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WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK? I was away in Canada for much of the week for a course, and naturally I didn't have any access to a computer. This column'll be a weekly thing (and I say this with fingers crossed.) So no fears, I'm back and will be pestering you Slash devotees with my interesting meanderings.

WHY THA FUNKY NEW SPELLIN'? It invokes the spirit of its source much better... and besides, I like it. So deal with it.

WAIT TILL NEXT TIME: With No Mercy coming up and with the way the Stone Cold assailant angle has worked out, I've decided to dedicate this week's column to my take on where the Stone Cold angle should go from here, and (very briefly) my No Mercy predictions. So if everyone's wondering just how I plan to restock D-Generation X, wait 'till next week. (Besides, I was going to be doing from the perspective of one month from now at Survivor Series.)

So Rikishi's the driver. I don't mind the choice for the short-term. The WWF wanted to do two things with the resolution of this angle: give one of its mid-card babyfaces a shot at the big time as a heel, and allow Stone Cold Steve Austin to work a feud with a brawler type; Rikishi fits both of these perfectly. Sticking Austin in with a brawler for now is an excellent idea, because it'll limit the strain he puts on his recovered neck. If you read my first column, I initially pegged Kane as the driver because he's a brawler type, and I was getting some weird vibes from that "monster" pitch he was throwing to the fans; however, when Billy Gunn revealed that the driver was blond, I immediately turned my focus on Rikishi. The only other possibility was Chris Jericho, and I discounted him because of his current feud with X-Pac and his high-flyin' style.

There's just one problem: Rikishi, like The Rock, is too over as a babyface, so turning him heel isn't really a smart move right now. I'd book this situation so that both Rikishi and Stone Cold come out as faces... and it doesn't involve The Rock turning heel. It does, however, resurrect an old Austin feud that's been dormant for a long time, and validates a lot of rumors we've been hearing. Off to the adventure:

1. At No Mercy, Rikishi will come out first to a mixed reaction, and plead with Stone Cold to forgive him. The crowd eventually turns pro-Austin and urges Austin to come out and kick some ass. However, the glass breaks; Stone Cold obliges, and the war is on. Austin dominates the match and actually ends up in a few situations where he could get the pin, but much like in his cage match with Vince McMahon at St. Valentine Day's Massacre in 1999, Stone Cold will pass up the opportunities to kick Rikishi's ass even more. During the match, Commissioner Mick Foley comes down to ringside and takes a seat at the commentators' table. Rikishi gets control after a long brawl, and is looking to apply the Stinkface when Foley comes into the ring and stops him. Then Foley, to the shock of the crowd, delivers the Mandible Claw to Stone Cold! After about a minute, Foley tosses Stone Cold onto the Spanish table outside the ring, and Rikishi hits the fatass splash on Stone Cold through the table for the pin. Foley and Rikishi then leave to a chorus of heel heat while EMT's attend to SCSA.

Why'd I turn Mick heel? There's got to be some sort of explanation for why Mick knew so much about the condition of the car in his little investigation, and the only one I can think of is that Mick and Rikishi were in cahoots in some way. A heel commissioner is also necessary for Stone Cold's gimmick, as there right now is no evil authority figure standing over him, and a Mick-Stone Cold war is an excellent idea and would add a new dimension to the Rikishi situation. But remember that I said that the ultimate end would involve a long-dormant feud and Rikishi eventually staying a face - that goes for Mick too.

2. Over the course of the next two Pay-Per-Views (Survivor Series & Armageddon), the dominating feud will be Stone Cold & The Rock (who will drop the title at Survivor Series to Kurt Angle) against Rikishi, Mick, and perhaps Too Cool (but I highly doubt that the WWF would have the guts to turn them heel. I wouldn't.) The feud keeps going back and forth, eventually necessitating the return of Vince McMahon, who would surprisingly back Stone Cold & The Rock. (Remember, at the time of Austin's accident, Vince was a face supporting Austin against Triple H, so this would be necessary.) But it all boils down to...

3. The Royal Rumble. The last four survivors would be Stone Cold, Rikishi, The Rock, & Chris Benoit. Various unseen interferences result in the elimination of The Rock & Benoit (by Kurt and either Triple H or Chris Jericho, respectively), leaving us with Austin & Rikishi. Once again, Austin subdues Rikishi and is in a position to win, but all of a sudden the lights go dark, "Sexy Boy" plays on the TitanTron, and Shawn Michaels returns. He's still in his Commissioner-like garb, but he's not just going to stick around. He enters the ring and hits Sweet Chin Music on Stone Cold, sending him over the top and giving Rikishi the win, drawing boos from the crowd. But then Shawn superkicks Rikishi over the ropes and through a table previously set up at ringside by the Dudley Boyz! Mick enters the ring to try and reason with Shawn, and HE gets Sweet Chin Music for his troubles. Shawn stands in the ring briefly towering over everybody, but then "Theme from D-X" (the original mix) plays on the TitanTron and D-Generation X comes out to take care of Shawn. (I'll explain this in next week's column.)

4. The next night on RAW, Shawn Michaels will reveal the truth - that he was the mastermind behind Stone Cold's assault. He'll tell the audience that he's held a grudge against Stone Cold ever since Austin defeated him for the World Wrestling Federation Championship at Wrestlemania XIV - and forced him into retirement. At the time of the assault, Shawn Michaels was still commissioner, and he used that authority to set the wheels in motion. He cornered Rikishi and told him that he would never get a shot in the WWF unless he took out Stone Cold with the car. MICHAELS will be the one responsible for stealing The Rock's car (as it's more likely he, as a WWF authority figure at the time, would have more access to The Rock's dressing room.) And to explain Mick Foley's part, Michaels will say that the only way he would agree to resign the commissionership (so Linda McMahon could give it to Mick) would be if Mick were to help him in his plans, and Mick, desperate to get back into the WWF in some respect after Triple H forced him into retirement, accepted. But Michaels says the whole plot was foiled by Stone Cold making a successful return, and he wants to finish the job. He wants Austin, one-on-one, no-holds-barred, at Wrestlemania. Stone Cold, Rikishi, The Rock, and Mick all come out at once, Stone Cold accepts Michaels' challenge, and then the four beat him to end the show and leave to a chorus of face heat.

5. The outcome of the resulting Michaels-Austin match really isn't important to the storyline... but the only way to not have the storyline drag on is for the match to last a good 45 minutes or so with plenty of interference on both sides before Stone Cold hits a final Stunner for the win. And Rikishi gets another shot in on Michaels when he manages to defeat Kurt Angle for the WWF Championship in the preceding match.

WHY DO IT THIS WAY? It makes no sense that Michaels never went after revenge after initially becoming Commissioner in 1998. The fans obviously want Stone Cold, Mick, Rikishi, and The Rock to all be faces, and this setup makes it work. And because I'm sick and tired of seeing Austin-Rock, and Austin-Rikishi won't work over the long term.

Austin/Rikishi: Rikishi via pinfall after Foley interference.
Rock/Angle for WWF Championship: Rock retains via pinfall after HHH interference.
HHH/Benoit: HHH via DQ due to Kurt Angle/Stephanie interference.
Guerrero/Gunn for WWF Intercontinental title: Guerrero retains via pinfall (but gets dumped.)
Snow/Regal for WWF European title: Snow retains via pinfall (and represents England that night.)
No predictions on the tag team side of things as I can't figure out what the hell is going on with that Los Conquistadores thing. I can't decide whether they're pulling another Owen Hart/Blue Blazer mystery with Edge and Christian or that Los Conquistadores actually are NOT Edge & Christian.

SHAMELESS PROMO: The Civilization Gaming Network has now officially opened. Check it out at

NEXT TIME, SAME CHANNEL: Why D-Generation X should be brought back one more time, and how to bring it back the right way. Can anybody say... the Dudley Boyz? Huh? Until then, I'll leave you with...

THIS WEEK'S UNBELIEVEABLE MOMENT IN HISTORY: The Rock delivers a Rock Bottom to the British Bulldog - on top of a tray of steaming dog poop.


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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission