You are here
Guest Columns




NO WAY OUT 2/18/02

Pre-Show Countdown

Coach is babbling again. Babble babble... blah blah blah. Tons of footage I've seen at least 3 times now. Blah blah blah. Wow! Aaron ate a beet! Yes, its true, watching him eat a veggie he usually hates is more interesting than what is going on, on the TV.

Lord, Steph should really just keep quiet. Shh... be quiet. Argh, my ears are bleeding... shush your noise. My goodness she looks more and more like a vampire whore from outer space ever time I see that clip of her hissing at the "wedding".

Blah... blah... Coach is about as interesting as, as... something really bland. I mean calling him as interesting as white rice is an insult to grains everywhere. And clipping my toenails at least provides the entertainment of trying to find the one that flew off somewhere.

Oh lord, there's still 15 min of this boring repetition. I think I'll poke Aaron while he's eating and see if he chokes or something interesting. * Poke pokepoke poke poke poke POKE pokepoke poke poke * I think I have thoroughly confused him. He wants to know if I want him to go get me something.

I wish I had some ironing or something to do during this "bore you to death so the PPV looks like a masterpiece in comparison" countdown.

Those horrid red patterned pants Jericho had on 'mac'down are just atrocious. I'm really enjoying his gum chewing, bad pants wearing, belt touch teasing, heel gimmick. Those checkered pants he has are especially ugly in a good way.

Bleh... bleh... Shut up Coach.

Oh thank god. Blissful black screen of Coachlessness.

Hmm. N W O right away? Not expecting that. Hope no one with epilepsy is watching this strobe crap. Thank god they are all wearing shirts. Man, how long is this strobe thing going to go on? I'm getting a headache from it.

Hall looks like a drunk rabbit with that stupid bandanna. I think I'll call him Thumper. Nash is babbling. Now Thumper wants to speak. Remember, Thumper, if you don't have anything nice to say... Oh boy, Thumper thinks he sounds cool on the mic. Shush Thumper, and try to remember to shave next time. Now the Hulkster is going to speak and show how bad his voice has gotten over the years. He's all gravelly and grizzled. Aww... Hogan wants a chance. I think he should be given a chance to wear long sleeves and cover those icky leathery old man elbow folds.

Man they couldn't walk slower on their way to the back. The WWF is going to have to buy cattle prods for the stagehands to make sure they don't dawdle in the future.

Match 1. Tag Team Turmoil (aww... how cute an alliteration)

Woo! WormBoy and the Hat Size Hippo! Wearing lovely outfits themed in a CRZ approved shade of yellow. Vs The Canadian Crybaby and Lance "I don't have a humorous bone in my body" Storm. Storm in his usual tights and Christian in some truly hideous gold tights with his usual mesh shirt. This part of the match is sort of boring. Storm does a funny over sell of Albert toss him off in a pin. Boy sells himself right out of the damn ring. Scottie looks so gosh darned happy when he gets ready for the Worm... but it is not to be. Christian gets the pin.

Cue The Hardys

Orange hair for Jeff. Not quite sure what color that mesh is supposed to be, purple? Matt in a purple beanie and purple sleeveless Hardy shirt. Lita clashes with the scene in a pink and olive outfit.

Some stuff happens... Jeff gets the pin.

Cue the trio in Urban Camo. Black, white, and gray... always in season. Ah! Jeff's mesh is purple with a yellow shirt underneath, thus causing that strange green sheen to it. Matt sure looks like he's put on a few pounds.

Lots of good hits and kicks in this fight. And Stacie disappoints the entire crowd by wearing culottes on a night she gets knocked down. Oh you poor dears...

Ooooooo... Upset. Matt gets the pin. Dudleys take revenge by taking out Jeff.

Cue the horrid music of Team Flame On. Billy makes quick work of Matt and gets the pin, wearing far too much red.

APA arrives wearing their new tights with the card hands on them. A pair of Aces on each I believe.

Well, Billy gets a bloody nose; lucky for him it matches his undies. Chuck's pigtails fall into disarray. Sort of a freshly pinned look. Nice flip by Billy, taking a clothesline from Bradshaw. Bradshaw gets the pin. APA is going to Wrestlemania to face the champs.

JR uses the word slobberknocker AGAIN. Get this man a damn Thesaurus.

Wrestlemania commercial... quick everybody go pee. Sour Skittles... now there's a quality sponsor...

Cole Interviews Flair.

Cole in black T and Jeans. Flair in a sporty but distinguished black polo and tweed sportscoat.

Undertaker interrupts to hide his balding with a beanie and overplay the leather thing.

Match 2: Golddust VS RVD

Golddust... gaudy, darling. The black helps a bit, but the gold is just overpowering. RVD... oh thank you god, he's wearing black. That should help hide his obvious ass sweat problem.

JR with the "almost beheaded" again. I am starting to think he's really a robot they program to do commentary.

RVD starts the match dominating almost insanely. Golddust walks out of the ring. Hmm... pretty boring so far. I start thinking about the new bed we got delivered this morning. Mmmm... soft comfortableness. Oooh... RVD catches a ring rope with his neck, ouch. Some sort of really dumb looking submission hold by Golddust. Oh dear, some of his face paint has worn off his chin. Low blow by RVD breaks the hold. RVD does this odd move where he jumps on Golddust's chest and looks like he's going to kiss him. Bitchslap by Golddust. Frogsplash to mat.

This is the match that never ends... it just goes on and on my friend...

RVD lands the Frogsplash and finally gets the pin. My favorite match so far.

WWF Life Ad, WWF Rebellion Ad... everyone gets to pee again.

Stone Cold bumps into the three grumpy bunnies.

"It's the Rattlesnake" says Thumper.

The N W O tries to be nice... really they do. Steve tosses away their (empty sounding) beer and they nicely move aside to let him pass.

Match 3: Booker T and Test VS Taz and Spike

Test in his normal leather, Booker in red undies. Taz tries to look skinny in slimming black and Spike in his usual duds.

Wow, this match is really boring. Spike pins Test by the legs, bouncing while he does so, looking for all the world like he's giving head. What IS wrong with Test's nipples? They're unnaturally tiny and point straight down. You ever notice that? For that matter doesn't it seem like all the wrestlers have strangely small nipples? Are they just constantly erect? Are they required to get nipple jobs? Is it a side effect of "training"? I've seen a decent amount of male nipplage in my day, and I think I can safely say that the average male nipple is a bit larger than the average wrestler's nipple. Where was I? Oh yeah, the match...

Yawn, still boring. Spike is so carrying this match for Taz. Why do they still let him wrestle? Ooop, there he got tagged in. A whole slew of clotheslines from Taz, not that he could make many other moves look believable. Test taps out to the completely LAME Tazmission after roughing up the Ref.

Another commercial. Tough Enough 2. Al Snow looks cute as a goalie.

Coach interviews Rock

Both in black. Rock uses the word "My" in reference to his career. My brain seems to have shut completely off for the rest of the segment.

Wrestlemania Countdown graphic

Match 4 Edge and Regal (Brass Knuckles)

Edge wears that really amazing long vinyl trench coat with latch fasteners (I WANT!... The coat... I'd sell Edge into slavery in Mexico if I had to take him with it) paired with some tasteful white and silver tights. Regal in black undies. The intercontinental Belt covers everything but his penis. I really could have gone without having my attention drawn to that. I'm really looking forward to his being stripped of the belt so I can go back to ignoring it.

Edge does a lot of teeth gritting (Grrr... I'm Edge... I'm Hardcore... GRRR)

Edge ends up bleeding late in the match (in case you have a blood thing and want to know that sort of details)

Regal tries a powerbomb on the edge of the ring, Regal ends up taking a bad fall as Edge kicks out. Edge goes for the knucks; Regal kicks him back and grabs them. Edge throws him down, knocking them (the knucks) loose. Edge goes for the knucks and Regal kicks them out of the ring. Edge knocks him down and goes out of the ring for them, coming back only to be knocked out by a second pair apparently secreted behind that bulge so prominently displayed earlier.

Don't Do This At Home Spot. But, we just got a new bed, and its almost as big as a wrestling ring... maybe just one flying leg drop off the desk later.

Lillian interviews Kurt

Kurt babbles about being the best. Crowd shouts "What?"

Match 5: Undertaker and Rock

Naptime. Rock over sells. Undertaker takes his own damn sweet time doing moves. I think I'll recap the crowd, as it was far more entertaining.

Someone's Mom hugs the Rock as he struggles to come back along the barrier.

Someone else's Mom takes a picture of the Rock's butt as he gets fenced on the barrier.

What the hell is this Bear Hug submission by the Undertaker? "Oh no... I can't breathe... someone is squeezing my lower back... Help... The Undertaker is loving me to death."

Rock wins as Flair runs in and whacks the Undertaker in the head with a rubber (I mean Lead... churches churches... A DUCK!) pipe. Vince manages to get into the fray too.

WWF New York

MR Perfect. Ewwww Ewww... My eyes are burning. He is soo icky. Make him go away... Mommy! Wow, he isn't making any sense at all.

More Recap boredom. Apparently some people don't watch TV OR the Countdown.

Match 6: Kurt and HHH #1 contender spot

Steph's boobs look even more gigantic in stripes. She has the announcer corrected and has him announce her again without the Helmsley in her name. Black leather culottes that look dumb, and her hair all crimped and ho-y looking. And for some unexplainable reason a black and rhinestone choker. Ugh... You can hear her clearly even without a mic. Shhhh... you are waking up bats a thousand miles away, girl.

Blah blah wrestling... blah blah Kurt bumps Steph over the top rope (very nicely taken by her... though her set up was obvious) a real Ref takes over... then Steph comes back... HHH gets screwed... and thankfully Steph goes back off stage where we can't hear her.

Match 7: Some sort of title match with Stone Cold and Jericho

To be honest I didn't pay much attention to this match. I've seen both these guys wrestle tons of times now and they don't pull out anything new. Instead I play the "Will the N W O come out now?" game. Now? No... how about Now? Would they hurry up and get out here, I'm starting to get bored of this whole PPV. Finally they show up, make sure Jericho wins, and then beat the hell out of Steve Austin (it should be noted that Stone Cold would not sell the Stunner to Thumper) and Thumper paints NWC on his back because he screws up and puts half the O on Austin's undies.

I think that about sums it up, so I'm going to go get a root beer and play some mindless video games for awhile.


Mail the Author
Visit PFFFT! - The wacky webcomic

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission