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Gregg Mixdorf



Stevie Ray pondering how to replace suplex with fuplex and wondering how in the hell can he work his momma into this weeks Thunder commentary.

You got to know your beans from your cornbread. That is what Stevie Ray's Mom told him many years ago (at least that is what he told us when Tigress was getting her ass kicked by Jindrak and O'Hair). You got to know your beans from your cornbread. Now I'm not exactly sure what that means but it makes me think that Stevie Ray might be a genius. This man produces more memorable lines a week on commentary than anyone in recent memory. I know most of you will say what about Lawler and his puppy obsession? What about Gertner and his dirty limericks? What about JR and his sloberknocker call? Those guys are all good and hit their signature lines well, but Stevie Ray is a cut above. The man has a genius with the English language that can't be ignored. We all should have seen it when he was spouting off 'it's on like neckbone' years ago. Now he is just developing this genius to an entire new level. For example the line 'Tony, can I ax you somthin?' That is fucking brilliant. The syntax by itself is amazing. The way Stevie Ray brings that ax sound into the sentence amplifies the importance of the asking of the question. He lets Tony know that he needs to ask him a question and that he needs the fucking answer now. In this case Tony as usual wasn't on the ball and didn't respond to Stevie's question. So Stevie in an even louder and deeper tone hits the sentence 'Tony, Can I AX You Somthin?!' Notice that I capitalized the ax to emphasize that Stevie Ray himself emphasized this to his idiot announce partner who seemingly couldn't understand the damned question. The emphasis in this sentence on the ax shows that Stevie understands his own genius with the English language, and that he is on a different level from his fellow announcers. The man just understands that he can actually announce a match and keep fans interested while the other two decide it would be better to tell everyone how real something is or hype the main event that Stevie doesn't even waste his breath on.

The man is just amazing with what he can do on the mic next to the two biggest announcing goofs in wrestling today. Check out these incredibly linguistic lines from Wednesday's Thunder. 'Thank God my watch is waterproof.' This line is incredible containing brilliant alliteration along with a great one liner when someone dumped Tony's water on the announce table. Other one-liners concerning the announce table. 'Tony and Mike, TONY AND MIKE! I'm putting in a request to get this table reinforced for next week. How can you do your job like this?' Stevie axes the question on every wrestling fans mind how do they do their job. They of course had no answer to the current greatest announcer in wrestling today. Other great maneuvers of the mouth by Stevie Ray include him riffing about ref Micky J. 'He is probably the most in shape ref we have.' After Micky takes a bump. 'The only way this thing can continue is because of the resiliency of Micky J.' Another classic issued from Stevie's potent piehole. 'It's all intestinal fortitude right now as we speak.' Of course he works in the obligatory yak mention. For those of you who ain't down with the Stevie lingo quite yet I will translate for you. Yak is used to reference a wrestling woman. 'You can't keep track of these yaks; they do what they want to. Don't you get it?' He drops the sucka line like a wicked Stevie elbow. 'Sucka's need to know' Tony: 'gotsta know' Stevie: 'yeah gotsta.' Then he drops the super duper line of the night when he refers to a move by Elix Skipper, member of Team Canada. 'That was a very skilful move and from two constipated comedians that's what you'll get.' That sentence showcases the man's true ability as an orator. He hits an adjective that alliterates as it modifies. Downright fucking amazing.

Then Stevie Ray gets down right funky as he begins his path to greatness. He innovates a new word on air. 'FUPLEXES!' Damned if that man isn't the future of announcing. As Tony said during the broadcast, 'Stevie, you're the man.' That is the first thing I've been able to agree with Tony on in quite some time.

Here is a little thing I wrote up about Bobby Knight. It isn't exactly a column by itself so I thought I'd tack it on at the bottom of this one.

Bobby Knight would have made a great heel. The guy is in character all the time. He can make anybody seem like a sympathetic character. I actually felt for Jeremy Schapp during his interview with Knight on ESPN the other night. It was one of the best half an hour sit down heel promo of all time. The best moment was when Knight drops the bomb on Schapp. He menacing leans closer to Schapp and the camera and says, "You've got a long way to go to be as good as your dad." You can feel the anger behind his statement. His desire to hurt and humiliate a good young journalist on TV seems to be most important to him. What an incredible heel. He plays the part to perfection. The arrogance, the incredible confidence in himself, he is the only one who speaks the truth about himself, he likes to throw chairs, master of the strap (well whip anyway) match, has an incredible head butt, doesn't help members of his heel stable out when they need him yet demands an undying loyalty to himself, and he wants people to pray for his family's success. All things that make you want to boo and hate him. What an impressive wrestling character. Too bad that he isn't just a fictional character but a real human being.

Gregg Mixdorf
[slash] wrestling

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