BOW 2 THA MASTERZ
This Column May Cause Shock When Placed In Water
GANG GREEN UPDATE: 6-4 after torturous last-minute losses in Buffalo & Indianapolis and to Denver; tied for third place with Buffalo, one game behind Indy and two games behind Miami. Not only does it suck to get beat; it sucks even more to get beat at your own game. Oh well. We head to Miami this Sunday for an afternoon affair, and you've got to be worried considering the Fish are gonna want revenge for the Midnight Miracle. It's not time to panic just yet, but we better figure out how to score early and not turn the ball over early NOW, or else it will be.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT... I like the new rapping gimmick that Road Dogg and K-Kwik are bringing us. The major downside to the rapping is that while K-Kwik seems to have a natural flair for it, Road Dogg's lines seem more hoarse & forced than ever. It would work better if they used a prerecorded, mastered version of it instead. But I can't wait to see K-Kwik in the ring even more. While he spent most of his camera time last night on Smackdown! getting beat up by Malenko and Saturn, he showed flashes of brillance, and a markout moment (well, for me anyway) was watching Road Dogg literally LAUNCH K-Kwik over the top rope. One thing though, Kwik: the dreadlocks have GOT to go.
AGAIN, WAIT 'TILL NEXT TIME: I had the LH Title/Edge & Christian column all ready to go... when the Triple H heel turn came and literally fucked the whole thing up. It stands now at about 75% re-done, because I had three tests to deal with this week (which is why this column is so short) and we're heading into the second-biggest PPV of the year. So I gotta take this week off from fantasy booking to offer my take on Survivor Series.
We got lots of grudges to settle this Sunday, as you can see. I'm sure you'll be able to get my names. (If not, e-mail me and I'll laugh at you for ten minutes and then explain myself.) On with the fun... and sorry if I "borrowed" a few names.
I now present my best Matt Spaulding imitation...
Grudge #1: THE MAN v. THAT SON OF A BITCH. Everything that's been said about the background to this match has been said, so I'll just mention a few things. Everybody knows that Triple H is very injured and ain't gonna be 100% for this one. That being said, one of two things must happen: Triple H will win, or something will happen to screw up the match completely (like the police-fest at No Mercy.) Considering Triple H's amazing PPV record and the fact the WWF just did the latter at their last PPV, I go with the former.
I SAY: Turn Foley heel and have him screw Austin out of a victory. Foley assumes top heel duties while Triple H rests his back, and the whole thing leads to the Heartbreak Kid ending the confusion at the Rumble.
THE BOOKER SAYS: Triple H wins, but I doubt they'll turn Foley heel.
WWF Championship: OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, CELEBRATED "REAL" ATHLETE, SPREE'S KICK IN THE MOUTH, THE CALORIE IN A CAN OF PEPSI ONE & AMERICAN HERO KURT ANGLE v. THE CROW. I just have one thing to say about this: GET THE BELT OFF ANGLE NOW. It is WAY too soon for him to be the standardbearer. Sure, I will admit that he's had the greatest rookie year just about any wrestler can have, but he shouldn't be holding the Championship just yet. Get it off him now, so that he can go face, finish the Triple H/Stephanie program, and build himself up even more. And as for the Taker, while I'd rather see Y2J in his spot, I'd rather have him as WWF champ than Angle, so Angle can clear up the mess the Triple H heel turn made, and so the Taker can "put over" someone else for a chance.
I SAY: Undertaker, in a glorified squash.
THE BOOKER SAYS: I have a nasty feeling he won't listen.
Grudge #2: LIKE CHEVROLET v. THAT BIG SON OF A BITCH. I was gonna pick Rikishi over the Rock to keep the feud going, but after the Smackdown Incident, I go with the Brahma Bull to end the feud. And as the Open Book suggests, this should be a Brahma Bullrope match or something of that sort. But again, I have a nasty feeling we'll be seeing "deja vu" all over again.
I SAY: Rocky wins clean after attempted Triple H interference backfires (ghosting the No Mercy main event.)
THE BOOKER SAYS: The shocking Internet rumors come true as a no contest ends in Rocky getting run over. (Rikishi gets his rest by being thrown in jail for the attack, and the WWF comprises a new "Fugitive"-style gimmick for him in return.)
Grudge #3: YOUR NEW PARTY HOST v. THAT RED SON OF A BITCH. (Okay, sorry, so I was running out of ideas.) Anyways, I shouldn't have to say a word about this one. You and I both know what should happen.
I SAY: Y2J clean, and after three years, the world finally sees Kane's "disfigured" face.
THE BOOKER SAYS: Ditto.
Women's Championship: MRS. KRABAPPEL (with IT'S FOR OUR OWN GOOD) v. JUST BRING IT (with TEAM EXTREME). And if you don't get the first reference, then you either live under a rock or have never seen the Simpsons. (And if you haven't seen the Simpsons, then you do live under a rock.) Ivory's been a total disappointment in the ring (well to me, anyway) since Lita outclasses her there so much. However, on the stick, there's no better girl. It's not your mouth that keeps you titles though.
I SAY: The great purge begins. Lita trounces Ivory when in-fighting occurs among themselves. This eventually leads to the Goodfather going back to pimping.
THE BOOKER SAYS: The RTC hasn't jobbed at a PPV yet. Don't expect them to start here. The usual Richards interference secures the retention for the schoolteacher.
MR. PARTY TIME, THE MIDGET DOCTOR & HIS PERSONAL TRAINER v. T&APA. Hooo boy, don't get me started on this one. Only reason to watch it is for the sexy chicks (and in that department, Molly blows Trish away... in my book anyway.)
I SAY: Although Bradshaw won't be back for a while, he'll interfere in this one to make the difference for the Hollys & Blackman.
THE BOOKER SAYS: I can't remember the last time T&A jobbed at a PPV either. That being said, they lose.
Survivor Rules Match #1: TEAM EXTREME & THE THIRD COMMANDMENT v. THE EDGE & CHRISTIAN SHOW & THE "REFORMED" SINNERS. I sincerely hope that on Heat, Commissioner Foley throws the Tag Team belts into the mix, because the best thing to do was to pull the Hardys and the RTC people out of this one to have a tag title match and throw Too Cool and Lo Down into the fire. But life goes on. This is likely to be an absolutely insane matchup, but I doubt we'll see tables unless Goodfather & Buchanan are sent packing early. But the fans will not be denied.
I SAY: Push both face tag teams by having Jeff & D-Von be the survivors. Chuck the RTC early so we can see Edge and his horrifying yellow shirt (and this is from a guy whose favorite color is yellow) get put through a table.
THE BOOKER SAYS: If we include the Conquistadores matchup, Unforgiven was the only time the Edgester & Christian jobbed this year. One of them comes out as sole survivor (probably Edge.)
Survivor Rules Match #2: NOT A BACKSTREET BOY, G.I. JOANIE & D-2 v. WHAT ARE THEY CALLED AGAIN? THE REVOLUTION? The one reason to watch this match: K-Kwik v. Chris Benoit. I doubt we'll ever see it again.
I SAY: The New D-Generation X goes over clean before making it official.
THE BOOKER SAYS: C'mon, you think they've got the balls to job the Radicals as a TEAM? I don't think so.
SHAMELESS PROMO: Go visit the Civilization Gaming Network, damn it! http://www.civgaming.net
NEXT TIME, SAME CHANNEL: I'm sure you're just as bored with the Light Heavyweight stuff as much as I am. Your "Edge & Christian are #1" speal, and if the WWF does the stupid thing and keeps the belt on Angle, how to properly round out the Triple H feud. Until then, here's...
THIS WEEK'S UNBELIEVEABLE MOMENT IN WWF HISTORY: The fed has the balls to take a hardcore triple threat match for the Women's title... into the men's restroom.
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