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Marvellous Martin




If you ever find the time, pay a visit to Actually, don't, it sucks. If you're going to go there, restrict your visit to previews and the Nitro Girls pages, if you are so inclined, then bolt. As another service to you, dear [slash] readers, I have taken it upon myself to take the plunge into the dark and disturbing depths of to show you what you are 'missing'.

So, you have clicked past the big advert for the PPV no-one is going to buy, and you arrive at:

The Main Page

As you will notice, clearly stole their layout ideas from Seriously though, the layout features a stunning combination of white and a metal pattern coloured blue, like the texture you find on metal walkways to stop you from falling over you clumsy idiot. I remember when Bill Banks defected to WCW and said "we will be improving the site over the next few months", well I guess Bill is either a lazy bastard or has been in a serious accident because it is PRACTICALLY UNCHANGED. Click on the 'full preview link' for Nitro and you are whisked away, to a Mark 'The Mouth That Bores' Madden column OOOOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!! Good work guys, no really, Madden needs all the hits he can get.

Anyway, the link bar at the top left links you to a bunch of places you don't really want to go to, except for NITRO GIRLS (I'll get to that later) and perhaps SUPERSTARS (Again, I'll get to this later too). But for now lets concentrate on the links elsewhere down the main page. Unfortunately they consist mainly of crappy and extremely vague reports of the TV shows. Last week's Nitro report says, "Even after a devastating attack on the world champion backstage, in the end, Vicious proved why he is and always will be the master and ruler of the world." Pity poor Bill 'Don' Johnson who writes these, he's got a family to provide for. I noticed that no-one even takes credit for the Thunder and Saturday Night reports. A Mark Madden column lies festering near the bottom; shall we take a peak? "I'm worried that Miss Hancock is going to make Tony drop dead one of these days. Worse yet, I guess that means I'd have to work with Mike Tenay or Scott Hudson." yeah, but worse for whom? Though there isn't one now, there is often a poll, which seem to get longer and longer every week in a 1wrestling kind of way that I find very worrying. Though seeing as both sites have the same staff, its to be expected really. Speaking of 1wrestling, Bob 'I Don't Know Whose Joke I'm Chuckling At' Ryder sometimes writes a 'news and gossip' column for WOW! giving us the inside scoop! Surely if their superiors found out they were giving away this secret information they'd get in so much trouble!

I can't avoid it any longer, here we go to:

The Nitro Girls!!!!!!

You see this site is great because it shows we have the Nitro Girls all wrong, we don't realise that they are real, intelligent people just like us non-Americans are! Spice says "I'm also a doctor of Chiropractic", showing she is also a master of grammar! Tygress' nugget of wisdom is "Don't listen to your logic, listen to your heart", she has also been voted 'Nitro Girl most likely to accidentally kill herself in an illogical way'. Also, Chae says "I'm better at this than anyone: Keeping an open mind." - does that mean she'd go out with me? Baby ("Who the fuck is Baby?" - Kim (Bitchfactor)) is one of the new Nitro Girls and is called Baby because that name is as unremarkable as she is! But who cares? She can DANCE!! Chiquita (who the fuck is Ch- oh never mind) says her star sign in Scorpio AND Sagittarius, impressive. She was also born on two different continents! Chiquita says she likes to "talk to the crowd and let them have fun right along with me......They love and appreciate that they feel a part of you!" - so you really get value for your ticket money if Chiquita comes your way!! So as you can see, the Nitro Girls site is a veritable feast of interesting and entertaining facts (Skye's legs are forty one fucking inches!) and images (look! They're, they're, DANCING!), and as you only need the mouse to select things, that leaves one hand FREE!

As I try to forget what I just typed, I quickly move on to my favourite part of

The SUPERSTARS section!!!

This area of the site raises many questions like where did these wrestlers come from? What is their motivation for wrestling? Who writes this shit? Before I read the profile on the Demon, I had no idea he was actually the fifth member of Kiss that didn't want to play music but WRESTLE instead! Apparently Meng was expertly trained in nine forms of martial arts though he must have taken a nasty blow to the head however and forgotten them since! About Al Greene, it says "Now settled in WCW, Greene fights through the competition each week, hoping to elevate himself to the next level. With his impressive physique, his vast experiences, and his continued desire to excel, expect to see Al Greene making a stir within the ranks of World Championship Wrestling." Who are they trying to kid with that one? I mean, Greene was #1 contender once but I'm not sure if he could reach those heights of success again. Either that or Al writes these. The stunning accuracy is something to behold, such as the part in Vampiro's profile where it says "It's not uncommon to see cruiserweights take to the top rope, but rarely had a man over 250 pounds utilised aerials more than once or twice in a match.", this statement would have meant something if the the top of the profile didn't state Vampiro's weight as 230 lbs! I think Mark Madden writes these! On occasion though, they go and blatantly lie about things, such as when they say Tony Schiavone "brings all the play-by-play action into millions of homes each week." Since when? There's no mention of Tony's twelve marriages either, though it does say he has FIVE KIDS, I mean how did TONY get laid FIVE TIMES? This part of the site is perhaps the most informative, as it shows all these under-used guys who are going to be buried for the majority of their careers. Good one

So there you have it, a report on that is nearly as badly written as the site itself. From the dull show reports, to utter shit written by Mark Madden, to Bob Ryder's useless rumours section, and all the other crap I've mentioned, this site is about average as far as wrestling web sites go really.

But don't start getting all superior on's ass, is a big stinking pile of horse manure too.

See you folks next time.

*NOTE* - I am making a slight change to the format of my writing on [slash]. Columns based on one thing in particular will get their own heading, rather than being put under 'Marvellous Musings'. When there is a 'Marvellous Musings', it will be a smaller column featuring, well, MUSINGS actually. Feedback will be very much appreciated, as usual.


Marvellous Martin
[slash] wrestling

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