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Tanvir Raquib




Hey, folks. It is I, Tanvir Raquib - the Firestarter, as deemed by my fellow compatriot and comrade, the highly esteemed Mister Shawn Colton.

Anyhow, I'm absolutely loving [slash] right now. It's just perfect for me to get my fave recaps and opinion essays - oh yeah, don't forget wrestling information. I dig the site and hopefully, you do too! CRZ looks awfully scary in that pic where he's wearing THE 7UP SHIRT OF DEATH. Maybe chicks think he's mysterious or something. I think he better watch himself - chicks on the Internet look for guys from Silicon Valley. They're gravediggers, I hear.

These are predictions of mine that I made up on the spot. This is not meant to step on anyone's toes, just poking some humor.

I PREDICT Vince Russo standing still for once when he does a promo. He walks around too much. Can't he stay still for more than a second??? Maybe he's got Tourette's.

I PREDICT Diamond Dallas Page going back on Craig Kilborn's show in a couple of months. Okay, that's a given. Remember, he's a star. Too bad nobody knows who the hell he is. Maybe he can ask good ole Craig why the fuck he ripped on Owen Hart after he died. Course that'll never happen - Page needs to keep his name in LIGHTS!

I PREDICT Mideon taking over Tony Garea's spot on the WWF roster. He might do double duty with Steve Lombardi in the WWF offices, I imagine. They could trade really neat stories. "Ya know, I ALMOST beat HBK at MSG! It was front page of PWI, I swear!" "Well, I got to carry an eye in a jar for a coupla months! I also got beat up by Vince on TV!"

I PREDICT Tiger Ali Singh coming back to the WWF in about a year. I can imagine the Indian stereotype being played OVER AND OVER AGAIN. He'll bring a portable newspaper stand to the ringside area and sell HUSTLER to wrestlers once they walk down for their matches! Hmm......

Viscera walks down to the ring for his match with Julio Fantastico on Jakked. He notices a newspaper stand setup on top of the ramp.

Viscera: Whatchu sellin' there?

Singh: We've got Sneekers, EmEnEms, and some fine magazeens in our establishmen, my friend!

Viscera: Got any porno?

Singh: Yessir, we have these kinds of things heeyaar. <Singh plants a select batch of magazines and assorted 'adult' videotapes.

Viscera: <grunts> I think I'll take a Hustler and a Penthouse! How much, fool?!

Singh: That will be 10 dollahz, fine sir!

And so on. Wouldn't that suck? I'd hate it. I'd probably cover my head in shame because this directly affects my South Asian self. Course, the WWF loves exploiting racial stereotypes on their television shows. This wouldn't be TOO MUCH of a reach, would it?

I PREDICT Kid Rock coming down with the Godfather and his hoes. I think that's suitable. He might even be Hardcore Champion for about a minute if he plays his cards right.

I PREDICT that WCW will hire Sean Shannon and Scott Keith to run their operation in a desperate attempt to get over with the Internet fans.

I ALSO PREDICT that half the WCW roster will end up kicking their ass on the first day. That's what happens when you act tough in front of a computer I guess...

I PREDICT Kidman will be as bitter as Shane Douglas in a coupla years. "FUCK YOU, HOGAN! YOU DIDN'T SELL FOR ME, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! JUST ONE MORE MATCH, HOGAN: I'M CHALLENGING YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL, BITCH!" Let's hope Kidman shoots on Hogan once he realizes that he'll never get over being Hogan's bitch.

I PREDICT that as sports entertainment loses popularity - ratings and such, we'll finally get 20 minute wrestling matches and all will be good. Nobody will give a damn about the Rock and nobody will be wearing Austin shirts every other block you walk on, but Internet smarks will be granted the spoils.

I PREDICT that a minority guy will appear on 'Friends' in a coupla years. On that show, the closest thing to a minority is an Italian. I never knew New York was so...WHITE! Hey, wait a sec, I live in New York - where ARE the white people???

I PREDICT Internet stardom for Patrick Barker and Butch Rosser. Sure thing, baby!

I PREDICT that a professional wrestler will come out of the closet 10 years from now. My brother suspects Jeff Hardy. I suspect Norman Smiley.

I PREDICT that in a disgusting Satanic angle, Vince Russo will summon the 'spirit' of Owen Hart as played by Ed Ferrara. 'Owen's' voice will be heard from the speakers. Bret Hart realizes that RUSSO is SATAN and knocks his ass out as well. BTW, Tuesday is Owen Hart Day on [slash].

I PREDICT that fat chicks will still be unattractive 20 years from now. Can you believe fat chicks were considered attractive back in the 1700s?

FINALLY, I PREDICT that Sonny Ono will not win his lawsuit. Kaz Hayashi will weep for him.

Tanvir Raquib
Worldwide Recapper
[slash] wrestling

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