roddy Piper and saying "They call me the Hot Rod coz' I've got six kids." That was some funny shit.

Xavier Doom still hasn't emailed me back. Why Xavier? I thought we were friends! I'll keep on pushing his brilliant site anyway - go to it and find out where I get a lot of my information from!!

I have finished reading Mick Foley's book and it is excellent!! No wrestling fan should be without this book. The man worked so hard for so long and he did it all for the fans. What a guy. There are some great insights and some funny stories. I actually found myself comparing his story of the Bret Hart screw job with how it is told in Wrestling With Shadows. Its kind of amusing hearing Bret saying on TV that he had talker to Earl Hebner and there would be no problems during the match, when Mick says in his book that as soon as the match ended Earl left the ring and leapt into a waiting car and took off! Honestly though, this book deserves to be a #1 bestseller, though the WCW bashing gets a little out of hand at times. Buy it.

I was genuinely swerved when I discovered that Ric Flair wasn't the new commish, it was TERRY FREAKIN' FUNK!!!! Cool. I wonder if it has anything to do with Flair wanting to leave and being taken out of all WCW schedules for the foreseeable future...

I hate to admit it, but I LOVE this David Flair gimmick. I'm not sure if it's because I find it genuinely entertaining, or because it's one of the worst wrestling gimmicks EVER. The intro to his entrance theme with the hysterical demented laughing and the screaming is really cool. Or is it shit? I'm not sure. I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!

Speaking of entrance themes, what do YOU, yes, YOU think is the best entrance theme EVER? Before the WWF had all those rap/rock songs by that band that want to be Rage Against the Machine, they had classics like the Million Dollar Man's theme - *MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!* and the Ultimate Warrior's theme - *dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur DUR DUR!! TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE TWIDDLE WOOOOOOOWWWRRRRR!!* So what do you reckon? Mail me and tell me!

Was there anybody out there who thought Paul Wight was going to beat Triple H again on Monday? I think even Jim Ross saw how inevitable it is. Speaking of JR, how many times did he say "LOW BLOW"? Too many to count.

Standards and Practices. Hmm. Its good to see Lenny and Lodi back on TV, but when they made their debut they arrived out of nowhere and the audience didn't give a shit. Then they got attacked by David and Crowbar and STILL nobody in the crowd gave a shit. I'm really starting to think Russo has absolutely no idea what the hell he's doing.

Please tell me if I'm wrong, but is it possible that Nitro cutting to two hours could help boost Raw's ratings? Raw have an unopposed hour now, so where are the viewers going to go when Nitro finishes? The second hour of Raw could get record high ratings as a result couldn't it?

An interesting thing I read was that Nash and Hall want out of their contracts so they can go to the WWF. That would be one more nail in the WCW coffin if it was true wouldn't it? I they lost Nash and Hall, Benoit would be the only guy left who would get a crowd reaction. I would be kind of like that WWF Half-time Heat with the empty arena. Not that much different from normal actually.

I don't like the idea of Chyna AND Jericho both defending the title. I would have thought the match on Smackdown would have been a no-decision. They could have restarted the match like they did in the Hardys/Edge & Christian cage match when Christian and Matt both hit the floor at the same time. Anyway, I don't like the idea because we have to see more of Chyna's putrid wrestling. Wouldn't it be far cooler if they put her in the woman's division and she destroyed them all? It would be like the good old days of the genuine squash machine. I'm not talking about the Rock coming out and beating Val Venis in a minute or something like that. I'm talking about proper squash machines like when Goldberg first started his win streak, vintage Sid Vicious (when he came from "where ever he damn well pleases"!) when the jobber would get pounded for about thirty seconds, finisher, squash. I'm sure that if she wrestled Luna she would be almost watchable. Chyna needs her own finisher, because the Pedigree kinda sucks to start with but in Chyna's hands it's just crap. I wonder if she would be capable of some sort of Raven-style Evenflow DDT, its not a difficult move to pull off and looks cool. All she'd have to do is grab their head and then throw her legs up in the air and fall backwards. However the move has real-life risks, Chyna is so sloppy she'd probably end up killing someone with it. I wonder how comfortable she would be with just never EVER wrestling again? I know I'd be pretty comfortable with that.

Speaking of Jericho, CHRIS!! Trim the beard you're starting to look like a character from Robin Hood or something - Bradshaw is the Sheriff of Nottingham. Chyna is Little John HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Sorry.

Can you tell it's been a slow week?

Still speaking of Jericho, I got a massive kick out of him saying the Intercontinental situation was A CONSPIRACY. Kick ass. If he goes and finds an obscure rule in a big old book, I will mark out like I have never marked out before.

British TV is indeed very screwy. I'm sure Richard Craig said in his column a little while back that our Channel 4 was showing the Royal Rumble. But the WWF update on WWF Superstars last week said its on Sky Sports One, while Raw still says "check local listings". Once again, I'm confused.

If Triple H really wanted to fire The Rock, why doesn't he just straight FIRE HIM? Why do these stupid matches? He was ultimate control, just fire the bastard and be done with it. Unless its part of another heel turn for Rocky........

That's it for now folks. My next column will be a Royal Rumble preview, though it seems they're hyping up the actual rumble itself at the moment. Though I suppose they haven't set up the main even yet. Then come back to read my first attempt at match reporting as I take my first job as WWF PPV GUY!!!! I can't believe nobody else is already doing full reports for them. Somebody offer to report the WCW PPVs won't you? I'd do them only I don't get the WCW PPVs over here and I'll be staying up until after 4 am doing the WWF ones anyway. Be a sport, you could be as famous as ME! (If you're not reading Chris Jones' WCW PPV reports, you're poo poo. Now, I *do* need somebody to do the *ECW* ones... - CRZ)

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry it sucked. Please mail me with your opinions, feedback, insults, where I can find more Muta gifs (PLEASE!!!!), that I'm wonderful and you want to have my babies, whatever. Don't forget about telling me what your favourite entrance theme is. Remember that if you mail me, I will personally reply to every last one of you. Something I can't say about one certain /wrestling columnist.

Remember, I know I'm quirky but its meant to be endearing.

Marvellous Martin
[slash] wrestling

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