You are here /wrestling
Guest Columns

Jay Ramsperger




Hello and welcome to my first ever piece for /slash. In case you don't know me, my name is Jay, and I'm the silly sum[bleep]ch who volunteered to do the Q&D for ECW's latest PPV extravaganza For This Very Website. In a fit of markishness, I also volunteered to do predictions as well.

Quick note before we begin: Is it just me, or is the state of US wrestling starting to mirror the the 2000 presidential campaign? We got the champs from 1996 (Democrats/WCW) who have done practically everything they could to alienate their audience such that their major competitors (Republicans/WWF) could put forth an effort that at times can make you cringe and still be considered number one, and then we have the scrappy third party (Greens/ECW) who aren't even on the ballot in some polling places. All I have to say is this: Ralph, I hope you reach your magic number and get on the ballots next election. Paul E., I hope and pray you get your promotion another national TV contract and soon.

I just realized I sounded like national TV wrestling broadcasts. One segment about politics before we get on with the wrestling. Anyway, on with the show...

Balls Mahoney/Chilly Willy vs. Da Baldies in a flaming table match

Backstory: A return match from Anarchy Rulz (the PPV, not the shite videogame from Ack-Lame). Last time, Balls got stapled and had his chair taken from him. The latter is what will probably go down as Mistake #1.

What Should Happen: Balls does a flaming chair spot and the Baldies get to see the lumber factory.

What Will Happen: About how many months did the Baldies/New Jack feud drag on? Da Bald Remoraz of Heat pull the victory out of their asses here.

Super Crazy vs. Lil' Arn

Backstory: Super Crazy, the most over cruiserweight in ECW's roster, went back to Mexico for a bit. He was sorely missed and returns in this match against C.W. Anderson.

What Should Happen: Crazy puts on a lucha clinic and gets the duke in an early frontrunner for Match of the Night.

What Will Happen: See above. C.W.'s got enough of a technical background to make this more than a Crazy spotfest.

Believe It Or Not, It's Just Nova vs. No Longer Living La Vida Loca

Backstory: Chris Chetti severed his ties with Nova after they jobbed in the first round of the Tag Title Tournament. After getting his ass beat by Balls Mahoney, he faces his former partner. I believe another website's name/slogan sums up my attitude toward this match: Don't Care, Can't Make Me.

What Should Happen: Chetti wins as this writer gets himself a sandwich and fans test the plumbing.

What Will Happen: Somehow I see Nova winning this one, continuing his singles push.

Kid Kash/Doring/Roadkill vs. Simon Diamond/Cash Money Jobbers

Backstory: The Even Newer F'n Show and Dawn Marie's SO will be working that night in a six man tag with Danny Doring/Roadkill and EZ Money/Julio Dinero/"Confederate Currency" Chris Hamrick.

What Should Happen: The Cash Money Jobbers are no substitute for Simon's usual partners, Johnny Swinger (currently nursing a fractured eye socket) and C.W. Anderson. I see the faces winning as Doring/Roadkill need to be that third big tag team in the EC Dub.

What Will Happen: Hamrick interferes to give Simon and the rest of the Cash Money Jobbers the duke, or at least a moral one if a heel beatdown ensues.

Today's FBI (with Fat Bastard Sal E. Graziano) vs. Unholy Altar Boy/Internet Demigod Yoshihiro Tajiri for the ECW Tag Titles

Backstory: Mikey Whipwreck and Tajiri won the Tag Title Tournament at Hammerstein, but lost it the following night when Tajiri's work visa expired. The Japanese Buzzsaw's return at Anarchy Rulz wasn't enough to take the titles back from the FBI (with copious interference from Fat Bastard). Maybe the third time's the charm?

What Should Happen: The Sinister Ministry win this one, and Tony Mamaluke DIES LIKE A MAN.

What Will Happen: More interference by Big Sal is a given, but it won't be enough. Tajiri/Whipwreck get the belts back.

Rhino vs. Iron Wrestler Compton (sorry Butch, couldn't resist) for the ECW TV Title

Backstory: Rhino helped Iron Wrestler Mimic in trying to keep New Jack out of officiating the title match at AR. New Jack made it anyway, and swore he'd put Rhino out on the streets in a dress. The line on run-ins on this match goes like this:

    Justin Competent: 3-2
    Little Spike Dudley: 5-1
    The Sandman: 10-1
    Tommy Dreamer: 75-1
    Iron Wrestler Smokey: 1000-1
What Should Happen: Ladies and gentlemen, your garbage spotfest for the evening. Rhino may have the power no-selling game, but New Jack'll get the gold. Considering what he went through coming back to the ring from the fall at Living Dangerously, the man deserves it.

What Will Happen: Just-an Asshole makes with the cane swinging, interrupting a 187 Chairshot and helping Rhino retain. And if you don't get these Iron Wrestler bits, read Butch Rosser's Iron ECW piece on It's f'n hilarious.

Jerry Lynn (by his damn self) vs. Old School Bleeder (with Jack Victory & Dawn Marie) vs. Alpo Montoya (with Christmas Candy Francine) vs. The Sandman (with a six-pack of Bud, a pack of cigs, and a kendo stick) in a Four Way Dance That Thinks It's A Mini-Tourney for the ECW World Championship

Backstory: Jerry Lynn got the gold off Credible at AR. Lynn and Corino have history from Heatwave 2K. Sandman and Alpo go waaay back over who deserves the title of Hardcore Icon. Corino, Lynn, and Credible had themselves an entertaining little Three Way Dance from the last broadcast of ECW on TNN.

What Should Happen: Jerry takes Alpo to school in the finals with the crowd sounding like a Springer studio audience.

What Will Happen: Lynn retains the title amidst the ultimate clusterfuck and plenty of fifth parties interjecting themselves.

That's my predictions for November to Remember. Tune in late Sunday night (or whenever CRZ can get the update posted) to find out how it went!

By all means send me your comments. All playa haters will referred to WCW's New Talent Division or /dev/null.

Jay Ramsperger
[slash] wrestling

Mail the Author



Design copyright (C) 1999, 2000 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission